Anti-ageing efforts are wrecking my life.

[PhotophobicPhyllis]

I'm 47 and up until a few months ago always looked young for my age. This became part of my identity and since my late 20's I have taken looking after my skin very seriously. I use good skincare, in the mid to upper price range but nothing crazy, religiously and am fanatical about protecting my skin from UV. Factor 50 every day, even in winter and several times a day in summer, sun-hat including when driving and last week I bought a pair of UV blocking driving gloves on Amazon, and most of all a commitment to staying out of the sun where possible. In the last two years I've spent the price of a great holiday on injectables - Botox, fillers and recently Profhilo. Of course I am restricted anyway when it comes to going on holidays, because of the dreaded UV.
This is where the wrecking my life comes in. I have developed what I can only describe as "ageorexia". Having suffered from an eating disorder in my youth I do not use this term flippantly. In similar fashion to how food and avoiding it was once my priority in life, not it is skin ageing and how to prevent it. This stops me doing things I would probably enjoy - not just holidaying in sunnier climes but simple things like going for a walk. It's not working anyway. I have just entered the menopause and that and the delayed toll of early sun damage is leading to the inevitable skin sagging and general absence of a glow I used to take for granted.
These two costs - one lifestyle, the other financial - are irrational and futile but I can't seem to give them up. I did try earlier this summer and went outside a lot more (I've also stopped spending so much on skincare but that's because I can see it is useless compared with injectables), but have scurried back indoors once the damage is now obvious and I have also just booked my next round of needles.
I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ADVICE. I know myself I should just get over this, either through gradual exposure and acceptance or getting some professional help. Instead I am posting here to see if anyone else feels similarly: that we've been sold an anti-ageing pup, when ageing is really just a synonym for living, but that realising this on an objective, intellectual level doesn't help when looking in the mirror and wondering surgery mightn't be the bridge too far that it once seemed.

I'm so sorry for your loss and what must have been an incredibly hard year. Losing some-one so tragically young certainly exposes our preoccupation with external appearances as the distraction from living that it can become.

I should have carped the f* out of that diem!

Do that now then! 😁 We live and learn done we?

I think with me, though, I sometimes like to have a relatively trivial worry to occupy my with to distract from the bigger issues. It works until you blow the trivial worry out of all proportion! 😁

Recently, I've had shoe angst, bra angst and sun cream angst. Never mind the bigger things that are going on!😂

my mind

I second everyone saying counselling. Because you’re only 47, OP, and on the cusp of the decade where ageing becomes unavoidable, no matter what you do. If you fail to make peace with that, you will spend the next 15-20 years focussed solely on all this meaningless shite, desperately trying to pedal against the inevitable, while your actual life happens without you even noticing. And then suddenly you really will be old and wonder what the hell happened and where all that time went

I was you 8 years ago, feeling invincible, convinced I’d always be slim and supple and strong, and turn heads and get compliments, because I worked at it, so why wouldn’t that be the case? Until I properly hit menopause, which changed everything. Plus lockdown, plus the death of my mum, plus a debilitating injury - and all of a sudden I just couldn’t keep it up. Which requires a huge mental adjustment, but it’s all for the better. It’s not like I’ve stopped bothering, but I can now leave the without a scrap of make up if I want to, and I can buy a dress in the next size up without feeling like a failure. I’ve literally stopped giving a fuck about what anyone thinks except me, and it’s great. Embrace life and ageing, don’t fight it.

I think you're right that your money would be better spent on therapy than surgery, and it's good that you've recognised the similarities in your thought patterns with your previous disordered eating. I wish you well with it. You probably also need a Vit D supplement - most people in the UK do, and your well-below average sun exposure probably means you're deficient.

I am 49 but we are clearly very different - I don't really go in for any kind of skincare beyond cleaning off dirt/sweat (don't do make-up) and a bit of oil afterwards to stop drying out. I'm sure that by lots of people's standards I am distinctly unpolished at best, an absolute slattern at worst.

