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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD swore at me.

57 replies

funnyperson · 24/01/2011 19:13

What would others do?

DD (age 17) got a B in one of her mock exams and I said 'oh dear' so she swore at me and put the phone down. Now I realise I should have said 'its only a mock' or similar and in this instance her reaction is understandable, but even so I'm a bit fed up with the swearing which is getting to be a habit. She de-friended me from facebook after I asked her to delete a swear word from her wall.

I am not prepared to tolerate swearing in my presence really so I would like to know how other parents of older teens deal with this.

What I propose to do is let her know I think it unacceptable and ask for an apology when she next speaks to me. And I shan't ring her back. Is this very overbearing?

OP posts:

TheVisitor · 25/01/2011 00:00

You are overbearing! Oh dear for a B? That's a GOOD mark. I'm not surprised she swore, she must have been gutted that you thought she'd done badly, undermining all the hard work she's put in recently. I'm not surprised she defriended you, you're probably embarrassing her by telling her friends off.

BluddyMoFo · 25/01/2011 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rinabean · 25/01/2011 00:07

I wish I'd had the nerve to swear at my mother when she treated me like this. But she'd worn me down too much already.

MadAboutQuavers · 25/01/2011 00:16

"they realise I'm looking out for my daughter"

Oh dear

I'm afraid that is not how you come across, funnyperson

You sound very cloying

No wonder she de-friended you on Facebook. You're the classic embarrassing mother - and you're the only one who can't see it!

Original poster

funnyperson · 25/01/2011 03:05

chippinginsmelly I didnt 'make' her remove any posts as she did it herself. She had the choice.

I probably have a bit more of a clue as to what her friends think of me than, for example madaboutquavers, mainly because DD is a very articulate communicative pleasant young lady who always speaks her mind though very rarely swears. Naturally, therefore, I get the lowdown as to exactly what her friends think of me - good and bad. DD is hardly downtrodden like you all seem to think. I don't like her swearing. And she knows it.

When I first posted DD hadn't rung back. She has, and we finished our conversation, and, as I said, she apologised.

I think I probably am the classic embarrassing mother. But its not that I cant see it- it just has ceased to worry me. Both my children are prepared to own me (and even hug me-very cloying indeed ) in public. Even though they are now 17 and not 7.

Once at a station I was sitting next to a group of young girls whose every second word was f.......

When I posted I think I was worried that DD was turning into that sorry type of constantly swearing girl. Now I know she isn't and so I don't feel the same as when I first posted. It is as simple as that.

OP posts:

oxocube · 25/01/2011 06:37

'I wouldn't dream of treating him like this' is a bit over the top - all families are different. If your son can't take an 'oh dear' at 15 oxocube then how is he going to manage?

Of course my 15 year old can take an "Oh Dear". And on the occasions when he has had a bad grade at school because of lack of effort or laziness, I assure you he has hear a lot worse than "oh dear". But I treat my son like a young adult. I don't patronise him, I wouldn't dream of commenting on his Facebook page and embarrassing him in front of his friends.

In short, I treat my son, in fact all my kids, with the respect I would like to receive myself. It doesn't mean I have to be their best friend, but it does mean that I realise they are growing up, they need some space and they need support rather than criticism.

And just in case you jump to conclusions, my kids are well behaved, extremely well mannered and (usually) fun to be around. I like to feel the way they have turned out is a product of mutual respect. Incidentally, almost all of my friends' kids are the same.

oxocube · 25/01/2011 06:38

heard

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 06:42

Saying "oh dear" to a B is fucking horrible. FFS.

Even if this were a high-achieving girl for whom a B was like a fail, it'd be horrible. I was one of those girls - absolutely devastated when I 'only' got a B for biology AS, but my parents still congratulated me. Jeez.

gorionine · 25/01/2011 06:47

I agree with you WRT swearing (especially at parent). I do not swear, Dh does not swear and I cannot think of any reason why I should think it's ok for one of my Dcs to swear. Reading your latest post, it seems you have got a great DD though.

WRT your expectetions of school work/results, maybe you will have to be a bit less vocal with your desappointment. Having a B at a mock exam might not be what you want but it is a very reasonable achievement for most people.Maybe your Dd was a bit desappointed herself and could hve done with a " do not worry, you will get better next time!"

