Where has my happy intelligent son gone?

[meemu28]

My DS used to be charming, helpful, happy and very intelligent.
For the last year though he has become increasingly sullen, mouthy, selfish and appears to have lost his brain. He is 11.

He wants to be treated like an adult yet can't accept responsibility for anything. i have agreed to top up his phone with £20.00 every month but he has to wash up at least 4 nights a week and keep his room tidy. Needless to say he thinks this is forced child labour.
His personal hygiene is appalling with me having to march him to the shower / bath before he will consider washing. Each morning we have the same arguement where I ask if he has brushed his teeth, he says yes, I check his 'dry' toothbrush and tell him to do them again. He tells me I am horrible and don't care about him. His breath is so bad some days I can't bear to have him close to me. Even the dentist chewing him out doesn't work.
His only concern seems to be his X Box, which I have removed from his room many times.
He lies over the smallest of things - Where have you been (around), have you changed your underwear and socks (yes), do you have homework (no)
Last night after spending all day running round after my DD 1yr DSS 8yr DH and DS, I finally sat down to read the paper at 7.30pm. I casually asked DS are you sure you don't have homework, only to be told that he actually had 4 different pieces to hand in on Monday. Asked why he hadn't done them earlier I was told because it is 'boring'. Cue 9.45pm and I am still sat with him doing homework otherwise he would be sat there till about 3am messing about with his mobile.

Any way starting to rant a bit but is it an age thing? Are most 11 year old boys like this? He just doesn't seem to care about anything but bloody X Box!

welcome my child into the church of teens.

there is no advice.

one day you will reACH THE STAGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT where you say to yourself' they are your bloody teeth, brush 'em or don't'

until then just breathe

sorry sounds normal to me.
the showering will improve when a girl comes on the scene.
same with teeth...
the rest just goes on and on and on.
(mum to 18yr old x box addict)

Why are you sitting down to help with the homework?

He needs to face the consequences from the school/head teacher, otherwise all he will learn is that you will bail him out whenever he can't be bothered to do anything.

Don't top up his phone until after the chores are done.

Why does he still have the X box?

I have 2 dss - 19 and 21, and have been through all this and more. You have to set the ground rules now, and stick to your guns, be consistant and follow through. You and his dad must be totally consistant.

I had a written, signed standard of behaviour contract with ds1, agreed on a day when we were both calm.

I would strongly advise you to speak with his teacher asap, to find out what is going on at school. Take their advice.

Check for signs of cannabis use. It is available in every secondary school in the country and is not beyond the bounds of possibility.

HTH. They do come out the other end, but you have to get it under control now.

Thanks for your replies. I think part of the problem is I had his sister just over a year ago and he feels a little pushed out.
I love him dearly but just lately all I seem to do is tell him off.
I have made time for just the two of us, going to the pictures, football etc. Even his step-dad has spent time on his own with him. We usually get a few good hours before hes has a huge meltdown over something and nothing.
I am sick of being the evil witch and hearing 'I want to go and live with my dad'. I have explained that if he lives with him it will not be the same as when he goes to visit as his dad and I agree on the way he is raised and back eachother up on this, but he thinks the grass is greener over there.

It's awful but some days I am tempted to pack his bags.....

Could he go and live with his dad for a while? Handled carefully it might be just what he needs.

You say that you and his dad agree on the ground rules/upbringing, maybe a bit of male bonding would be a good thing.

IME boys of this age really, really need a good father figure/male role model.

3littlefrogs I had to help with his homework otherwise he would have been sat there most of the night concentrating on his art picture and not getting the French, Maths done. I didn't give him the answers just sat there to really motivate him and get him to think about what he was doing.

I have tried the not topping up his phone, removed his tv, DSi, X Box from his room. He once came back from school and found everything removed except his bed. Needless to say none of this has worked.
I spoke to his pastoral care teacher last week regarding school but to be honest I don't really think she has taken that much time with him as she stated he didn't enjoy school as he had to do french and it can be daunting starting a new language. I pointed out that he has done french for the last 2 years at junior school so this couldn't be the case. I have since heard nothing.
I don't think the problem is drugs as I am well aware of the signs of abuse and living with his dad is probably not the best idea as he would have to live in a different county and change schools.

I think when he gets home tonight I am going to give him a big hug and tell him how much I love him...... preferably before I go into his room and find that plate full of mould and used glass I know will be under his bed!

I got a book out the library called "Whatever"- you will see this is entirely normal and not anything to do with his sister.

Mine is 15 now but 12/13 ish was the worst. He now showers, attends to his spots and brushes his teeth (still got a way to go with some things).

I second 3littlefrogs advice esp re communication with the school. Calm, consistent discipline(easier said than done), physically setting time limits/removing XBoX?switching lights out, letting them face the consequences of the real world - how does he feel about falling behind in class cos of not doing homework?

I don't think he needs packed off to his Dad- he needs to kick against your system for a while. POssibly more responsibilities would be good even though it maens a daily arguemnt about chores and an enforced system of rewards/consequences. Mine hated his chores and was vile about the whole thing but now he makes sure his little sister is doing them properly and she is kicking against a system of 3!(She is going on 11 so its back to the start for me).

Sounds very familiar. He's turning into a teenager. I take solace from MN that my DS will come out the other end.

I read a helpful book called "Just Get Out of my Life But First Take Me and Alex into Town".

Regarding homework - have been in the same position and even when everything else is going on one of the first things we do when he gets in from school is look at the planner - what does he have to do tonight, what he could be getting ahead on and helping plan time - remind him that he has after school activities, busy weekend coming etc. They need help with this type of thing.

