I’m almost 40 and I’ve f***ed up

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Name changed for this. Sorry it’s long.

I know I’ve been naive and stupid, but I honestly didn’t worry about the future until fairly recently. Now I think I’ve really fucked up.

TLDR we rent, don’t know how we will get a mortgage, are on just above NNW and make minimum pension contributions.

In all honesty our pensions will probably have just about enough to buy a cruise and throw ourselves overboard on the last night. I’m only half joking, I don’t want to live to a long age. I can’t see how we will cope if we have to retire???

My credit rating is shot to bits through poor judgment and spending beyond my means, my (and DH’s) career is stagnant, I have no savings as we spent £30K on our wedding and honeymoon and have spent all small inheritances on going on holidays . I know this makes me sound like such an idiot.

Growing up, my parents had a long and happy marriage and lived in a house worth (now) around £800,000. Stupidly stupidly stupidly (as they always said that me and my 2 brothers would inherit the house) I just assumed I didn’t need to worry about a mortgage as I could just buy outright in my old age in a cheaper area, or have a hefty deposit to help get a mortgage more easily if I inherited before my retirement.

However, my DM died, and my father finally remarried 2 years ago after a very short relationship of 6 months. He has already put the house in joint names (as he should, that’s his wife) and I can easily see a situation whereby he leaves everything to her and we get nothing. They haven’t made any wills. It’s not that I don’t trust my step DM, it’s the fact she has a disabled grown child who will ‘need’ more than us. In this circumstance I can see us being cut out.

She is also very funny about money. For my birthday my DH and I paid for all the alcohol which was the biggest cost. I asked if the rest of the family could split the food between them, giving them a smaller bill than me. She thought my dad should pay nothing even though he is a high earner (over 70k). He paid without any problem because it was only £80 and it was his daughters birthday, but she wasn’t happy about it at all.

Anyway, none of this would matter if I hadn’t been so silly to think that my old age would take care of itself. If my DSM cuts us out, or the money goes into a care home I feel I’m fucked.

We have joint income of about £3.2K, living expenses of £1.8K debt repayments of £600 at minimum for about £12K of cc and a loan. We are still living outside our means.

How can I pull this back!

It's "Joint tenants" versus "Tenants in common" @SoHotADragonRetired but I've completely blanked in which is which

Having everything in fully joint ownership and then writing mirror wills seems standard but I went the other way for exactly reasons like this. (Shame the terminology has gone AWIL from my brain!)

First of all take a deep breath!.Many people are in a similar situation to you .Why not make an appointment at the CAB and go through your finances ,make a budget and stick to it!.You must not chastise yourself over past spending mistakes, lots of people have done the same .Once your budget is under control. save as much as you can even a one bed flat is a foot on the housing ladder .Can you do extra jobs .ie babysitting evening work etc .set yourself a 2 or 3 year goal .Look forward and not back .You still have time on your side to change things around

Quick Google says joint tenants with survivorship means that the deceased's share of the house automatically reverts to the other joint tenant(s). However, a tenant in common's share can be left to anyone.

Thanks for the info. The latter presumably means that DH could not move to a better house in the future though which in turn would impact on the kids.

I don't think that would be an issue surely? If you died and your DH subsequently sold the house and moved your kids would get the money, or have it held in trust for them by your nominated trustee if they were minors. And if you have life insurance then he wouldn't have a shortage of funds with which to buy a new property even allowing for the funds being left in trust.

Ah yes, the life insurance policy. Good point. Thanks x

Lots of great advice on here as always.

OP - like others I would agree you need to focus on the alcohol. Hard as it will be.

I am 55 almost. Been with DH since my mid 20s. We both drink a lot. Financially we can afford it. But along with some other realisations about the relationship I have realised that it is all we do together. Our routine is to drink every evening while one of us is cooking. Then with dinner. And then one or two while watching tv. DH used to travel a lot for work and I would never drink when he wasn’t here. He also finds it easier to drink less if I am not here. As I said there are some other issue in the relationship and I want to leave in a few months. One of the pluses will be that I know I will drink much less. I know I can cut back hugely but still enjoy a drink socially if I am not with DH. I think I owe it to my health to make that a huge consideration in my decision to end my marriage. We have tried to cut down together and although I have stopped and/or cut back lots over the years at times it has been hard as he is reluctant to stop.

As I said there are other issues for us but it might be worth you thinking about the relationship with your DH objectively. Is it just drink and holidays that is the good part of the relationship?

Some have suggested I could talk to my DF about his will but what would be the point really? He already said he wants his property to be split equally between his 3 (and my DSM 1) adult children. However, as the property is in joint ownership (not tennants in common) my DSM could change her mind later, or anyway the money could easily all go in a combination of care homes and DSM downsizing after my dad passes (this has been mentioned by her). To plan my future based on inheritance would be very foolish and I don’t want to do that. I need a new, better plan.

To the PP that said SoHotADragonRetires post was rude, I absolutely disagree. She, like most people on this thread, was trying to be constructive.

What hurt was Missingstreetlife’s comment
This thread is just attention seeking wanking now. Not serving any purpose..
If you are reading this, I hope you never have a problem that you are too ashamed about to talk to people in real life.

There are attention seeking threads all over MN and this happens to be the first one I’ve started. Let’s be honest here, we all know why people read them. For a quick thrill of a glimpse into the world of the people that have really fucked up, or been really fucked up, and after you can close the window and go back to your perfect life, secure that it couldn’t happen to you.

I wasn’t going to come back on this thread after that comment but felt it would be rude to ignore the questions of the people on here that actually seem to care.

