Where has my happy intelligent son gone?

[meemu28]

My DS used to be charming, helpful, happy and very intelligent.
For the last year though he has become increasingly sullen, mouthy, selfish and appears to have lost his brain. He is 11.

He wants to be treated like an adult yet can't accept responsibility for anything. i have agreed to top up his phone with £20.00 every month but he has to wash up at least 4 nights a week and keep his room tidy. Needless to say he thinks this is forced child labour.
His personal hygiene is appalling with me having to march him to the shower / bath before he will consider washing. Each morning we have the same arguement where I ask if he has brushed his teeth, he says yes, I check his 'dry' toothbrush and tell him to do them again. He tells me I am horrible and don't care about him. His breath is so bad some days I can't bear to have him close to me. Even the dentist chewing him out doesn't work.
His only concern seems to be his X Box, which I have removed from his room many times.
He lies over the smallest of things - Where have you been (around), have you changed your underwear and socks (yes), do you have homework (no)
Last night after spending all day running round after my DD 1yr DSS 8yr DH and DS, I finally sat down to read the paper at 7.30pm. I casually asked DS are you sure you don't have homework, only to be told that he actually had 4 different pieces to hand in on Monday. Asked why he hadn't done them earlier I was told because it is 'boring'. Cue 9.45pm and I am still sat with him doing homework otherwise he would be sat there till about 3am messing about with his mobile.

Any way starting to rant a bit but is it an age thing? Are most 11 year old boys like this? He just doesn't seem to care about anything but bloody X Box!

slimming - they are piggin' hard work aren't they?

My ds (4) shouted at me (when he couldn't get what he wanted), "YOU'RE KILLING MY LIFE." He definitely made this up (I have never shouted this at him)...so goodness knows what will happen to him by 11 [fearful and dismayed emoticon].

Good Luck for the next 7 years meemu28. Hope they fly by!

Eleven is a vile age. I can tell you this categorically because after full time teaching I did a fairly long stint in supply and unless I was destitute I would always say no to Year 6 and Year 7. Up to year 5, they were generally sweet and lovely (or at least open to reason). Then they would hit 10 or 11 and suddenly become very hard to deal with.

My DD2 is 11, just gone into Y7. Of course, I still adore her, but gosh, she's hard work. Hormonal and stroppy one minute and crying because the most minute thing hasn't gone her way the next. Wants her hair chopped into a trendy teenage style - I've said yes, if she will show me she can actually remember to comb it. One morning it looked lovely. Then she forgot. Same as your DS, wants to be treated like an adult but struggles to take on responsibility for anything. Had to catch up with some work on Sunday - moaned, glared at me, procrastinated, stropped. Then a friend phoned up and asked her out Sunday afternoon, I said "if you get your work done" and it was all sorted in half an hour! So why the long drawn out battles?

Welcome to the world of teenagers. And I know mine are girls, but good news is, I have a 14 year old and she is much, much easier. I look back 3 years and remember that she was the one who was hard work - and it gives me faith that it isn't forever.

Sounds normal for a teenager. When they start hitting that hormonal obnoxious phase varies, but what I would say is please please keep "in touch" with him. Don't let him get away with fobbing you off about where he's been or what's going on in his life. It's a slightly dodgy age if they go hormonal/teenaged as they go to senior school, and you probably don't want him to get in over his head at 11. It sounds to me (mother of 3 teens credential) as though he may not be coping well with the change in workload and school. You may need to be gentle with him about this even when you don't feel like it. hth

Thank god I logged onto this site tonight as I feel I have been going mad with my son"s behaviour. He is 11 and just started senior
school and morphed into all the above. All the same battles you have written about and he used to be such a lovely polite boy. I don't even seem to have a name now, I keep
thinking where did I go wrong but now feel relieved that I am not the only one, though it feels like it sometimes. My husband works away all week so have to be the horror all week repeating the same old things a hundred times. I think I am going to make an
automated recording and see if that works. My
hormones are all over the place because I
had him when I was 40 and now going through
the menopause, no one tells you that your
hormones are going to collide at this point.
Hopefully I can stay sane for a few more
years and get through it. He looks lovely when he's asleep though.

