Would love to look posh & rich, I'm forty & frumpy, don't know where to start..

[Reinventingat40]

Turned 40 last month... Had a huge fight with DH last night & he called me frumpy... He's right...
Currently I live in primark (cheap & easy to buy)
Hair always in a bun
I've lost alot of muscle tone, I'm around a size 12, very unfit, can't afford the gym
My posture has become very bad recently, I'm always slouching, very noticible in photos.. I've really let myself go & the weight & middle aged spread has crept in...
I love that posh polished style like Kate Middleton & like her off duty clothes.
The posh polished sloaney look with the food hair & polished outfits.. I just want to look good again..

She clearly doesn’t like herself right now and likes the Sloaney look.

What on earth is wrong with trying to emulate a style you like?!

i think people forget this is style and beauty, and people will have their own likes and dislikes, and want honest advice

Also I think a lot of the posh and rich is about grooming. I recently had an lvl and it makes such a difference but I can't afford or be arsed with 1 hour trying not to cry and £40 every 4 weeks so
Prob won't replace when it falls out
Same with lovely balayage well groomed cut.
My friend who looks great makes her next appt as she is leaving the salon 6 weeks tops. This is expensive both time and money wise
My other older rich looking friend has longer hair and is letting the grey show but goes for regular blow dry
They look rich because professional grooming is ££££

Also echo other poster about eBay Vinted for sloaney brands

I have no idea if this is relevant, but it might be worth thinking about the quantity of clothes vs. quality. You wouldn't be able to buy an equivalent amount of clothes of good quality as of Primark stuff, but it's not actually necessary to have a huge wardrobe, quality clothes can be re-worn again and again and you don't need cupboards full. My mother owns about a quarter of the clothes I do, but she's always immaculately turned out. So while you might look a the price tag on a nice jacket and think how you could buy half the collection at Primark for that, having once nice versatile jacket which will last for years might be worth the initial outlay when you look at its overall lifetime wear. And I'm sure there's plenty of tips for not paying full price for it anyway (second hand is more sustainable).

Matey, you're never going to look posh and rich unless you are posh and rich.

SO! What do you want?

Polished and well groomed?

Casual and happy with yourself?

Two options.

There are more!!

You don’t say what you wear at the moment generally so it could be you can just restyle some of it, eg jeans, t shirts.

I also quite like that Sloaney, preppy look but find it seems over the top for some days if I’m just wfh and not really seeing anyone (this is another reason many people now need fewer clothes than they think) so lots of clothes like that would be a waste. So I would think carefully about your lifestyle since sometimes it’s worth just upgrading basics, eg if you live in leggings and trainers getting some really nice, good quality ones. Life is what happens whilst you’re busy making other plans. Sports luxe is a trend in itself.

I personally think shoes and outerwear/cover ups are most important to setting a tone. You can ruin a really nice outfit with a pack away style puffa jacket but again that’s when you have to weigh up practicality versus chic. KM isn’t going to get stranded at the park in the rain.

And yes posture. Mine is much improved with Pilates and your core is so important for both appearance and health.

PS 40 is still very young imo!

I always think that decent fitting underwear makes all the difference. No VPL and a bra that hoicks your tits up off your belly makes you look slimer. ...and may help to improve posture. Get properly fitted - John Lewis or an independent (I'm lucky enough to have one where I live).

Loads of good advice here. I agree, it sounds like your H said it in an unkind way and I think you should raise that with him whilst also working out ways to feel more confident in yourself. 40 is the perfect time! I'm 42 and have similar style and fitness goals so in the process of making a similar change (and have found the advice really useful so thank you for posting!).

Good posture is free and can be improved immediately. I second Vinted for good deals on more expensive brands. Go and try on lots in, say Jigsaw, Hobbs, Toast, Hush etc to get an idea of what size you are in trousers/tops/dresses etc in those shops then look on Vinted for items from those brands. They often do similar shapes year on year.

I also like to use Pinterest to save pics of looks I like then recreate similar with stuff I have in my wardrobe or make a list of items to look out for either on Vineted/Ebay or in the shops. It's a good way of branching out from your current style as you're just recreating a look that someone you trust (eg Kate Middleton) has worn so you feel a bit more confident that it works. So you can search for "Kate middleton casual" and see what comes up. A lot of her outfits have a similar formula so you can work out what items you could get eg nice striped shirt, breton top, jeans, coloured but comfy trousers, white sneakers, small gold hooped earrings or small dangly gold pearl earrings. It sounds a bit dull and formulaic but it's a good way to start and easier to branch out from there. And you may already have some items that work.

I've also discovered that it can be good to spend a little bit more on jeans. I bought some Fatface Sway slim jeans and they are so flattering and look slightly more modern shape than skinnies. I got a breton top from eBay and plain white sneakers, looks vaguely Kate Middleton!

If you buy something you love but you're a little worried about wearing as it's out of your comfort zone, wear it ASAP so that you get used to it and it doesn't sit in your wardrobe unworn as it never feels like the right time. Even if you end up slightly overdressed for a trip to aldi .

Have a look at Instagram and follow people you like and see what they are (and not) wearing!
Eg midlifechic, stealmystyle40, doesmybumlook40 etc.
Good luck!

DON'T have a look at Instagram. Don't do that.

Whatever you felt before, you'll feel worse after.

No. Get on with yourself lady.

Really. The most attractive woman you can be is you.

Feel good and comfortable about yourself.

It's all you're ever going to get. So learn to love you.

Be yourself. No, not like that!

Eat healthy and go for walks. Keeps you slim and exercise and fresh air are great for your skin.

Wear SPF, cleanse and moisturize your skin.

A bun is fine, just make sure your hair is clean and well groomed.

A basic makeup routine and doing your eyebrows instantly makes you look better. Do your nails at home and don’t forget to use handcream.

