Codeine addiction

[madein1995]

Hi

I'm new here so please be gentle. I'm posting here for traffic, and just want to know about others experiences of codeine/co codamol and how they've overcome it.

I never really used it a few years ago. Mum had it (prescribed) and I'd take a tablet or two when in pain (dislocations etc). When I came home from uni I was unemployed and really down/depressed for about 5 months, and I started taking it heavily then.

Since then, I've used in stages and in different levels. I've gone through periods of using it every day, during the day, only using it at night, and of course withdrawing when the prescription ran out. It sounds daft, but the feeling it gives me is incredible. Providing I know my limit and don't take too many tablets that I feel rough the next day, I'm fine. I'm more positive, cheerful, happy, and I sleep better. I honestly feel sometimes there's no downsides. I function perfectly normal and noone in real life would guess. Mother doesn't notice her prescription going missing as she never uses it (ironically as she doesn't want to get addicted).

I'm not stupid though. I know it must be doing me some harm though. When I withdraw my body aches, I have diarrhea, I have restless legs, I have worse sleep and I suspect that physically at least I am dependant on it.

I can't admit it to anyone in real life. I hate withdrawal. I feel so on edge and down all the time, and part of me can't wait til next Wednesday for mum's prescription to come in, to have more. At the same time I'm going through withdrawal and I'm thinking what is the point in going through this only to have to go through it again, in the future. I want to join the police in the future and know that my cocodamol use will need to stop for this.

The fact that I feel so down without it scares me. I feel really depressed, and I don't know if it's a result of withdrawal or just not medicating. It's not right. I was a lot happier three years ago, and I have been through some stuff since then (not dramatic, unemployment, being assaulted, unemployment, bad family relationships). But surely I should be able to move on from that? I can't let on to anyone that I'm hurting inside, and I should be able to move on from that. I can't afford therapy.

Basically, I'm very confused, a bit scared and a lot fed up of going through withdrawal all over again. I would appreciate support if anyone has been through the same thing.

@made you've been through withdrawal. You know you can do it. But now you find you are looking for something to take the edge off, when you feel anxious, or have a bad time. 

I want to say this very clearly - and I hope I can. 

Trying to make yourself feel better by consuming something - eating, drinking, taking a prescription meds or a drug, or anything AT ALL - will only make things worse.

It's the cornerstone of addiction.

You are numbing to stop yourself feeling things.

There are better ways to feel OK.

There is so much help available today, and there is no need for shame, and no need to tell your parents; you are entitled to privacy.

Re: your work. There is no need to think you need to be perfect, you are new and there's always a lot to learn. Just show up and do your best, and that's enough. I bet all the other new people are struggling just as much. 

Please make notice - this is from someone who understands only too well and didn't learn all of this until quite late in life.

Another thing is to try to do something other things you enjoy, have a laugh.

ignatiusjreilly on 9th June "It sounds like you need to go and see your GP and ask for help. If you're worried about privacy, ask to see one of the other doctors at the practice instead of your usual one."

@VanellopeVonSchweetz99 on 20th April "Your GP is there for you, you'll be surprised and relieved how supportive they can be. They are an objective professional adult and they are there for you in a way that friends and family can never be. They will know SO much about your challanges, they have seen it all before. Just be open and honest with them"

Also worth while tracking your mood across the day at certain times out of 10 so you can bring to GP appt as well, this could be done via an app but also done simply in notes section as in "day - time - 1/10 (where 1 is low and 10 is happiest you have ever been) about 4 points in the day will be fine, takes seconds to do and gives them a quick snapshot of how a week in your life has been if you transfer it out to paper

Please make the GP appointment, ask for one at the end of the day last slot and possibily a double appt, that way the GP isnt as rushed ((to the 10 minute appt in which they magically have to see, diagnoise and treat the patient and do all paperwork, record of consultation and any referrals (techinally on computer now) in that magic 10 mins when some people havent got in the door of the surgery yet. )) would you agree @randomuntrainedcuntowner

Think of the relief when you are able to unload the weight this is on your shoulders in the GP surgery, it wont sit as heavily as theirs although GPs have great responsibility and do a wonderful job so will add a thank you and awe to @randomuntrainedcuntowner and her counterparts all around the country.

