Where has my happy intelligent son gone?

[meemu28]

My DS used to be charming, helpful, happy and very intelligent.
For the last year though he has become increasingly sullen, mouthy, selfish and appears to have lost his brain. He is 11.

He wants to be treated like an adult yet can't accept responsibility for anything. i have agreed to top up his phone with £20.00 every month but he has to wash up at least 4 nights a week and keep his room tidy. Needless to say he thinks this is forced child labour.
His personal hygiene is appalling with me having to march him to the shower / bath before he will consider washing. Each morning we have the same arguement where I ask if he has brushed his teeth, he says yes, I check his 'dry' toothbrush and tell him to do them again. He tells me I am horrible and don't care about him. His breath is so bad some days I can't bear to have him close to me. Even the dentist chewing him out doesn't work.
His only concern seems to be his X Box, which I have removed from his room many times.
He lies over the smallest of things - Where have you been (around), have you changed your underwear and socks (yes), do you have homework (no)
Last night after spending all day running round after my DD 1yr DSS 8yr DH and DS, I finally sat down to read the paper at 7.30pm. I casually asked DS are you sure you don't have homework, only to be told that he actually had 4 different pieces to hand in on Monday. Asked why he hadn't done them earlier I was told because it is 'boring'. Cue 9.45pm and I am still sat with him doing homework otherwise he would be sat there till about 3am messing about with his mobile.

Any way starting to rant a bit but is it an age thing? Are most 11 year old boys like this? He just doesn't seem to care about anything but bloody X Box!

I was thinking that in a lot of ways this thread is similar to discussions people have about their five year olds, and starting school is a big factor there.

is what Shabbs sent me when my ds became a teenager!! Thanks Shabs!!

It's so depressing to see negative stuff about teenagers and pre teens. Has everyone forgotten what it's like to BE that age? How out of control and terrifying life seems as you go through massive changes? They aren't NEARLY grown up and still need and deserve lots of love, play, understanding and support. Why be so punitive? and yes, I have been through it. Of course it's hard work and maddening and relentless but hey, if you weren't up for that you shouldn't have joined, my mother always tells me. Would you prefer not to have them?

It's fairly normal behaviour. I wouldn't top up his phone for £20 a month why does an 11 year old ned that much on a phone? Don't stress too much about a tidy room just shut the door and leave hin to get on with it. The persanal hygiene thing is also normal for an 11 year old boy. I know at 11 my brother had an awful job getting my nephews to shower.

Rachel I dont think anyone is being very negative - I think we are all relieved that other folks kids are just like ours. I should have 4 wonderful sons but two of my boys have died......and yes, I would give everything I have got to have them back with me physically, smelly socks, armpits, spots, yellow teeth, bad tempers and forgetfulness.

Sometimes it is just great to see other people are living in 'our world!!!' xx

Unfortunately the "going into senior school" theory doesn't fit with my DS as he has only just gone into year 6 and has been like this for over a year.

As for "why be so punitive?" - in my case I am trying to stop my DS telling lies, especially blatantly crap ones like ranting on at me that he HAS cleaned his teeth, he HAS, WHY DO YOU NOT BELIEVE ME!!!! when his toothbrush is as dry as dust.

If we don't teach him, in the kindest way we can, that telling lies gets you into trouble then he is in for a much harder lesson in the big bad world.

I dont think Im being negative,
I peronally find it helpfull to know Im not the only one on this planet going thro all the crap, the lies, disrespect etc etc
and to be reassured that hopefully one day it will end, and he will be human (for want of another word) again.
Bloonslayer - my thoughts exactly

I don't think I'm being negative at all. Coming on here and having the relief that others are going through the same doesn't mean we don't love our teenagers and pre teens to bits.

I sit with my DD2, cuddle her through the crying, try to ignore the glaring and stropping, be firm when I need to be despite the opposition that is received with - try to do my best to handle her well. And I know that she will come through it eventually and probably feel bad about it (I remember being horrible at 11 - said sorry to my mum who says she doesn't remember!).

But it's hard work at times, no matter how much we love them. And it's so reassuring to come on here and know that a lot of the things I seem to be up against are common to other people as well. :)

I'm not being negative, just rejoicing in the shared pain on this thread - don't take it so seriously Rachel

MrDeVere - your ds sounds just like mine, he's 15 in a couple of months. I've lost count of the Oyster Cards and keys. I've become so frustrated that when he asked me the other day to get money out of his savings for a(nother) new skate board I told him that if I do, the money will be going straight in my purse as reimbursement. Grrr.

I look forward to the voluntary showering though.

Hi Mum of teens and I work with them

They are so emotionally vulnerable and I think this is at odds with the fact they have size 11 feet and are 6 foot tall!

I hope this doesnt come across as critical but why are you so worried about whether he has had a shower etc- noone died fron being grubby.
Imagine if someone nagged you endlessly -what would be your reaction? you would dig your heels in pretty quick!
In no time he will be drenched in lynx and you will never get to use the bathroom again!

Vital to keep the lines of communication open- text if necessary. When DS1 was going through "the change" I found texting him easier than asking him if he was up in the mornings etc
Also if I have been grumpy or we argued a text to say sorry usually ended up with DS1
coming down to see me and a hug etc!

Sorry this is long but essential to look at the long term of your relationship with your son and pick your battles - I would never argue back and after the drama has died down remind him that rudeness is not tolerated .

