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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Have found a completely naked picture of DS1s GF on his phone. What now?

181 replies

Goober · 31/08/2010 14:10

She is proper starkers!
Have quizzed him as to whether or not they have had sex, he says no.
Have confescated phone and laptop.
Spoke to him at length about how wrong it is.
Told GFs mum.
Now what.

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 01/09/2010 15:11

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semicolon · 01/09/2010 15:19

Goober - you have been extremely responsible.

A policewoman friend recently had to go to a v. posh house and tell the parents that their 15 year-old had been exposing herself and sending explicit text messages to a 43 year old man.

He had been talking online to a number of children - some much younger. Police had to check he hadn't actually had sex with her.

The parents were utterly shocked, devastated. This wasn't a vulnerable child, She was perfectly normal, good school, respectable professional parents.

They had no idea what she was doing.

You obviously have a great relationship with your son and I think you have been utterly responsible and loving.

Don't leave mumsnet over this.

GypsyMoth · 01/09/2010 15:20

well sorry, but i have teens myself and could never humiliate them this way!!!

there ae ways to addess this without dragging them round for 'tea'.....polonging thei agony!

this may be first sexual experience/experimentation......you're leaving them with the attitude that they are dirty! this will stay with them through their
adult lives

well its done now

and a difference of opinion isnt nasty

BitOfFun · 01/09/2010 15:22

It's not about sexual experimentation, dragonfly- it's about safety and respect. Goober has been entirely sensible in my view.

And don't leave, Goober!

GypsyMoth · 01/09/2010 15:24

they know all about safety and espect....its drummed into them at school. as are safe sex guidelines etc etc,which their parents will (presumably) already have discussed at an earlier age

you can load them up with all the info you like.....they know it.....but its not always acted on

semicolon · 01/09/2010 15:28

SO just let 'em get on with it?

Let your teen send naked pics of herself to boys?

Let your son distribute those pix?

Not talk to them about contraception?
ARE YOU JOKING?

BitOfFun · 01/09/2010 15:32

Yeah, you don't want to knock their self-esteem, do you? Hmm

Blimey.

themildmanneredjanitor · 01/09/2010 15:38

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iusedtobeasize8 · 01/09/2010 15:43

Goober - I can understand why you did what you did....though I wouldn't have done this myself, I feel really sorry for his girlfriend.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 01/09/2010 15:45

Goober I don't think anyone has been particularly nasty - certainly not as nasty as MN can get.

But people (including you, naturally) feel very strongly about teens and sexuality.

No point in crying over it - seriously!

I know this isn't AIBU (thank goodness) but one of the best elements of all areas of MN is that people will state their opinions - strongly if they feel the need. Far better imo to hear strongly worded opposing views than to receive a bunch of platitudes.

Wipe those tears away. Please :)

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 01/09/2010 15:45

Jaysus.

Goober, your update tells me everything I need to know. Your DS is more than willing to attend the chat you and his gf's mum have arranged. He is not scarred for life and seems genuinely remorseful? Am I right?

It sounds like, no matter what the method, you have actually opened up a new line of communication between you and your DS. Make sure you keep that open and end this on a positive note.

What she and he have done is stupid. It could have had long-standing consequences for her (internet, friends, future career). They clearly both need to face up to that.

Sex is a different issue, and I would be focusing on keeping communication open and making contraception available. That doesn't mean you're condoning anything, it just means you are making sure were something to happen (and it may have already) precautions would be taken.

I'm shocked by dragonfly actually.

Don't leave goober. It's an emotive subject.

Tortington · 01/09/2010 15:51

if my daughter did something so fucking stupid - like pose nekkid i would want to know so i could put some sense into her.

its not 1980 now y'know, its not a poleroid under the pillow

its on a mobile phone - one button and its on the WWW.

so you want your daughter on the WWW aged 15 starkers.

goober you did exactly the right thing

fwiw, i don't think there bave thus far been nasty answers.

i'd just take his phone

Dinghy · 01/09/2010 15:56

Goober you've handled the situation with your ds brilliantly. I'm shocked at all the 'you've humiliated him/not respected his privacy/it's perfectly OK for 15 year olds to have pictures of naked g/bf's on their phone and it's fine for teenagers to pose naked for their girl/boyfriends' posts.

