Help needed for severely matted hair for housebound teen

[Clockworkbanana]

I need urgent help with severely matted hair. My teen dd is housebound, hasn’t been out for over 2 years and has severe OCD / anxiety and autism.
Her hair has become severely matted due to not washing it or brushing it. We tried to have a go at detangling it dry, it didn’t work, so looked up advice / videos online and said to try olive oil to give it enough slip…tried that, no good, tried conditioner, no good. She ended up putting a tiny bit of shampoo on the mat to get rid of some oil but then after that she was exhausted and distraught, so gave up.
With her OCD, she hates having stuff on her hair or skin, so this is like her worst nightmare.
Her hair is really long and fine, there was split which we managed to undo a bit but the rest is just swallowed up in the matted bit.
She won’t go anywhere to see a professional hairdresser and I’m finding it difficult to find someone to come to the house.
I’ve ordered some African pride moisture miracle pre shampoo and also some
cowboy detangler after looking online.
Can anyone help? Any suggestions? I’m just devastated it’s gotten this bad and I just feel awful for her. I dont want her to lose her hair, it’s literally the only bit of her she ever liked 😔

I don’t have an answer but want to show solidarity as I know how complex it is having a child with severe OCD. Mine hasn’t attended school for two years. He does let me use the clippers on his hair (which currently resembles Lego hair, it’s so thick and clumped together) but it’s like one of those don’t touch the wire games because I have to be so careful not to cause him distress. He feels more comfortable if I wear disposable gloves and then I can work on his hair for a bit longer. He would struggle to let a hairdresser or barber anywhere near him. Someone coming into the house would actually be worse for him than going to them. Every decision is an absolute minefield. I hope you find a solution. Long hair is so much harder to sort. And I hope your daughter manages to get on top of this awful, awful illness.

This one of my dc has ridiculously thick hair and someyimes brushes the top so ends up with this massive bird nest at the back underneath. Wet hair and condition, leave for twenty minutes under a shower cap with a towel on top to keep it warm then take a wide tooth comb and gently tease it out from ends working your way up in small sections. Dip comb in warm water as it keeps everything loose. Do it in small sections, if you take a break, braid the detangled bit and top up with more conditioner cut with with a bit of warm water to restart.

I’d distract with a film on pad and snacks. It can take a few hours tbh

My daughter has insane curly hair at at times it’s got mats in, often when she’s poorly and is tossing and turning in bed. I do this with normal scissors. Just cut through the middle of the mat and get at it.

I've got a child with long fine hair who is averse to having it touched so it often ends up matted. We use garnier hair food leave in conditioner that comes in a big tub and I settle her down on the floor in front of a movie with her favourite snacks and I sit behind her and slather on the conditioner and then work through the tugs from the bottom to the top. It is painstaking, but it does eventually work. You need to concentrate on getting the tugs out of the bottom inch of hair and then work up to the next inch and so forth until you've worked through it all. The good thing about that conditioner is that it seems to dry in without leaving too much residue which is really helpful in terms of keeping the hair tangle free. You can of course rinse it out when you're finished and you'll still get some benefit from it.

Thank you so much for all your help, suggestions and links. You’ve all been so lovely and the poster that said this is where mumsnet comes in to its own is right! It does help to see how many other people have come out the other side.

Really tough night with her, she’s in a very dark place. In terms of her shaving her hair / cutting it short, I know in an ideal
world that would be the best solution, but she’s so fragile already and her hair used to be the only thing she liked about herself 😔

She has gone through so much and lives a life that I don’t think anyone would want to live, so I don’t think there are any lessons to be learned that she hasn’t already. She hates her existence, she would love to live a normal life and go out, but it took a long time to get this bad, I guess it’ll take a long time to work towards anything resembling normality and she does know that.

@thestudio, I contacted the service you posted a link for and even though they’re based in London, he said if I sent photos / video then he could give some advice on what to do next, so that’s amazing, thank you!

OP, if it were not possible to untangle it yourself, is there perhaps a small chance that she would go with you in the car to a small local salon which was very quiet?

If she were willing, you could speak to the hairdresser in advance to explain and ask for their help. They might even offer to see her after closing.

This happened to me as a teen (I'm also autistic and was severely depressed) so my heart goes out to you.