Ahhhh, MN is a wonderful place

I have a 13 and an 11 year old - we seem to live in a fug of Lynx and Impulse, teethbrushing is something that they appear to have forgotten how to do, and homework is left to the absolute last minute (although, I must be fair here, DS did miss rugby practice of his own volition on Wednesday so that he could study for a french test). The word "no" appears to be an invitation for a debate, even though they know they will get nowhere with me, and I sometimes feel like I'm living on the film set of Groundhog Day - nothing ever changes. Still, only a few more years and then they're off to university - only by then the 3 year old will be coming up to the preteen stage.

Ask any teacher of teenagers about body odour in the classroom and they will blanch at the thought.

Really it's almost compulsory to smell when you're that age.

feel quite left out that mine doesn't smell

we went straight from small boy smell to lynx with no pongy stage in between

he has a shower every morning without prodding, and brushes his teeth vigourously twice a day (at least)

he is very vain - I always catch him sneaking admiring looks at himself every time he passes a mirror

however, apart from that he's bloody hard work though grrrrrr

My 16 year old son uses a can of lynx a week, but interestingly the soap in his bathroom (lucky boy!) has been in there since we moved here in Jan and hasn't moved. He has moved from musty boy smell, and now showers twice a day and changes his underwear with monotonous frequency.

My 13 year old daughter is on the cusp of the frequent shower thing - she does lots of exercise, but covers up the stinks with cheap perfume. She is beginning to shower a little more frequently withoput prompting.

Both seem to have a problem with wiping their arses properly.....

My 11yr old DD is the same

She's not too bad as she knows it's a bath or shower every night but ask her to wash her hair and it's a battle. She's got to the hair smelling like you can fry chips in it if its not washed every 2 -3 days but is so lazy she can't be bothered. long hair is a PITA! I keep threatening to get it shorn.

And as for the weeping........ it's a constant debriefing session after school!

he just SHOUTS at me the whole time, is incredibly selfish and can only see his point of view, nor cares for the feelings of other........

his life is terrible, i sent him to the wrong school, and everyone hates him.

he does , however, wash, and uses lynx,.........

he is 14.
x-box control is all we have at the moment....

i would be really worried, but his elder brothers went though the same thing at this age...........they are now nearly 19 and 17.
the 17 yr old now is such a sweetie and he pops in to the kichen when i cooking, and gives me a hug. now, that may be cupboard love , as he is always hungry, as he is still growing at 6ft 6 inches. but i dont care, he says he loves me, and i believe him.

i to make matters worse, younger sibling will be starting all this, when he finally reverts back to human form...

my nearly 18 year old ds is never out the bathroom ..and he nicks my straighteners to do his hair so your problems just change really

It is normal for an eldest child to have the lion's share of attention as he is growing up and normal for a new born baby to need to take almost all of that attention away. Add into the mix the baby is that of his mother and not his father. By doing things that cause you to show him attention, negative or positive, he gets that attention back.

I would think in this normal situation you need to give him attention for anything you can find he does well (anything will do)and minimise the fuss you make over the other things that are expected. Keep to the routine of expecting them to happen but just don't elevate the drama of it.
I can see why it would be tempting to send him to his dad, but I think that it could cause him huge hurt, it would be sending him away because he hasn't come up to scratch, how would your relationship ever recover?
I'd say flood him with love. I'm sure he isn't being difficult deliberately but I bet he loves the time he gets with you when he hasn't done his homework.
All the posts about how this is all normal, I'm afraid, don't chime with me. Maybe that's normality for lots of people but not me. My 14 and 12 year old have always been fanatically hygienic but I am not claiming credit as they are way ahead of me there. I think you know it isn't just about changing hormones.
Oh, and get backup from his dad and your partner in case yu hadn't already.

