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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD swore at me.

57 replies

funnyperson · 24/01/2011 19:13

What would others do?

DD (age 17) got a B in one of her mock exams and I said 'oh dear' so she swore at me and put the phone down. Now I realise I should have said 'its only a mock' or similar and in this instance her reaction is understandable, but even so I'm a bit fed up with the swearing which is getting to be a habit. She de-friended me from facebook after I asked her to delete a swear word from her wall.

I am not prepared to tolerate swearing in my presence really so I would like to know how other parents of older teens deal with this.

What I propose to do is let her know I think it unacceptable and ask for an apology when she next speaks to me. And I shan't ring her back. Is this very overbearing?

OP posts:
tomme · 24/01/2011 19:31

I can't believe you said oh dear to a b, I'd have sworn at you too, you sound incredibly overbearing, your DD is 17 not 7.

PixieOnaLeaf · 24/01/2011 19:35

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Choufleur · 24/01/2011 19:35

I'd have said well done for a B in a mock. Maybe she was really pissed off with your reaction.

At 17 i wouldn't want my mum to be my friend on facebook (if it had existed) and would hate her censoring something like that.

I think you should apologise for your comment about the B before you ask for an apology.

manicbmc · 24/01/2011 19:38

My dd went through a very sweary phase between about 14 and 15. I blame her father. She still swears but not so much - she is 16 now. Depending on what word she used I'd probably not be that bothered by it at all. She does tend to talk to me rather than swear though.

I'd just maybe say you don't lie to be sworn at by anyone, including her and leave it at that if it's bothering you.

I'd also lighten up on the 'oh dears' concerning grades. Our kids are put under so much pressure by schools, and by themselves. They need encouragement and support. I can't wait til June when these GCSEs are finished.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 24/01/2011 19:39

I agree that it depends what she said and more importantly how she said it... if she said 'Oh Fuck Off' then we'd be having words, if she said 'Oh shit I knew you'd say that' then I'd let it go.

I also think your 'Oh dear' depends on the context too - if you implied 'Oh dear, that's not good enough is it' then I'd probably tell you to piss off too - but if you meant 'Oh dear, I know you'll be disappointed' it's different isn't it.

mumeeee · 24/01/2011 20:39

Why did you say oh dear to a B, I think that is a good grade especially in a mock. She was probably upset that you didn't congratulate her,

Tortington · 24/01/2011 20:42

it doesn't matter that she said 'oh dear' her daughter shouldnt have sworn at her mother.

howeer op, asking her to delete a swearword off facebook when she is 17 is ridiculous - she 17 for fuck sake

Original poster
funnyperson · 24/01/2011 20:46

DD rang back and apologised. She is a good girl. We had a proper chat about exams etc.

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OesMorDdreng · 24/01/2011 20:48

I know swearing isn't acceptable, but her reaction was to be expected. If she was on target for A's, then she was probably disappointed herself. Having you affirm this disappointment rather than being encouraging was probably quite unpleasant.

I'm 17 and wouldn't have been overjoyed at your reaction, although obviously her swearing wasn't acceptable.

I remember I got a B in one of my GCSE science modules a few years ago when I expected an A. My mother's reaction wasn't as supportive as I would have hoped, and this doubly upset me.

I doubt she really meant it to spite you or anything, she was just disappointed with herself and your reaction provoked anger.

Let her know that you won't tolerate swearing, but don't ask for an apology. If you have to ask for it, and apology is worthless anyway.
I do think it's a tiny bit overbearing. Especially the Facebook thing. I don't personally, but many of my perfectly lovely friends, swear on FAcebook on occasion. It's not a mortal sin.I think it would probably be best you don't have each other as Facebook friends tbh.

Original poster
funnyperson · 24/01/2011 21:00

DD apologised herself without me asking actually. I am lucky to have her and wouldn't change her for any other 17 year old in the world.

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Tortington · 24/01/2011 21:01

awwwwwwwwwww

rolandweary · 24/01/2011 21:02

At 17 I wouldn't have sworn at you, I would have cried and felt like shit.

I think you should look at how you support your daughter through the pressures of exams and think about WHY you are a mother this "good girl" feels the need to swear at.

PixieOnaLeaf · 24/01/2011 21:04

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usualsuspect · 24/01/2011 21:06

I don't think its the end of the world for a 17 year old to swear ...and the fb censoring is ridiculous really

oxocube · 24/01/2011 21:10

Sounds like you should be asking her to accept YOUR apology. My eldest is 15 and I wouldn't dream of treating him like this Sad

Original poster
funnyperson · 24/01/2011 21:41

It is highly unusual for DD to swear at me.

