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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Have found a completely naked picture of DS1s GF on his phone. What now?

181 replies

Goober · 31/08/2010 14:10

She is proper starkers!
Have quizzed him as to whether or not they have had sex, he says no.
Have confescated phone and laptop.
Spoke to him at length about how wrong it is.
Told GFs mum.
Now what.

OP posts:
MollysChambers · 31/08/2010 14:48

Thisisyesterday - Okay. I shall rephrase. She is underage. To be in possession of sexually explicit nude photos of her would be regarded as a criminal offence.

There is a world of difference between this and having photos of your kids in the bath.

I'm not saying I consider these kids to have done anything particularly wrong - I actually don't - but the consequences of these photos being seen by others is awful. That is what worries me.

GooseyLoosey · 31/08/2010 14:48

I think you have done enough and I would leave it at that.

Bacofoil · 31/08/2010 14:53

Whether or not it's child porn is decided on the nature of the photo, surely? Quite obviously a pic of a naked 8 year old grinning in the bath is not child porn. A 15 yo girl posing for her boyfriend is sexually explicit.

If the OP has come across the pic, who else has?

And how many of us here would be perfectly OK with our just 15 yo dds sending naked photos to their boyfriend, no matter what age he is?

BitOfFun · 31/08/2010 14:54

I'd have hit the roof too if I was her mother. Apart from anything else, it is just so stupid, and demonstrates a complete lack of awareness of internet safety etc.

Same goes for your son, Goober. In your shoes I would be drilling him in internet safety, appropriate use, respect for other people's privacy and probably confiscating the phone for a while.

noddyholder · 31/08/2010 14:55

Unfortunately those saying it is child porn are from a legal pov correct.Something similar happened with a friends dd she took photo in risque outfit kind of burlesque as part of a school play costume and it got into circulation ald all hell broke loose.Poor things its hard enough being a teenager but warn them of the seriousness!

usualsuspect · 31/08/2010 14:56

I wouldn't be ok with it...I would tell her she was bloody stupid for loads of reasons already pointed out on here ..but I wouldn't punish her

Bacofoil · 31/08/2010 14:57

I think you've been v responsible about this Goober and if I were the girl's mum I'd be glad to know you felt that way.

I think it's unrealistic to expect all teenagers to wait until the second they turn 16 before they have any sexual contact beyond kissing. I think if your ds and his gf aren't having sex yet they will be v soon. And two 15 year olds having sex doesn't worry me in the same way as a 15 year old & a 25 year old, or 2 thirteen year olds. But this is a good time to have a conversation about sexual responsibility.

skidoodly · 31/08/2010 14:57

The fact that he put this photo as his screensaver is really mind boggling. What on earth was he thinking?

How would he feel if she had a naked photo of him on her phone for all the world to see?

They really are idiots, the pair of them.

MrsWeasley · 31/08/2010 15:04

Blardy cross now, typed a reply and PC lost it!!!!

Anyway I think this type of thing is more common than you may think. The online age makes you do things you wouldn't be brave enough to do face to face.

I know of 1 girl who took photos of parts of her body and posted it to a friend (not even a BF!)
I know of 2 girls who after having a drink exposed themselves on a webcam. (the drinking was done under adult supervision at a family event. They were not drink, just a celebratory class of champers!). These are lovely girls from nice families!

I think punishing them might make them more reluctant to speak to you about things for fear of you over reacting. I can however understand your reaction because I bet it was a shock.

Can you sit down and have a calm chat to your DS and explain that you reacted the way you did because you were shocked, dissappointed and "it wasn't like this in my day" type of thing?

Good luck with this one Goober.

semicolon · 31/08/2010 15:06

You need to talk very seriously to him about this.

This girl is underage and if he sent that photo to someone else he could be prosecuted for distributing indecent images of children.

I know it is far fetched but this is the sort of territory he is in. It IS serious.

The girl needs to know that when pictures like this are circulated they can NEVER be erased. They have a digital imprint which goes on and on.

i know what your son is doing is not cyber bullying as such but this website has some advice on how to approach this kind of thing

respect me

mittz · 31/08/2010 15:27

I think this has been done with a measure of naivity by the two and yes, he might be a numpty to have it as his screen saver, but I guess he was probably chuffed to bits.

Maybe he suggested it , my DS of 12 has been pressured to have sex, they are curious and mostly not acting in a harmful manner.

It is our job to then put their behaviour into context so that it doesn't backfire and they learn the boundaries. So whilst in the eyes of the law it might be 'pornography' it wasn't taken with malicious intent so the youngsters need to maybe have a bit of a shake up without being made to feel guilty or ashamed.
He is being made to sound as if he might be guilty of 'distributing indecent images but she sent it. If a man sent a naked image of himself to a woman he would be villified so the girls role in this shouldn't be underplayed.

