Help needed for severely matted hair for housebound teen

[Clockworkbanana]

I need urgent help with severely matted hair. My teen dd is housebound, hasn’t been out for over 2 years and has severe OCD / anxiety and autism.
Her hair has become severely matted due to not washing it or brushing it. We tried to have a go at detangling it dry, it didn’t work, so looked up advice / videos online and said to try olive oil to give it enough slip…tried that, no good, tried conditioner, no good. She ended up putting a tiny bit of shampoo on the mat to get rid of some oil but then after that she was exhausted and distraught, so gave up.
With her OCD, she hates having stuff on her hair or skin, so this is like her worst nightmare.
Her hair is really long and fine, there was split which we managed to undo a bit but the rest is just swallowed up in the matted bit.
She won’t go anywhere to see a professional hairdresser and I’m finding it difficult to find someone to come to the house.
I’ve ordered some African pride moisture miracle pre shampoo and also some
cowboy detangler after looking online.
Can anyone help? Any suggestions? I’m just devastated it’s gotten this bad and I just feel awful for her. I dont want her to lose her hair, it’s literally the only bit of her she ever liked 😔

I have two autistic daughters so I have a lot of experience with this.
We use a unicorn detangling brush from Tescos. Wet or dry hair but with an intensive conditioner (better if it’s in a spray bottle mixed with water) and soak the matted hair with it.
Start by brushing the very ends while holding above it so it doesn’t pull her scalp.
As you free up the hair, move upwards a little bit and brush from a little higher.
If you manage to get any sections free of tangles, and you need a break, plait it and put a hair tie in until you’ve finished dematting it all or it will tangle again as she sleeps.
I wish I was close to you because I’d come and do it for you! I’m in Wales.
Best of luck

Avon have a hair balm in a tub, with avocado i think, that worked a treat for this using an afro comb when wet. It's reasonably priced and really softened the hair too - we found the detangling sprays we tried were too light and sticky which didn't help, whereas the balm separated the hair and was way less stressful.

@Clockworkbanana Hi OP

Sorry your DD is going through hair-clump horror 🤗

I had long hair (quite fine, but masses of it and wavy) as a child, and would get matted knots and clumps seemingly out of nowhere. They could be from almond-sized to walnut. My grandmother called them "cobs" and would (try to 😂 hah!) chase me all around the house with a bristle hair brush.

My advice to your DD, once the knots are gone, is to use Paul Mitchell "The Detangler" conditioner after shampooing in the shower, every single wash, and comb through gently with an afro comb while the conditioner is still in. It's the best conditioner, a bit expensive but she will only need a little bit (literally a hazelnut-size) if she uses it every day, or at a minimum every 3 days.

Sorry, I seem to be fixated on things being varying kinds of nut-sized on this post..!

But first to get rid of the knots/clumps. As a PP said earlier, I would get DD to sit on a cushion/beanie in front of you on the sofa. Choose a long movie to watch. It's the weekend, so...

Putting an elastic hair-tie between her scalp and the "cob" won't work, because you'd still be pulling on her scalp.

I suggest you hold the piece of hair just above the knot with fingers and thumb of one hand, and pull the clump back towards her scalp, rest your fingers on her scalp while holding tight above the knot, so there's no tension. With a pick, or a prong of the afro comb, gently pick and pull. X

Mane & tail and a flexible wet brush would be a good start. Start at the bottom and work up, do 20 mins 3/4 times a day platting anything you untangle.

I’ve been in that situation before and eventually just got a sort of pixie cut and grew it out. I don’t think extreme matting is worth saving to be honest, it’s just going to be a bunch of broken damaged hair and huge loss of volume.

My daughter’s hair will only detangle when wet. Maybe you’ll have better luck after it’s been washed and conditioned?

We’ve just had another look and it’s all kind of oily matted now 🙈 It looks worse but not sure. This was a result of the stuff we used last night. We’re leaving until tomorrow as I’ve not slept for 2 days now and I need to have a
plan A, B, C etc.
Will wetting it with a conditioner / water spray be a good idea? Or shall I try the pre shampoo moisture? Soooo confused, all good advice but scared I pick the wrong one for her! I wish we’d never started it yesterday before I asked on here!

We've been working with psychiatrist and OT to try and get her out, but a long way to go yet sadly.

How long is her hair, OP?

OP sorry if I'm the eighth person to say this but if the problem is that she can't bear to leave greasy/slippery stuff in her hair, it's completely fine to put the stuf on, work away at the matte for as long as she will tolerate it, then wash it out and begin another session teh following day.

Work from the very outer edges of the matte all around, in an imaginary band of about 5mm. Detangle that band, then move slowly towards the centre of the ball. Once it's stopped being so ball-like, you can work from the bottom up, towards the scalp.

OP further to my above post - this looks good, a UK company called 'matted.co.uk' has produced a DIY guide

It came up because i googled whether oil or silicone based products were better - silicone wins hands down. I think some nit lotion is dimethicone based - I remember how very slippery it was! So maybe wash out the oil gently and get some of that.

