I’m almost 40 and I’ve f***ed up

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Name changed for this. Sorry it’s long.

I know I’ve been naive and stupid, but I honestly didn’t worry about the future until fairly recently. Now I think I’ve really fucked up.

TLDR we rent, don’t know how we will get a mortgage, are on just above NNW and make minimum pension contributions.

In all honesty our pensions will probably have just about enough to buy a cruise and throw ourselves overboard on the last night. I’m only half joking, I don’t want to live to a long age. I can’t see how we will cope if we have to retire???

My credit rating is shot to bits through poor judgment and spending beyond my means, my (and DH’s) career is stagnant, I have no savings as we spent £30K on our wedding and honeymoon and have spent all small inheritances on going on holidays . I know this makes me sound like such an idiot.

Growing up, my parents had a long and happy marriage and lived in a house worth (now) around £800,000. Stupidly stupidly stupidly (as they always said that me and my 2 brothers would inherit the house) I just assumed I didn’t need to worry about a mortgage as I could just buy outright in my old age in a cheaper area, or have a hefty deposit to help get a mortgage more easily if I inherited before my retirement.

However, my DM died, and my father finally remarried 2 years ago after a very short relationship of 6 months. He has already put the house in joint names (as he should, that’s his wife) and I can easily see a situation whereby he leaves everything to her and we get nothing. They haven’t made any wills. It’s not that I don’t trust my step DM, it’s the fact she has a disabled grown child who will ‘need’ more than us. In this circumstance I can see us being cut out.

She is also very funny about money. For my birthday my DH and I paid for all the alcohol which was the biggest cost. I asked if the rest of the family could split the food between them, giving them a smaller bill than me. She thought my dad should pay nothing even though he is a high earner (over 70k). He paid without any problem because it was only £80 and it was his daughters birthday, but she wasn’t happy about it at all.

Anyway, none of this would matter if I hadn’t been so silly to think that my old age would take care of itself. If my DSM cuts us out, or the money goes into a care home I feel I’m fucked.

We have joint income of about £3.2K, living expenses of £1.8K debt repayments of £600 at minimum for about £12K of cc and a loan. We are still living outside our means.

How can I pull this back!

It sounds as though alcohol is the main cause of your problems including money problems, but you obviously recognise that. Giving it up and having a clear head 24 hours a day would help you deal with other issues. Eg could you progress to become front of house supervisor or restaurant manager and earn more? Another option is to take a second job if you have the energy. I doubt if age alone would prevent you getting a mortgage. Well done for admitting the issues you have, a step in the right direction.

Wow, this thread has moved on a bit.

I have to agree, you cannot change anything until you address the problems with alcohol in your marriage.

And, given your earlier comments about rehab, cutting down is not the answer, you have to stop.

Money saving expert forums. Debt sections. Full of amazing people who can signpost you to help with debts. Also worth doing a statement of affairs SOA on there it's like a budget. You've time to sort it I've seen much higher debts on there.

Definitely open a LISA with a pound! That option is gone soon if you dont. Also, check out the Barclays family springboard mortgage, perhaps your dad could assist you with this but I agree you need to get support for your alcohol dependency first. Good luck

Didn't see the bit about alcohol and drugs. That needs dealing with or you will carry on tbh. You earn a decent wage between you not far off our joint wages. We are comfortable with a mortgage and holidays. We enjoy life too but we save and have pensions. Both 40 this year.

You can't plan your future before you sort out your present and that will take a lifestyle change from both of you. I enjoy alcohol but life is enjoyable without it too which if you are dependant prob needs to happen.

I think if your dh is not on board and you start to sober up despite saying you love him and can’t ever imagine the two of you splitting I think there is a high probability that you could end up parting ways as you want different things.

Once sober all those little quirks that seemed so funny and cute when you were both pissed in the cold light of day could come across as annoyances and you might eventually feel once you get your “shit” together you have outgrown him

Equally he might want someone to get pissed with and might go looking for someone else if his drinking buddy is only on fizzy water.

At the moment you have a shared love of booze. Take that away and until you do you don’t know what your relationship will look like.

When you say that you ‘went to rehab’, what do you mean?

How does your DH feel about giving up?

