Nursery Fees Ate My Botox Budget!!

[Kerrik]

Excuse the sensational title! And please don’t come at me because I already know how First World Problems this sounds, but honestly… what am I missing here?

Early 40s. One toddler. London. Two-bed flat. Nursery fees that currently resemble a second mortgage (£1,000 a month). Actual mortgage now £2,500 a month because apparently interest rates hikes decided we’d all had enough joy in life.

I earn £75k a year working for a giant billion dollar tech company, husband earns slightly more, and yet by the end of the month we both seem to just sit there and stare at each other thinking “where did it all go??!!”

We haven’t had a holiday in two years. Saving? Hilarious. Moving to somewhere bigger? Only if we win the Euromillions or discover a wealthy elderly relative we didn’t know about.

But the thing that’s genuinely getting me down is this: I feel like I can no longer afford to maintain myself as a middle-aged woman. Not in a glamorous Real Housewives way… just basic “try not to look like a sack of old s**t” way.

Hair = £200. Botox = apparently now the GDP of a small nation. Nails, beauty treatments, supplements, veneers, replacing make-up / skincare products… all somehow seem impossible now.

Before child + mortgage apocalypse + cost of living crisis, these things were manageable. Now every salon appointment feels like I’m applying for a bank loan.

And yes, I know Botox and balayage are luxuries before anyone tells me people are living off beans. I do know that. But I also work really hard, climbed the career ladder, got the degree, did all the supposedly sensible life things, and I honestly thought by your 40s you’d reached the stage of life where you casually booked a haircut without first checking three banking apps and briefly considering selling your kidney on the black market.

Meanwhile everyone else online appears to have:

• immaculate hair
• matching gym sets
• glowing skin
• extensions
• bi-monthly spa days
• houses with utility rooms
• holidays in Tuscany
• children called Rafferty doing forest school in cashmere

HOW?

Are people secretly in massive debt? Is everyone getting parental help? Are there just far more seriously wealthy people around than I realised? Or am I catastrophically bad with money?

Because right now I genuinely feel like I’ve worked all this time just to become a permanently tired woman in a tiny London flat Googling “how long can Botox realistically last” to ensure I get my moneys worth!

Im going to be a bit annoying so apologies in advance.
Im 45 and I look 30-35 without any botox ( I know this because people of that age relate to me as their peer and cant seem to believe it when i tell them im much older, a mum of 2 teens etc..)

I think botox doesnt look good or young. If you have a good diet with a lot of fresh veg/fruit, have a light/child-like attitude to life, and refuse to 'act middle-aged' you will feel and look a lot better.

My attitude is kind of young. I jump on the kid's trampoline cause i like it, its fun and dont give a shit if I should be embarrassed about that. I go on waterslides and love swimming and all that stuff that kids do. I absolutely adore my pets and animals and can spend hours drawing or sewing. I love fair ground rides and quite easy to laugh.

Sounds super annoying, i know. But i think looking and feeling young is not in the injection. Its in the enjoyment and lightness of being (and no, im not privileged. been through divorce, never had any money, not much real life support etc)

My unhelpful and judgemental contribution is that I am utterly amazed that injecting toxins into your face is considered a pretty normal activity these days. I'm in my 40s but would never even consider doing it. I can definitely afford it, I just wouldn't.

It seems to me that the main issue you face OP is that London is horrendously expensive. I live in the east midlands, DH and I earn a similar amount and we own a four bed mortgage free. Plus I've just stopped working to write a book and I can do that because we don't really need my salary. You could in theory move to somewhere cheaper but that has consequences, so if you want to stay put you may have to accept having to count pennies for the time being. It will get easier when nursery fees are gone.

So true about coffees.

If you buy 1 x £4 coffee a day, that’s almost £1,500 a year.

there should be some excess cash but if you have a few meals out, takeaways, alcohol, gym, a weekly cleaner, a trip to the hair salon, car finance… then I can imagine there isn’t much left to play with for treats.

I think that statement may reflect OP's issue. The things in your list are treats.

Others have done the sums - OP's inability to afford Botox and a hair cut is not because all her money goes on food and the electricity bill - it will be all the other things that she considers part of everyday life, but are actually luxuries.

Quite literally: where? Even my local, residential uncool salon is now £70 for a women’s cut.

You could solve all these problems by not living in London.
You can extend the life of your botox by wearing frownies overnight.

