Have found a completely naked picture of DS1s GF on his phone. What now?

[Goober]

She is proper starkers!
Have quizzed him as to whether or not they have had sex, he says no.
Have confescated phone and laptop.
Spoke to him at length about how wrong it is.
Told GFs mum.
Now what.

I think at 15 you have to accept that they either are or soon will be having asexual relationship and that these sort of pictures are part of the process of growing up. I'm just relieved that camera-phones weren't around when I was 15 as I may have had a lot of explaining to do .

I attended a lecture by a psychologist who is researching cyber - bullying and it's effects. Am not suggesting ops' son is bullying but some of the points are relevant.

He said this generation of teens are using tech their parents have a limited understanding of.

That when videos of bullying are posted on the internet, the victim returns to it again and again. Children find it very hard to emotionally process this.

That many teens depend on tech for a social life and their biggest fear is that if they tell parents some guy was asking them to expose themselves on webcam or whatever, they will take computer away.

People also need to be made aware that images can and are stored almost indefinitely and once in the public domain can be downloaded for ever by anyone, the picture has a life of its own.

Things like this could come back to haunt you years after the event. Yes, I'm sure most people here have done improper and silly things sexually but we didn't send it to someone and put it on a public facing server where it will be stored...I know the silly things I've done and thank God they are all under the carpet and can't be exhumed to haunt me in my "respectable" middle aged life and job.

But pictures like this can come back and mess things up.

My DH for instance checks out facebook before he interviews someone....dodgy stuff on FB, no interview. People do need to be aware how their moments of silliness can end up immortalised and can never be left behind!

We do have a data protection act and we have child protection act, and this is why!

I dont think its ok. However its not perverted and they are both 15 and are going out.

I would not like it at all if it were my DD or DS involved though.

The most disturbing bit is this girl allowing her photograph to be on anyone's phone. I am sure your DS is very nice but this sort of picture can be whizzed round to the whole school in a few seconds.

It could ruin the rest of her childhood and beyond.

OP I am sorry but I do think you have overreacted a bit. I understand why you feel the way you do but sex isnt dirty or shameful. Your reaction is likely to make them feel it is (or that you think it is) and your DS will not want to discuss anything related for fear of what you will do.

I do sympathise with you and hope you get this sorted out. Try and keep it in perspective though.

I have dd nearly 15 (in less than a month!!) and tbh wouldn't like to think she was sexually active yet, however would be prepared to discuss it openly with her (and she's a sensible girl so I do trust her) However, if I found out she'd done something like this I would hit the roof! The consequences could be appalling if the boy decided to distribute and that's the message I would give. Don't send this stuff out unless you are happy for one of his mates to send it to every one on his address book when they borrow his phone (and they will)
WRT boy, tbh would also be suggesting she serious considers whether she wants to continue seeing someone who uses this as a screensaver

I totally agree with OPs concerns
Similiar thing happened at DD2's school.

A 15 year old girl sent several naked photos to someone she wanted to impress. A month later they had a huge falling out and he sent her photo to several other boys. By the next day half the boys at school had them on their phones.

All pupils were told at assembly that by law they were in possesion of child porn. Every one was told to delete the photos there and then, and were warned that anyone found with these photos would be reported to the police.

The poor girl!! Although her name was never mentioned by the teachers, everyone obviously knew who she was.

When I talked about this whole thing with 2 DDs BOTH said they had friends who had done the same thing. BOTH said boys aged 14-16 had asked them to send naked photos .

We need to talk to our teenagers about this. I think its totally unacceptable behaviour. Even if boyfriend/girlfriend, they just dont know each other well enough to know where these photos will eventually end up.

I would be horrified if it was my son and his girlfriend tbh; and also very concerned if it was my daughter sending the photos - it shows a complete lack of judgement in my opinion. As for having it as a screen saver then yes, I think he should be made aware this it is wrong and totally disrespectful, every time his phone rings or he gets a message his screen saver will pop up for all to see. There is a very very fine line between what teens see as acceptable bf/gf behaviour and what they see as skanky and slutty - life can be tough for teens without making it worse for yourself with some badly judged behaviour. A girl at my kids school did something similar about two years ago and she is STILL 'the girl who sent the naked pictures' . . .

