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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

625 replies

Downnotout · 18/11/2011 13:57

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

OP posts:
randommoment · 07/12/2011 22:53

Nothing helpful to add down, I've just caught up, having been offline since page 10, phew what a rollercoaster she's giving you! The more I read, the more you are reminding me of some people I know in RL, only there it's the father who is rational and and decent and bewildered by his mother's and his daughter's incredible selfish behaviour. Complete little baggage is the only polite words I can come up with for your DD1.
TBH the only way I can think of to predict what plan she might come up with next is to read a Jilly Cooper novel and double it.
I do hope you eventually end up with a daughter you like, but it may take a few years yet. My mum says we were all vile from approx 15 through to 25, she always loved us but got so fed up with us, and it's great now the youngest of us is 34. OTH my eldest will be 13 in January, uh-oh here we go...

Original poster
Downnotout · 07/12/2011 23:24

And you thought it couldn't get any worse

DD1 has had a major strop because DD2 won't speak to her. She thinks I've said something really bad to her, but I haven't. I've only said she's left college and is getting married and we don't agree with it. So DD1 has resorted to posting horrible stuff on FB- not that I can read it as she's blocked me and DS, it's just what friends have shown me.

Today I got a call to say she had been taken to hospital. Her housemates came home and were worried she'd taken something. It turns out she hasn't, but I'm afraid I think this is just another example of attention seeking.

Then tonight, DD2 had a sudden allergic reaction to something and started struggling to breathe. We had to rush her up to A&E. It was very scary. Thankfully they were brilliant and managed to get it under control in minutes. We're back home now. I'm just so angry though. All through it my phone was ringing with people from college, DD1s friends, and then when DD1 heard what was happening she text me to say "don't worry about me, I'm fine". Well I'm not fine, I'm fed up with the manipulation and I'm not going to get dragged into any more of her games. Whoever said "my heart has been scalded" was spot on.

OP posts:
randommoment · 08/12/2011 00:09

Bloody hellfire down! How dare her little sister have a genuine medical emergency and upstage her!

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 08/12/2011 00:15

"Taken something" as in recreational drugs, or a suicide "attempt"? Yes, it's absolutely attention seeking.

Glad your younger girl is OK.

Jacksmania · 08/12/2011 01:53

Good grief!!! :(
I'd fallen off the thread for a bit and have found you again...

I'm gobsmacked at everything and very :( for you.
Yes, I think Tenerife and changing the locks would be good...

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 08/12/2011 02:27

Oh God, Downnotout - she's desperate isn't she! :( Angry I'd be tempted to suggest to her that she needs professional help if she carries on with that level of attention-seeking - it's not normal! That might slow her down a bit.

Hope DD2 is ok now though - does she need an epipen? does she have a follow-up appointment?

Argh! And you still have the "wedding" to come...

mathanxiety · 08/12/2011 02:41

I would be very tempted to text her back to say, 'Worry about you? Why, what's up DD1?'

Try not to let he FB aspect of all of this get you down. She is only showing herself up, not you.

scaryteacher · 08/12/2011 07:44

I bet you are living on edge waiting for the other boot to fall the whole time.

I really think you have to call her bluff and completely disengage for the moment; ignore her and her shenanigans, and just serenely carry on with your own life. If challenged just say that you feel dd1 is confused and has lost her way; she doesn't want family help, so you are respecting her wishes, but the door is open when this is out of her system.

We are doing this with mil at the moment; it helps that we live in a different country!

ToothbrushThief · 08/12/2011 08:23

Down - it doesn't have to be all or nothing with your contact with D1

If you decide on a reasonable behaviour level and when (if) d1 crosses it I'd interact with her. When she doesn't...don't.

I remember thinking dealing teens is not much different to dealing with tantruming toddlers in terms of their manipulation/tantrum and how best to deal with it. She's too old to shut in her room but mentally you can. You wouldn't leave a toddler there for ages but you would poke your head around the door and say when you can be nice please come out.

Meanwhile what you are going through sounds terribly upsetting. I hope you find a way through

pretendhousewife · 08/12/2011 09:29

You are taking care of DD2 very well, but I am concerned that DD1 was taken to hospital - something must have been fairly seriously wrong with her if not physically, then psychologically. It sounds as though she's having a breakdown to me.

I know her behaviour can be seen as manipulative and attention-seeking, and I know that she has done some terrible things, but you do need to consider WHY she is doing it. The reasons for this behaviour may not be anything to do with you or her. They may be beyond her control and this level of conflict will make it worse. Can you encourage her to get MH support?