Google says:
"Why Silicone Wins for Slip

• Instant Slip: Silicones (like dimethicone or amodimethicone) coat individual hair strands to create an ultra-smooth, low-friction surface. This allows tangled hairs to slide past one another rather than locking tighter. 1, 2, 3]
• Targeted Control: They provide maximum detangling lubrication right where you apply it without needing to saturate the core of the hair with heavy lipids. 1]

Why Heavy Oils Can Fail

• The Sinking/Stiffening Problem: Heavy natural oils like olive oil or standard coconut oil can compress knots, make the hair sticky, or—in cooler room temperatures—semi-solidify and cement the matted strands further together. 1, 2]
• Friction Increase: Instead of lubricating a dense knot, raw oils can sometimes create a tacky barrier that traps shed hairs and dirt inside the mat. [, 2]

Haven't rtft so I apologise. But I occasionally get videos come up in my FB feed and I had one last week of a UK salon where the lady had had a newborn who was very poorly, scraped her hair back into a bun and it just turned into a solid lump, and they did an amazing job fixing it whilst being sensitive to the ladies needs.
Could you find such a video/a video and show it to your DD? Wondering if it would be enough of a help to persuade her to go and see a specialist like that? Alternatively pages like that might either give advice if you message them or have hints for things that will help on their page?

I can’t add anything to the detangling ideas, but I wondered if setting a timer for a length of time she can manage (ask her how long she wants to go for), and stopping when the timer is up for an agreed break - maybe ten minutes of detangling and 2 minute break? Agree in advance that you’ll do three sessions (or whatever) before stopping for a longer rest. That might help her feel more in control of the process. And just stay very calm and put music on if a film is too long?

I heartily recommend hask oil, the tiny bottle that is £3 on amazon . It doesn’t leave much of a greasy residue. Wash hair and condition . Then when rinsed before drying, smother in hask oil and very gently kind of massage the hair with your fingers as if you’re making breadcrumbs with flour and butter. Then gently tease with a tangle teaser, starting at the ends in short strokes against the palm of your hand.

Put conditioner on the knot before you start picking! 🤗

Just wanted to wish you luck and send you strength! I have been in this exact same position with my DD several times and it’s not easy. Sitting her in front of you and watching a box set of something really helps to keep everyone relaxed and I used to find a comb was much easier than the tangle teaser. The tangle teaser seemed to just scratch over the surface whereas with the comb you can kind of tease a few hairs at a time out of the knot.

We always managed to sort it in the end and miraculously, her hair was in perfectly good condition once we’d prised it out of the mat, so don’t give up hope!

@Clockworkbanana
I've not read the whole thread but when my son's hair was matted and lumpy I used a knitting needle to.gradually unpick the knots .
This was effective when all the sprays and oils and conditioners weren't.
I'm so sorry you're grappling with this as well as your daughter's other difficulties.

I’m mum to an autistic daughter who also struggles with the sensory sensation of having her hair brushed and suffers with tangled hair as a result. An absolute god send for us is the Johnsons detangling shampoo and the leave in spray conditioner! Also a wet brush which seems to help not hurt as much

If it’s a true mat you’ll need to cut it out. Maybe it’ll teach her a lesson?

It’s going to be a long process. But shampoo and condition her hair with something moisturising and that will make the hair silky. I like Ouai fine hair shampoo and medium conditioner. But understand it’s expensive. Then while it’s wet, squeeze out most of water you’re gonna spray it with Umberto Giananni detangling spray the banana coconut pink bottle one. You’re going to brush the big matte of hair with a WetBrush original detangler. You’ll start to see some hair will loosen. Spray again. Brush again. Spray again. Brush again until it starts to loosen enough that you can start to break it down into sections of matted hair. Work on one section. Get it detained. Loosely plait it. Then next section. It could take days though as you don’t want to overwhelm daughter.

Really wet the hair, and work slowly (very slowly) up from the ends.

Wet hair the is the key thing, absolutely nothing will work on dry hair.

Trust me, I have done this many times. I wish I didnt know what I know.

Gently keep brushing, it will work out eventually. But put aside a whole day and be patient, dont give up.

Oh yeah, thats a good thing for a kid who hasnt left the house in 2 years and has ADHD, severe anxiety and OCD......make her feel unsafe in the home as well as out of it!

FFS.......

I think the main take home is that it doesn’t matter which product you use, it’s just going to take time and patience. There isn’t a quick or easy fix. The best advice was snacks and a film. Good luck!

I really feel for you. Luckily, human hair is not like cat hair, which goes into a solid felt like lump. There is hope, keep at it. Definitely try small metal combs rather than the Tangle Teezer. From the edges, soaked with a conditioner or similar product, a bit at a time. I did a human hair wig once and it took hours but it is possible. Good luck.

When I get bad mats it has to be a shower or bath job. Soaking the hair and even trying to gently prise apart under water. You need to get it split into sections to enable brushing. Otherwise it just gets tighter. Lots of slip (conditioner), lots of finger massage work. When you have smaller sections you can then work with those.

It is actually just not an accurate post anyway.

It can always be detangled if you are prepared to work at it long enough. Cutting it is giving up - which is fine if you want to, but not an inevitable.

The other thing OP, is sometimes as you come to the end, it all suddenly detangles at a much faster pace - so don't give up.