Nevertheless, people regularly assume I am younger than I am (not loads, obviously, not going to pretend I get asked for ID buying booze or anything ridiculous). I genuinely think this is a combination of genes, being a bit fat (not many lines), being quite bendy (yoga) but mostly because I do what lots of people seem to think of as young-people things - I go see new bands, I try out new things a lot, go camping, have friends who are 20 years younger and 20 years older than me. To me, forever searching for signs of aging, looking backwards to your youth, that's an old-person mindset. If you can look forwards with anticipation rather than dread, you'll surely be happier in yourself even if you do get a few wrinkles.

@PhotophobicPhyllis

Thank you.

I hope you manage to work things out, you sound very level headed and I am sure you will take heed of the important things!

As you've requested OP, I'm not offering advice, but perhaps more of an understanding of why obsessive behaviours happen. When there's understanding, obsessive behaviours can have less of a hold on you. I work ALOT with people with eating disorders and addictions, particularly women in their 40s/50s.

Agree with PPs that this is likely related to underlying anxiety. Obsessive behaviour and addictions can be coping mechanisms for the anxiety.

You mention that in your youth you suffered with an eating disorder, and food avoidance became an obsession. Anxiety can surface or become much stronger during times of hormone fluctuations i.e. puberty and menopause. Anxiety is further exacerbated by unwelcome and often distressing body changes during these times, which can trigger the unhealthy coping mechanisms. The harmful coping behaviours can take an even stronger hold when the obsessions are reinforced by advertising, Instagram, Tik Tok, your own high expectations of yourself etc. etc.

Some people breeze through these times of transition, but at the opposite end of the scale, menopause can be brutal for a lot of us.

Looking after your skin can be a positive thing, but like you said, not when it's taken to extremes and it affects your day to day living and enjoyment of life.
It's very difficult to "just get over it". That's like telling someone with a fear of spiders to hold a tarantula, or someone needing glasses to just focus a bit harder.

So I won't giving advice, other than to say go easy on yourself, be compassionate, be curious. The question is not why the addiction to anti ageing, but why the underlying anxiety. You hit the nail on the head about getting professional help.

I think in moderation looking after your skin is just part of looking after your body. If there are things you can do to slow things down a little then why not? I floss my teeth every day as otherwise they will fall out. I go to Pilates to try to improve my strength and flexibility. I try not to eat too much cheese as it will make me fat and potentially give me health problems.

You can see the future by looking at others, and in particular people who look prematurely aged (sometimes not at all their fault, if they have had serious illnesses or chronic ailments, but sometimes it is, through poor lifestyle choices). Looking after your appearance to me is part of an interest in your personal upkeep, which is a good thing as we age.

Where it goes too far is thinking we can stop time; all we can try to be is good for age.
Then you also run the risk of forgetting how young you look today compared with where you’ll be in ten years’ time.

This is a very interesting and worthwhile thread @PhotophobicPhyllis You have put feelings out there which are shared by many women and increasingly, men too. Thank you.

Ageing is inevitable, if we’re lucky. I’m 60 in 2 months time. Like many people, I feel I’ve aged rapidly in the past couple of years what with covid, the loss of my mum and severe illness for my son and husband. It’s been an eye opener in that, it’s now made me worry less about “stuff” like lines and a bit of extra weight. I walk briskly every day for 30 mins. I avoid things and situations I don’t want to “do” and I’m thankful I’m still here, many of those I love and care for are still here, against the odds and I take a “fuck it” attitude to much that before, I’d have spent too long worrying about. Priorities are everything. They do change.

Don’t misunderstand me, I do my face every day (especially SPF, as my sister and niece are both getting over skin cancer). I eat well, enjoy a glass of wine and just think “I look ok; don’t turn heads anymore but everything works and I’m still going!”

Might it be worthwhile speaking to your GP? Yes, they’re crazy busy but you’re overwhelmed by these feelings and possibly some support may help?

keep your chin up OP. We’re all just doing the best we can in life, for as long as we can.

