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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

625 replies

Downnotout · 18/11/2011 13:57

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downnotout · 01/12/2011 17:15

I love that you're all imagining a proper wedding. Sadly it's a crummy registry office ( not all registry offices are crummy but this particular one is!) and she's inviting people back to a bar in town, where I presume they will pay for their own drinks.

Considering she is entitled to marry in a rather beautiful private chapel and had virtually planned her wedding years ago, with candlelight and choristers and a honeymoon in the Maldives, this event is going to be quite a come down.

I got a rather odd letter from a removal company near to where she is saying they understood we were selling our house and did we need any storage in the meantime. Well I rang and gave them a mouthful. DD1 and I have the same initial so I often get stuff that's meant for her.

OP posts:
madwomanintheattic · 01/12/2011 18:52

ah, but it's her comedown. well, if she goes through with it, it will be. i think the further away you are, the better... but i might be tempted to use a housesitting service in your absence.

if she's talking to a removal company, she must have some idea of where she's planning on living? any idea what her plans are on that front yet? after the 'wedding'?

thelittlestkiwi · 01/12/2011 19:05

She hasn't sold your house has she? ;-)

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 01/12/2011 19:12

Dear

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 01/12/2011 19:15

Sorry, cat on lap. What I meant to say was:

Dear God, how much stuff does an 18 yo have that she requires a removl company? At that age, most of my worldly goods fitted into two black bin bags.

thelittlestkiwi · 02/12/2011 05:43

The removal company is odd. Presumably married quarters are unfurnished. Is it possible that she might be planning to come and take her bedroom furniture from your house?

Hang in there Downnotout. You are being very dignified.

fastweb · 02/12/2011 06:54

I got a rather odd letter from a removal company

Hmmmm.

Does you daughter still have a key to your home ?

Memories of a friend who shot off the rails with erratic behavoir in a manner not totally unlike your DD. Which involved furnishing her new flat by taking from the family home items on the basis that she considered her need to be greater than theirs, and her family could just replace anything they missed.

You may want to consider changing the locks on your house as a precautionary measure.

Probably the above would not occur, but securing your home would give peace of mind and aviod a rash, off the cuff, poorly thought out or provocative act from her compounding or deepening the current rift.

It is a way of protecting her from herself in some ways. It can be hard to come back from some acts. Making sure she can't up the ante to breaking point protects the opportunity in the future to get past what has been said and done by ensuring she can't go over a line which cements her behavoir into something more unforgivable.

Thumbwitch · 02/12/2011 06:58

Here's an idea - although it's rather underhanded - tell her you're going to Tenerife but don't go. And then when she turns up to clear out "her" furniture, she's going to get one hell of a shock!

Downnotout - I know you're very angry and disappointed about the whole thing but I reckon inside a part of you is just as upset as you could be as well - I was reading a Maeve Binchy novel recently and she used the phrase "he has my heart scalded" (or similar, anyway) - and I think perhaps yours is being scalded steadily as well. :( (It's an Irish saying, in case you didn't know).

I hope she wakes up soon and sorts herself out - this is just so sad. But if not - just be there in the background for when she does wake up - but not until.

droves · 02/12/2011 10:06

Shock removal company ??? They understand your selling your house ???

WTactualF .

Am intrested to hear what the removal company said when you phoned .

Was your dd behind that ?

Original poster
Downnotout · 02/12/2011 11:17

The removal company didn't know who I was but when I mentioned DDs name and town they said she had rung them about moving some boxes.

But she had obviously given our address for some reason, otherwise why would we get the letter here? I'm on my guard.

Confirmation from college that they expect us to stump up with the fees in January, whether she's there or not. I can't blame them, they've got a business to run after all. But I do feel really sick about it.

OP posts:
Bloodymary · 02/12/2011 11:50

Another vote for Tenerife from me.
OP you have my deepest sympathy, I did not think they came much worse than my DD (except I fled to Turkey)!

droves · 02/12/2011 13:09

Downnotout , thats awful.

Id be tempted too give your dd the bill for the college fees and tell her you were paying it on condition she finished the course ....as she has no intention of doing so , you will accept montly payments of x amount until its paid for .
I wouldnt pay for wedding either .

Shes not got a job , or money , but can afford a removal firm for shifting a few boxes ?

madwomanintheattic · 02/12/2011 15:29

presumably her fiance is paying...

you can get mq's fully furnished btw, so she doesn't need to nick furniture if that was her intention.

the mod won't pay for the first move either, so they are definitely paying for it themselves. hereonin the mod will cough up and move them.

have you told college that she is leaving now, down? so that it is formally recognised before the end of the autumn term so that they don't charge you afor after easter as well?