Could you train to go into a different industry?

My mind is truly boggled here. You are self-harming on a huge scale. Everything you do now is affecting your physical and mental well-being and your future.

I don't think you will get away from drink and drugs if you stay with your husband. I don't think you even want to. If together you stopped drinking and taking drugs and got into fitness in a massive way, running every day, that sort of thing, then you'd find your health improved, both mentally and physically, and that you could save a lot towards your future.

I can see why your dad didn't give you any of your mum's money, tbh. You have drunk and eaten and wasted other inheritances. Why should he give you anything more to waste? Admit it, if he gave you £10K now, you'd go on a blow-out holiday, wouldn't you?

(Reading this back all I have really done is summarise the advice...)

1. Sort out a lifetime ISA - you are running out of time to open one, and they are a bloody good deal.
2. Deal with the booze, with your DH is he is on board and without him if not (as others have said, if he doesn't want to give up the alcohol, you may to give up him). Easily said I know but there is a lot of help and advice available.
3. Pay off your debts - this should be easier once you have stopped spending £££ on booze.
4. Reduce your outgoings. This includes moving somewhere cheaper eg up north. It will let you save enough (including into the ISA) to buy somewhere which will give you long-term security and reduce the income you need to survive or even thrive in retirement.

witches. I’m at work now but will explain later tonight about rehab.

OP, I just wanted to say, don’t be too hard on yourself.

You aren’t the first person who has made mistakes with money etc, well done for recognising it. MSE forum has some inspiring stories of people who have turned it around.

Thank you witches

I did the rehab around 3 years ago.

At the time my GP told me that to go ‘cold turkey’ would be extremely hazardous to my health due to the amount I was drinking (around 100-120 units per week).

Once I went to therapy I was advised that I had a choice of rehab ‘in-house’ or I would need 3X daily visits from a nurse to administer medication at home. The other choice I was given was ‘reduction’ slowly, which I took as I was not ready to contemplate a life without alcohol. In the last few years I have drastically reduced my consumption but know I have still got a long way to go.

The therapy I had included weekly ‘talking’ therapy and separate weekly appointments for CBT and also acupuncture. I did discharge my self after 6 months but to be honest still felt pretty lost.

I feel like this thread has become a bit of AMA : I’m an alcoholic, but to be honest I’m still finding it helpful. I feel like I’ve had a lot more than in a kinda tough love situation, so thank you again for everyone that has contributed so far.

hollow you are half right. The old me would take £10K and not only go to the Maldives with it, but also go way over that budget. However, I truly believe now I would put it in the LISA that’s been mentioned by a PP above.

120 units a week Wow. How are you still alive? Tbh you won't need a pension at all unless you knock it on the head tomorrow because you won't live long enough to get to pension age.

Forget the money issues. The booze and the husband have to go. You'll be dead if they don't. Staying loyal to marriage vows is an only option for those who aren't putting their lives on the line to do so.

Oliversmumsarmy. It’s funny you should mention separating the relationship apart from the booze. When we went on honeymoon, the first country visited was one with pretty strict alcohol restrictions and we still found a way (via our private driver) to get pissed before each temple visit etc. I feel a bit sick now thinking about how we ensured we were well lubricanted as a priority. Sex was not the priority, getting drunk was.

cba I use an app to count my days sober. I find it motivating and a reminder/conscience on days when I get that awful craven thirst. I had my last drink 108 days ago, and that has saved me £1.7k in booze and cigarettes (because I ‘only’ smoked when I drank).

Your dependency sounds further advanced than mine is/was. This app won’t cure you, but consider adding it to your armoury for quitting and saving money.

I agree with pretty much everyone else here that if your OH isn’t as committed as you, you won’t succeed. I wouldn’t even give 6 months grace period. You are running out of time. (I am not sure if I missed reading what age you are, but I am guessing late 30s/40s). I wish you courage and a steely resolve!

Tbh you won't need a pension at all unless you knock it on the head tomorrow because you won't live long enough to get to pension age.

To be totally honest with you, I don’t want to be alive at pension age. I still feel as worthless as I did in my teenage years.

I don’t want misery, just hedonism

Just to say, you are not on now. Your tips bring you well over now. You actually have a decent take home pay.

