Anti-ageing efforts are wrecking my life.

[PhotophobicPhyllis]

I'm 47 and up until a few months ago always looked young for my age. This became part of my identity and since my late 20's I have taken looking after my skin very seriously. I use good skincare, in the mid to upper price range but nothing crazy, religiously and am fanatical about protecting my skin from UV. Factor 50 every day, even in winter and several times a day in summer, sun-hat including when driving and last week I bought a pair of UV blocking driving gloves on Amazon, and most of all a commitment to staying out of the sun where possible. In the last two years I've spent the price of a great holiday on injectables - Botox, fillers and recently Profhilo. Of course I am restricted anyway when it comes to going on holidays, because of the dreaded UV.
This is where the wrecking my life comes in. I have developed what I can only describe as "ageorexia". Having suffered from an eating disorder in my youth I do not use this term flippantly. In similar fashion to how food and avoiding it was once my priority in life, not it is skin ageing and how to prevent it. This stops me doing things I would probably enjoy - not just holidaying in sunnier climes but simple things like going for a walk. It's not working anyway. I have just entered the menopause and that and the delayed toll of early sun damage is leading to the inevitable skin sagging and general absence of a glow I used to take for granted.
These two costs - one lifestyle, the other financial - are irrational and futile but I can't seem to give them up. I did try earlier this summer and went outside a lot more (I've also stopped spending so much on skincare but that's because I can see it is useless compared with injectables), but have scurried back indoors once the damage is now obvious and I have also just booked my next round of needles.
I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ADVICE. I know myself I should just get over this, either through gradual exposure and acceptance or getting some professional help. Instead I am posting here to see if anyone else feels similarly: that we've been sold an anti-ageing pup, when ageing is really just a synonym for living, but that realising this on an objective, intellectual level doesn't help when looking in the mirror and wondering surgery mightn't be the bridge too far that it once seemed.

Ageing is down to genetics. Unless they invent a DNA vaccine that addresses all the inbuilt genetic causes of ageing then there is really no point in spending your hard earned cash on lotions and potions.
Apart from sun cream.

Whilst I dont agree with getting obsessed or as anxious as you appear to be, I take very very good care of my skin and spend a lot on botox, retinols, fillers, lasers etc. I look easily a decade younger than I am as a result. I too always wear spf 50 but thats not just for ageing, its also because I am naturally pale and I get sun rashes and burn super easily.

I dont get the judgement at spending money on botox etc but not on holidays? If I want to spend my money on botox or whatever else I choose thats my damn business and nothing to do with anyone else. Personally, I dont see any pleasure at all in spending thousands to fly to Spain or wherever, baste myself in oil and lie baking in the sun all day. Not only would that be horrendous for me- I'd likely burn horrifically putting myself at risk of skin cancer, it just doesnt sound fun at all, it sounds boring and dull and a waste of money to me. We are all different and what appeals to one wont appeal to another- people spend their money on loads of things that I personally consider ridiculous but its their money so who am I to judge?

I enjoy taking care of myself- it brings me pleasure, and it keeps me fit and healthy which also makes me feel physically great and full of energy. People can scoff all they want but spending money on things like cigarettes, alcohol and boring holidays where you just sleep all day are to me, a far bigger waste of money (and far riskier to your health).

I echo what has been said, that ageing is a privilege not granted to all.

In my case, in early 2021 at the height of Covid I suffered a very serious illness out of the blue. I lost a ton of weight that I didn't need to because I was so ill. I was cared for so well, no one gave up on me and I am doing fine now. However since that time I have aged so much since the excess skin from the unintended weight loss is all over, face included.

But I am alive, and enjoying life and the sunshine and my loved ones. No one thinks I am any different, and I have learned to live with the scars of illness!

My sister died at 44 from Ovarian cancer. It is the anniversary of her death today. She was beautiful, great skin, lovely teeth and such a lovely woman. She is gone, I am still here, so I am grateful for that, wrinkles and all.

Apologies for offloading, must be the day that's in it.

And get therapy before you think any more about cosmetic surgery. Frankly, you have disordered thinking on this issue and you could end up really fucking up your face, like one of those freaky-looking Hollywood stars.

Ageing is entropy, it's a law of nature. We're dying from the day we're born, and there's nothing you can do about it. You might as well try to stop the tide coming in, Queen Cnut.

