Nursery Fees Ate My Botox Budget!!

[Kerrik]

Excuse the sensational title! And please don’t come at me because I already know how First World Problems this sounds, but honestly… what am I missing here?

Early 40s. One toddler. London. Two-bed flat. Nursery fees that currently resemble a second mortgage (£1,000 a month). Actual mortgage now £2,500 a month because apparently interest rates hikes decided we’d all had enough joy in life.

I earn £75k a year working for a giant billion dollar tech company, husband earns slightly more, and yet by the end of the month we both seem to just sit there and stare at each other thinking “where did it all go??!!”

We haven’t had a holiday in two years. Saving? Hilarious. Moving to somewhere bigger? Only if we win the Euromillions or discover a wealthy elderly relative we didn’t know about.

But the thing that’s genuinely getting me down is this: I feel like I can no longer afford to maintain myself as a middle-aged woman. Not in a glamorous Real Housewives way… just basic “try not to look like a sack of old s**t” way.

Hair = £200. Botox = apparently now the GDP of a small nation. Nails, beauty treatments, supplements, veneers, replacing make-up / skincare products… all somehow seem impossible now.

Before child + mortgage apocalypse + cost of living crisis, these things were manageable. Now every salon appointment feels like I’m applying for a bank loan.

And yes, I know Botox and balayage are luxuries before anyone tells me people are living off beans. I do know that. But I also work really hard, climbed the career ladder, got the degree, did all the supposedly sensible life things, and I honestly thought by your 40s you’d reached the stage of life where you casually booked a haircut without first checking three banking apps and briefly considering selling your kidney on the black market.

Meanwhile everyone else online appears to have:

• immaculate hair
• matching gym sets
• glowing skin
• extensions
• bi-monthly spa days
• houses with utility rooms
• holidays in Tuscany
• children called Rafferty doing forest school in cashmere

HOW?

Are people secretly in massive debt? Is everyone getting parental help? Are there just far more seriously wealthy people around than I realised? Or am I catastrophically bad with money?

Because right now I genuinely feel like I’ve worked all this time just to become a permanently tired woman in a tiny London flat Googling “how long can Botox realistically last” to ensure I get my moneys worth!

£68 where I live out in the sticks 😁

The people you are looking at might well be earning twice your income ie £150k each.

£1k a month childcare is a steal though - I pay £2300 now. And my mortgage is even higher than yours…!

I gave up on balayage and regular nail treatments a long while ago due to the cost. My luxury is being a member of a gym, and I occasionally go for a pedicure or massage. Thats it on beauty treatments.

You’d pay £68 just for the cut and blow dry in my area.

I don’t prioritise the same things as you but I get it.

We only go on holiday because my parents have holiday homes in the UK. Not been abroad for 3 years but going this summer because they’re paying for school holiday price flights (£8k in economy for 4 of us, nearly had a heart attack). They don’t support in any other way (eg childcare or day to day finances). We have one in nursery part time and it costs £90 a day (not London). We are planning an extension (and utility room) because a relative died, but I’d rather she hadn’t.

I have a friend who takes her kids to the theatre, Peppa Pig world and goes on overseas girls weekends regularly etc whereas I consider a walk in the woods an activity and I hope to god it doesn’t rain. Why? Because she’s never had to pay a penny childcare. Her family all live locally. Her grandmother is younger than my mum and by the time her in laws, separated parents and siblings are added into the mix she gets a lot of help. An extra £1000 a month and no school holiday childcare (£45 per day for holiday club near us) would be life changing. We have different lives.

@Kerrik I’m actually baffled you must have a household income of practically 8k…where is the other 4.5k going if you are not saving and not going on holidays!

I agree with you entirely. None of this nonsense matters. Take pride in your appearance, but if it's costing you hundreds of pounds a month that you can't afford you need to get a grip. Stop trying to look like an influencer who's paid to look fantastic.

Also, I find the whole I did the right thing, worked hard, had children at the right age (about 18 years after your biological peak) thing so cringe inducing. Most people work hard and try to do the right thing, you're not special or superior. Often those who work the hardest and are most crucial to society are the least rewarded for it. As someone who is very comfortable now, I never worked harder than I did in minimum wage jobs and I know many people who agree with me.

The stuff you listed initially Botox/ veneers, see a world away from immaculate skin and good hair- people can eat well and use The Ordinary products etc etc and L’Oréal on deal from their supermarket, they can have gym sets they sourced on vinted or got in a charity shop- that’s not the same as someone looking for your first list so it totally depends!