Altogether now 'You Are Not Alone'.

DD1 is 12 and is now showering/washing hair every other day as opposed to once a fortnight. She brushes her teeth most days and smells a bit better than she used to. 2 years ago she was a beautiful child, now she is a spotty, greasy, physically awkward almost teen. Luckily, she is only given to periodic bouts of strop but I know that is to come.

I will be repeating this on a tedious cycle as have Dd2 aged almost 6 and DD3 aged 1. I think I may have a clue how to deal with it all in 10 years.

I have 4 boys , all under 8, so I shudder to think what I've got ahead of me.
This is the 2nd thread I've had alcohol on this morning....

PacificDogwood - you've met my son. You'd never have known that he could have these meltdowns at home.

Most of the time he is lovely - and to the outside world he is lovely - but just every so often it is like he is possessed by a gremlin.

And shorlty afterwards he's back to giving us big hugs, telling us he loves us and going to bed with all of his gang of teddies.

Prettybird - Snap, I am forever being told by people who see him out and about in the village how polite and well behaved he is
so where is that 'polite and well behaved' child at home and his last school?

Ginagee I was 40 when I had my DS4!!

I looked through his homework diary last night and he has written in it (on the notes page) When I am 16 my Dad will 60 euggggggh I was relieved that I didn't get a mention!

As hard as this may be to actually hear, its a little known fact that children who do not go to school, ie those home schooled, turn out to be teenagers who have warm and wholesome relationships with their parents. My cousin homeschooled her two boys and they're two of the most likeable, genuine boys I've met, they're now in their twenties.

I don't have children but my DH is a teacher (11-18 year olds) and according to him this happens a lot at 11 because the children make the transition to secondary school where they are expected to do a hell of a lot for themselves and to behave much more like adults. Lots of them get themselves to school, then they have to get themselves to all their different lessons and write all their homework down, and there are 16 or 18 year olds at school with them which obviously has a big impact. They also have to make new friends and learn a whole new set of rules, social and otherwise. But at home nothing has changed and their parents (obviously) still see them as the children they were (and in many respects still are) a few weeks before. So they often start rebelling at home because they begin to feel autonomous and to resent parental influence and support. Maybe that's a bit of the reason your son is shouting at you and refusing to wash etc - he doesn't want you telling him what to do. Not that you shouldn't tell him what to do anyway, but it's like the toddler stage all over again. He's trying to show you he can do it on his own. Maybe showing him you know he's older now and is capable of making more decisions for himself might help? (even if that means you have to ignore the pong for a while!)

Anyway, I'm speaking from the height of naivete here - as I said, I don't have children yet!

Alfiepops, really? That's amazing - what are your sources though for what is quite a sweeping statement?

TBH, if I were homeschooling my lot, there would have been bloodshed by now ....

"I am forever being told by people who see him out and about in the village how polite and well behaved he is"

Yes we have this too, it's the "Yes Mrs Patterson" syndrome, I believe.

Thats really interesting takethat - My DS4 has really struggled settling into High School - it has 2,200 pupils, many of which can't be arsed bothered with lessons, teachers etc.

He has been verbally bullied to the extreme. He is the youngest in his year and, in his own words, 'Geeky', he does very well academically but has only just 'socially' settled into his school.

He is, however, still treated as our baby at home

Hey shabba yes it sort of made sense to me too because I distinctly remember feeling like I had one life at school where I was treated one way and a life at home where I was treated another. Sad loser that I was I brought home a science textbook that had the stages of life in it and adolescence was classified as 11-18. I highlighted this and 'accidentally' left the book open on the relevant page on the counter, hoping my mum would take the hint. She just tidied it away

Obviously I still totally needed my mum to do practically everything for me at that stage. I just wanted to feel a bit more grown-up I suppose.

As I said though, I was a freakish child