Transformational advice needed to out-do ex's new wife

[stilllostinthecity]

I hoped that would get your attention!
Background - 15 years ago my husband had an affair and our marriage broke up with him leaving the family when our kids were aged 4 and 11. That woman is still on the scene, we have never spoken more than a few words, he co-parented reasonably over the years till the kids were older. That woman had a couple of kids with him, put on weight and I would say, aged badly (ha!).
Roll the clock forward - my elder son is getting married in December and my ex and that woman (she has no name to me!) will be coming - obviously, there will be absolutely no outward tension coming from me, it will be my son's day with his lovely new wife and it is absolutely not going to be a day of old dramas.

However - I want to look really good to sort of show him what a f**k up he made!!! I should add, that I have been in a new relationship myself for more than ten years, my new bloke, is a real silver fox, plus a lovely kind person too. He will be looking his best as I am buying him a new suit :)

I should add that I live in jeans and t shirts or sportwear (running/walking). I wear trousers and short jackets for work, I have a few dresses but if I do wear a dress I don't do ultra formal, I don't wear heels and I always really struggle to find the right shoes/ jacket to go with something.

Where do I even shop for something to wear? Can anyone suggest some links? Ideally I will be needing not just a dress but a jacket (I prefer short jackets) and shoes too - is this too much to ask of you mumsnet!? Just think of it as some revenge dressing ;)

What do you need to know?

As far as my figure and build - I am fit and active, 58 years old. Five foot five, size 14 bust, 12/14 at the bottom. Slim hips and good legs.

What don't I want?
I prefer a length that sits just above my knees, I think my legs are a stong point.
I don't have big bum or thighs, so I am not needing to cover up - or show off those, I usually go for something reasonably slim fitted round the bum.
I have a bit of tummy, but not really an issue, 10.5 stone.
Upper arms - I really prefer to cover these and it is a Dec wedding so going to be cold between church and venue. I actually prefer a long sleeve, sheer rather than frilly.
Cleavage, I am a 36/38, I prefer a scooped neck (not a dress that goes to the chin) as otherwise it seems to make my bust look huge. No collars, I am quite plain and I think they make me look old fashioned. Bust is a strong point.
Colour, I am spring colours - love blues / blue greens. Def not black / red etc
Price - not really a budget as such - up to £200-300 but great if it was cheaper!

I really like this sort of thing but the arms are out! so if I did get something like this I would prefer arms! Also I realise it is slightly longer than my preference:
https://www.next.co.uk/style/su320381/e08139#e08139

Thank you everyone xxx

I've been in your situation OP and regardless of how much happier your life is now it is still a stressful day. I chose not to look at my ex apart from a hallo when he said that when he sat down at the ceremony. Their presence did spoil most of the day for me. I won't lie about that. I hosted a brunch the next day and it was far more enjoyable as he wasn't there. People who haven't been in this situation will not understand.

Yes, that. Me and my dad are paying for the reception, my ex is not contributing at all. DIL family are paying for some parts, and the couple, some elements, but the bulk of the costs are reception food and drink for 100 people (inc ex, new wife, two kids... Plus various other family on his side)

I’d try the personal stylist route. John Lewis and other retailers do it free, my daughter found them very helpful and friends have used it for occasion outfits.
I’d suggest you stay away from the type of hemline shown on the Next dress you like and go for something simpler but elegant,

Really love this, especially good if it goes into the evening!

I really love that as well. It's sexy but classy.

It offers sexy cover on the arms, looser on the tummy, coat is chiffon but not fussy. It comes in loads of colours too. There are simpler but similar ones on the site which might appeal to the OP too if this is too classic or she doesn't like the sparkly decoration. I've never heard of this brand before but would definitely look if I needed something dressy.

Hope you'll let us know what you choose @stilllostinthecity, I'm sure you'll look wonderful. It will be interesting to know what the OW will wear, hopefully something obvious and flashy as befits her role.

My advice: Whilst you’re off buying yourself a new outfit., maybe buy yourself some therapy to address all that you’ve written ^.

ps. there’s three sides to every story your side, his side and the truth.. we’re meant to accept your version of events without question you sound very emotive about it all still, and I think the best look would be to be happy with what you have now and where your at in the present. Sounds like you’re stuck in the past!!

Seeing more and more of this on Mumsnet. Disingenuous advice to ‘get therapy’ used as a not so subtle way of bullying and insulting the OP. Why not just say ‘you sound mental’ - you know you want to.

… if someone was depressed would you recommend anti depressants?
So therapy works in a similar way helps all those unresolved feelings and clearly ^ tension/anxiety… or don’t you ‘believe’ in it?