But it does flag up that A levels are stressful for her. So it is a wake up call for me to be ultra ultra sensitive.

'I wouldn't dream of treating him like this' is a bit over the top - all families are different. If your son can't take an 'oh dear' at 15 oxocube then how is he going to manage?

If you mean the facebook thing- well as you know if a friend updates their status and that update contains a swear word then you end up with a swear word on your wall. Which I didn't particularly want. And I didnt (and dont) particularly want my daughter to be putting a swear word on her 600 or so friend's walls either.

If your 17 (or 15) year old swore in front of you and 600 other people would you let it go? Just because it is the net doesn't make it different.

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 24/01/2011 21:51

At 17 she is responsible for her communication with the world, not you. All you can do is tell her you don't want to see it/hear it - you can't dictate how her and her friends communicate.

It's good you are no longer friends on FB.

Original poster
funnyperson · 24/01/2011 22:13

I think it is silly to expect things said on facebook to be secret. It is a social networking site after all not a private site.

A lot of DD friend's mums are facebook friends with their children so ultimately anything major comes out- whether the young people want it or not. I have 3 generations among my (very small number of) face book friends. I don't really get the need for there to be a generational divide. It doesn't make a lot of difference whether she is my facebook friend or not because we can still private message each other.

I don't dictate to DD at all and she is free to take or leave what I say- but that doesn't mean I have to keep silent about things I disagree with.

I dont have to keep silent if her friends do or say anything I disagree with either. When she was my facebook friend one of her 'friends' posted something really rude and crude on her wall. Again, the sort of thing one would never accept in a real world as opposed to the net. So I told him to keep his mouth clean in the 'comments' option. 600 or so of his friends saw that. Very amusing. He wasn't rude to DD on facebook after that. There was banter, but it wasn't so in your face rude banter and so much more pleasant for all concerned. DD was embarrassed but not as embarrassed as she would have been if the boys had continued in that vein on her wall.

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PixieOnaLeaf · 24/01/2011 22:15

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Original poster
funnyperson · 24/01/2011 22:22

Pixie no I haven't apologised, but I have made it clear I support her and love her and that getting a B in a mock is not a disaster in my book.

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PixieOnaLeaf · 24/01/2011 22:30

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MissSayuri · 24/01/2011 22:45

I bet all of her friends think you're a bit of an old bag by the way.
Teens swear, deal with it and it's really important to them that their parents get on with their pals. I would have DIED if my mum told off a mate when I was 17, they're not in bloody nursery!
Also, you have no right chastising one of her pals on a public forum. That's out of order and if I saw my girl being told off by someone's mum, I'd be having words.

Original poster
funnyperson · 24/01/2011 23:08

haha misssayuri you are right ; I am an old bag in your eyes-a nasty, horrible, chastising-on-public-forum-old-bag-and I'm not even repentant about the facebook thing. Shock

The boy's mum would have been totally on my side incidentally, but I was kind to him and never told his mum how he had behaved- DD deleted his post. He and his friends don't think worse of me, funnily enough. They realise I'm looking out for my daughter.

It takes all sorts misssayuri-lots of parents don't give a monkeys how their children/teenagers behave and think its wrong to ask them to behave well.

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MissSayuri · 24/01/2011 23:15

Well I think staying on at school, getting Bs and being open enough to have your mum as a friend on FB is behaving well. You're the one who's behaving badly with the 'oh dear' remark.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 24/01/2011 23:54

I didn't say anything on Facebook was a secret did I? Hmm I said I think it's better you are not friends on there with your 17 year old daughter (being as you think it's entirely reasonable to make her remove her comments if she swears on there).

She de-friended me from facebook after I asked her to delete a swear word from her wall Clearly you didn't ask her to do it in a way she felt able to say no - so she deleted you as a friend.

I dont have to keep silent if her friends do or say anything I disagree with either. When she was my facebook friend one of her 'friends' posted something really rude and crude on her wall. Again, the sort of thing one would never accept in a real world as opposed to the net. So I told him to keep his mouth clean in the 'comments' option. 600 or so of his friends saw that. Very amusing. He wasn't rude to DD on facebook after that. There was banter, but it wasn't so in your face rude banter and so much more pleasant for all concerned. DD was embarrassed but not as embarrassed as she would have been if the boys had continued in that vein on her wall

You were kind to him and never told his Mummy what he did - FGS at what point are you going to realise they are 17 not 7??

No, not controlling at all Hmm

You asked in your OP if it was overbearing - well YES it is - but I suspect you only wanted people to post who agree with you.

Oh and as a bit of a clue - you have no idea what he/they think of you!