I really hope Goober doesn't leave. Sad

Her last post was saying quite clearly that her ds is being mature about this. He and his gf have made a mistake and need a few things pointing out to them that they might not be entirely aware of because they are teenagers, and not adults.

Basically, I think what Crunch said.

And ultimately, only Goober knows her own ds, so none of us can really say how he will feel, or if her course of action has been right for her family. Only she can do that - hence some of the nasty posts are way OTT imo.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 01/09/2010 15:56

It is all so scary, the way teens' misadventures are recordable for posterity.

I utterly agree with custardo - it isn't 1980.

Although I tend to lean towards the liberal side (as someone who lost her virginity - happily so - at 15, I'm not easily shockable) I think it would be naive in the extreme not to address this.

Bloody hell, thinking about it I was 14.

LilRedWG · 01/09/2010 16:00

Goober - do not leave MN over this!

You are correct in getting everyone together to talk. From what you've said, they are not getting a bollocking, just a reminder of how dangerous this could be if the wrong person had picked up DS's phone - and about responsibility, trust and self-respect.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 01/09/2010 16:02

Crikey, I've just remembered - there are photos of me posing provocatively (although not naked - I had to take them to Boots to get them developed!) that I took for my BF when I was about 16. I still have them all for some reason - I think he gave them back when we split up. I don't want to destroy them because they're quite funny. I probably thought they were erotic, but I just look daft (albeit young, slim and pretty).

Thie difference is of course that they were never, ever in a form that could have been rapidly distributed around school (or the www for that matter).

Dinghy · 01/09/2010 16:03

WHAT

It isn't 1980? Fark me, better get a haircut and some new clo......wait. Nope. No new clothes needed, fashion doesn't seem to have changed.

On a serious note, I think it's only as you get to be an old fart like me that you realise exactly how young and vulnerable teenagers are. And I'm not one to be horrified at 15 year olds having sex either. Well, I'd be horrified if it was with 30 year olds but ykwim.

MollysChambers · 01/09/2010 16:07

Goober - Just read your update. I think you've handled this situation brilliantly. You were absolutely right to discuss this with the GF's mum. It is way, way too big a deal not too. It sounds like the outcome of that discussion (bar a few red faces) has been very positive. Well done.

grapeandlemon · 01/09/2010 16:10

I think you have handled this brilliantly. If you were my dd bf mother I would be thrilled actually. They were v stupid but they will learn from it by how you handled it, well done.

KerryMumbles · 01/09/2010 16:21

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semicolon · 01/09/2010 16:24

I also think you have handled it brilliantly.

So what if he's embarrassed? Dad at 15 or expelled from school is far worse

KerryMumbles · 01/09/2010 16:24

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nottirednow · 01/09/2010 16:35

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semicolon · 01/09/2010 16:36

Yes and part of that preparing is to step up and be a parent sometimes even if they don't like it and it spoils their sex lives.

AbsofCroissant · 01/09/2010 16:45

Goober, for what it's worth, I agree with what you've done.

There are a number of issues - the first is the legal one. This is child porn because the intent is sexual (which is what distinguishes it from say, photos of kiddies in the bath. You do not take that kind of picture with a sexual intent, and the kiddies in the bath don't have sexual intent). that's why there's the distinction between pictures of knickers and pictures of bikini bottoms - knickers are generally not worn in display in public, whereas bikini bottoms are. She distributed it, and he's in possession of it, though it is highly unlikely that either would be prosecuted (though there have been a number of cases in the US were teenagers were).
The second is respect for women/her - it's a bit dim/disrespectful on his part to have this as a screensaver on his phone. Fine (possibly) have it saved somewhere in a folder if he has to, but to have it as a screensaver it could be seen by all and sundry.

TBH, I think going to the girl's mother and discussing it with him, you've hopefully frightened them out of doing something too stupid. And I don't think this is going to result in either of them ending up as permanently mentally damaged (whereas the images ending up on the internet/falling into the wrong hands might).