Nursery Fees Ate My Botox Budget!!

[Kerrik]

Excuse the sensational title! And please don’t come at me because I already know how First World Problems this sounds, but honestly… what am I missing here?

Early 40s. One toddler. London. Two-bed flat. Nursery fees that currently resemble a second mortgage (£1,000 a month). Actual mortgage now £2,500 a month because apparently interest rates hikes decided we’d all had enough joy in life.

I earn £75k a year working for a giant billion dollar tech company, husband earns slightly more, and yet by the end of the month we both seem to just sit there and stare at each other thinking “where did it all go??!!”

We haven’t had a holiday in two years. Saving? Hilarious. Moving to somewhere bigger? Only if we win the Euromillions or discover a wealthy elderly relative we didn’t know about.

But the thing that’s genuinely getting me down is this: I feel like I can no longer afford to maintain myself as a middle-aged woman. Not in a glamorous Real Housewives way… just basic “try not to look like a sack of old s**t” way.

Hair = £200. Botox = apparently now the GDP of a small nation. Nails, beauty treatments, supplements, veneers, replacing make-up / skincare products… all somehow seem impossible now.

Before child + mortgage apocalypse + cost of living crisis, these things were manageable. Now every salon appointment feels like I’m applying for a bank loan.

And yes, I know Botox and balayage are luxuries before anyone tells me people are living off beans. I do know that. But I also work really hard, climbed the career ladder, got the degree, did all the supposedly sensible life things, and I honestly thought by your 40s you’d reached the stage of life where you casually booked a haircut without first checking three banking apps and briefly considering selling your kidney on the black market.

Meanwhile everyone else online appears to have:

• immaculate hair
• matching gym sets
• glowing skin
• extensions
• bi-monthly spa days
• houses with utility rooms
• holidays in Tuscany
• children called Rafferty doing forest school in cashmere

HOW?

Are people secretly in massive debt? Is everyone getting parental help? Are there just far more seriously wealthy people around than I realised? Or am I catastrophically bad with money?

Because right now I genuinely feel like I’ve worked all this time just to become a permanently tired woman in a tiny London flat Googling “how long can Botox realistically last” to ensure I get my moneys worth!

Ever heard of income tax?? They don’t have 150K net.

None of the school or nursery mums I know look anything like you've described. Where on earth are you getting this idea from? Unfollow those IG accounts!

I get my hair cut once every 3 months, about £70 a time. No colour. Never used Botox (and I know only one person who does) and don't have time to get facials or other treatments. Don't get my nails done because I have concerns about the prevalence of modern slavery in the nail bar industry and because when would I have time. Buy my clothes secondhand off Vinted because there's enough stuff in this world already.

40yr old mum of 3 - Please show me these instaperfect lifestyles, I too would love to know the secret. Alas! That's just it. It's influencers - They get paid for selling cheap tat. What you earn will be much more valuable and worthwhile. Be proud that what you have has been earned with hard graft. You're right, however that we shouldn't all be breaking our backs to be poor ..it's not fair. We should be able to enjoy the fruits of our labour.

Every time I get my hair done, I feel so guilty. Every time I treat myself and husband, I am left questioning whether I should have spent that on my children, instead. I'm torn between healthy wellbeing, or walking around looking like a family of tramps.

You're earning in excess of 150k as a household a year and you can't manage? I think that tells you its time to move out of London.

So go to a cheaper part of London or outside London 🤷‍♀️ plenty of transport links! Or get a mobile hairdresser to come to your house and save you time and £, dye your own hair from a box - that blond tv presenter does it! - and get a cut every few months instead as it’s not essential!

veneers also aren’t essential for normal people!! Neither is Botox or spending £ every month on makeup! Buy budget foxes that are £30-40 and have £2-300 worth of products in of skincare and makeup! A bottle of foundation lasts 4-6 months for most people, same with a mascara!

These posts are just engagement for mumsnet at this point I fear.

I understand now why I don't feel poor. I spend no money whatsoever on any of this beauty stuff. Still, if you feel so unhappy at not being able to have it, then the marketing must really work, so kudos to them.

Is the problem that you live in London and everything is more expensive there?

My husband and I earn a lot less than you and your husband (about £5000 after tax between us monthly). He's full time, I'm part time, that keeps the nursery bill down as we only pay for 3 days and there's some free hours to use.

