I’m almost 40 and I’ve f***ed up

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Name changed for this. Sorry it’s long.

I know I’ve been naive and stupid, but I honestly didn’t worry about the future until fairly recently. Now I think I’ve really fucked up.

TLDR we rent, don’t know how we will get a mortgage, are on just above NNW and make minimum pension contributions.

In all honesty our pensions will probably have just about enough to buy a cruise and throw ourselves overboard on the last night. I’m only half joking, I don’t want to live to a long age. I can’t see how we will cope if we have to retire???

My credit rating is shot to bits through poor judgment and spending beyond my means, my (and DH’s) career is stagnant, I have no savings as we spent £30K on our wedding and honeymoon and have spent all small inheritances on going on holidays . I know this makes me sound like such an idiot.

Growing up, my parents had a long and happy marriage and lived in a house worth (now) around £800,000. Stupidly stupidly stupidly (as they always said that me and my 2 brothers would inherit the house) I just assumed I didn’t need to worry about a mortgage as I could just buy outright in my old age in a cheaper area, or have a hefty deposit to help get a mortgage more easily if I inherited before my retirement.

However, my DM died, and my father finally remarried 2 years ago after a very short relationship of 6 months. He has already put the house in joint names (as he should, that’s his wife) and I can easily see a situation whereby he leaves everything to her and we get nothing. They haven’t made any wills. It’s not that I don’t trust my step DM, it’s the fact she has a disabled grown child who will ‘need’ more than us. In this circumstance I can see us being cut out.

She is also very funny about money. For my birthday my DH and I paid for all the alcohol which was the biggest cost. I asked if the rest of the family could split the food between them, giving them a smaller bill than me. She thought my dad should pay nothing even though he is a high earner (over 70k). He paid without any problem because it was only £80 and it was his daughters birthday, but she wasn’t happy about it at all.

Anyway, none of this would matter if I hadn’t been so silly to think that my old age would take care of itself. If my DSM cuts us out, or the money goes into a care home I feel I’m fucked.

We have joint income of about £3.2K, living expenses of £1.8K debt repayments of £600 at minimum for about £12K of cc and a loan. We are still living outside our means.

How can I pull this back!

That’s a lovely story SoHotADragonRetired but you don’t know anything about my family relationships. Or indeed about my DFs and DSMs own relationship with alcohol.

I think the point of that story was that most people would advise your dad he would be enabling your addiction by throwing a large inheritance your way.

You seem to get that it was daft to rely on your retirement fund to just sort itself out. I hope you manage to sort your problems out but don't know what to say other than what's been said.

Have you asked DH to go to an AA meeting with you?

I know a few people who have been in your situation, physically.

Whilst yes they had to cut down slowly and at some point they have to stop.

If you are like them then moderate drinking is never going to work.
One or 2 glasses leads to 3-4 then 1 bottle etc till they are back to where you began.

All had their bottoming out and got to a point where one incident made them stop.

A friend was told she had to stop but like you had to do it slowly. Her gp recommended her to take a much smaller glass than she would normally have around with her and swap 1 large normal glass for her small glass.

The problem being she drank the same because she filled the small glass up many times more.

She ended up collapsing in her living room after going to a church related event which was more tea and biscuits than Bacardi and coke.

It was that point, rolling around the floor on her own, unable to get up that she turned herself round.

I know you have said you feel far too unstable for a baby but do you drink because you are missing something else in your life.

I say this because the people I knew who drink to your level and who are women also don’t have children or anything else in their lives and they have got in a rut and habits of what they do each day.

I know people still drink with children but for many I don’t think they have the time to physically down huge amounts each week and function.

Equally once you put into your life fitness/more work or a business that fills the gap then drinking will become something that you did and don’t have time or the inclination to do again.

The teenage you felt worthless and you weren't grown up mentally enough to deal with that then and work on yourself, so have masked it with alcohol rather than actually dealing with it so you have no other coping mechanisms as an adult.

Could you go to counselling to work on this?

