Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Addiction support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

I have made a huge error

31 replies

LovelyLisa2 · 21/07/2024 17:04

I told my partner's daughter that her dad was a cocaine addict. It turns out she already knew...

I was hoping this make him get help but now he is absolutely fuming with me for contacting her. I didn't do it out of mallis but I feel this was a huge error of judgement.

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 21/07/2024 17:06

he made the “huge error”

by becoming addicted to cocaine

courgettes4eva · 21/07/2024 17:08

how old is she?

Original poster
LovelyLisa2 · 21/07/2024 17:14

She is 17 in September,

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 21/07/2024 17:16

LovelyLisa2 · 21/07/2024 17:14

She is 17 in September,

you took a real risk telling a 16 year old this about her father

but ultimately the blame lies squarely with him

how often do you see her and how close are you?

courgettes4eva · 21/07/2024 17:16

what about your own children living in this environment?

Babadook76 · 21/07/2024 17:18

What did you imagine would happen after you told her?

Original poster
LovelyLisa2 · 21/07/2024 17:20

I don't live with him so my children aren't affected. I don't see her that often and neither does he. I feel it wasn't my place now.

OP posts:
Appledoughnut · 21/07/2024 17:20

Your huge error is in staying with him.

Original poster
LovelyLisa2 · 21/07/2024 17:21

I guess I thought he might get help for her.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/07/2024 17:23

Your mistake was getting involved in an addict. You can’t make him get clean. Dump and move on.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 21/07/2024 17:24

I wouldn't have taken that risk given she's only 16 and the impact it would've had on her had she not known. However she seems to know anyway so I'm not sure what his issue is, other than the cocaine obviously.

I feel sorry for his daughter, 16 doesn't see dad much, aware he's a cocaine addict, his partner contacting her out of desperation to leverage her as emotional weaponry to get him to seek help. When clearly she isn't enough for him to address his issues. This will have just reinforced that.

STFUDonkey · 21/07/2024 17:25

The mistake is him for being an addict.

And yours for staying with him.

Leave him, he'll ruin your life.

BobbyBiscuits · 21/07/2024 17:25

She already knew. You've done it out of desperation. If he twists it round into being your fault it's just bc he doesn't want or isn't able to stop using yet. It needs to be him that seeks help for it. You can't force him to get clean, or stay clean. But I wouldn't burden his daughter any more than strictly necessary as she's still very young. It must be hard for you and her.

Original poster
LovelyLisa2 · 21/07/2024 17:30

I won't contact her again and I have probably ruined our relationship because he was actually great. He takes it for anxiety not that that is an excuse.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 21/07/2024 17:43

@LovelyLisa2 cocaine doesn't help anxiety. It causes it. It's not physically addictive so if he's determined he won't go through pain coming off it. You've done nothing wrong.

alwaysmovingforwards · 21/07/2024 17:47

LovelyLisa2 · 21/07/2024 17:30

I won't contact her again and I have probably ruined our relationship because he was actually great. He takes it for anxiety not that that is an excuse.

He does indeed sound like the catch of the day…

FFS, do better.

suburberphobe · 21/07/2024 17:50

Leave him, he'll ruin your life.

This. ^^

RomanticOutlaws · 21/07/2024 17:51

Cocaine isn't a cure for anxiety, and how dare you contact his daughter to tell her anything about her Dad? You were using her as a tool to elicit change in your partner. He's a scumbag and you're an idiot, frankly.

NewMe2024 · 21/07/2024 17:51

LovelyLisa2 · 21/07/2024 17:30

I won't contact her again and I have probably ruined our relationship because he was actually great. He takes it for anxiety not that that is an excuse.

He doesn’t take it for anxiety, that’s not a thing.

how long have you been with him? I feel
like this is early days into a relationship with an addict and you have yet to realise the extent of it.

I don’t think it was ok to tell his daughter, btw, because she is only 16 and shouldn’t be made to parent him. However, it sounds like the damage was already done if it wasn’t new information to her.

Appledoughnut · 21/07/2024 17:54

What were you even expecting a sixteen year old to do?

suburberphobe · 21/07/2024 17:57

He takes it for anxiety

I've heard it all now.

Do you really want to be with a man who supports world-wide criminality...?

Or the police bursting into his house while you are there? If so, more fool you.

fortheveryfirsttime · 21/07/2024 17:58

You contacted a child to shit stir about her dad? Wow, really really uncalled for. How dare you get her involved, it's an awful thing to do.

Tangelablue · 21/07/2024 18:02

Taking a stimulant drug for anxiety is bizarre. You must have been desperate to speak to his daughter but for your own sake it's probably best to walk away. You can't help him, it's up to him to get support if he wants to stop and it's not easy. People attend cocaine anonymous for years to stay off it.

Wolfiefan · 21/07/2024 18:17

Does he bollocks take it for anxiety. He takes it as he’s an addict.

Beth216 · 21/07/2024 18:41

What an incredibly selfish thing to do. You told her in the hope that he'd get better for your benefit.
Cocaine causes anxiety fgs - do you just believe everything he tells you?
You need to grow up, dump this loser addict who is definitely not 'great' and start concentrating on your own poor kids. Get some self esteem and some standards so your kids grow up to know better.