Where has my happy intelligent son gone?

[meemu28]

My DS used to be charming, helpful, happy and very intelligent.
For the last year though he has become increasingly sullen, mouthy, selfish and appears to have lost his brain. He is 11.

He wants to be treated like an adult yet can't accept responsibility for anything. i have agreed to top up his phone with £20.00 every month but he has to wash up at least 4 nights a week and keep his room tidy. Needless to say he thinks this is forced child labour.
His personal hygiene is appalling with me having to march him to the shower / bath before he will consider washing. Each morning we have the same arguement where I ask if he has brushed his teeth, he says yes, I check his 'dry' toothbrush and tell him to do them again. He tells me I am horrible and don't care about him. His breath is so bad some days I can't bear to have him close to me. Even the dentist chewing him out doesn't work.
His only concern seems to be his X Box, which I have removed from his room many times.
He lies over the smallest of things - Where have you been (around), have you changed your underwear and socks (yes), do you have homework (no)
Last night after spending all day running round after my DD 1yr DSS 8yr DH and DS, I finally sat down to read the paper at 7.30pm. I casually asked DS are you sure you don't have homework, only to be told that he actually had 4 different pieces to hand in on Monday. Asked why he hadn't done them earlier I was told because it is 'boring'. Cue 9.45pm and I am still sat with him doing homework otherwise he would be sat there till about 3am messing about with his mobile.

Any way starting to rant a bit but is it an age thing? Are most 11 year old boys like this? He just doesn't seem to care about anything but bloody X Box!

same here i am afraid mrsdv although things reached a point during the summer where i felt like leaving home myself.
we have umpteen amounts of money just 'lost'
it drives me up the wall.its as if every value and lesson you have tried to teach them over the years means nothing - i really felt so sad that we had lost our relationship completely but i have to say things have improved slightly since ds turned 16.15 was awful i wouldn't want to go through that again.
dd13 is a peach (at the mo)

Hey ! Snap! We must have the same child! The smelly bit wears me down, and I get the teacher to yell at him for homework not done. I pick the battles, and no xbox for 3 days does the world of good, but we don't allow ANY screens in the bedrooms at all. At least then he HAS to come to the communal areas to play those, and we get to see him...

I'd agree with the hygene comments. In a year or two you won't be able to get in the bathroom and he will pong of Lynx. Just be aware that he may need some advice (perhaps fromdad?)about how to keep his privates clean.

I have the x box battle. In fact I don't know a family who don't.
My X box rules are these
It's never allowed in the bedroom.
Not before school.
No more than one hour at a time.
Maximum 2 hours on school days, 3 at weekends.
No X box for one day every week.
Break these rules and it's off.

I know it sometime feels like you are the wicked witch but it's the down side of parenting and he Will Not hate you for it.

Dont just take the x box away-delete the saved games too :)

I can recommend www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/1853408573.

has some good strategies for getting teens on board with problem solving the family issues.

i also have an 11yr old DS and refer to him on a regular basis to my friends as 'a man in training' - i spend on average 3 hours trying to get him into the shower and then the next 3 hours trying to get him out of it. he thought he had it made this week because he's got a vurcucca (sorry about the spelling) and the chirpodist told him to keep his foot dry. Got round this by agreeing with him and telling him that I would have to bath him instead, if only i had a camera, coz that picture would've been blown up for his 18th!!!

mine doesn't get out of the house in the mornings until his teeth have been checked. he has been known to be sent back upstairs to the bathroom 5 or 6 times in the mornings to re-do them. kept the sending upstairs up for about a week but still check his teeth each morning. he eventually learned that it was just easier to do them the first time round - have to admit though that i'm not sure if he does them at night as well but for now, if they are clean once a day, I'm happy. I'm not after miracles (not yet anyway).

My eleven year old spent this evening playing his Ukulele to the dog he was also singing - the dog on the other hand was whimpering!

We keep the XBox (and dh's collection of consoles) in our sitting room. It does get a bit tedious watching/listening to Halo but it makes control much easier. I work whilst dh does most of the management/discipline, and so far we've not seen too much teenagerishness. Perhaps because ds has always had borderline behavioural issues, so many of the issues (forgetting his agenda, remembering vital stuff 5 mins before going to school, and ridiculous tantrums/strops) are and have always been part of how ds and generally growing up has made them better. dd on the other hand (just turned 10) we suspect will be rather more awful (partly because she is generally so good, so it will be more of a shock).

It might also be that he's not having to cope with the move to secondary school as where we live they don't go to high school until they are 13. It is a very difficult transition. Plus with a one year old to look after you may not be that tolerant yourself. I bet you are shattered by the end of the day (I know I would be!)

I feel a bit sorry for him I must admit - he has had a lot to cope with and perhaps when he says he wants to live with his Dad he is telling you that he feels unwanted. My ds is 11 so I can empathise but I do think it sounds a bit extreme for that age - ds tends have 'teenaged' days and 'child' days so it balances out and his friends seem the same.

meemu28 Sorry but I had to smile at your OP as your DS is exactly like mine who is 10, and has been like it since the age of 9 and progressively getting worse. I keep surreptitiously peering at his armpits, because I think if I can see hairs sprouting I will be a bit more understanding. But - no hairs, no interest in girls, just the pong and the attitude.

