Anti-ageing efforts are wrecking my life.

[PhotophobicPhyllis]

I'm 47 and up until a few months ago always looked young for my age. This became part of my identity and since my late 20's I have taken looking after my skin very seriously. I use good skincare, in the mid to upper price range but nothing crazy, religiously and am fanatical about protecting my skin from UV. Factor 50 every day, even in winter and several times a day in summer, sun-hat including when driving and last week I bought a pair of UV blocking driving gloves on Amazon, and most of all a commitment to staying out of the sun where possible. In the last two years I've spent the price of a great holiday on injectables - Botox, fillers and recently Profhilo. Of course I am restricted anyway when it comes to going on holidays, because of the dreaded UV.
This is where the wrecking my life comes in. I have developed what I can only describe as "ageorexia". Having suffered from an eating disorder in my youth I do not use this term flippantly. In similar fashion to how food and avoiding it was once my priority in life, not it is skin ageing and how to prevent it. This stops me doing things I would probably enjoy - not just holidaying in sunnier climes but simple things like going for a walk. It's not working anyway. I have just entered the menopause and that and the delayed toll of early sun damage is leading to the inevitable skin sagging and general absence of a glow I used to take for granted.
These two costs - one lifestyle, the other financial - are irrational and futile but I can't seem to give them up. I did try earlier this summer and went outside a lot more (I've also stopped spending so much on skincare but that's because I can see it is useless compared with injectables), but have scurried back indoors once the damage is now obvious and I have also just booked my next round of needles.
I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ADVICE. I know myself I should just get over this, either through gradual exposure and acceptance or getting some professional help. Instead I am posting here to see if anyone else feels similarly: that we've been sold an anti-ageing pup, when ageing is really just a synonym for living, but that realising this on an objective, intellectual level doesn't help when looking in the mirror and wondering surgery mightn't be the bridge too far that it once seemed.

Nobody seems to have mentioned the endless advertising telling women to get younger-looking skin, defy age, anti-age and all that crap. That's something you have to deal with if you're going to overcome obsessive behaviour.

In my case, there are also various aunts in their seventies who are obsessed with women's weight and love to comment on their younger female relatives' weight. I feel for them and i know at least one of them didn't menstruate for years at a time in her youth (she'd be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa these days) but I wish they'd deal with it instead of trying to pass it on to the next generation. I mention that because my fatter relatives have much younger-looking faces, but then they cop it for being overweight.

I go to a mobile hairdresser because I don’t like going to a salon. Have done so for over 5 yrs. I went the other day and sitting in her kitchen there were boxes of collagen drink, just arrived, before me. My hairdresser is gorgeous; 33yrs old and a lovely mum of three, busy all day and with a husband who works long shifts. She’s also a great hairdresser! She said she’d just taken delivery of these very expensive drinks because she WAS considering botox but then thought she’d try supplements first. I laughed and said “You have amazing skin… why?” She said she’d started working in a local salon to top up her income and all the girls there are younger and have “preventative” botox and lip fillers etc. They’re younger than 33! I find this scary. She felt she needed to “do something” as she felt she looked “tired”. Despite how hard she works and all that she’s achieved, the fact that she’s a lovely person and hilarious and kind, she felt the need to supplement her “tired” appearance, at great expense.

Time was, I might have asked her for the details of the product. Now, I just continue with my Nivea Q10 and smile ruefully. @PhotophobicPhyllis I've read the full thread now. As others (and myself) have said, please seek some help. I think you have an obsessive personality and anxiety about this, which will cause more health and ageing effects than any cream/treatment can help.

I've never "looked my age" and even now people tend to be surprised by how old I am. A few years ago I went to a martial arts event at the ripe age of 36 and was terribly confused when I was put in the group with the 16-21 year olds. Turned out our very old association head thought I was in that age bracket. Only yesterday I got told I dont look as old as 41.

However, my skin care extends to a moisturiser (whatever is on offer on amazon) and the occasional mask.

I no longer look like I'm 18, and I'm okay with that after all I'm not 18! I've got 4 decades behind me, I've got 3 kids who drive me mad, I've got a stressful job and fuck me what I would give for a solid 8 hours of sleep!!