My sister had to attack my matts several days in a row with a wide toothed plastic shower comb and a shedload of normal cheap conditioner. No pulling when things get stuck.

Remember that you can always try cutting the matting off bit by bit and seeing if it becomes easier to detangle, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

If she's happy for you to keep working at it for a couple of hours at a time you will get there eventually. Try different combs and brushes to get a feel for what works. My autistic DD had a big matt as a younger child because she preferred to brush her own hair but I didn't realise she was only doing the top layer. But we did get it out with maybe 4 or 5 combing sessions. I think we just used detangling spray. After that if you can plait it for her after washing it should help.

Not what you asked for, but how does she get to places like the dentist? Hair is one thing, it grows back, but teeth don’t.

She doesn't need to cut it op, and the better "lesson" will be the perseverance of getting it out.

Just work inch by inch up to the head then when you reach the big matt, work at it from each side. Keep applying conditioner as necessary.

Reassure her its a matter of time.

Would she let the hairdresser come to the house? Sorry if I have missed the answer to that.

Good luck op. My advice is just to tackle small sections at a time, start at the bottom, very gradually separate parts of it out. Comb is best. Bit of conditioner spray. Don’t wash it.

My youngest sister had dreads as a teen and absolutely hated them, wouldn’t go back to the hairdressers or leave the house she was so upset. Me and my older sister spent about a week gradually getting them all out. She had incredibly thick hair which the hairdressers had also tightly permed as part of the dreads process so at the beginning I thought it would be impossible. It was a very slow process, combing small sections at the bottom, gradually working through just a bit at a time. Lots of rest breaks. We did manage to do it!

There have been times when I've not been able to face the sensations associated with brushing my teeth. I think most people would agree that having healthy oral tissues is essential. If sensory problems could be overcome by reasoning alone, I wouldn't have to cut the nylon labels out of all my clothes.

Replies like yours demonstrate why autistic people should opt for separatism away from the neurotypicals. At the very least, we need our own gatekept forums to keep the people who have no experience of autistic life out.

Good luck OP and DD!

And for those posters who rolled their eyes and said 'just cut it all off' to an autistic teenager who is so depressed and afraid that she cannot leave the house and whose hair is all she feels ok about - well, shame.

I have a positive update!

From the link that @thestudio posted, I contacted Matted Hair London and spoke to a wonderful man named Vitalii.

He has been amazing! He’s sent me links to products that I can use at home and is sending me some instructions to try and guide me to help de-mat her hair over the next few days.

I can post updates here so hopefully if anyone else faces this situation, it can help them too 🤞I’m really touched and so grateful for all of you and him!

Now lets hope that I can do this 🙏

Lovely, thanks for updating and every best wish for you and yours. A new beginning!

Wonderful update!

Off you pop then.

The vast majority of people are not autistic and this was a forum for everyone last time I checked.

brilliant!

Yes it is a forum for all. However in this case, OP said that her DD has autism. The posters you quoted were answering in that context.
Autism and its effects on OP’s DD’s relationship with and feeling about her hair are really integral to the problem OP asked for assistance with.

OP - you sound like a fantastic person and a wonderful mum. Best of luck.

Wow! Aren't you a peach! You contradicted yourself too, "a forum for everyone", yet wants autistic posters to "off you pop". Fuck off.

Erm, the point is that the OP’s DD has autism which is a) why the situation with her hair has arisen and b) is why is it difficult to help her with the untangling.

So, yes, while this is not an Autism specific forum - this question WAS shaped by the teen concerned being autistic.

So off you pop, yeah?

Good luck, and you can do this. There may be a little damage, but with conditioning and perhaps a trim once it’s detangled to tidy it up, it will grow out. Reiterate the benefits of leave in detangling spray, night time plaiting and a silk pillow case to help prevent it getting this bad again in the future though.

She’s a lucky girl to have you in her corner.

@clockworkbanana- the advice here is brilliant so I hope something works.

Just wanted to say, once it’s de-matted, if your DD would wear a silk or satin bonnet to bed and/or sleep on a silk or satin pillowcase this will help massively to keep it knot free. The friction from cotton increases frizz and knottiness IMO.

Lots of makes are available but the best I’ve used are from Only Curls www.onlycurls.com

I’ve sent you a DM