I got the feeling that your Dad ring-fenced the house.

You're profligate OP, you can't blame him really.

I know you have said you feel far too unstable for a baby but do you drink because you are missing something else in your life

...I know this was a suggestion given in a constructive spirit, Oliversmumsarmy, but it strikes me as, ah, a mindbogglingly high risk one, with the risk not being borne by the OP but by the potential child.

If children could cure alcoholism or addiction about 60% of children's social workers could probably retire now.

Also mind boggled at the suggestion having children might be a good idea. Very risky. OP admits that her and her DH are both alcoholics.

"Equally once you put into your life fitness/more work or a business that fills the gap then drinking will become something that you did and don’t have time or the inclination to do again."

Alcoholics always have the inclination and therefore the time

I admire your searing honesty- but you need to go back to rehab - whether residential or the x3 a day nurse visits for injections. And not discharge yourself early!

Are you ready to give up alcohol?

Op go to aa. Do it today. There will be meeting somewhere tonight. Take oh if he will come but just go. Ring them first and someone will meet you, but just go. This thread is just attention seeking wanking now. Not serving any purpose. Good luck

Haven't had time to read the full thread....just read 1st page. Place marking to return later xx

SoHotADragonRetired if you read what I wrote I said “something else” that could be missing.

I wasn’t suggesting op runs out and get pregnant I was suggesting that the reason she drank and continued to drink was because there wasn’t a focus in her life other than going to work then coming home to drink and it is more of a habit than a need.

Until she gets that focus then giving up drink long term will be a struggle.

I have friends who struggle with not drinking each day and others who finally lost the battle and I know some who turned their lives around and don’t even think about alcohol.

Those were the ones who eventually replaced their drinking with sports or a business or a career and in some cases children.

Oh gosh.

I really feel for you OP, you seem like you’re in a lot of pain. That post about your mam was harrowing.

You seem like a lovely person but haven’t been ready to face the world for quite a while.
Working in restaurants can be a bit like an extended adolescence with a work hard play hard mentality and you can just become so involved in that world you zone out everything else.

You’re in an amazing place because you’ve started to realise you can have more, but it’s going to take a big move.

Are you close with your siblings? Could you go stay with them for a while?

Christ sake don't have a baby. That is terrible advice. There are plenty of alcoholic parents. Having a baby does not cure alcoholism.

I wouldn’t worry as you’ve admitted “It’s a dependency on alcohol sadly” therefore neither of you need to worry about retirement funds. Maybe try and change this before trying to start a family or worrying about money

Well as most things in life realising that you have a problem is the first big step!! I think the you need to stop drinking which as you work in the hospitality industry is even harder!! You have not mentioned if your husband also drinks a lot. Have you thought about joining AA and working through there program. As for the money it is possible to get out of debt but you are going to have to learn to live within your means. There is loads of stuff on the you tube about getting out of debt and living on a budget. But I think your first priority should be to stop drinking. You can turn this around you just need the will power to change.

Sorry just read all you reply’s and it seems you both like a bucket full !! Unfortunately you both need to decide to change together !, stop the drink stop the drugs. I’m nearly 60 and I have lost a lot of friends to drink and drugs (mainly drink) I lost one of my best friends when she was 52 I will never forget sitting with her the last few days as her liver just stopped working she was yellow. I can also remember her trying to remember when she had last had a day without drink and it had been when she was pregnant at 20. I tried many times to help my frend to stop drinking but it was impossible as her partner would never admit he had a problem so she would just start drinking with him again. He only lasted another two years after my dear friend passed. My frend always new she would never make old bones but even she was shocked how quick the end came. I still miss her so much.

OP what's your work environment like? Do your colleagues drink much? I used to work in the pub trade and there was lots of encouragement to drink and stay late drinking.

Do you WANT to stop drinking or do you feel like you HAVE to stop drinking? Honestly.

Wow - this thread has taken a turn!

I’ve read it as the financial advice at the beginning has been so helpful and encouraging. Some really kind comments and advice - Mumsnet at it’s best!