I think you probably need counselling to help you adjust your thinking. I suspect you have shifted your mental health issues from eating to anti aging.

Nowt wrong with a bit of suncream, but what's the point if you're never in the sun enjoying it?

I always say 'thank you' when someone tells me I look younger because I know it's kindly meant, but one of these days I might just turn round and ask them to stop talking cobblers. Except then I'll feel bad afterwards because it was kindly meant....

I have a skin for me subscription which includes tretinions.

£20 a month and they send it to you. Face wash morning and night alongside moisturiser and then the subscription at night. Factor 50 suncream for you face. I’ve got a promocode if anyone wants to try it

www.skinandme.com/?promocode=BECCIB5JA4

You send them pictures of your skin and your goals then one of their dermatologist provides a subscription you can feedback if you’re not happy and they change it. I’ve seen a massive improvement and so has mum as she was too paying all sort of creams. She looked like section of boots when her skincare on.

Slowly break yourself into going into the sun. Sweat resistant / long sleeve gym tops may be a good way to help you enjoy the sun whilst keeping cool and then slowing working down to left coverage. As you long as your re apply sunscreen regularly you’re going to be fine.

Ideally you want to look good for your age not younger. Do you think you’re be realistic? My mums 62 I would say in the last few years she’s suddenly looked older than previous years but she still looks a lot younger than her age. A lady in our yoga class thought she 50.

@CoalTit Advertising … I just turn it off. And the actresses who say “I’m worth it” or whatever brand they’re promoting look just like the rest of us, pre “hair and makeup”! 😊. It’s ALL illusion and delusion.

In the first lockdown my step daughter came to stay for a couple of months. It was very hot (we had a bit of a heatwave, in March). DSD is a real sunworshipper and each day, she was out there, with her SPF 20 on 🤦‍♀️ I suggested my ALDI SPF50 but she said she was happy with her own Clinique stuff. As the days wore on, she got more freckles and more and more pink. She just wouldn’t have it that she was endangering her health never mind her looks. She too is obsessed by thinness. Watched tv one evening, DH commented on an actress who looked ill, she had lost so much weight. DSD said “I think she looks amazing. You can NEVER be too thin”. And that’s how it is. Generation after generation of women, judging women.

Its also worth remembering that at 50 we still, if we're lucky, have half our adult life ahead of us. We may not be 20, but we are by no means old or past it, and nor do we look it. There is nothing innately better about the looks of a young adult than an older one. It's just what we've come to believe. Yet in reality the world is full of older women who are as vibrant and beautiful as younger ones, its just a different look.

@TreePoser 😊 My mum died just pre Covid and she was a total mare for telling me I looked “shocking” but I let her off because in her day, any bad thing might be turned around by “pulling yourself together and putting a bit of lippie on” 🤔 Was recently away with my sister and we shared a room. We were in Bologna so, lots of spf slapped on and big hats and shades and we had a great laugh reflecting on how our mum would’ve said “You’re wearing that?” or “When are you changing to go out for dinner?” When we’d already changed and beautified ourselves sufficiently, we felt 😂 My sister is 62 and me nearly 60 but, she still felt it acceptable to tell us what to wear/look like. OP, I think you may need a kinder “inner voice” telling you you’re “OK as you are”. I miss my mum but honestly, 20 years ago she told me “you’re knees have gone. You can’t wear above knee skirts now, love”. And you know what? I never did again. More fool me! We took my mum’s ashes to Verona whilst we were there (one of mums favourite places) and scattered a little of her off the bridge. I hugged my beautiful sister and told her, the best gift mum ever gave us, was each other ❤️ Then we went for lunch to a restaurant mum loved and drank lots of Prosecco. Yes we’re getting older but we’re doing ok and we’re still here to tell the tale! (See pic)

oh that's so lovely! You look amazing by the way. But it's true, the best gift she gave you was each other. Wish I had a sibling in my corner. Cherish that and enjoy it <3

Oh @TheRussianDoll I think I may have something in my eye 🤗

What a beautiful picture. I'm sure you mum meant well but she was from a different time. Wishing you and your dsis lots of happiness.