Remember a problem shared is a problem halved, it will be the first time I am guessing you will be able to speak properly in the open and not like when you were confronted by your mum and dad. The GP will formulate a plan to work out what to do and how to help you best, just be completely honest with them like you have here with us

@ElizaDontlittle on the 18th May said - "That beast is called addiction and the only way to make it go away is clean time - because cravings attenuate - and some sort of psychological help. I think you need a human being to trust. Your GP would be a good start but most areas have an addiction service you can self refer into and you can refuse for your details to be sent to your GP. - though it's inadvisable, as what if you need an operation in 5 years time and nobody knows not to give you codeine to go home with etc. But what you need is your head out of this madness so that your mental health stands at least a chance of recovery"

Excerpt from my own previous post - 10th June

Also i will add here if you were to have an accident of some kind, you might want to consider when in a better place on your recovery journey, a medical bracelet, (the one i have is now known as nomination bracelets) just add in (no opiates) and seperate links for any conditions if anyone asks in general, "allergic" but no further explaination needed, obviously more details given in a medical context but not otherwise

When you are feeling sick from withdrawals

What i would suggest instead is trying to keep hydrated, squash / plain water with squash does make it easier to drink in my opinion or sprite gone flat if stomach is churning

with the nausea i would have a slice of toast because if you are going to vom you now have something to do it with and arent dry heaving, for nausea i also recommend ginger ale if you can sip at it when its gone flat, and/or travel bands - my theory is i have to have something in, if i know its going to going out as dry heaving feels worse to me at least

Headache - put cold pack to back of neck, heat pack to feet to pull blood away, slice of toast in case of vom, open small can of ginger ale, then have something else on standby to take vom taste out of your mouth if you have been sick and the heat pack up to your tummy to cuddle as you will be feeling sensitive and vulnerable.

(if dont like ginger ale, ginger tea, ginger nut biscuit, nibbling a piece of raw ginger... you get the common factor here - or a dry cream cracker i think helps as well)

Maybe an eye mask and ear plugs but thats an individual thing

Heat - wheatie bag, hot water bottle, soft blanket to curl around you safely to hug yourself

On the 24th of May you reached out by fb messenger to local drugs services that was a massive step. The agency signposted me to another agency, but I've not had the courage to email them yet. I urge you to contact them while you wait for GP appointment.

In reply to @fruitcider "I think abstinence is the way for me. I've been craving them already this morning, not in an 'I must have themb way but thinking it'd be making nice and making plans to myself before sorting myself out"

@FaithEverPresent thats a good link despite it being the Fail

As i have suggested before if still having restless legs and i know how bad it can be (i have restless arms instead) a bath in epson salts, rinse, get all salt off you esp any went internally it will itch badly, in a spray bottle mix some oil (vegetable / olive) what you have with a little epson salts and rub the spray with the gritty mix into your skin, it will absorb and the magnesium will help the restlessness a bit.

As @randomuntrainedcuntowner says "You would simply get YOUR OWN prescription for codeine which can be reduced very slowly" this is so it can be done safely and monitored via blood tests, ecgs etc and taking out the paracetamol so your liver isnt being slaughtered by it constantly, it would still be dealing with the codeine but over time it would hopefully be dealing with less and less

In the meantime while you are coming off it longer term you can seek support in real like apart from the GP, who may be able to refer you to different services and also look at the bigger picture for you, in your opening post you mentioned a couple of things about when you started taking it first of all it was for dislocations and I know Ive already brought this up but if dislocating often you could possibly be hypermobile or have other conditions however Im not a medic.

The second thing that jumps at me was you started the codeine at a time when you were "really down / depressed" and the feeling it gives you is "incredible". "I'm more positive, cheerful, happy, and I sleep better" and then when you ran out it was horrible each time,

Its perfectly possible to have depression as underlying and the codeine was a way of self medicating to make you better and be able to deal with it? A course of anti depressants or other referral may be advisable in consultation with your GP.

Come clean with your mum and get her to lock them away. Then you can't be tempted. And see your GP. They are not allowed to discuss your notes with anyone.

" I can't let on to anyone that I'm hurting inside, and I should be able to move on from that. I can't afford therapy." Life events affect people in different ways and Im guessing you didnt have someone who you could confide in and unpick everything with a trusted friend to help come to terms with things.

With regard to counselling even general there are some places who work on a sliding scale and even though you are now employed i am guessing you are the very basic level pay scale so will work way up from there?