Last week he yelled "I HATE MY LIFE!!!" down the stairs. Why? Because DH had paid a lot of money for the whole family to go to an event DS was desperate to go to, and DS was speculating that if his little brother didn't go, then some of his friends could come instead. This made DD upset, and DH quite calmly asked him not to start uninviting people to a treat that was supposed to be for the whole family.

No real advice. I just bought "The explosive child" as it was recommended on a thread I started last week. It has some strategies about how to get them to do homework. Trouble is my DS is still at primary, and though they set homework and harp on about it - what happens if they don't do it? Absolutely bloody nothing!

Ballonslayer - my ds (just turned 10) is like that too.

Most of the time he is delightful (and everyone else, including the school, thinks he is) but every so often he has total meltdowns -like when you are checking through his homework and try to explain to him where he had made mistakes or when you ask him to do anything to help around the house (he has one responsibility - to empty the recycling bin but even that involves nagging and is only done whne it is overflowing) or when he gets asked to tidy his room or pick up things he has just dropped in the middle of the room.

We are now getting "I'll just run away" or "You don't love me, why don't I just kill myself" :(

God help us during the teenage years.

Prettybird/Balloonslayer/meemu - I wanted to cut and paste your posts and just claim them as my own. DS1 has just turned 10 and fits the profile exactly. Only last night he dissolved into tears and said "why have I suddenly become like this?"

I explained that it was all down to hormones and that MN is going to be around to guide us through the next few years!! (Custardo, I don't expect you remember but I about 5 years ago, on a thread long forgotten, I mentioned that it would be very, very useful if you could stay on MN for a few years whilst my boys went through their teens . . . ! I've seen it coming for a while. Rolling up my sleeves, ready to survive the next decade, as I post now)

"I have the x box battle. In fact I don't know a family who don't."

I do. Us. It's easy: don't have one, or anything like it.

have a 12 yr old who sounds like all others on this thread, like the title too! my ds is constantly texting his mates and cares not a jot about us or his db, drives you mad!

"my ds is constantly texting his mates and cares not a jot about us "

Presumably you're funding his phone?

just to say, I don't have a problem with the x box or any gaming as such, its just bloody facebook I can't get him off, he'd talk to his friends 24/7 if we let him

any one else have facebook constantl;y on?

Right you lot!!!! Hand over my son - this very minute

If the child who is temporarily living at your house has the initials TH then I would like my moody, smelly lad back please.

My DS4 (turned 13 at the end of July) is exactly the same!! He is very bright at school and is doing very well. BUT he too uses deodorant instead of having a shower, hates brushing his teeth etc etc.

This morning his exact words were 'Mum, I feel like I am growing in my sleep, I have got hairs coming everywhere, I am so short and thats yours and dads fault - 2 short people shouldn't have kids, and I'm always fed up AND is it ok if I have an 'overnighter' with my friend on Facebook tonight!!'

He met a lovely lad a year older than him on holiday in August....they plan to stay awake all night - my lad in the North of England and his pal Darn Sarf!! The joys of being a 53 year old mum of a teenager!!

ssd - X posts - yes we have Facebook on ALL the time here - but I do know his password and check up on him daily - and he knows I do

Toykanambu - we resisted until Christmas 2008! He was over the moon because we had always told hem we wouldn't get one!

Having said that, he doesn't play it that much (goes through phases).

We allowed his aunt to give him a 2nd hand phone with £10 credit for his birthday 2 weeks ago - with strict conditions as to when and where he can use it (ie almost nowhere). It was mainly 'cos his best friend has now moved to England and also has a mobile. 2 weeks on and he still has £8.76 credit on it!

The more potent threat is "No TV". That usually gets him doin hwatever it was was he was being asked to do.

Just wish that it could be achieved without the meltdown beforehand. :(

shabbapinkfrog You describe my DS1 exactly as he was at 11/12. He's 14 now and lovely.

I reluctantly allowed facebook only after he was 13 and also on condition that I know his password and check regularly. He soon got bored with it. ( Though not as bored as I was when reading all the drivel that was on there).

I was slightly hoodwinked into the x box. DS1 and DS2 saved Christmas and birthday money and clubbed together to buy it. I had no experience of it and of course once the genie is out of the bottle.... Having said that I've posted on here before that it does have a plus side living in the rural area that we do. It means they can chat and play with friend who live 15 miles away. There are no other children in our village.

Inthesticks you've given me hope..

I too have a just turned 12yr old,
He unfortunatly has been doing all the above since he was about 6
Was always at his primary school talking to his teacher, the Senco, the Head,
Ive done the lot taken toys, dsi's etc away, seen counsellors, psychologist,Dr's, parenting courses,
For years I thought it was me, being a bad parent..
Im hoping it's a phase and that when he turns 13 hes gonna be the best teenager in the world..
Here's to hope!!

LOL @ 'injury or mugging'

Just a suggestion re homework

Set aside an amount of time each evening (4:30-6 or something that matches your schedule) as work time

During that time he should complete his homework ... or read the newspaper ... or a book ... or use KS3 books available from Smiths or similar ... If there is always something provided for him to do he will quickly realise that he might a well be doing his homework :)

My son is 23 and still smelly :)