Then a opinionated, unthoughtful, nasty side emerges......which sadly happens too often here.
(you were right to call out soahotdragonretored). So unhelpful!

OP take what you need from the thread, there’s genuinely good advice here.

Be kind to yourself, it’s not too late to sort yourself out! I’ve nothing to add apart from good luck! I think you are very able and self aware, you also sound really lovely!

We aren’t all sensible with money (I certainly haven’t been) and like you only recently started to think about the future. I’ve spent far too much on holidays ( I love them - why else work? I’ve reasoned). And spent an obscene amount on my wedding to make other people happy! I’ve constantly overspent on the ‘nicer’ things!

Draw a line, and make a fresh start - which you are doing now!! I’ve cleared my credit card now, and started a savings account. I’ve not topped my pension payments yet, but thanks to you and this thread - I will now

I’ve focused on one thing at a time, and made small steps. Some might say it’s not enough, but it’s a start and I’m in a better place than I was.

Good luck, I’d love to know how you get on xx

Can you describe your routine to us? When do you have your first drink etc. What time do you work? Do you live in a city/town? What sports do you enjoy? Swimming? My thinking is as singletons your well placed to put in displacement activities.

You haven't answered, as far as I can see, any of the questions about your DH. What is his thinking on the current situation and the future?

Then a opinionated, unthoughtful, nasty side emerges......which sadly happens too often here.
(you were right to call out soahotdragonretored). So unhelpful!

@CurlyTwirlyTwos could you perhaps point out which part of what @SoHotADragonRetired said could be described as "nasty" or "unthoughtful"?

If it's opinionated or unthoughtful to point put that OP's drinking is the root problem, that she will not be able to stay married and get sober unless her DH gets sober too, and that her DF might be tired of the expectation he bail out an adult daughter who isn't doing anything to help herself financially, I accept those adjectives. I do not agree that it is nasty, though. Addicts are very skilled at blinding themselves to the consequences of their addictions, and it's almost impossible to get sustainably sober unless you can look those consequences in the face.

You both need to get professional help for your alcohol dependency as the first port of call. Are your family aware that you have this problem? This could explain why your DSM was funny about the birthday bash bill - because you were prioritising lots of booze over food.

Once you've knuckled down, cleared your debt and built some savings, a house deposit is a priority. Renting long-term is dead money. Maybe a Help to Buy type scheme would be good for you as a first time buyer. If you can get on the ladder in the south, you can cash in later in life by downsizing and moving north, as you suggest. That could give you something towards a pension pot.

Really sorry to hear that you lost your mum recently This is a controversial suggestion but once you have resolved your alcohol problem, could you talk to your DD about his will and ask if he plans to make any provisions for you and any siblings in his will since he has now remarried? Presumably your DM either facilitated your DD's career for all of those years or worked herself and you know that she planned to make provisions for her children before things took a very unexpected turn. Of course, your DSM should be included as she has refurbed the property at her own cost and most importantly, she is your DD's wife, but my husband has promised me that he would always factor in our children if anything happened to me and he re-married. I would want him to be happy and remarry for love and companionship but I would also want my significant, longstanding contribution to be recognised through my children's inheritance. Some would say that's unfair.

but my husband has promised me that he would always factor in our children if anything happened to me and he re-married

I would be wanting to factor in children in your own will. Who knows what would happen in the future.

Maybe the df in this had an understanding with ops dm that he would factor in the children but then he gets married and all those promises get forgotten.

Oliversmumsarmy - probably a silly question but how best do you go about that? Probably a chunk of life insurance policy and death in service go into the kids' name. DP has his own chunk, any pension transfers and the equity in the house?

I think it's possible to set up ownership of a property such that one persons half is left directly to the children but the house continues to be lived in by the other resident until they die/sell. When the house is sold the child/ren receive their portion.

IANAL though so pls consult one if you need to confirm! And this relies on the making of clear wills and keeping all paperwork current. If the person dies intestate but married control passes to the spouse.