Cheers frankenfanny I am off to the libary this afternoon.

Thanks claricebeansmum i will take a peek at you book suggestion too. I have told him that homework must be done once he gets in from school and is changed. Last week though he mysteriously 'lost' his planner so I couldn't check. I have explained that if he handles his homework time properly that he will be able to spread it out during the week and have more freetime.
Of course though I was never his age and have NO idea about such things......

Lost planner? we have a list on the fridge of homework timetable..and then if you can't remember you have to phone a friend. And then if it is from a textbook you have forgotten you have to go to school 30mins earlier so you can go to the library to do it. No wriggle room.

But more important than the sanctions are helping plan and organise. This battle isn't over for me but it is getting a little better plus GCSEs looming focus the little mind.

I reckon Yr 8 & 9 are possibly the worst.

And the other thing is don't sweat the small stuff. Don't fight over everything - yes it is annoying that they don't do everything the way you would like when you would like but if you don't have a go over everything then when you do it is more effective.

It can also be valuable lesson tool eg DS never put clothes in wash but does now as one too many times he has been standing in a sea of dead clothes asking me for clean ones and I have just shrugged my shoulders.

I hate to say it, but IME 17 is the worst age. Then they get a lot better.

I second the idea of the planner on the fridge. They do need help with strategies for planning and organising the homework, and all the other chores. Breaking everything down into manageable chunks helps to stop the feeling of being overwhelmed by everything.

Sorry - I didn't know your ex lived in another county.

I wrote my ds a letter telling him how much i loved him, and why I needed to discipline him etc etc (not using those words, I hasten to add) He still has that letter, I used to find it from time to time when I went to return his belongings to his room. I know he used to read it - he still has it, and he is nearly 22!

Do you have good relationships with his friends and their parents? This helps a lot when they are going through this phase.

3littlefrogs I love the letter idea. I will try that this afternoon. A lot of other parents a my DDs playgroup or DSs school have said the same thing. I keep telling my DH that it's probably just hormones. As his step-dad he is great, patient and genuinely cares about my DS. I think however the patience is starting to wear a bit thin as it turns into battle of the alpha male.

I find this thread really interesting as I have a Year 10, just today turned thirteen boy with what seems like an inch of yellow scum on his teeth and a distinct lack of clean clothes. The dentist has had several gos at telling him off, the orthodontist is threatening to withhold the brace he may need.

The homework is only done if I sit at the same table, not helping much - just being there to make sure he's not staring into space.

And his planner is lost quite regularly too...mysteriously disappears. I have had a chuckle at some of your posts and I feel a bit better that I'm not the only mum with these problems. Thanks

My dentist has shown him those horrific pictures they keep in a folder and I have even bought him those pink tablets that show up plaque.
Thank god he tried them on a Friday though as they stained his lips and it looked as though he had lipstick on for the whole weekend.
Maybe I should threaten him with a second helping if he doesn't buck his ideas up....I am not sure even I am so cruel as to make him go to school like that though.

I use those pink tablets, well ours are blue. They're called Disclosure tablets as far as I know and I get them in Boots, they're not expensive. I have to use them periodically because the only way to make sure my kids give their teeth a really good scrub is to get all the blue stuff off, and you can be sure there's no way they'd have blue teeth going to school the following day.

We haven't had a problem with staining the lips, although that might be because we use blue ones.

Hi the hygiene thing does improve. At 14 mine started having daily showers without being begged. Also started demanding particular kinds of toothpaste so presumably were brushiing teeth.

Have done the marching into shower. Hiding school uniform until they have showered. Then they will discover Lynx...... Equally choking smell.,

How do teachers of this age group cope? Wear masks? Spray on large amounts of perfume..

My son uses Lynx as an alternative to showering. Covers the smell.

I don't think most 11 year olds are like this - because their parents don't let them be like this.

Sounds like your son has had a lot of changes in his life. He is only 11, a child - I think you need to give him more (positive) attention. Sounds like he has already had to experience the break up of his parents relationship, step siblings and his mother having a baby with a new partner. These are all big things to deal with.

Think he needs a big hug and lots of understanding. Yes, kids can be frustrating and hard work at times but we chose to have them.

Regarding homework and an 11 year old; I think you should be talking about weekend homework on a Friday and helping them plan their schedule (and then check it is done to the best of their ability). If they tell you they don't have homework then you plan some learning linked to their course and email / phone the teacher to discuss if you want to check out what they say.

Teeth cleaning / showering. No discussion - daily and at least twice a day. If they smell etc. they rectify the situation straight away - they are still a child and you are the adult.

Maybe if you spent some time one to one with him at the weekends, maybe going to see a film and have a pizza and a chat you would open up communication & see some improvements.

My son is 16. He has been driving me demented for at least 18mths. He has always been a bit of a handful but at least he was charming with it. He has lost his charm and is now just a PITA. I am hanging on to the knowledge that everyone I know with a teenager is going through the same stuff.

He lost his Oyster card again today. He now has to work out how he is getting to college until his new one comes. I am not doing it for him anymore. He has lost his house keys about 6 times in the last year.

Only he doesn lose them, oh no, they are stolen or just disappear and he never breaks things they 'break'

The thing that gets to be above all else is the dishonesty. We are an open and honest family and he has been bought up in that way. How the hell did he become such a liar? I just dont get it. He lies so much that I just cannot believe anything he says anymore. That makes me feel really sad.

He has started to wash more now so that somethng I suppose.