I’m almost 40 and I’ve f***ed up

[cbatothinkofanamechange]

Name changed for this. Sorry it’s long.

I know I’ve been naive and stupid, but I honestly didn’t worry about the future until fairly recently. Now I think I’ve really fucked up.

TLDR we rent, don’t know how we will get a mortgage, are on just above NNW and make minimum pension contributions.

In all honesty our pensions will probably have just about enough to buy a cruise and throw ourselves overboard on the last night. I’m only half joking, I don’t want to live to a long age. I can’t see how we will cope if we have to retire???

My credit rating is shot to bits through poor judgment and spending beyond my means, my (and DH’s) career is stagnant, I have no savings as we spent £30K on our wedding and honeymoon and have spent all small inheritances on going on holidays . I know this makes me sound like such an idiot.

Growing up, my parents had a long and happy marriage and lived in a house worth (now) around £800,000. Stupidly stupidly stupidly (as they always said that me and my 2 brothers would inherit the house) I just assumed I didn’t need to worry about a mortgage as I could just buy outright in my old age in a cheaper area, or have a hefty deposit to help get a mortgage more easily if I inherited before my retirement.

However, my DM died, and my father finally remarried 2 years ago after a very short relationship of 6 months. He has already put the house in joint names (as he should, that’s his wife) and I can easily see a situation whereby he leaves everything to her and we get nothing. They haven’t made any wills. It’s not that I don’t trust my step DM, it’s the fact she has a disabled grown child who will ‘need’ more than us. In this circumstance I can see us being cut out.

She is also very funny about money. For my birthday my DH and I paid for all the alcohol which was the biggest cost. I asked if the rest of the family could split the food between them, giving them a smaller bill than me. She thought my dad should pay nothing even though he is a high earner (over 70k). He paid without any problem because it was only £80 and it was his daughters birthday, but she wasn’t happy about it at all.

Anyway, none of this would matter if I hadn’t been so silly to think that my old age would take care of itself. If my DSM cuts us out, or the money goes into a care home I feel I’m fucked.

We have joint income of about £3.2K, living expenses of £1.8K debt repayments of £600 at minimum for about £12K of cc and a loan. We are still living outside our means.

How can I pull this back!

Are you on Instagram at all? I started an account to share my journey to being debt free just over a month ago and it's very, very motivating. It's helped me feel less alone and stop beating myself up, too.

We are in a slightly different position as neither of our parents have anything, we may not stand to inherit a great deal from non-parental relatives but that is not guaranteed and we would rather they stuck around for as long as possible anyway. We are also both only in our late 20s with good earning potential, but more debt than you and two kids to support... everyone's situation is different but nothing is hopeless.

Here's a telegraph article about using insta to get rid of debt - I am 'Sophie' x

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/financialfitness-new-selfcare-meet-people-using-instagram-save/

The more I write the more I realise this is nothing at all to do with my dad’s remarriage.

I just want to grow up and for my DH to want to grow up as well.

Thank you to you all.

Have the money for bills in one account that you do not touch! Make sure they all come out of to make sure they are the priority and paid on time. Other money can go in a seperate account so you know what is disposible and can budget to that. Do not book any further holidays or buy any big expenses. See a financial advisor (cab offer this service) and start taking steps to reduce your alcohol consumption. If you really want to get your finances in order you need to do damage limitation now by not building up more credit and see someone who can advise you properly. Making small changes adds up

cbatothinkofanamechange

If you mean you have all 0s, no missed payments then that is a start.

Your low credit rating could be because you are maxed out on your credit cards, or you take cash out of the bank on a regular basis.

The Instagram thing seems really powerful. I wish I was that brave. I’m afraid I only use my account to ‘show off’ expensive wines and holidays that we can’t really afford.

Throw as much spare cash as you can each month at the debt. There is no point trying to save money when you are accruing debt with X% interest added on every month. Start to save money when the debt is gone.
Secretly, rightly or wrongly, everyone thinks about what they might inherit further down the line but the sad truth is that it rarely turns out well. My grandparents wanted their house to go to my dad when they passed away but one of them ended up in a nursing home and there was barely anything left at the end. I think it's safer to assume that there is no inheritance ever coming our way and if anything does then it's a bonus.

I think it's safer to assume that there is no inheritance ever coming our way and if anything does then it's a bonus.

You are so right. Thank you again to everyone that has commented. I need to make my own security. With the alcohol problems I went to rehab a few years ago as I was drinking in work and lost my job. I no longer do this but we both still drink far more than we should. At present I have around 2-4 alcohol free days per month so it’s a start I guess.

@cbatothinkofanamechange

There is a really strong 'Debt Free Community' on there - who wouldn't let you get away with that if you join them! They are a bit extreme for me but some people thrive on that kind of vigilance.

I have had a few messages from people telling me that their spending and debt problems were linked to alcohol dependency, so I would agree that tackling that is probably your first priority.

Having zero faith in yourself is not going to help you!

Lots of good advice here.
Agree that you need to clear debts before you start saving. Work out how much you can reasonably afford to pay monthly, and set up a direct debit to pay it off as soon as possible.
Once you've cleared that, then put aside that same amount each month into pension or savings.
In the meantime, you've done well to get to 2-4 alcohol free days, but you already know that you need to work on upping that. Make sure you get proper help and support though - for both of you.

I think the top priority needs to be for you and your DH to both accept that you are alocoholics and stop drinking using whatever help is available. This will make tackling everything else much easier.