EightiesChick · 02/12/2011 16:39

The problem is they may not accept a withdrawal from anyone else but her. If she is over 18 parents would not necessarily have a right to do this on her behalf, even if they are paying the fees. You do need to check with the college quickly exactly what needs to be done, and who by, to formally withdraw her. It may be a case of getting her to sign a letter Sad so do just be prepared for this - I can see problems with that in that she seem to dig her heels in when asked to do anything. Think about what leverage you might have. I take it you (not your daughter) signed up to the agreement to pay the course fees?

BoffinMum · 02/12/2011 17:57
  1. Anyone can give a term's notice that fees won't be paid. This happens at independent schools all the time, pupils of all ages being pulled out because funds are exhausted, and this occasionally happens to over-18s as well. Just tell them you will pay for Easter 2012 but you won't be supporting her after that. You might want to explain informally exactly why. I think I know where you are talking about and they can be very sympathetic (although you are right, they do have to run a business). Do the same for the shared student house.
  1. I would consider making a quasi-formal arrangement to get together for a family summit, and suggest to your daughter than she is really missing out by not having a summer wedding. Then I would consider encouraging her to slow time down and spend longer preparing. She may well go off this guy before then (don't shell out too much in deposits in the meantime!)
  1. I would also suggest to her that it would be in everyone's interests if she found her own place until any wedding, giving her a month's rent and deposit if necessary. But make it clear this is the last handout, and stick to it. Move her out and then change the locks. In future she will have to make proper arrangements to see you on an adult to adult basis.
  1. She also needs a job to pay the rent, so it would be appropriate to help her with her CV, an interview outfit, and maybe drive her to an agency for temps or whatever, on one single occasion.

Once all this is done, go on holiday and/or make yourself generally unavailable. A more extreme tactic would be to move to a house that does not have a room for her. She needs to move on now and grow up.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2011 20:52

You should see what a solicitor says about the fees and perhaps about getting an injunction to force your DD to formally withdraw from the college. Is there any way you could plead estrangement as a way to get out from under the fees?

Original poster
Downnotout · 02/12/2011 21:19

Boffinmum, she is in a student house 200miles away.( that we are tied into a tenancy agreement with til sept 2012.)

She will not answer her phone. I doubt she is looking for work down there as the wedding is 2 weeks away and presuming they are trying to get MQ either in Kent or up north, it is still nowhere near where we are for us to be taking her to interviews, or near to where she is at present.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 02/12/2011 21:43

Sorry, I had read the thread but I think I hadn't fully appreciated all that. I am trying to think what the best thing to do would be, and I suppose the only thing open is to get out of any financial liabilities that you can, and write to her advising her to have a summer wedding, to buy some more time. But it is a very difficult situation and she is being utterly pigheaded and wrapped up in herself. If it's any comfort, my DD had moments like this, albeit not so extreme, but it was very worrying and stressful at the time. Eventually she grew up and smelled the roses, however, and now is a fully functional adult. We never thought it would happen. I hope your daughter sorts herself out too, and wish you well. For now I think you are being incredibly patient and doing all the right things.

Original poster
Downnotout · 03/12/2011 20:40

We had to tel DD2 today.

She was asking some strange questions yesterday about weddings and it turned out someone at dance had seen something on FB and said something to her.

So we explained everything, not about the fake pregnancy, but all the rest.
She was a bit upset, but not overly so.

She doesn't want to go to the wedding though. I told her it was her decision but she seemed adamant.

I suppose she knows all about what happened earlier in the year and takes this as another of her sisters' "mad moments."

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/12/2011 20:44

just Sad for all of you, what a nightmarish mess.

ToothbrushThief · 03/12/2011 22:10

I don't know what to say tbh but just feel for you.

It won't last. It will feel like forever however

mathanxiety · 04/12/2011 03:34

Glad DD2 is thinking she won't go. I think she has been put in a horrible position by her older sister here, and is being used. Well done to her for wanting nothing to do with it.

Thumbwitch · 04/12/2011 10:23

Well that makes your life a little easier at least, if DD2 doesn't want to go. I hope DD1 doesn't try and browbeat her into it, or guilt her about it, or in fact have any negative reaction except sadness about it. Shouldn't hold your breath on that though :(

TheLastNameLeft · 07/12/2011 18:21

What thumbwitch said up there^^

Sounds like little sis has had a gutful of it too, hope you are ok Downnotout

welliesundermeballgoon · 07/12/2011 22:22

Well done to DD2, a very mature decision for her age. Thinking of you Downnotout