I’m almost 40 and I’ve f***ed up

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Name changed for this. Sorry it’s long.

I know I’ve been naive and stupid, but I honestly didn’t worry about the future until fairly recently. Now I think I’ve really fucked up.

TLDR we rent, don’t know how we will get a mortgage, are on just above NNW and make minimum pension contributions.

In all honesty our pensions will probably have just about enough to buy a cruise and throw ourselves overboard on the last night. I’m only half joking, I don’t want to live to a long age. I can’t see how we will cope if we have to retire???

My credit rating is shot to bits through poor judgment and spending beyond my means, my (and DH’s) career is stagnant, I have no savings as we spent £30K on our wedding and honeymoon and have spent all small inheritances on going on holidays . I know this makes me sound like such an idiot.

Growing up, my parents had a long and happy marriage and lived in a house worth (now) around £800,000. Stupidly stupidly stupidly (as they always said that me and my 2 brothers would inherit the house) I just assumed I didn’t need to worry about a mortgage as I could just buy outright in my old age in a cheaper area, or have a hefty deposit to help get a mortgage more easily if I inherited before my retirement.

However, my DM died, and my father finally remarried 2 years ago after a very short relationship of 6 months. He has already put the house in joint names (as he should, that’s his wife) and I can easily see a situation whereby he leaves everything to her and we get nothing. They haven’t made any wills. It’s not that I don’t trust my step DM, it’s the fact she has a disabled grown child who will ‘need’ more than us. In this circumstance I can see us being cut out.

She is also very funny about money. For my birthday my DH and I paid for all the alcohol which was the biggest cost. I asked if the rest of the family could split the food between them, giving them a smaller bill than me. She thought my dad should pay nothing even though he is a high earner (over 70k). He paid without any problem because it was only £80 and it was his daughters birthday, but she wasn’t happy about it at all.

Anyway, none of this would matter if I hadn’t been so silly to think that my old age would take care of itself. If my DSM cuts us out, or the money goes into a care home I feel I’m fucked.

We have joint income of about £3.2K, living expenses of £1.8K debt repayments of £600 at minimum for about £12K of cc and a loan. We are still living outside our means.

How can I pull this back!

I wouldn’t be thinking about owning a house until the alcoholism is tackled. If you spiral and lose your jobs, you can claim for help with rent costs but not mortgage (it’s now offered in the form of a loan several months down the line).
Once that is dealt with you will find you have money to chuck at the debt and then save for a house, especially if you’re willing to move up North.
You could buy a decent house for 80k and a really nice one for 100k near me in the North East so it’s definitely doable.

Does that mean that your mum didn't leave her portion of her house to her children? We are in a similar position and we strongly believe my mum would have wanted her share of the house to go to her children, not to my dad's fancy woman who didn't contribute to it in any way. In fact it was us kids who sacrificed with a mum who was always working to pay for the house and never having proper holidays or nice clothes. But the house is in my dad's hands. I would speak to your dad about this, is this really what your mum worked for? Also OP I really suffered mentally after my mum's death so I can understand if you turned to drink after your mum died. But she'd want better for you

Do you have kids? I assume not as you haven't mentioned them. Is your DH on board with this? If not then I would strongly consider whether he's the man for you long term - if you are strong enough to change and he's going to keep drinking all your money then you may be better off alone.

The rest has already been said. Nothing frivolous for a year or two and you'll have saved a fair bit.

Do you have kids?

No thank goodness. I did want them when I was younger but I’m too lazy and selfish. I also worried if we had them my DH would put drinks and drugs before them and I couldn’t possibly bring a child into the world in that circumstance.

So he takes drugs as well? And you want him to grow up but he doesn’t want to?

You may need to ask yourself how far you are really going to be able to get a grip on your life whilst you are still with him.

I really really hope he wants to change as well but I can’t see it happening. I feel like I couldn’t divorce him either though so that leaves us at a bit of an impass.

The one thing is he does allow me to control our finances. Laughably I’m the ‘responsible’ one. I always ensure our rent and bills are paid on time. If I asked him for more to put into savings he would agree.

So your DH drinks and uses drugs? Both to the point of dependency?

Do you have both dependencies? Or just alcoholism?

I’m not dependent on drugs. I used them a lot when I was younger but now only occasionally. DH is the same.

Do you have any support for alcohol dependency ? 800 is a huge amount for fun!

Do you know how much you both spend per month on alcohol?

Why couldn't you divorce him though?