Why is it so important to look young? I don’t get this at all. I think it’s important to look and feel well and healthy, to care for and nourish your body and mind, and to feel good about yourself, but I don’t think it’s sustainable or healthy to try to hide ageing. Botox and fillers don’t make 50 year olds look like 40 year olds. It makes them look like 50 year olds who use Botox and fillers, and they start to look really odd by the time the reach 60 (as per the Madonna example upthread, and pretty much every celebrity over the age of 50). There are so many markers of age - neck, hands, hair, skin thickness/thinness, body shape, stoop, thickness of eyelashes and eyebrows, that hiding one or two just looks like you’re hiding one or two. Are you just not exhausted by trying to hide who you are? There is literally nothing wrong with being 47. It’s a great age and you should be enjoying it.

I'm a couple of years older than you OP and whilst I am very interested in fashion, clothes and beauty, I'm not in the least bit interested in aging or anti-aging treatments. I take care of my skin, but because I like to look good, not because I want to look younger.

I absolutely think I look my age, but I look my age and bloody great! I'm certainly not the least bit enticed by tweakments or injectables. I have had work done on my teeth because they've always been troublesome buggers but that's about health rather than aesthetics, I've got a snaggle-tooth that dentists always want to fix, but it's my snaggle-tooth, it's part of my face!

I've got long silver hair that's also very much me, I dyed it until my late 30s but it just started to feel inauthentic and I feel much better embracing what I have rather than fighting against it and ruining it in the process.

My teenage daughter gets a bit annoyed whenever we go into town as it's guaranteed that in most shops we go into at least one of the sales assistants will comment positively on my look. She's convinced it's just because I look as though I've got money to spend! I know it's because I look pretty good and generally quite directional.

Long post! My point being, you'll actually look a hell of a lot better if you stop worrying about the changes that will inevitably happen to your body and just embrace the beauty of you. People look so much better when they do.

Oh, and I'm always so much happier to have a compliment from a woman than from a man, and comments about my age are never compliments, it's taken a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get where I am, why would I want anyone to think I was a young 'un?

Looking after your skin is a fine bit of selfcare, that is soothing in the moment, increases bloodflow to the face, and improves your overall look; and frankly does pay off in the longterm. But stuffing your face with Botox and fillers and other injectables is not looking after your skin.

Try to find ways to look after yourself that are more in line with realistic healthy and good-looking ageing. The Age Well Project and the Age-Well Plan are good books to get the basics re diet and exercise and skin care.

I think ageing well is a noble goal, but trying to age in place like a portrait of yourself is a fool's goal. And as you've said, tipping over into an unhealthy obsession. You will make the next decade plus a misery, needlessly. So try and transfer your obsession to something more helpful to your whole body, and that will stand well by your face also, like a healthier lifestyle.

I am 50 and the last couple of years I feel like the ageing process really speeded up. I have had Botox and fillers which I love, but my main focus on on health. I lost 2 stones and started to exercise a lot and eat super healthy. I am probably a bit obsessed with it, but I think there are worse obsessions out there! I realise that I cannot long young forever, but I want to look the best I can for my age. I do find ageing hard though. I think it’s partly because I work in a very young environment where people panic when they hit 30.

I think we need to stop using the word anti-ageing. For me, it’s about looking the best I can at any age. I’m 50 but want to look healthy, attractive and well rested. I don’t want to look 40.
I absolutely love skincare and treatments though so for me it’s a kind of hobby. The most crucial thing as I get older though is diet and exercise. All the skincare in the world can’t outrun a bad diet and lifestyle.

I don't want to be annoying but all the skin care will not do anything at all.

Your skin is mostly regulated by hormones, you can influence it with diet and exercise but creams and potions not is much.

I used to buy Lancome, Clinique, Ten Dr Hauschka and many other brands and the cream I have found to be best is my dc's body lotion, which costs £5 and last 3 months.