After the end of university year / HE/FE colleges well my local one who does a counselling degree there is always at least 4-5 counsellors who set up rooms together and I know several people who have got cheaper counselling that way as they went on a sliding scale (although like yourself who is working) so to "fill the books" when people tried to book at first for trial sessions to see what new counsellors were like before committing to therapy. However the "fill the books" people had attended the counsellors during their last months in training and were seen as supervised practice as well. No idea if thats an option of any kind. It means all counselling places when they open generally have a waiting list, i only know this from someone who is a counsellor.

Online addiction support group - did you have any luck with the one @fruitcider suggested or if you didnt fancy it there are tons more, I would suggest that the group if you can check it out is UK based so you have no translation of health and support systems constantly (no offence to others) as that can be mentally hard remembering who is USA or OZ based or elsewhere.

Remember if you need to talk about anything there is the Samaritans, you dont have to be suicidal, you dont have to give your name, they are there listening and i for one am very thankful for the wonderful men and women who volunteer their time.

They got me day by day at times thru my teenage years, my mum always wondered what the number was on the phone bill (landline phones only in late 80s/early 90s) but worked out someone was helping me as i was like a demon first and then would be in better form after coming off the phone. I would also take the phone to my room and lie under the bed whispering.

They wont tell you what to do but they will listen and allow you to get everything out of your head, no judgements.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

Other things in your life as everyone is multi dimensional

Trainer at the gym - are you still going there? How are you getting on?
Are you still swimming / dog walking

Meal planning - how is that going?

Any recipes you would like to share with us?
Do you remember to keep something "bad" (crisps / choc) for when cravings are bad?
Are you attending weight watchers still or doing online now? I know it can be hard when working full time. Remember weight isnt most important thing at this minute.

Keep talking to us, you arent on your own and while it may be hard to read some bits its cos we care

Hi guys. smurfy I've read your posts, and I know you mean well and all care about me. It just hurts to much to think about things. I read the last few pages of comments back yesterday in break in work and felt sad and unable to concentrate afterwards. Since that I've put that side of things in a box in my mind and not opened it. When I think about those things, I feel shit. I've been avoiding this thread too.

I'm not drunk, or high, tonight. Mams tablet bag (theyre back in her room, though no doubt she's monitoring them) is back in her room, I took a strip the other night but the bags moved since then so I cant risk taking more. I have had some drink - bottle (500mlish) of passion fruit martini - enough to make me tipsy, not drunk.

Being honest I can't see me going to the doctors. I know I should (the not pooing - even after days after last using - does worry me a bit, but I just shove it in a box and don't think about it). But I just can't. I know I'm being stupid, and you're probably all shouting through your screens at me, but I just can't bring myself too. It's such a huge step and one I'm not ready to take. I still think if I'm strong enough I can stop all this by myself.

Physically, I'm in pain. Not withdrawals but the crippling stomach I last had when I took tablets constantly every day. That was the reason I limited myself to only taking them at night - at one point I was probably taking at least 15 if not 20 per day and in bad stomach pain. I've stopped completely now so the stomach pain should stop, if past experience is anything to go by.

If I ignore things, I can just about get by without feeling too low. If I let thoughts of my - well addiction , I suppose - to creep in, I feel even lower. If I let myself think too much in general, actually, I feel crap.

I've just got to keep smiling. I'm actually known as 'happy (my name)' in work. Shows how good my acting is. Others get stressed and down, or leave the room crying and wanting fussing over, and that's not me. I'm more the type to keep things to keep things bottled in. I compartmentalize things, keep smiling and cheerful and jokey, and whenever any of my boxes threaten to open up I slam it right back down again. I need to crack on with things. I can't let myself think about myself think about things, or cry. I need to be strong. I can't drop the ball. I need to wise up and stop thinking about things - my silly feelings - which in the long run, don't matter.

on a positive note, first probation meeting went well. Manager seems to think I'm doing OK and has noticed I'm helping other people. He says I've got a good opportunity and to keep my out for opportunities - eg volunteering etc - as it'll all go for me for promotion

I'm so tired. Dog kept me up half the night being a little bugger. I'm just tired, of everything. Just want to lie down and have it all stop and my mind shut up for a bit. When I'm asleep I get the most peace. And when I wake up again it starts at 100 miles an hour

I can feel slipping into feeling maudlin/down. I've messaged a friend, just saying 'hi'. See, cocodamol doesn't give me the come down drink does. I get teary/emotional on drink, I think too much. Cocodamol just makes me happy and sleepy. How can that be a bad thing?!