Sorry if my unsolicited advice (from a question on an open online forum) come across as bullying 🤣🤦‍♀️

https://www.nigelraymentboutique.co.uk/products/ir8624-midnight-blue?variant=43926901653751

I'd go for this, a navy cashmere pashmina and fascinator. Professionally done hair, make up and nails. Either navy satin or gold shoes and accessories.

Very nice. I love Bardot necklines and the fit is beautiful (it sounds like OP has a great figure so this could look great on her). The colour's classy too

OP's question was seeking sartorial advice, not comments on her mental health. Dear God, there are some sanctimonious women(?) on here! And her husband was having an affair when their kids were 11 and 4 so of course she'll never forget that, but she also says he rarely enters her thoughts and the only reason he and the OW are now is because she's had to invite them to their son's wedding. It clearly was a difficult break-up and she's bound to have mixed feelings about seeing them after all this time (I bet they are too about seeing her and her man) and anyone who doesn't understand this is being disingenuous or just plain crass.

The OP's posts suggest more than mixed feelings though - the sartorial choices appear to be based on showing him what a f**k up he made and upstaging his wife who had the temerity to put on weight and age badly - "that woman" who's the mother of her children's half brothers/sisters and who by now must have been married to her ex for around the same length of time.

You come across as patronising actually.

Well if they’re that important perhaps they could put their hands in their pockets and contribute to the 100 person wedding they’re attending.

Ooh, I'd second this one, especially as you've got the tits n legs, very glamorous and stylish but not ott.

Well if they’re that important perhaps they could put their hands in their pockets and contribute to the 100 person wedding they’re attending

Why? Some people don’t believe in it. I don’t. I’m lucky that DH doesn’t either. Our take is that if people get married they can fund it themselves and have whatever wedding they want and can afford. We could afford to pay for our kids, but we won’t be and our kids know that and think that’s normal. We just have other priorities, e.g. more than happy to pay tens of thousands for their/their spouse/childrens health needs to be dealt with quickly and privately if need be, urgent housing repairs etc. If DH and I divorced and he decided to pay for a wedding (or vice versa) why would the other ‘put their hands in their pockets and contribute’? I’d just shrug and think it was his business and more importantly his choice, if that was something he wanted to do. If he then tried to hold it over me I’d laugh.

I don’t think paying for a kids wedding is in any way wrong if that’s what your into, but doing it to try and rule everyone going, including ex-spouses, as ‘your guests’ (as opposed to bride and grooms) seems odd to me.

I get this Op. The ultimate revenge is looking happy and confident - and a banging outfit is the absolute cherry on top.

How long have you got? If you have time start exercising and eating better, not that you need to lose weight but being more toned and active will boost your endorphins, have you feeling confident and get your skin glowing.

You’re the mother of the groom, you have to look on point as a lot of eyes are on you so don't shy away from an amazing dress/outfit inc shoes and hat/jewellery in this.

Try on as many outfits as you can to find the most flattering style for you. Don’t leave it until the last minute. Visit recent style sites, find you celebrity style icon and copy what looks good on you!

Get a facial, good skin care and your hair done.

Nice heels are a must.

Go through your look head to toe- make a list of everything you want/need to do and what styles -nails/toes tan, hair whatever. Get everything new and pristine!

Alot of people in here are saying ‘he wont care’ he will! Even if it doesn’t show he will notice.
And when the wedding pics come out months later they will get another reminder of how amazing you look! LOL!

Argh..valuing yourself through the male gaze is awful. You're valuing yourself through the gaze of a man who left you! You're slagging off the mother to your children's half siblings who has been in their lives for decades. Buy a dress to feel confident but the rest of it is just awful...

I can’t believe how many people are saying that JJ house is the one.
It’s hideous. The diamanté thing is tacky as hell, the awful cover up lacy sleeves and the horrendous matching weird coat thing. Do not wear it op.

The OP is in her 50’s, not 85

The OP is in her 50’s, not 85

Oh, come on … No need for that. You’ve said those clothes are hideous. (True.) So why would any 85 year old want to wear them?

Will you be buying them when you’re 85? Probably not. Neither will I. Nor would my mother who is over 90. She would laugh in your face if you suggested it. Because they’re hideous clothes and she hasn’t magically lost her taste and style because she’s old.

Maybe think a little about what you’re saying?

@EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues I apologise for my blatant agism. It was a clumsy add on.

I was trying to say something about the conservative, “sexy” but in an acceptable way for a post menopausal women suggestions that people are making which all lack any sense of style or fashion. But obviously
totally buggered it up.

You seriously think that OP should care about OW just because their children share the same father? Pfff! OP's ex is such a prince among men that he's not even contributing to his first-born son's nuptials!

@ EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues
Come on then you two great style Mavens, let's see your suggestions.