I think it is really wierd that the belly button peircing thread got a lot of oh my god no it's so skanky type comments, and this one is all let them get on with it . . Is it just me who finds that odd ?

Goober - well done for tackling this as it's a biggie. Don't know what I would do in your shoes as my DS is only 7.

Firstly yoiur DS and his GF are NORMAL - they are making discoveries about themselves and their sexuality. You are right in being shocked about this though and a chat needs to be had with both about the implications of sending and receiving photos. From your son's point of view if it gets passed round then the consequences could be above his his head. I am not talking about child porn - more the school getting involved and involving police for passing round indecent images etc. You have prevented all that.

From the girls point of view I speak as the aunt of a 15 year old niece and my sister would be mortified if that was her DD. Likewise she would be wanting to chat about the implications of the photo being passed round and the teasing and/or bullying she might face as a result. Not to mention the sheer horror of it possibly getting into the wrong hands.

They are normal though honestly - just misguide and immature. They've made a stupid mistake but you've stopped any further problems by tackling it. Just make sure they understand why you took those actions and then forget it until your DS is in his 40s and you and your OH can look back and laugh and say "do you remember when...." and "OMG he nearly sent me grey".

FranSanDisco I really like your positive spin on this - I think it's brilliant that the GF is confident and seems not to have body image issues.

But yes, she (and he) really, really needs to understand that this photo could very easily fall into the wrong hands.

I wouldn't punish - unless it transpired that the BF had used some kind of coercion, in which case I'd be fucking livid.

BarefootShirl good lord, me too

What's that email guidance about content and who might see it? It seems apt.

(goes and Googles)

Here it is:

"Emails should be treated like a postcard in terms of security. Always imagine that your email could end up being read by someone you didn?t intend to read it."

If it could possibly compromise you, think very, very carefully. I think we could all (particularly the GF) take heed of this.

I would want to know if that was my dd and I think you have done the right thing Goober by telling the other Mother.

It is an utterly stupid thing for the GF to have done and her parents need to have the opportunity to tackle it with her.

It is not the same as her just being in the nip in front of her BF, or the same as them having sex, as if it does get on the internet it's there forever. So in five years time when someone Googles her for a job interview, there she will be.

I do see where you're coming from, Kerry and am inclined-ish to agree, but if (as it appears) the photo was being used as a screensaver, then it was only a matter of time before someone else saw/stole/distributed it. In which case the GF's mother would have found out anyway - perhaps being called into the head's office.

I wouldn't mind about the sex beyond making sure they have contraception and use it.

But the naked photos would worry me alot.

And I think Goober has every right to look at his phone. He is a child and I presume she pays for the phone/internet connection. She is being responsible.

Bloody hell laydees!! What a difference of opinions.

I have deleted the pictures.
And told DS that I have deleted them.
I explained about the legal problems and how embarrassing this could all be for GF.
I have spoken at length with the girl's mum and we decided that we need to talk to both 'kids' re contraception/responsability/love/respect and all other concerns we both have with this incident and some other concerns. So tonight I am taking DS to their house to have a chat about stuff. It is not a matter of me physically dragging him by the earlobe to do something he doesn't want to do, he is up for it and open minded, he knows that they have crossed a line this time.
I gave him his phone back with the condition that he doesn't do this again.

Several people have mentioned the lack of trust issue. How about the lack of trust on MY part? He has done a bad thing, which I never thought he would ever do.

Well done you. But I would be tempted to do a leetle bit of earlobe dragging. Or perhaps pinch the hair at his temples?

I have just re-read the thread.

I don't regret my actions, I would do it again.

Some of you lot have been so nasty towards me over this. It hurts a lot. Others , more supportive, thanks to those of you, but in the end the negative comments stick more.

I am no newbie. Some of you know me.

It is with regret, as I sit here in tears, that Mumsnet and I are finished. I am leaving now.