I haven’t ever had Botox, but I do feel your pain. DH earns about £70k and I earn slightly less (in NE), but he’s pays into NHS pension and has a student loan so receives about £3400 after all deductions and his professional subs.
If you told me 5 years ago we’d be budgeting to the penny and wondering whether we could afford to take our toddler to softplay twice in a month I’d have laughed at you. Our mortgage, childcare and utility bills are more than DH salary. Council tax has just gone up to £3,041 a year on a 3-bed semi 🥴, money just doesn’t go anywhere anymore, you are spending so much on a basic living that there is very little left to pay for any luxury. I’m 40 soon and DH wants to go away for a weekend just us, but we just can’t afford it - well we could, but it would be 4-5 months of going without anything extra to pay for it and I’ve decided I’d rather not go away. I’m hoping once DS goes to school we will have a bit more money but who knows what the council tax and mortgage will be by then. Certainly can’t afford another child, which is sad as we’d probably have had a second.

And create a shit load of more problems by not having a job / having a job that pays way less / having horrendous commuting costs.

https://www.rushandrylondon.com/greenwich-salon

This one with branches across SE London. I don't work for them! I colour my hair at home as I have dark hair and just touch up my roots.

While this is true, isn’t it really depressing that someone on a good wage has to penny pinch this way.

But! I saw that commercial on TV! I thought it was totally okay to discuss stress incontinence out loud in yoga class now OR while you’re on some dude’s shoulders at a concert! Is it not?!? 😂

Well I can’t comment on the Botox stuff - seems like a total waste of money to me, but why aren’t you managing? Your take home must be around the £7k mark. £4k on mortgage, nursery, bills. £1k food, travel. Where does the remaining £2k go?

What’s a frownie?

I don’t live in London, but it is still expensive to buy and live here. Unfortunately it is an area well off Londoners move to when they move north. I don’t think OP would have magically have loads of spare money by moving unless it was somewhere with cheap housing, but then there are unlikely to be well paying jobs.

£40. Zone 3. Independent salon on side street, rather than ‘rent a chair’ profiteer on high street. 25 years experience in high end areas. Such a good cut, only needed 3 x a year.

Even cheaper if you go to someone’s home or they come to yours 🙂

I imagine the figures are something like this:

rent/mirtgage £2500
nursery fees £1000
council tax £350
gas/electric £200
food £800
Then there’s broadband, tv, insurances, mobile phones, transport costs, clothes for family, particularly child

Everything adds up

There are jobs - very well paying ones - in other parts of the country.

Some of us have “tricky hair” and really value the expertise of a good stylist. I travel over 50 miles to my stylist for a cut and a colour around every 8 weeks.

Id cut back on my food budget before I went to someone’s house round the corner!

It doesn't add though - that's the point people are making. OP has not confirmed but it's been suggested OP may have net pay of £8K a month.

Adding up the things in your costed list comes to £4850. So that's still £3,150 left. And the things in your uncosted list really don't come anywhere near that, unless OP is going for the most expensive of everything. And your "particularly clothes for child" remark - OP has a toddler. Clothes really don't cost that much, unless you want them too.

Yes, things cost more than they used to and people can afford less than they used to. But it's hard to believe OP cannot afford her Botox and hair if she prioritises them rather than other things.

But surely far fewer than in London. And a couple generally can’t just up sticks and move and both get great jobs elsewhere and solve all their problems can they? It’s just an impractical suggestion for most people

@Kerrik Your nursery fees seem a lot, given you get the subsidised hours. Is that for 5 days, 51 weeks a year etc?

Got to love how the OP tapped the fish tank and ran away 😂

House repairs, running a car (possibly 2) entertainment, clothes inc kids, Christmas/birthday present, kids activities, gym, pet, small holiday, life/house insurances, phone, TV licence, haircuts.

£1000 a month for food and travel is probably manageable. If you have 2 cars, even paid out right you are looking at £400 a month in insurance, car tax, servicing and repairs that’s before any petrol. If you only have one it’s perhaps a travel pass and car running which would leave £400-500
for food. We spend about £400 a month on food for 3, but that’s with a lot of planning.

OPs bills could be more than £4k, her mortgage and childcare are £3,5k, our council tax is £300 a month so that only leaves £200 for utilities and water, ours are more than this. If you are including internet, phones etc then it would be more like £4,500, which leaves £1,500 left over for all of the above costs - I can see why she can’t afford extra little luxuries which when you work full time in well paying jobs you feel you should be able to afford (and could afford 4-5 years ago).

It's definitely not straightforward, but it is doable. It's a question of priorities - sometimes you have to compromise to get what you really want. It annoys me when people complain endlessly about costs when there is a solution (not an easy one, but an available one). If you live in London you have to accept it's expensive. Other parts of the country are significantly cheaper, but if you don't want to live there, then the compromise is having less money.

This what I was thinking about that list.
I guess they might have a car on finance but even the "other" stuff doesnt seem like it would be thousands...
Lots of people saying living in London is the problem...but even after their essential and biggest expenses they have almost a whole ( above average) salary left!

Im pretty sure toddlers dont need lots of new clothes monthly...and if they did, then vinted, charity shops, supermarkets are your friend!