NMW not now.

Come on OP everyone would rather have hedonism over misery. But real life cannot be constant hedonism and various parts will always be mundane.

Sounds like you have poor self esteem (many people have this) and this contributes to your drinking. Which is probably a vicious circle. If you can break the cycle by stopping drinking and then spend some of the money on instead working out why you dislike yourself so much and how you can start liking yourself enough to want to do self care. Or at least not actively want to self destruct.

The idea of wanting to live fast and die young is something teenagers may subscribe to. And whilst now the idea of partying your way through the next 20 years gloriously and then dropping dead at 60 may seem attractive a) that isn’t how it works - have you seen older people who have been long term alcoholics, it is generally a long slow miserable decline rather than going out in a blaze of glory and b) I bet you would think differently when you are 59.

Come on OP I’m afraid I was drunk last night when I made that statement, it’s absolute bollocks.

Hi OP, I can relate to a lot of what you've said in this thread. At my worst, I was on between three and four bottles of wine a day so more like 200 - 250 units a week. I have friends in AA who were on much more than that. Many of us were 24/7 drinkers. So I really have been there.

Until you are at the stage that you no longer want alcohol in your life, it will be pretty tricky to deal with the rest of it. Having a partner who also drinks could be your way of hanging onto the drinking lifestyle. I used to have a kind of "insurance" where I wouldn't tell people I'd stopped drinking, in case I wanted to revert. These days I would be physically sick if I touched any; like you, I couldn't imagine a future without drink because you get to a stage where you drink to feel normal rather than to get drunk.

I understand the "cutting down" that you were advised to do but it's incredibly difficult in reality. I was put on diazepam because the first time I stopped, I had hallucinations and a massive seizure and had no idea that it was alcohol withdrawal.

One of the most oft repeated sentences that I hear at AA is that the drink "stopped working". Maybe you haven't reached that point yet. I appreciate that AA isn't for everyone as well - I've been going for 11 years and for me, it's the solidarity and the people I've met in meetings that has helped to keep me sober.

To me, a self confessed alcoholic, moderation doesn't work.

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

I wish you well, OP.

It wasn't that silly of you to assume that you would inherit from an 800K house really! Before your Dad remarried that must have seemed realistic.

Your DSM sounds like a bit of a tool. I second others who have suggested talking to your Dad and saying how much you're struggling, how fearful you are of the future and mentioning how you had thought that you might inherit from him and your mother and are now unsure whether this is still the case.

My wealthy, selfish Grandad remarried after my Grandma died; requested back the £200,000 that my Grandma had left in her Will to my family (which my Dad should never have given back as it didn't belong to my Grandad) AND then left everything to my step-Grandmother. My Dad had unfortunately been working on the basis that we would inherit after my Grandad had died and that we would eventually get the other £200K back, as promised and borrowed money that he could not then repay. It was awful and I think you're wise to assume that a similar situation might arise with your Dad's estate especially with his wife being so tight already.

"Dear MN, I'm a man in my seventies. I was happily married for many years but tragically lost my wife a few years ago. I was completely devastated, but I was fortunate to meet a wonderful woman who has become my new DP and who has helped me feel I have something positive in my life again. My issue is this. I also have an adult DD who is married. She and her DH are both active alcoholics and also use drugs. Their income is fairly decent, but they live beyond it and constantly run up debt on holidays, eating out, takeaways and booze. Occasionally they half-heartedly attempt to get sober, but despite rehab it never sticks. It's become obvious to me that my DD is just waiting for me to die to fix everything with her life and finances. She's blown tens of thousands of pounds including inheritances and cash lump sums but still rents, despite the fact that she could have had a solid chunk of equity in her own property by now. AIBU to be fed up of the expectation that daddy will sort everything out, and to think that her inheriting everything would just end up enabling her addiction? She's blown so much money already, I find it hard to see the point in everything her mother and I worked for being pissed away. My DP and I want to get married, it means a lot to both of us and half of the value of this house would be a huge security to her. I have no intention of completely disinheriting my DD, but it's hard to see the justification for giving her everything when marrying my DP could give her, and her adult son who is disabled, lifelong security."