You've acutely suggested that this might be a new manifestation of an old eating disorder -- another addictive and increasingly compulsive way of controlling your body.

Maybe. Or could other things be going on too? I'm not especially focused on physical ageing, perhaps partly because I've always had bad skin! But I've found myself struggling recently (early 40s) with not any longer being seen (in a creative profession) as sharp, with it, innovative, tech savvy etc. I started compulsively doing brain training exercises, playing blitz chess and trying to learn Japanese, all in a weird and sad attempt to fight slowing brain cells. It took the death of someone close to me a few months ago to make me realise that I'm not so much bothered about seeming young as I am about not dying! Just saying. I found Irvin Yalom's 'Love's Executioner' very helpful and it's a good read. Maybe worth looking at.

I am so, so sorry about your sister. My mum died of ovarian cancer so I know how horrific it is.

That said, I dont understand why this makes it wrong for people to take care of their appearance? Of course, there is way more to life than just how we look but if we take the view that we are all going to die anyway then we may as well all just drink, smoke and do whatever- you know? If a person enjoys looking after their appearance then why is that wrong? I know people always say live each day as if its your last, but thats not really a healthy or functional way to live in my opinion- its living based on fear.

I'm not extreme like you because I like the sun and I don't have the money for loads of procedures, but I'm 42 now and aging (not the number but the physical aspects) is really beginning to bother me.

I have had Botox, which I like, but whilst it's smoothed out the upper part of my face I'm not sure if that actually makes the lower part look worse in contrast. Or maybe it has just got worse... either way the solution would then be more work and more work and I can definitely see how that would spiral. I'm actually glad I don't have the money because if I did I would almost certainly get more done.

As it is I have become a bit fixated on my weight because slim = youthful I guess, and this doesn't cost me money!

I do accept that I'm fighting a losing battle really, I'm going to look older no matter what. It's not as if Dolly Parton (just plucked a random person who has had work done!) looks 25 is it?

In your case it's becoming debilitating and although you don't want advice, I would try and get therapy just so you can maybe enjoy your life more.

I dont get the judgement at spending money on botox etc but not on holidays? If I want to spend my money on botox or whatever else I choose thats my damn business and nothing to do with anyone else. Personally, I dont see any pleasure at all in spending thousands to fly to Spain or wherever, baste myself in oil and lie baking in the sun all day.

Why does 'holiday' mean you have to bake in the sun??

It doesnt, but every single person I know says this is what they like to do when they go abroad and thats fine because its their choice and their money and noone nags them about it do they? Also, the OP mentioned going out in the sun. I get prickly heat and burn within like, 10 mins of strong sun so not being a sun worshiper doesnt mean you cant enjoy life or are missing out on something awful

I actually think this is maybe more of a thing with people who have constantly been told they look younger. It's as if they need to keep up appearances of youth to ensure that stays true.

For me, the weight thing is similar, I've never really been overweight but I got really fit about ten years ago and have kept that up despite having three kids in that time. In some ways I would like to loosen up a bit on the diet/exercise front, but it's something people associate with me and with that comes pressure. More pressure than if I had never been super fit in the first place.

There is a self obsession in all of this, of course, because rationally we know that nobody gives a flying fuck if you look young or I look like Sporty Spice, but here we are.

Thanks for the kind words.

I don't know what I was trying to express TBH. I suppose I was that person who looked after herself well. Now since the shock of illness, I just do the basics skin wise and follow medical advice regarding exercise and nutrition. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with people having treatments, it's just that I cannot see the point for myself personally, I am happy to be here, and I can live with a few wrinkles no problem!

Each to their own. I didn't intend to offend anyone, I'm probably a wee bit fragile today.

I don't know how this has become a choice between Botox/ basking in the sun/drinking and smoking.

You can not have Botox and still take care of yourself. I don't know how and when shooting toxic substances into your face became taking care of yourself. I think it's just the opposite.

I think OP's feelings on this are validated, to some degree because the of the messages society is putting out. It really is everywhere. We all can acknowledge it.