I do remember a friend of mine saying years ago that she wasn’t having children because she wasn’t sure she could change her lifestyle. She then had two and still looks as good but she said her priorities changed and she was glad and doesn’t miss her lifestyle at all

ps the house with a utility room etc- they’re not people who live in London I’d guess or if they do they live on beans on toast and play board games instead of going out!!!

How are you skint??? Do you have a lot of debt as well to service, car payments? I get life is expensive but you made choices in your 20’s that means you haven’t got the bigger house now, the teenage children starting to work etc. having fun when young and having a dc later has its drawbacks. Also those people who you follow probably live in cheaper places - I live near Bristol and for what you pay you can get a modest house, move further away and you can buy a big house and my hairdresser charges £30 for cut and dry, £75 for colour. I don’t do much cosmetic stuff myself but nails when I’m in the mood (haven’t since Christmas) are £29 per time and it’s £40 for a facial. Multivitamin is £10 for 3 months.

My diamond shoes are so tight 😫

Well it’s true, there are a lot of Raffertys now.

Since the OP didn’t specify, one would assume she’s giving post tax figures. Even assuming pre tax, spunking +50k a year still takes some doing.

Another one here who cant understand why you'd be skint on that wage with that mortgage and nursery bill given by my quick tax calc, with 5% in pension contributions you must take home 4.3k each, so thats 8.6k, minus nursery and mortgage, that 5100. Let's say household bills and food wipe out 2k of that, thats still 3k? Seriously, where is your money going!

Agreed! All of the things listed, bar a hair cut etc, all seem bonkers to me as things to deem necessary.

Op or anyone else for that matter, it’s worth downloading the stepchange budget form (or just use excel) and write down exactly what you spend over a month, see where it is going . You can then trim, prioritise and perhaps pay off extra mortgage or debts too

Well - with a £2.5k mortgage and £1k nursery fees you’d be ‘spunking’ £42k of your £50k.

I love your writing style OP, I enjoyed reading your post.

It’s the kids sadly, put them up for adoption and get them back when they are old enough to not need childcare.

I don’t earn as much as you, about £65k, and I’m on my own, but I understand if you want to maintain your current lifestyle then it’s phenomenally expensive in London to do it. I moved out of London because even on my income, I was struggling. I don’t have all the treatments you do and I only get my hair cut every three months. I would get yourself down to Selfridge’s and talk to the beauty counters to see what they have. You can do a lot of things at home. There’s loads of tutorials online. You need to shop around for hairstylists because £200 is a lot.

It doesn’t get any easier on your budget when your child goes to university. I contribute a lot to my child’s budget. Until they leave education and get a job, they are heinously expensive.

• children called Rafferty doing forest school in cashmere

this made me LOL!!!! But seriously, I hear you, I’m just quietly waiting for my ‘set for life’ lottery investment strategy to pay off so I can retire, grow veggies and have beautiful blonde highlights

I agree with some of the previous posts, I can't believe that you think nails, Botox, veneers, beauty treatments are just normal 'maintaining yourself'. They're really not for the vast majority of people. And I say that as a middle aged woman. Most people don't do all those things and they aren't walking around looking like 'a sack of shit'. You've completely lost perspective

Their combined take home pay is over 150k. Less tax, there’s a conservative 91k left. Less the 42k rent and nursery, that’s still 49k. But each to their own if you feel you’d spend that without noticing.

Sounds like London is your problem? We have an income similar to yours however we have 2 in nursery which is circa 2k a month plus mortgage and others. We still manage to save and go on holiday? I have Botox but not often and have my nails done monthly. Do you have a spreadsheet of where your money goes? Do you spend a lot on food shopping etc?

This!!

I would prioritise savings in OP’s situation btw.

Hair and skin would be secondary but still a priority compared to nails or veneers.

Nails can be easily done at home (just make sure they’re clean, trimmed and moisturise cuticles. That’s enough and professionally done nails won’t substantially elevate a look IME).

And you’re extremely unlikely to actually need veneers…

It’s a shame you think you need botox to not look like a sack of shit.

Skincare would be a necessity to me. Considerably more important than a haircut actually!

I could put my hair in a ponytail or similar style and the haircut won’t matter… skin is pretty much always on show however.

It’s shit isn’t it! We both earn well (and are taxed to oblivion) which leaves little disposable income after all the essential outgoings have been paid.