You keep making excuses about why you need to take it.

There’s is no acceptable reason for you to take it. Even if you’re in pain, you can’t take it.

The way you are posting, it’s clear you are going to suffer from addictions until you seen meaningful psychological help. You are avoidance coping, and will ‘avoid’ using one harmful behaviour after another.

I’m sorry to be harsh, but you need to hear this. No excuse is acceptable, no ‘I’d rather not go to the doctor, I know that’s bad and you’ll judge me’ will suffice.

You either seek meaningful change and get help, or this will be your life for 10 years+.
It’ll get worse and worse.

Seek help now

To put into context: I have a very, very stressful job. I would never dream of drinking on a work night, or using anything to sleep or escape.

You need to process your emotions by feeling them. If I feel stressed, I let myself feel stressed. If I’m down, I think about why I fee down, and allow myself to feel it.

But it is a bad thing, you take it in doses that will be harmful to your body. You will damage your liver. I’ve seen people die of liver failure from drug overdoses and it’s horifix. Your need for this drug has had you resorting to lying and stealing to get it. It doesn’t give you a hangover but you’re experiencing a come down from it now.

Go to your GP, talk to them about your low mood. Look at medication that stabilises your mood instead of giving you a high. Can you a narcotics anonymous group? Seek some professional help from someone - you’re struggling to kick this on your own and you really, trally

chew I get what you're saying, but if I let myself feel, it's worse. I feel even more upset and it affects me. At least if I hide things and keep things in I function ok.

I know something needs to change. I do want to get help and think counselling would be ok for me. But I'm not ready to broadcast it to the world, especially not my parents. As I don't drive the only way not to broadcast counselling to them would be by doing it when I move out. Plus the fact counselling will no doubt touch on my relationship with my parents and that'll be tough enough to face, let alone facing it while living with my parents

I imagine your relationship with your parents and your upbringing are the root cause of all this.

Look, you don’t have to announce it to the world, but you have to accept the situation. You’re an addict.

Rationalising and downplaying what your doing doesn’t mean you aren’t an addict.

You need to take responsibility for yourself. How old are you? Why can’t you drive? Also, plenty of people can’t drive and can get themselves to work and appointments. It sounds like you are unhealthily enmeshed with your parents.
Why don’t you want them to know you are having counselling? They know you have issues, they’ve found out you are addicted to codeine! Is it because your family believe that mental health problems are shameful and you should just ‘get on with things’?

You deserve a meaningful life, doing the same things other people your age are doing. Are your parents the sort of people who like to keep you close, and stifle your independence? Good parenting is to encourage independence in your children.

May I ask (don’t respond if you don’t want to) - have you ever experienced abuse?

My parents are very involved, especially mam. Even though they've found out they think it was just a blip and I'm ok now. I did try telling mam I felt down but her advice was just to forget it and carry on. That I'm young and what could I possibly have to worry about, and it wasn't fair to land this on them. That things would get better now I have a new job.

Mam especially doesn't like me having my independence. When I got my UCAS results and got into uni her first response wasn't 'well done' but to cry at me leaving her. When I was doing my A Levels I'd often come home to find her crying on the sofa at the thought of me going. She begged me now to go.

I have experienced abuse, physical and emotional. I've done safeguarding training in adulthood and some of the footage we've had to watch of emotional abuse reminds me of my childhood. I was and still am told I cause mam's MH issues. She and dad argued a lot when I was a child and I was told it was my fault for causing problems, which confused me as in all the Jacqueline Wilson books the parents assured the kids it wasn't their fault.

Dad's got more volatile in his old age and can get nasty. He's hit me a few times, though I can block his punches now. It rarely happens now, the last time was back last year. Mam is worse, her moods do and have always ruled everything. I bit my nails as a kid and once she tied gloves to my hands to stop me, I still hate wearing gloves now. She's hitten me (in childhood, last time was last August when she was remorseful) and made me cry more times than I can remember. She's scrammed my arms with a comb, when I told my head of year he passed it off as normal growing up which infuriates me, she's dragged me by my hair and punched me etc. With dad I'm confident enough to at least block him. Not mam, I'd just lie there and take it.
I've got PCOS and have been told 'I'm like a man', have been told to kill myself etc.