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 06:50

"...and that getting a B in a mock is not a disaster in my book"

Wow. Do you realise how horrible you sound? You still haven't said that it's actually a good result? Or apologised?

Will she get an "oh dear" if she gets a B in the real exam?

Poor girl.

MadAboutQuavers · 25/01/2011 07:21

Your DD does sound great

And I'm afraid she sounds a lot more generous natured and magnanimous than you

I hope she's able to manage your extraordinarily high expectations in the real exams, and cope with your seemingly conditional support

As if she hasn't got enough pressures of her own

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 25/01/2011 07:27

Oh dear indeed, I want to swear as well.

Original poster

funnyperson · 25/01/2011 07:38

You are right - I felt terrible that I hadn't come out with a 'don't worry' immediately. I told her that when she rang back. I also let her know my support isn't conditional and never has been. And a whole lot of other stuff- but hey, some conversations are private.

OP posts:

Fififi · 25/01/2011 07:46

Just seen this. Don't beat yourself up funnyp.

You said "oh dear" because you know your DD would be wanting an A, needs to get an A, would be stressed that she didn't get an A. Yes in an ideal world you'd have said "don't worry, it's a mock" but I'm guessing (from experience) that even had you said that she would have retorted with a swear word and a "you don't understand...".

The stakes are high for you and DD. There'll be some more rows I'm sure twixt now and June/August.

But blimey - stay clear of facebook!!!

MarioandLuigi · 25/01/2011 07:48

I think that you should feel terrible, not only for what you said, but for the fact you wont apologise when you expect your DD to.

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 07:50

Tbh I wouldn't even say "don't worry" - that still sounds like you think a B is rubbish. I know it sounds insignificant but words have massive impact especially from parents! :)

gorionine · 25/01/2011 07:58

Freudian, If OP's DD is anything like mine she will need a "Do not worry!" because she will be the person putting a lot of pressure on herself. My own DD is much younger than OP, She is 11 but already has been putting herself through hell and back when she thinks she has not performed her best. Playing it down when she has "done bad" (her words, not mine) is the only way I have found to lessen the pressure. I always encourage her to do "her best" also making sure that she knows her best does not mean necessarely the top mark every time!

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 08:37

I see your point - but I think I'd still at least start with a Well Done, That's Great! Then I'd gauge the reaction and follow up with a Don't Worry if necessary, if they were being harsh on themselves.

Say they were in a race and came in third, and they were terribly upset - you'd say "third place is great" wouldn't you? Rather than "oh dear".

Children need to feel that their parents think the world of them and their achievements, even when the children themselves are a bit disappointed :)

brimfull · 25/01/2011 08:41

My dd, 19, swears in my presence but then I do in hers, she probably didn't at 17 ,it's been a gradual thing as she's become older.
As for her facebook ,well that's her business.

She would never swear at me though and I would never swear at her.

walkinZombie · 25/01/2011 16:34

Why would you say 'Oh Dear' to a B???

never mind the swearing,

maryz · 25/01/2011 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redsrule · 01/02/2011 10:54

I am suprised that you don't feel the need to apologise. I am a secondary teacher and one thing pupils I teach always say when they leave is that they appreciated the way I apologised when I made a mistake ( "Stop talking Billybob!" "It was me says Johnboy" "Sorry Billybob"). I strongly believe teenagers have to see adults taking responsibility in order to learn to do so themselves and you did make a rather callous comment. You need to think about the message you are sending to your DD by not apologising, that it is OK to hurt the feelings of people you love?

Original poster

funnyperson · 01/02/2011 14:02

Thank you Redsrule but DD and I have had lots of conversations since I posted on this thread and I don't intend to detail them all. No one is that interested.

Your example is not the issue raised here or even remotely like it.

Fififi has probably understood the situation best.

'You said "oh dear" because you know your DD would be wanting an A, needs to get an A, would be stressed that she didn't get an A. Yes in an ideal world you'd have said "don't worry, it's a mock" but I'm guessing (from experience) that even had you said that she would have retorted with a swear word and a "you don't understand...".

OP posts:

Redsrule · 01/02/2011 21:06

Still suprised

MadAboutQuavers · 02/02/2011 00:02

I'm surprised you can't spell surprised, Redsrule, considering you are a teacher

However, I agree with the point you're making

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