I do face exercises
m.youtube.com/watch?v=FiIVrJDIF4k
About 10 mins 5 mornings a week
They have filled out my long saggy face. Never used creams as I have sensitive eyes and everything seems to spread into them. I'm 70

It’s interesting, OP. How we feel about these things. I used to go to great lengths to be skinny. When younger. An eating disorder was the quickest way. Now I wear clothing that I would have been conscious in back then. When my figure was much slimmer. Makes no sense.

I also used to enjoy nice cosmetics & face creams. Now I just slap on the first thing I find. And look better without make-up. I’m 46 & care less now about how I look, even though aging is starting in properly with me as well. Women have been so much conditioned to feel this way.

I think you should talk to a mental health professional, about your situation. It might really help you.

What strikes me here is that this is a reflection of how our society places so much importance on looking young, due to the fact that looks are prised above all other qualities.

I guess I am stating the obvious but it feels as though being told that you don't look your age is the pinnacle of one's achievement and that all other personal achievements or character traits are lesser. We see this everywhere and of course it's doubly heightened for women. The fact that you are a kind, caring person, a witty and engaging person, well informed, well educated, hard working wise, etc etc pales into insignificance and the most important thing said about someone is "she doesn't look her age".
It's so reductionist and thoroughly depressing to me as it also marginalises people who are old, and look old.

I work with a lady in her sixties who looks absolutely amazing. Her skin is the skin of a woman in her sixties, but she's so stylish and confident she radiates vitality. Her clothes are simply a masterclass of casual chic, and I admire her so much. I'm in my fifties and I love that she demonstrates that yes, I can still enjoy cutting edge street style even when my face goes wrinkly. I will be absolutely honest here and state that she has a slim figure, which for me takes a bit of effort but at least is possible. Fending off time simply isn't.

I think one simple, practical thing we could all do is stop using 'You don't look your age' as a compliment. Find other phrases that don't fuel the obsession - 'You look great', 'I love your hair' etc.

@PlattyJubes You're right. I’d be sad now if all people could find to say about me, at nearly 60, was “she’s aged well”.

I have middle aged spread, lines and arthritis but am kind, funny (so I’m told 😊) would help anyone (if I can) and my life, like many others, has been tough going but still, when age comes up for any reason, I’ll get people saying “oooh, you don’t look that old!” Like ageing is a shameful thing.

Not sure if that is the case so much as modern makeup is amazing in how it can change look of skin, fake eyelashes, pouty lips, hair extensions - or perhaps I mean it isn't rated much by over 25 year olds - unfortunately still rated by movie makers.

Yes @TheRussianDoll - that's exactly what I was clumsily trying to articulate. It totally is as though ageing is shameful. I guess it's related to fears around mortality and I completely understand that, together with people wanting to keep their bodies as healthy as possible (fellow arthritis sufferer here and have had a lifetime of "you're too young to have arthritis" 😡).

Agree with you too @Floisme - why can't a compliment leave age out of the equation altogether. I wonder at what age it becomes embedded in our vernacular? I can't imagine a 25 year old gets told that they look good for their age, yet nowadays you hear of younger and younger women having "tweakments" so maybe it does.

I know, @PlattyJubes the hair dresser said to me, Oh you don't look 50!! and I realised, this was my cue to say ''oh thank you so much! and thank goodness''. I just smiled weakly. Because what I was thinking was ''well, I'm psychologically prepared to be 50 you know''. But I didn't share that out loud! it might have sounded nuts. You have to know your audience. My close friends would know what I meant by that.
My mother hates that I don't look young anymore. She called once, and she has mentioned TWICE that I looked like death warmed up. I don't think I did tbh, I just had hair all over the place and no make up on. She cannot stop mentioning it as thought it's a character flaw though. Twice while trying to guilt me about not overlooking her treatment of me, she has said ''and you looked like death warmed up'''

I think it's going to be interesting aging. Because there is a sense out there that you have let somebody / society down with every small sign of ageing that you were unable to hold at bay.