When I was in uni I got stronger. I'd stand up for myself and not talk to her, helped by the fact that I lived away. Now I'm home it's harder, it's like I've given up. For two pins I'd move out, but job is only a temp one. I'm scared it I moved out now but couldn't find a job I'd have to move back home. And though staying home is hard, moving out, having that freedom and then moving home again, would be worse

Truth be told I've not dealt with feelings properly in years, I wouldn't know where to begin. From the age of 11 I drank when I was hurt, upset or stressed. Not to the level of drinking every day but I used it as a crutch. I was bullied a lot too and for a short time took alcohol in an empty pop bottle to school, to cope. They found out (someone told on me) and I was excluded for a few days at 12. I had counselling afterwards but all it really did for me was teach me how to hide things better

Maybe it's why I want to work in a supporting role, helping others, especially children. I know what it's like.

Oh sweetheart, it’s no surprise you want to block everything out. The Jaqueline Wilson books touched my heart, I was once a lonely young girl reading them too.

You need to focus on yourself now. Get out of that house as soon as you can.
You could start by being arranging counselling, and telling your parents that’s what your doing. It sounds like they won’t like it, perhaps because it’s a way for you to make yourself stronger and separate from them. What you discuss in counselling is your business, they don’t need to know.

You aren’t responsible for your mums health problems, or your parents arguing. You aren’t responsible for them full stop. They are adults, and responsible for their own lives and happiness. You sacrificing yours won’t help them, and they shouldn’t be asking you to.

You’re using codejne is to numb yourself to the situation, so you can stay in it as you’ve been made to feel that you are responsible for your parents happiness. If you carry on using, you’ll be trapped there for longer.

It’s time to face up to what’s happening, and take steps to ensure you’re freedom and happiness was. That won’t happen over night, but you can make steps now. Get yooudaelf some counselling, stop avoidance coping, save your money and try to build a life away from your parents. That’s not to say you need to cut them out, but you need your own life.

Every tablet you take will keep you there, and push the future you want a little bit further away. It’s numbing you from making the painful changes you desperately need to make.

I wish you all the best. Hopefully you’ll look back on this in a few years as your darkest times before you became the person you want to be.

Op you are doing really well in a really difficult situation. It sounds like you might be living in an area where there arent many jobs? Are you going to be able to save whilst living at home with df and dm?

I am really sad to hear you tried to tell your teacher about your Mum hurting you and you werent heard or helped. Thats shit.

None of what happened to you as a child was your fault, Jacqueline Wilson was right, but life can be a bit different.

Hows work going? Are you getting more confident in your tasks?

Also - it sounds like your mum could be a narcissist, or have a personality disorder.
Look up Fear Obligation Guilt, it sounds like that’s what your dealing with xx

Ok so the goal is to work with children and help people like yourself. But to do that you need to invest in yourself first and get well.

You need to confront this head on, no excuses about managing it yourself. Your issues are deep rooted and are bigger than you can deal with alone. The sooner you acknowledge that the better.

chew it’s stupid, but I’m too scared of telling them I’m going counselling. Mam will rubbish it, go on about how I should forget stuff, and it’d just be the ‘you druggie’ stuff all over again.

I want to move out. I’ve seen a job advert for a job that is 4 and a half hours away by train, and I’m going to apply and hopefully get it. There aren’t many jobs at all. The nearest city to me is 15 miles away, there’s crap travel links round by me, and the city is a small city anyway. Writing all that stuff about the abuse had me in tears just remembering. There’s more memories, stuff that comes back that I’d almost forgotten about, stuff that seems so distant and unbelievable that I’m not sure it’s true, but it is. I’m saving as well, so that once I find a permanent job I can move out.

As an adult now it’s unbelievable to think what happened when I tried telling my teacher. Knowing what I do about the safeguarding procedures etc, it’s terrible. This wasn’t years ago either, was about 2008/2009ish so no excuse as to being ‘the olden days’.

Work is going ok, I’m getting more into the swing of it now. A few people are unhappy because we’re going to be on the phones more but I’m not bothered. I do ask for help quite a bit but we’re helping each other a lot, and I’ve found I’m able to help others out so that’s really good.