Not what you have asked but I think it is pretty shitty of your dad not to preserve your mums half of the family home for you and your siblings. I doubt that is what she would have wanted and makes me realise I need to sort my will for exactly this sort of situation.

I totally agree that you need your own plan. I wouldn't rely on inheritance either. Personally, I would speak to my DD and point out that, despite his voiced wishes, there is currently nothing to stop your DSM from disinheriting you and your siblings in favour of herself and her son as she would inherit his whole estate to do with as she pleases. If she passes away before your DD, her share would go to her own DS if the paperwork is sorted so it's in her interests as well.

I don't think it would be wrong to gently suggest to your DF that he and his DW might want to do some estate planning and make wills to make sure their stated intent is carried out and to make things easier for everyone when one of them dies. As PP say that's not a substitute for sorting out your own finances, but if both of them have made statements about what they want to happen it's sensible to encourage them to take legal steps to execute their intent.

It's not wrong to wonder or even daydream slightly about what you may inherit some day, I dare say anyone who has parents who are 'comfortable' or have property assets have had those thoughts, but it's both silly and wrong, IMO, to do nothing to help yourself or plan for the future because you are counting on an inheritance bailing you out. Remarriage or no remarriage, a parent can disinherit a DC if they choose and nursing care can easily cost in excess of £1k a week and be required for years. And I can imagine that as a parent it's not very nice to feel like your children are complacently eyeing up your assets while they indulge themselves.

And I can imagine that as a parent it's not very nice to feel like your children are complacently eyeing up your assets while they indulge themselves

^THIS^
Is why I could never speak to my DF about him making a will.

Fair enough; it's understandable. Presumably your siblings feel the same about that. In which case, write off your DF's estate as your DSM's. In the meantime:

1. seek support for your alcohol dependency
2. pay off debt ASAP with a strict budget
3. build savings
4. get a repayment mortgage to start paying off a property - look into gov schemes
5. also up your pension contributions once your debt is gone.
6. live within your means which takes into account pension contributions and overpaying on the mortgage if possible to make up for lost ground. This can take years off the term.

Good luck. You've got this! x

Here’s my plan so far...

Spoke to DH. We have both agreed to give up 2 things each (just to start with) to help have more cash to pay off our credit cards. (Apx £8K). He is going to give up cocaine (uses £50 worth once a month) and also replacing his devices/tech frequently. I am giving up delivered food and also buying drinks in trendy bars after I finish work. These 4 items cost us £thousands every year. That’s stage 1.

Stage 2, we have both agreed there will be NO holidays until our cc debt is paid off.

Stage 3, once our loan is finished (in 2 years?) as long as the cc debt is under control this should free up £600 pm without even reducing any other outgoings. This money can go towards saving for a deposit.

Stage 4, I will open a LISA, thank you so so much to the PP that said as long as it’s opened before 40 we can pay into it till 50. I had no idea about this. Also I have requested my work pension details from HR so I can increase contributions and get some of the free money from the government a PP suggested. DH said he is happy to do the same.

Stage 5, get on the ladder up north near where my brother and his family live. We are very very close to them and I hope it would give us a fresh start. DH is happy with this. He can work anywhere as there is always high demand for chefs, and said he would live anywhere if it made me happy.

In terms of the alcohol, I’m hoping that once we start to turn things around, I will begin to become happier and more focused on something other than booze. It’s all linked in together, and having some motivation for once will help me to kick the habit.

Once again, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment on my thread.

Xposted with Milkn0sugar

so, every single person thinks you should tackle the drink first. I've had plenty of problems thanks, and I know a few alcoholics. You can't get better until you face up to it and you are still in denial. Aa is a place where you can safely talk about it. The internet, not so much. Stop talking and deal with it. Today. Why wait. Well meaning strangers will carry on being sympathetic but it's only enabling you. Your plan is a pipe dream.

OP, sounds like some very constructive ideas. I wish you all the very best - you sound both determined and positive which is a great start.

So please that you both sound more positive!! And that you have a plan, but I think you should also think about going at AA as a couple. Good luck

To all those advocating AA - it only "works" if you are 100% committed. Attending meetings half heartedly, because you feel you ought to, is much less likely to have the desired effect.

To a PP who said that things are "discussed" in meetings - I'm not contradicting you but they are different meetings from the ones I've been to for 11 years. Cross sharing is something you're not supposed to do. It's the solidarity, the friendship of other people in the Fellowship, your sponsor, the programme..... that's what has kept me sober.

OP, I’m glad you’re feeling more positive.

Ignore all the people who have been judgemental.

You haven’t fucked up that badly, look at all the other threads on here with people who’ve done worse, some people would love to have a stable job and a good relationship.

Have you thought about going to Stepchange over the debt?

To all the PP’s suggesting AA, it’s not that easy, I’d never go to one as if someone I knew recognised me in there, my life would be made a misery through the stigma/ gossip. It would also affect my ability to get work if I was known as an ‘alchy’. Also, how is the OP supposed to avoid alcohol when she works as a waitress?

Nanalisa-

I find you’re post hard to believe. Why did you continue friendships with those friends if you disapproved of their choices so much?

@WitchesGlove I would never tell anyone to go to an AA meeting if they didn't want to, but ..... if you recognise someone in there (it's happened to me twice), you know that you're both in there for the same reason, so they can hardly "expose" you without exposing themselves. Plus, anonymity is the core to how we work.

Would your DH fancy your DSM , as she looks like she will inherit all?

Seriously, Im kidding, you do have some work to do as far as living within your means but so be it, at least you recognise this. I like your generosity of spirit , there is nothing f¥

Best wishes for a healthier present and future for yourself and your Dh, both drug& alcohol wise and financially.