The problem is that unless both of you stop drinking completely, because alcoholics can never have just the one, then your marriage won't survive anyway. You are codependent alcoholics.

I'm guessing all the "fun" you have revolves around alcohol. From the outside looking it it seems that all the spending and holidays are you trying to appear happy and together. Stop pretending. Sort your shit out and get well mentally first.

Could you retrain and get better job? You say you're a waitress, is there no opportunity to work up to management?

I agree with others. The drinking is the thing you need to focus on here - the rest will follow if you can tackle that.

there is definitely time to turn everything around at 40 and with no commitments! You still have time to completely change things, but you will need to tackle the alcohol dependency first.

I think you might need to leave him. It doesn’t sound like he will change, he’s dragging you down.

You are codependent alcoholics

Yes, we are, but I couldn’t leave him. I do love him very much and also I believe that when you make your bed, you lie in it.

I told my therapist that we could be visiting a stately home and still find a way to get pissed.

I we really do need to sort our shit out.

I think my career could improve once the underlying issues are sorted out.

I don't have a lot of practical advice that other people haven't already shared, but I just wanted to say that I hope you can reach a place of self-compassion. Don't keep beating yourself up about it. You've been a little foolish with money - that's all. You haven't hurt anyone, haven't stolen from anyone. This works we live in values wealth accumulation so highly I think it skews our priorities a bit.

Take advantage of all the wisdom here and I'm sure you'll get back on your feet. Best of luck.

Thank you arkela

I wonder what people in countries with high levels of renting do? Do they have better pensions or more government help?

My friend joked to me that we could start flat sharing in our 70’s like people in their 20’s do!

Love isn’t enough. It really isn’t. If you stay with your DH you will drag each other down. But you know there is a problem. Use this knowledge to try and save yourself.

And just because you’ve made your bed, it really doesn’t mean that you have to lie in it. You can always make up another bed.

Good luck with your decisions. You can make the life that you deserve.

It’s not right that he’s cut his children from their inheritance. Your dm did her bit for that house and probably expected it would go to her children.

Stop drinking. No wonder your dad doesn't leave you money. You have reasonable income and piss up the wall. Well done for realising the problem.
Stop drinking. Get help. Aa are fabulous, but there is other help see your gp.
Stop drinking. Pay off your debts, credit card first, as pp said cab or stepchange will advise, may get interest frozen.
Stop drinking. Stay stopped, it's not easy but you can do it. When you are solvent look about your pension. Take responsibility.
Stay sober. Talk to your dad, there are different ways of sharing a house, and ways to protect a new spouse and all the children. He can get legal advice and make a will. He may have other money too.
Stay sober. Have other treats. It's not the end of the world to rent, lots of people never own a house. Good luck.

I'd give your DH 6m to join you in changing and strongly consider leaving if he doesn't.

Being blunt: you will not be able to stay sober and stay married to your DH unless he is also committed to getting and staying sober. Unless he is ready to get dry you will have to choose. Please start going to AA to begin with. Or another form of support, up to you. But you need to do one.

Being blunter: by your own admission you've pissed every inheritance you've received so far away. What makes you think the inheritance from your dad would be different, that's if there ends up being any left anyway - perhaps he'll need nursing care? Maybe your dad noticed. Maybe he'd rather the money go to someone for whom it would make a real difference in terms of security than someone who would drink it. Even if he hadn't remarried, it would be foolish in the extreme to count on inheriting and buying a property on that.

Your financial problems stem from your addiction and your codependent, addicted marriage. You can't solve one unless you honestly address the other.

What scares me about your post is that now, everything is still salvageable, you could stop drinking, with or without your DH, improve your career, buy a house and enjoy a comfortable retirement, and probably some decent holidays.

I am worried for you though, that another 10 years will drift past, and you will find yourself in the same situation as you are now, probably with some drink related health issues, and with a lot less choices. I really hope you can find the strength to make some big changes soon, and I agree with what others have said that it is the drinking you need to stop first. Once that has gone it will be so much easier to motivate yourself to sort everything else.

OP you work in a RESTAURANT yet spend £300 a month on takeaways? Don't they provide food at your work?

“I'd give your DH 6m to join you in changing and strongly consider leaving if he doesn't.”

In terms of drunk and drugs, I would say 6 days.Max.

You can’t make headway unless your partner is on board. After 6 months trying you will be discouraged by his sabotage of your progress.

It is your own success that will keep you going. Unless he is 100% on the same journey he will hold you back.