Whether you need counselling to counter that, I don't know. When I find myself getting annoyed over this type of thing, I personally, find just taking a break away from the usual culprits extremely refreshing. The usual culprits being magazines aimed at women, advertisements, influencers and threads on here asking for advice about aging!😂

I have always been told I look 10 years younger by random people but I am very low maintenance and never had anything done other than dental treatment and hair dye. I think it's a slippery slope and a thoroughly depressing state of affairs to be on a cosmetic surgery or Botox endless cycle. Seems both risky and expensive to me. We all get old and it can't be dodged.

Sun cream has its place but I stop there. Embrace your aging as it happens and understand that all things must pass. And don't use magnifying mirrors :)

OP, thank you for sharing this it's very open and honest. Have you thought about seeking help through counselling?

This. It's such a false equivalence. There's all kinds of crap in most beauty products, including some very nasty stuff in chemical-based sunscreens.

Calling it self-care is just more marketing. Avoiding skin cancer is obviously wise, and there are multiple additional benefits to eating well and exercising, but equating injectables, parabens and phthalates to health is a joke.

Plus ça change, though. The Romans used to paste their faces with lead in the name of beauty.

You didnt offend, I was just curious about that point of view is all- you know?

Be kind to yourself today- it must be a really hard day for you all x

There's nothing wrong with looking after yourself, but when it's making you unhappy and restricting how you live your life it's time to readdress. My mum always worried about wrinkles and said she didn't want to get old. I used to say the alternative was being dead. Well, she died earlier this year at 68, I'm pretty sure with hindsight she'd rather have had wrinkles and still be alive.

Yes, I think it is largely a lie sold to people. I look at someone like Madonna - a woman with all the money in the world to spend on treatments, surgery, dieticians, chefs, trainers etc, and who clearly has done every anti-aging thing possible throughout her life - and she doesn't look young.

She walks with a stick because her knees have gone, and she stuffs herself into a corset because she's suddenly got a thicker middle-aged midriff. Her face, breasts and now bottom look so surgically (to me, horribly) taut, despite her never being tanned so she must wear spf all the time, and she's had to wear gloves for the last thirty years because surgeons can't do much with hands - skin ages from the inside as well as from sun.

So if Madonna with all of that going for her can't stop middle aged spread etc, there is no hope for the rest of us! Better to go down a route of self acceptance and spend the money on joyful treats, rather than fighting a losing battle, which fools no one in the meantime.

I worry about aging, but not the effect on my looks, the effect on what I can do/how I can live.

I'm in my mid 50s and am regularly running/hiking/biking long distances at respectable paces. So many people my age or only a little older seem unable to do anything physical and that worries me a lot.

Madonna looks absolutely horrible. Juliette Binoche on the other hand....

The quality of your skin is only one age signifier.
Its the person as a whole that people notice. If you look fit and healthy with good posture, move easily and at pace, are animated, smile a lot, dress quite casually in fairly current clothes and have good hair, you will look a lot more youthful than someone who is merely unlined.
Obviously there's no point telling you to stop caring about looking older and it doesn't matter, so I'd aim for perspective. By all means have a skincare routine, but just as one part of overall self care that includes excercise, relaxation and fun. All of which help you look and feel young. And do get a little sun. It's very good for your mood.

I'm all for people spending their time and money on whatever gives them pleasure provided no-one else is harmed in the process. But I'm fascinated by the way the language of the Botox clinic has gone mainstream. It's a while now since the mantra switched from looking 'younger' to looking 'fresher' and 'more rested' and above all 'less angry'. And now we seem to have moved a stage further into Botox being just a tool for basic self care. Where next I wonder.

Which maybe isn't directly relevant to the op, or perhaps it is, because this is how we get sucked in?

Anyway op, you said you didn't want advice so I'm not going to say anything about what a fabulous wardrobe you could have if you spent your treatment money on clothes. The key thing for me is that your regime is clearly no longer bringing you any pleasure, which takes me back to where I began. I sympathise, I wish you well and I think recognising the problem is halfway towards dealing with it.

I'm thinking it's partly a narcissistic pride I used to feel when people would go "oh my God I can't believe you're 38/41/44 etc" and I irrationally thought I'd always look "young". Now I think I do look my age, although certainly "good for my age". Now that I think about it, that's a morally loaded phrase isn't it? There's also an emotional reckoning about realising I never did stuff I could have done and probably should have done. I should have carped the f* out of that diem!