It's been a major flashback reading your threads.
I just want to tell you that if you want to, you will get past it. The cravings, the triggers, the comedowns, the can't turn em down freebies, the "OHFKWOTDIDIDONSAY" moments. They fade. I promise. Takes a little work distracting yourself sometimes, but you can. And kids matter. You promise them better than you offered yourself, right?
Some of us didn't make it. 
. I think you need to know that. It was never deliberate. But many of us are still here and life is pretty cool. We may be ageing disgracefully, but ...hey, we earnt it! 
You learn to do other things with your life, toot... not so much. We even ended up as mums. You cannot imagine how unlikely that seemed to us at times.
If you want a blast from the future...telling your kids ain't easy. They notice you know, even when you think they don't. That's a bugger when you find that out. We all thought we were so discrete, but turns out we weren't. (No surprise really, they heard us whittering on, all night, and sat on the stairs to listen. 
)
Clean? I don't know. If someone polished a granite surface right now (no names mentioned!) ....I dunno. Not been in that place for years. That was a choice I made, and others around me.....we got pregnant, travelled, or got fat jobs, so other stuff became more important, took over our days and nights, gave us other things to think about. Things to do.
I just am dropping in to say, I am here to prove you can leave it in your past - till you spot a MN thread and spend days reliving it, wondering!
But nah! I hate those fkn comedowns and boy, can I talk shite with the best of ya?! You are all doing great, and if anyone ever needs an armband chucking in, I am here, with my snorkel and a spare surfboard strapped to my chest to stop me being tempted help.