Would love to look posh & rich, I'm forty & frumpy, don't know where to start..

[Reinventingat40]

Turned 40 last month... Had a huge fight with DH last night & he called me frumpy... He's right...
Currently I live in primark (cheap & easy to buy)
Hair always in a bun
I've lost alot of muscle tone, I'm around a size 12, very unfit, can't afford the gym
My posture has become very bad recently, I'm always slouching, very noticible in photos.. I've really let myself go & the weight & middle aged spread has crept in...
I love that posh polished style like Kate Middleton & like her off duty clothes.
The posh polished sloaney look with the food hair & polished outfits.. I just want to look good again..

He is of course the spitting image of David Beckham?

Start by taking time for you, you can’t feel good about what you’re wearing or how you look if you have no time for you and are constantly run ragged by family obligations and life in general. Even if it’s just half an hour every day to get out and go for a walk.

As for clothes I’ve had some really good deals on eBay just recently. A dress I tried on in Hobbs a couple of weeks back for £150 I got for £25.

Lots of free things you can do- walking or running for fitness, yoga and pilates vid on youtube for toning and posture.

I've found that any alcohol at all these days (I'm late 40s) goes straight to my face, sadly- dry, blotchy, red etc. Cutting that out has made a huge difference to getting a glowy look. Also skincare pays off at my age, esp a decent sunscreen.

Go for a consultation with a personal shopper- lots of places do them for free and it can be a good way to get new ideas. I also find the website Thread good for that- you can put in your size and the things you like and it gives you lots of ideas. I have yet to find anyone doing post 40 fashion on Insta who doesn;t massively annoy me but you may have more luck. I think post 40 a lot of things that used to work when younger can stop working, eg as a 90s kid I used to love a floral tea dress like Kate Moss or boho a la Sienna Miller, but sadly as I've got older things that were once young and cool on me now make me look ancient, less Sienna Miller and more Windy Miller 😭ressing like a little old lady only works when you're clearly 22 max.

Same with make up, get a free makeover done for some new ideas. Heavy foundation is v ageing.

A thing KM does is buy high street stuff and get it adjusted, buttons resewn etc, so she looks in touch with ordinary people but also somehow smarter. For that sloaney look, a couple of good blazers are a good buy and can go with everything. Have a look at Sezanne. Jeans that suit you rather than following fashion. It's quite easy to get that look with quite a small capsule wardrobe, to be honest, as it's v uniform-y.

I also think very small things can make a difference. For me, spending just 3 minutes doing make up in the morning helps- I just do concealer, cream blush, cream eye shadow, mascara, tinted lip balm. I am trying to train myself out of the mum-bun habit but it is hard!

Can you get a kettlebell? I got a 4kg one off Ocado of all places (ages ago) and now I try and do 10 minute kettle bell videos on YouTube. Of all the “equipment” I’ve bought for home use it’s the only one that is actually useful and versatile.

Whatever you do though, do it for yourself not for your husband. That was very mean of him.

Had a huge fight with DH last night & he called me frumpy...

Fucks sake, absolute prick. There's definitely one thing I can think of that could be changed 😡

There's nothing wrong with Primark, hair in a bun, being a size 12 or anything else you listed. There are ways to look a bit 'smarter' that is fair.

Lots of videos online for easy hairstyles that will keep it tied back off your face but look 'done'.

Like a pp suggested - a blazer over pretty much anything automatically looks smart.

Change trainers for loafers/boat shoes, I have Joe and Jo ones in various colours and they are absolutely great for the price (they're really cheap).

Easy minimal makeup like a BB/cc cream, blush and mascara could make you feel a bit more confident.

Seriously though, everyone fights with their partner sometimes but it's not ok for him to call you names or insult the way you look in the process. What a knob.

Decent haircut, better quality (eBay?) clothes. Will make a difference

I think it's important to remember that the look you have described is not just blow dried hair and a nice dress.

It's actually money and privilege, socioeconomic status, and more lifestyle, medical and surgical intervention than most of us know exist.

Thanks so much for the advice..funny you mention Sienna Miller loved her style recently on anatomy of a scandal on Netflix..
Did 40 sit ups this morning & a, pilates 10 min video on youtube.. Havnt done exercise like that since my early 20s..

Re: the slouching - why do you do that? Genuine question because its horribly aging and yet there is no actual reason why people do it, it's more of a bad habit really.

Agree with other posters though, make up consultation, personal shopper, good haircut and colour.

The bad posture is the first thing you need to work on. Mine is beyond correction now I'm afraid and the first thing I notice about someone who looks good is that they have a very upright posture.

For ‘rich’ and groomed type of clothes, look on Vinted for dirt cheap good quality items. I’ve had absolute bargains for as little as £4 for a top from higher end brands and upper high street such as:
Jaeger
Joseph
Max Mara
Gerard Darel
Jigsaw
Massimo Dutti
Adolfo Dominguez

funny you mention Sienna Miller loved her style recently on anatomy of a scandal on Netflix..

Yes, she looked really great in that.

Sienna Miller on Anatomy of a Scandal looked INCREDIBLE but that look isn't attainable for most people. It would have been carefully curated by a team and must have cost thousands. It was beautiful though.

Navy/blue and camel/tan is a good combination for that look. Something like loafers, navy or camel trousers, pale blue striped shirt or plain tshirt and soft blazer could be a good start.