I've seen your pictures before @TheRussianDoll you prove my point that being vibrant and lovely isn't something we lose after we hit a certain age.

You are suffering with OCD and need counselling.
Organise HRT as that helps with menopausal symptoms and also delays ageing.

Work towards getting a job and meeting people.

I am 57 and no doubt I look my age, because I never put anything on my face. So what? The money I save on treatments, cosmetics etc I can spend on holidays, trips and good things. We all age - why should we care about it? Once you're over 50 everyone ignores you & it's fantastic - nobody is bothered about how you look and you can just get on with life without giving a sh*t. Just stop with the anti-aging nonsense and enjoy yourself!

Awww, thank you ladies!

My sister makes me laugh… she was wondering recently if she was “coming out of her prime”! 😂

And @Hbh17 … it’s true… I am now officially invisible. It’s fine by me!

I'd have to disagree with you there. I'm 53 and no one ignores me. I know some women say it happens, but I don't think it should be presented as an inevitability. It just makes women who don't see invisibility as a positive even more fearful of aging.

I agree, I'm 52 and genuinely feel like I'm in my prime, professionally and personally. No one ignores me the way they did when I was young and lacking confidence.

You both look absolutely fabulous! Really elegant.

Yes, I want to appear like I value myself and enjoy being me. What I would save on make up, earrings and haircuts if i accepted the supposed inevitability of nobody noticing either way would not be worth the saving!
But i know thats just me. There's no one correct approach.

we've been sold an anti-ageing pup, when ageing is really just a synonym for living

100%. It makes me sad for some women on here when they describe the restrictions they place on themselves and the time and money they spend attempting to hold back time. It is always, ultimately, going to be futile, and there’s only one way you won’t end up being and looking like an old lady, and that’s to die first. Of course keep fit and healthy and enjoy clothes and makeup if they interest you and make you happy. Of course look after your skin, because dry, tight skin is uncomfortable. But don’t let it dictate your life.

Btw, the moral superiority of people who don’t enjoy beach holidays is unbelievably fucking tedious.

I do get fed up with the old trope which is wheeled out on mumsnet regularly at how wonderful it is to become invisible after the age of 50, honestly who would be happy about being overlooked for jobs, ignored in shops, looked through as though you don’t exist, opinions ignored or derided by being called a woman’s name of a certain age, fuck that for a game of soldiers, no man would expect or welcome becoming invisible yet it’s embraced as a wonderful thing by some women one here, I wish it would stop being encouraged as a great thing for women.

I genuinely look younger than I am heading towards 60 but look in my 40s. Last week sometime though I was my grandchildren's mother. There's a really good reason for this, it's genetic. Both my grans looked much younger than they were. It was obvious at a family gathering recently of all the grandchildren only 2 looked their age, early 50s, and they both look like their father whilst the rest of us could all pass for our 40s. I'm the eldest.

I've not seen my paternal cousins for a long time so can't comment on them.

if you don't have the genes you aren't going to beat nature. As a pp said you can still look your best without having to look younger.

@PhotophobicPhyllis try HRT - I’ve aged backwards since having it.

and also try CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for the intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviour.

i feel for you - you seem to have that type of pattern of obsessive behaviour, but it can change.

have a chat with your GP and start HRT as soon as you can. You never know, your anxiety may lessen and your skin (bones, heart, brain) will thank you.

your GP will recommend a CBT therapist too.

Other types of holiday are available

i generally don’t care about looking older, I’m thankful that I am lucky enough to feel fit and healthy. Then I see loads of threads on Mumsnet where someone is described as old, older etc as a negative and I think “Are younger women looking at me and making those assumptions about me?”: it used to bother me that products were promoted on the basis of being “anti-ageing” when a concept of maintaining good health seemed to me the primary one but am starting to understand why not looking old is viewed as so important. I don’t want to be dismissed as older people are on many threads without the poster seeming to miss a beat.

Just being a bit fat helps you look younger.
I begrudge spending money on anything that I cannot see - and I'm not so vane that I bother with mirrors.

Haircut ? If it looks ok to you (hairdresser) then that's fine by me