I don't think anything will come out of making Goobers son into some kind of bad guy here. Does she have one of him?

MollysChambers · 31/08/2010 15:31

I don't think either of them are bad guys. But they both need a reality check re consequences of their actions. Which I think they've had.

semicolon · 31/08/2010 15:31

Ach I don't think, in this instance, there is any malicious intent either.

But the point must be made. These things have a habit of being repeated and it may be that if he breaks up with her or a friend sends him an image of his girlfriend, he may be tempted to do the same.

he needs to know that this is serious in the eyes of the law.

Also I would not confiscate phones, laptops etc. You have to keep the channels of communication open so that if something more serious happens he won't be afraid to tell you about it.

BitOfFun · 31/08/2010 15:34

Are you suggesting that he will need to email his mother about it all then, semicolon? Grin

Bollocks to that. Phone and laptop off-limits for a while.

I did this with my dd recently for a different but phone-related issue. She actually read two books- I was amazed. Did her the power of good, and she has been positively angelic all holiday because she knows I mean business.

usualsuspect · 31/08/2010 15:38

I think taking phones and laptops just makes them more secretive and resentful ..there comes a time when you have to stop punishing and talk imo

BitOfFun · 31/08/2010 15:41

You can talk as well, obviously. But I am a big talker, and the thing that made the difference was actually removing something she liked (and had abused), and making it very clear why.

If you want to see a secretive teenager, they are much worse with their phones than without. There is no end to the under-the-duvet texting and arranging of assignations.

usualsuspect · 31/08/2010 15:50

We managed to be secretive without phones back in the olden days Grin

BitOfFun · 31/08/2010 15:51

True Grin

Snuppeline · 31/08/2010 15:52

I think the OP is a fantastic mother to her son and if my daughter has a bf I would like his mother to be like the OP! You are clearly trying to instill in your son respect towards women.

Now that you have showed him your outrage appraoch him again more calmly and talk about the points made here, like internet safety, stupidity/lack of respect of having the image as a screen saver, ask him who else has seen it, has he sent it to someone etc. Then ask him to approach the girls mother and apologise to her. Don't push the two out into the cold completely.

If they are in a longterm relationship and at 15 start to explore their sexuality then that is hard to stop and may not be a bad thing either for both of their natual and healthy sexual development. However, do make sure that both of them understand to respect the others boundaries. I would also try to speak to the girl next time I had the chance to discuss some of the same issues.

Drop the anger and punishment stuff for now though just try to reason with the pair of them. Your clearly a great mum though your ds wont thank you for it for a few years yet!

BitOfFun · 31/08/2010 15:53

Just imagine- passing notes in school and finding excuses to go to the shop for your mum so you can find a working phonebox. How very retro...

TitsalinaBumSquash · 31/08/2010 15:56

Your over reacting, i did a lot worse at that age and i turned out fine.

Punishing and making making a big deal out of it is only going to make him think that nudity and sex is wrong.

I would have just quietly had a word with him about what could happen if the phone got stolen or lost and also asked him to keep such pictures more discretely if it was on show as a screen saver so other people don't have to view it.

WkdSM · 31/08/2010 16:03

We had a similar situation with my SS - except the photo was much worse and we could never actually trace where it came from - SS said someone he had never met bluetoothed it to him. Hmm.... sounds a bit like I met a man in a pub and he gave me this bag of jewellery but I have no idea who he is officer!

What we were told was that if the participants in the photo appear to be underage you are guilt of possessing child pornography. If you send it to anyone else, you are guilty of distributing pornographic images and you can be put on the sex offenders register.

I'm not sure if this is an urban myth or not but I read that a girl sent a boy her naked photo, they then split up and in revenge he sent it to a couple of friends who sent it on to others. They were all prosecuted and placed on the sex offenders register.

As with quite a few things, this seems to be a bit 'well, it's only a picture what harm can it do' and none of them stops to actually think of the harm it can do. I can see why some people think this is a storm in a tea cup but it could have serious repercussions.

ruddynorah · 31/08/2010 16:10

I have asked dh about this. He is in the police, works on this sort of thing. He says his force wouldn't prosecute either party but would maybe check if she's been coerced into taking the photo. Technically she is distributing child porn. And he is possessing it.

He also said that although the act states underage as 16,a minor is under 18 and they do prosecute if age of child is 16 or 17. So she should be careful of doing these photos even for the next 2yrs, from a legal point of view.

skidoodly · 31/08/2010 16:46

Really not feeling sorry for the boys who distributed naked pictures of a girl out of spite and ended up on the sex offenders registers. Little bollockses, proper place for them.

MollysChambers · 31/08/2010 16:57

Skidoodly - would tend to agree. Vile thing to do. Think I might be biased by having dd's and not ds's though.

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