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 08/12/2011 09:33

I completely understand op I would be devastated if it was my daughter and would hope she would terminate the pregnancy. Tbh I would insist that she could do this alone or not at all. You've done your bit and this is her mess. And although I probably would completely support my dd I would want her to take full responsibility as a parent .

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 08/12/2011 09:48

Sorry, just caught up. Is your dd bi polar?

RandomMess · 08/12/2011 19:57

Thinking of you. It just sounds awful the whole thing and I'm really sorry but I think it may get worse before it gets better - but I can't see how tbh.

ednurse · 08/12/2011 20:37

Thinking of you, what a mess Sad

WhatsWrongWithYou · 09/12/2011 09:59

This all does sound awful and again you have my sympathies - but it does seem as if the shenanhigans are so relentless and coming so quickly on top of each other that there must be some sort of MH issue going on.

As someone said, that doesn't have to apportion blame to either of you, but is there any way of having her assessed with a view to some kind of treatment/support?

I'm no expert, but it is sounding like some sort of self-destructive spiral she may not have a great deal of control over.

Of course, the possibility remains that she's merely a high-maintenance handful but, going by experience in my own family, I wouldn't be happy to make that assumption and leave it there.

Not saying this to make you feel worse - just a suggestion.

Original poster
Downnotout · 09/12/2011 13:07

I agree that there may be more to this than deliberate manipulation. We too, think that she seems to have some MH issues.

Over the years there has been a pattern of attention seeking but for the last couple of years it has escalated to much more serious incidents and I can't help feeling that by me going running in every time I have reinforced her assumption that the way to get attention is to have something bad happen to her.

The truth is I don't know how to help her anymore, except to say that the way we have reacted in the past seems only to have served to allow her to believe that, whatever she does, we will always be there to pick up the pieces and make everything alright for her again. I feel she is holding us to ransom with all this, and I can't help but think that, this time, I have to withdraw the safety net and let her fall.

We have booked the flights by the way. We just need to get away from everything for our own sanity.

OP posts:
Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 09/12/2011 13:15

Downnotout - Still thinking of you and hope that you manage to get away from it all with no extra dramas beforehand.

I think your DD may well need some form of assessment but I don't quite see how you can make that happen unless she goes completely off the rails (which in one way I hope she doesn't). Perhaps you could have a chat with your own GP about the situation - see if he/she has any ideas?

howmanydaysleftuntil · 09/12/2011 13:35

Downnotout - have spent most of the morning reading the whole thread. What a worry for you all. I think you have probably summed up the situation in your last post. If there are real MH issues, I too don't see what you can practically do. She is 18 - legally an adult. She has to seek help herself.

Look after yourself and the others being affected here.

randommoment · 09/12/2011 17:05

Delighted to hear you've booked the flights. I'm wondering about bi-polar disorder too. But as thumb and howmany say, unless she does something so bonkers that it would justify a Section Order, she would have to approach MH services herself. And getting a Section Order proved to be very difficult when we had a MH case in the family.

mathanxiety · 09/12/2011 17:39

Well done. Your assessment sounds exactly right.

Change your locks before you leave.

mistlethrush · 09/12/2011 17:51

Didn't post earlier - but booking flights sounds a very good idea.

I hope that you've also changed the locks?

RandomMess · 09/12/2011 19:29

I just hope that you can at least keep the doors to the fiance's family open. All you can do is itterate to them that you have no issues with their son and you welcome contact with your dd, son-in-law to be and his family.

Hopefully that way is any MH issues rear their head at that point you will be told and you can help support him getting her the help she really needs.

Enjoy your holiday!

Jacksmania · 10/12/2011 05:12

Yy to flights booked, that's great!
Also think you should change the locks before you go. Sorry, but I wouldn't take the chance of coming back to finding your house picked over.

Have a really lovely time. Thinking of you.

haddock1976 · 10/12/2011 08:39

Why is it any behaviour like this result in cries of "mental health issues"? I didn't and don't have any mental health issues, I was a self entitled bitch with a distorted view of how I thought the world should be and sod anyone or anything that got in my way. I grew up, got over myself and if you met me today you'd never know how badly I behaved in my late teens/early twenties.

Holiday is good idea but as I said before, get the locks changed. She won't view taking anything from your home as stealing, as far as she's concerned you owe her. In her own mind she has justified everything she has said and done (that's all that matters to her) and twisted the truth to represent herself in a sympathetic light to others.

Not much to be done now, hang on in there.

fannybaws · 10/12/2011 09:47

I think this is the most amazing thread ever.
Op it sounds like your daughter is playing at being a grown up without wanting to be one iyswim.
Work, babies marraige, or not as you wait to find out.
Does she have any good girlfriends and what do they think of all this drama?