I'd imagine our money goes a lot further as we're in the north east though. Our mortgage on our 4 bed detached house is lower than yours (but still our biggest expense) and probably the nursery fees too (around £450 a month). Getting my hair cut and dyed is £45. We do have holidays and a nice car but we don't worry too much about what we're spending.

Have you considered living outside of London and commuting in instead? I had a family member who did that on simular wages, they had a very nice lifestyle, multiple holidays a year, spent freely and a good sized house doing it that way.

I have to agree here. Our income is less than 3/4 of yours and we manage with holidays and things. I make different choices such as cheaper hair cut but polished looking doesnt have to be fake. Just look smart, ironed clothes, tidy hair, brush teeth appropriately etc.

I have paid a LOT of nursery fees but never once had Botox and I am not shunned for my appearance.

There is a life outside insta! Come join us!

I'd say your money is in the right place.

ETA holidays are important though. Over-spending on beauty treatments is just silly. Most people I know who do it look worse and worse ...

I earn £80k a year and can no longer afford to get my hair cut / dyed.

Just stopping watching crappy Instagram videos. Get a cheaper haircut, don't bother with toxic Botox, use things like better moisturiser, drink more water. And yes, it might mean you don't look as polished, but hey, how many people do you know who really have the time and money for all of that?

Problems solved.😆💪

I have a utility room 😉 but that’s it ( and that’s because I live semi rural in Scotland 🤣)

And ime "polished" is from time to time a synonym for "a bit tacky."

I don't think a heavily curated look is always attractive.

75k isn't a huge amount to earn in London! Obviously you can't afford £200 a month on highlights.. just do your hair at home.

We earn a similar amount to you and your partner and we definitely don't feel anywhere near rich here in London, especially with nursery fees.

I think you might need to reframe your idea of yourself -- you're not high earners, it's a relatively average income in your area.

All the people you're seeing online probably earn over £150k plus per person, there are a LOT of high earners here, more than you think.

thats for 2 cars! How much is tax and insurance in uk?! Ireland has very high costs!

its £17.50 a month if it cost less than £40k when new, if it was more than £40k it is £56 a month. Insurance will depend, if you don’t do many miles, don’t use it to commute and you’ve got a lot of no claims bonus then maybe £300 a year (ours is £425 a year) if your younger and don’t have any no claims bonus it will be a lot more - one of the girls in my office pays £2,100 for her mini.
MOT/service maybe £250-300 if there isn’t anything wrong with it, but there will be tyres, new brake pads, windscreen wipers etc needing doing even if it is mechanically ok. We have monzo pot of £600 a month for our car which is for all car expenses inc petrol, we own it outright but won’t be able to afford to replace it without finance unless things change. It’s 7 years old so hoping we might be able to save a bit towards a new one once DS starts school.

It’s got everything this post hasn’t it; high income, London living, Botox, beauty pressures. What a slam dunk.

Don't worry, you're not too far off perimenopause when you will stop giving a shit about what you look like and how other people see you. It's the most glorious, freeing thing ever, I thoroughly recommend it.

This post really made me chuckle.

It's so true - especially the part about Rafferty.

I haven't cut my hair for 6 months and all of my clothes are from ASDA...

To cut beauty costs, see if you can find the time to use your local college that trains beauty therapists and hairdressers. It does take time and is only during terms, but the trainees are all really well supervised.

I used to go to an upmarket gym where everyone wore matching outfits, often for only a month. They bought them in Primark!

Lots of ways to have what you want cheaply!

You're bringing in over £9k per month, with half going on mortgage and nursery - wtf are you doing with £4½k that you can't afford a haircut???

Cut your own nails, dye your own hair and ditch the Botox?

I guarantee you won’t look like a sack of shit if your nails are polished, your hair has no roots and your makeup is nicely done.

Well, you're spending it on something.

You must be bringing home, between you, about £8k a month. Your mortgage and nursery fees total £3.5k. So where did the other £4.5k go?

Your "leftovers" is the same as our total income each month and we actually find our life very comfortable. I don't know anyone who spends £1000s a month on beauty treatments and holidays, but we manage to get a haircut and a couple of weeks in the sun every so often.

One of the best haircuts I ever got was by a college trainee. Cut and highlights - ten pounds. These days I colour my hair with pound land hair dye or super drug and my nails are pound land too. For some people these are luxuries. Not basics