I think that when you reach your forties you need to move towards more fitted, tailored clothes (other opinions are available!). Stuff like that is coming back into the shops after two years of awful work from home trackie bottom stuff.

What are your arms and shoulders like? Could you wear a well-cut vest or sleeveless top in a plain, deep colour that suits you (e.g. navy, red) with some fitted trousers in another plain but co-ordinating colour? With some chic block heeled or wedge sandals?

You could also check out some plain summer dresses in colours that suit you. You suggest that the budget is a bit of a challenge: look on Vinted etc for Joseph, COS, Me&Em.

Then what PPs said about a makeover. I suggest Bobbi Brown or Laura Mercier.

Finally, I’m sorry that your husband was spiteful. But, you are only 40. You have years of looking great ahead of you, so don’t take his remarks to heart.

You don't sound frumpy to me!

I was told recently by a relative that I looked awful and have been looking at trying to up my game. I think I'd let some things slide during lockdown. It isn't everyone's cup of tea, but ironing clothes can make them look so much smarter. When I remember I also use spray starch on the corners of shirt collars to make them look crisp. I use a small tool to remove the balls on wool jumpers/cardigans and try to polish shoes. Stand up tall too.

I do think the comments were cruel and unnecessary. I was quite upset after my relative criticised me.

Thanks everyone🥰 my arms below the elbow are very skinny, above the elbow loose & flabby 😢 I get what your saying about more tailored but as a sahm with 3 dogs I like to my comfort as well.. I know the look I love, that sloaney polished look but that's so difficult to achieve on a primark budget😢

So sorry this happened you too... It's really awful. I feel very vulnerable after dhs words but determined to make changes for myself now. At the very least he has spurred me into action x

My advice… and I apologise if this sounds a bit wanky is to get a notebook and pen and start writing out what you want to achieve for yourself. I dare say there would be prompts online somewhere but just start writing about where you are now and where you want to get to. Don’t start buying random bits of clothes. Looking glossy and cohesive (aka expensive) happens for wealthy women because they can afford the trainers, hairdressers etc etc but you can definitely look pulled together and stylish on a budget. You’ve really got to be selective about what you buy though and more expensive clothes typically ( not always) are better weights of fabric with a better hang or drape. But if you want an overhaul on your fitness too then you need to break it down and formulate a plan otherwise it will be overwhelming.

Check out Vinted, I've basically rehauled my image thanks to buying stuff on there.

Don't change for anyone but yourself OP. You should ask for an apology from your husband because he was out of line.

Size 12 isn't fat, that's my dream size.

I wouldn't try to do this all in one go, as it may get overwhelming -

1. improve your posture, be conscious of not slumping
2. do a pilates video 3 times a week on YouTube, this will help with 1
3. go for a long walk at least 3 times a week, at a fast pace, so it feels like exercise, not a casual stroll
4. look online at hairstyles you like, go to the hairdresser with pictures
5. look at your skincare, subscribe to something like dermatica or skin+me. HotandFlashy on YouTube is very knowledgeable
6. your clothes don't have to come from somewhere expensive. Focus on smart casual basics if you're at home, so some comfortable but smart pull on trousers or joggers, some nice t-shirts and cardigans
7. use the third piece rule - add a necklace, earrings, scarf etc to make an outfit look more put together
8. develop a 5 minute makeup routine
9. last but NOT least, talk to your husband about how he talks to you, and how it made you feel. This may sound controversial, but he is allowed to find some things more attractive than others, just in the same way you probably wouldn't find a big beer gut attractive. But he needs to say that in a way that's not hurtful.

One very specific rec for KM on a budget- M&S do jumpers in a fabric called Cashmilon which is absolutely brilliant fake cashmere, can go in the washer and dryer, doesn’t bobble or lose shape. Their round neck jumper comes in plenty of sloaney colours like camel and navy- with a shirt under (visible collar) and jeans it would be v off-duty KM.

Why the sloaney look though? It lacks individuality. Just be you.

Body weight fitness bootcamps online. Completely free. You use your own body as a weight for training. Squats, press ups, planks etc. Find a routine you like and do it every day. You'll soon see the difference. Focus on your core.

Practise good posture. Squeeze bum and stomach muscles and pinch shoulder blades together whenever you are standing up.

Ditch the hair bun. If you are broke, see if there is a trainee hairdresser or hairdressing college that would have you as a model for a reduced price.

Primark clothes are OK if you choose classics and basics, which they sell. Dark jeans, chinos or linen trousers, plain linen or cotton blouses and vests. Avoid leggings and too many patterns.

H&M often have clothes that look far more expensive than they are. I've had stuff from there which many people have thought was designer.

You can buy second hand designer or high end high chain store clothes on Ebay and Vimted for less than cheap Primark stuff if you look regularly.

Get brows waxed but not dyed. Use natural lip, eye and blush tones.

-Running is free and is good cardio, but also builds great muscle tone. Get some running trainers for less that £50 and just get out and do couch to 5k.

-a blazer on top of everything looks smart.

-save for a nice bag and a good pair of boots. Doesn’t need to be designer- just real leather and classic. And a nice neutral wool coat.

I’d do all of the above on your husband’s credit card if he’s going to dish out the f word