Essentially I have 2 pretty great DS now and gasp they go out in public with me !

Rain - Oh thank you thank you. That's all heartening. Can't wait .

But I can't text ds as he loses/breaks every phone and I can't keep up with it.

HaHa- should have shares in Lynx

Monty its vital to keep a sense of humour(and plenty of wine)!!

Rain - oh believe me I do have copious amounts of wine supplies and a massive sense of humour.

He's gorgeous!

Aren't they all.

Rain but what's your opinion on those that are 10/11, and don't appear to be all that near puberty but who seem to be "perfect Kevins" ?

I would be a sight more sympathetic to my DS were he 13, but he's 10! And no, I don't think he is going to have a particularly early puberty - he has chronic BO and eats for England but that's it.

Is there a pre-puberty stage that explains it all? Desperate for insight . . . every thing I look at just focuses on puberty and physical symptoms, of which he has none.

HiBalloon I have 1DD and 2 DS

DD was pretty challenging age 10- 11 and started her periods age 12.I think that puberty is pretty lengthy and starts well before they have physical evidence of it.

If your DS has BO then there are some hormones racing around there! Little children dont get BO no matter how hot they get.
My DS2 is 12 - He has no facial or underarm hair but has proudly announced that "he has hairs down there" .{grin]
He seems quite relieved actually and that we can talk about it.

Reading this makes me glad that my DD aged 13 is at boarding school and I'm spared the homework/washing/teeth/laundry/tidiness battles...but I miss the hugs and just having her around SO much.

I am giggling, weeping and sighing HUGE sighs of relief at this thread..

DS has lied about his homework, had 3 detentions and a referral this term already.. last year he worked so hard not to get any at all..

Washing up is appalling.. I tell him he either does it again or eats of his own washing up whilst we eat off clean stuff...

I also get the regression stuff where he has the vocabulary of

a 3 yr old... and the voice.... grrrrrrrrrrrr

I've just waved a barely awake DS off to High School on my precious public holiday day off. He wanted to stay at home because he was "tired". It appears that because he had to take an empty drinks can to school for some art topic he felt it appropriate to neck a can of coke right before bedtime I was on one of my very rare nights out with friends, and DH was doing the packed lunches, ironing etc, so we took our eyes off the big lump of a boy for a few minutes, otherwise he (naturally) would not have been drinking coke and would subsequently been able to sleep before 2am. He's an intelligent lad....but just not very bright. A lesson learned, I think.

the lying!! that's suddenly started ... ds had always been ultra-truthful until this summer, but suddenly has started lying about stupid things, which he must know he's going to get found out about (unless he genuinely thinks I'm that stupid )

He had a half day on Friday as he was needed at his school's open day on Saturday. He came home saying he'd done two bits of homework at lunchtime and was going to do his maths right now so he'd have a home-work free weekend. Hurrah, I thought, what a sensible decision, so different from the painful procrastinating we have the rest of the time, maybe we've turned a corner - hah!

45 mins later he came downstairs saying he'd done all his homework and could he play xbox. Saturday morning he's at school, Sat pm playing xbox online with his friends, cousins round in the evening, more xbox on Sun am - all very relaxed, has a gala on Sun pm, half an hour before he's supposed to leave he suddenly says "I haven't done my maths homework" wtf?????? and "I can't do it now I've got to go to the gala"

He did do it and has now lost xbox for the week. But he doesn't understand that what I'm angry about is the lying, the completely pointless lying - arrrggghhhhh

AFAK, hormones start triggering about 2 years before the first visible signs of puberty. As teachers we noticed it anywhen from about 9 onwards. DD2 at 11 has no visible signs of puberty at all - she's tiny and looks like a child. But there's obviously something going on behind the surface!

Maisie, does one can of coke seriously affect your ds that much?

Yes, it does. Full of caffeine - not really a bedtime drink for anyone, is it, esp. not a child.

What do you think will happen when there's a Bacardi in it? I tend to find the soporific effects of the alcohol cancel out the caffeine, but everyone is different.

hi meemu well i have a 13 year old ds who sounds just like yours and an 11 year old dd who is heading that way...yeah sounds normal..

every sympathy...oh and i am also in a new relationship and been separated nearly 3 years so i get that that doesnt help and yes...

as lady lapsang says you do need to give consideraion to what they are going through with that..but i am sure that you have worried about that just as i do..

what you have to remember is that teens act like this whether there parents are split up or not ..

and i have had times where i have said, so you want to go to dads then? - oops - but it did buck him up a bit..

and i promise i have had more sleepness nights and worries over what i have 'put him through' than i careto think about..and i worry still..

BUT but but.. as everyone reminds me - if he wasnt kicking out about that he would be kicking out about something else - thats what being a teenager is all about..

so , they both are hopeless soap dodgers, my ds is often caught doing homework whilst also on facebook, texting, whatever..i think this is all fairly common stuff - its nothing you are doing wrong - and they do have their sweet moments -

oh and i do drag out the disclosing tablets before the dentist visit lol - but i have faith that once he wants to start kissing girls - eek - he will bother just a litle more!

dont listen to anyone who suggests its your fault or you are parenting wrong - if you didnt care you wouldnt be on here would you? same as all of us.

its just those bloody teenage years and they will come out of it the other end just fine..
we hope!!