If you can stop the booze then youve taken out a big cost plus will remove the indirect costs such as daily takeaway. You simply can’t afford to spend like that if you’re in the red every month.

I agree you should assume there is no inheritance coming. There could be a number of reasons for this to be the case even absent your stepmother. Your father could have spent it or needed it all for care homes

You have another 20-30 years of working life at your age so once you’ve dealt with the alcoholism I would suggest you should think strategically as to what you could both do (or at least you) Job or career wise that could lead to your income rising over the next few years but also in roles that you think you could do into your 50s and 60s. You seem to imply that an impoverished old age is a done deal but it really isn’t. And whilst cutting back the spending helps a lot, longer term if you can move yourself into much better paid work that will be where you can really reap the benefits.

Today is the day I will give up delivered food. It’s not much but it’s a start. Just checked my cc statement and I’ve spent almost £300 on uber eats in 2 months.

Why don’t you have a chat with your dad..ask him if he could loan you the money for a house deposit.
I’m putting myself in your mums shoes.
I’d bloody well come back and haunt my dh if he did what your dad had done...I want my half of my worked for house going to my kids.not a new wife..I wouldn’t care how happy she made him..
This way he could help you and still leave her the house.
I still think she’s grabby..and op you sound to nice 👍

It's hard to learn you probably won't be getting the inheritance you were expecting. The thing to do now though is to plan your financial future based on not getting it. Personally my top priority would be to pay off the debt ASAP and start living within your means, then look to increase savings & pension contributions. If it helps at all my Mum is on a low wage and didn't start contributing to her pension until her 50s but she will be able to get about 4-5k a year from it, which will make a big difference to her retirement.

If it helps at all my Mum is on a low wage and didn't start contributing to her pension until her 50s

This does help a great deal. 4-5K a year would almost cover rent on a little house up north. Think I need to look at upping the pension ASAP!

snowdrop thank you. My mum would have been heartbroken if she knew my dad had transferred the house to joint ownership to a woman he had known for a few months. My mum was actually a higher earner than my dad and also raised her 3 children. She was an incredible person who worked incredibly hard. I miss her so much, she was wonderful and an inspiration to me. Her love and encouragement is in my heart everyday but its fading away.

You could join some Dave Ramsey Facebook groups for moral support - lots of people in the same situation (though it’s mainly American) but the principals are all the same.

He has a ‘debt snowball’ method that many people have found useful, and gives a step by step guide to tackling the mountain of debt.
www.daveramsey.com/blog/get-out-of-debt-with-the-debt-snowball-plan

^ Actually just realised there’s a U.K. version of this, so ignore the American comment!

OP first of all I think you're brave putting this on here. You've been very honest and you could have got a real kick here. I'm glad it hasn't been too bad because at this point feeling more shit isn't going to help you. I love MN for this.

You do keep saying I rather than we. Does this mean that your DH isn't willing to make changes? Are you going to be doing this on your own? Are you having joint conversations about this? Or is it all down to you?

Your Mum might also have been less than happy to work hard and see you and your DH drink your money away.

You are being v brave confronting yourself and honest about how you could make a quick and effective start in turning your prospects around.

It’s a choice now and you can make a huge impact on a great future if you go for it. Which is great!

Stop going out, stop holidays, stop having fun.

I know you don't want to do that but you Need to do that for a period of time to get things sorted out.

£800 a month of disposable income means you can start afresh and get a plan going.

1. Have a small pile of money to stop you using debt... say £1000.
2. Pay off the debts.
3. Build up a reserve of money (say £6000) and then you will feel nice and comfortable.
4. Pay into pension and ISA... aim for 15% of income going towards these.
5. Save up a good deposit for a home. Then keep working on paying off the mortgage - don't want a mortgage when you retire.

Sounds familiar? It will do if you have ever googled Dave Ramsey Baby Steps, or listened to his podcast or asked. alexa: "Alexa, play The Dave Ramsey Show."

How small is your pension? If your mortgage free by retirement and its private you should be okay.
Have you set up a regular pension style fixed savings amount? 100pcm over 30 years soon adds up!!

OP, everything bar the drinking is a red herring. If you have a problem with booze, you could be on a 6 figure salary and still set up for a sh*t old age, if you get that far. Your industry is horrific for alcohol, and if you are both in it together it is sometimes even harder to get out of it together. But you are in such a brilliant position of recognising that things are not right, AND that you can do something about it. An AA meeting might be your best next step, or a visit to your GP. Once you've started that journey, the debt, the pension, the house, will all be much much more sortable. Day 1 of sober you can be today. If you've already drunk today you stop NOW. And not start again tomorrow. You can. And you can find the help to make it easier.

If you're not yet 40 my financial bit of advice would be take out a LISA. Lifetimie ISA's allow you to pay in a certain amount each year which the government tops up that years contributions by 25% (there are limits to the amount). You can open one for as little as £1 up to your 40th birthday but gain the benefit for monies paid in up to I think your 50th. The money can be used for a house purchase or pension, if withdrawn for other purposes you don't get the 25% top up.

1. Clear your debt- be brutal paring your budget back.
2. Mend your credit rating.
3. Ask your dad for help with a deposit or being a guarantor to get you onto the property ladder.

All this will be easier if you tackle the alcohol dependence.

You need to deal with the alcohol dependency as your number 1 priority.
Rehab isn't about cutting back but stopping drinking completely forever.
You do know this.
Everything else is a smokescreen.
Start by going to an AA meeting.
Get sober and stay sober and then maybe look at tackling your other problems.
One day at a time.