Re clothes, buy good stuff from Vinted, second hand shops and add some basics from Primark. Beige and earth brown tones, black and jewel tones are always chic.

You need a good foundation, very few women can look 'polished' in that way without makeup including Kate. She uses Bobbi brown makeup if the articles are true.

Spend money on the foundation. I got ysl for £26 in duty free. Get a good cream blush, cream highlighter (kiko or makeup revolution if on a budget. 1 sweep of neutral eyeshadow, liquid eyeliner, mascara. Contour stick (from kiko) to slim your jawline. Rose coloured lipstick or tinted lip balm..a really good concealer. Fill in your brows. Get them threaded and maintain them using one of those

Brush your hair out.

M and S has some really nice, comfy and affordable wide legged trousers at the moment. Uniqlo has some great cheap linen/cotton shirts and sundresses. I am all about luxe athleisure; no point in dressing for a life you do not have.

I also think wearing natural fabrics rather than polyester looks posh and rich, if that is what you are after.

Get a good haircut so you look groomed whatever you are wearing - same goes for nails (you can do them yourself, but keep them neat). Choose smart jeans rather than tracksuits and leggings, navy and white striped T (long or short sleeves), navy blazer. Doesn't need to cost a fortune you can probably still shop in Primark - just pick stuff that's a bit structured and tailored rather than sloppy. The whole posture, exercise thing is a long term project, but these are things you can do now. Pick a colour palette - I personally love navy/white/ecru - don't get distracted by prints and definitely steer clear of anything that looks like it should be worn for exercise (unless you actually doing exercise). Trainers are fine, but go for something plain navy or white so they are not obviously sports shoes. Tinted moisturiser, sweep of mascara and lip gloss (or lip stick if you want to look at bit more made up) - takes moments.

Spend money on the foundation.

^^ agree with this. Good foundation can be expensive but is worth it. If you’re on a budget L’Oréal True Match is a good one.

Properly posh is easy. Get a pair of really old wellies and team them with a Schoeffel Gillet covered in Labrador hair. Spaniel hair is also acceptable.

Seriously though, no quality without at least some money. You can wear sportswear and be stylish.

Cutting to the root of the problem I'd suggest getting your colours done. I did plus a 90 second makeup tutorial and it means when I bother I get lots of compliments on how well I look. I'm a fat old bag, so you can see how powerful it is. I will invest 90 seconds putting on makeup. Annoying that it looks better than the ten products blended look I used to have!

Grooming is a pain. A colour cut and blow-dry every two months plus brow shaping is the maximum I can stand, but they make an impact.

Anyone ever heard a man called "frumpy"?

A year ago I was really unhappy with how I dressed, but didn't have the faintest idea how to fix it. When I went shopping I tried on so many different things and came away with nothing. Then at the end of last year I bought a Styled by Susie analysis, and honestly I'm so happy I did.

I know some people might not like SBS, and it certainly has its faults, but I think previously I was scared to express any personality with my clothing, now I wear clothes that I think are fun. But I also have a better idea what suits me, so I feel a bit more confident choosing things. And I know to look for key things that I will get a lot of wear out of.

One thing I've started doing is wearing lipstick all the time (apart from just sitting around at home). Previously I only wore makeup for doing something nice, but it feels so good to put makeup on. And only takes seconds, really. SBS recommend some lipsticks that suit you but at the moment I use my wedding lipstick. And some jewellery is good as well!

Also, I agree with PPs, your husband should not have spoken to you like that, and I'm sorry he did.

I’m in my 40s. Natural body shape is slim, tall and long limbed. But I have never liked my arms. Unfortunately I am not a gym person. Just before the first lockdown I bought a kettle bell and small weights very cheaply from Aldi. I have used them pretty much religiously since then and my arms are so much better, whole upper body feels more toned. Only for a few minutes each morning. Also a couple of years ago had my first ever proper bra fitting and the difference in both sizing and overall effect on confidence was great. It made such a difference to shape and how clothes looked. Lower body is not such an issue as I walk a lot and up steep hills. Small changes can really help.
Also would agree that threading and light eyebrow tint can be good. If you can try a sample off eBay to try I would recommend erborian BB cream for foundation.
I am sure you are lovely, sorry you were spoken to like that. Have fun with your new style direction 😊

I’m in my mid-30’s and had a similar realisation.

I’ve been gradually updating my wardrobe from cheap poorly-constructed polyester to more high end brands like Cos, Reiss, Boden. I buy expensive things preloved. Good stuff can be found in H&M and Uniqlo if you look for 100% linen or cotton.

Figure out your colours and shape, look up the relevant capsule wardrobe, and buy ONLY those items. Sounds boring but the result is good. Pinterest and YouTube are good resources for ideas but figure out what you feel good in.

Exercise and track calories. I’ve only been doing this for 2 weeks and have already lost 3 kg without pain. Goodness knows how many calories I was eating beforehand.

Figure out what exercise suits you. I previously did a lot of cardio (running) but it made me overeat. Now I do 20 mins of weights 3 times per week, no cardio, and it’s doing wonders. Not making me hungry, but toning me up and probably increasing my metabolism a little.

Skin is really important. I’ve been using Dermatica for 2 months and really see an improvement which is great for my confidence. Other brands are available. I don’t use foundation. Only moisturise generously and apply spf every day.

Download a fashion/beauty podcast. If you’re interested in fashion then it becomes fun. I enjoy thinking about my clothes and accessories now. Probably nobody else has noticed my effort, but I feel much more confident if I’ve made an effort and that makes me more assertive and sociable at work.

Good luck!

PS I’m also a size 12, BMI 25, so neither of us are actually fat but we could look better if we toned up!

I’ve just started following 40plusnotgivingupyet on insta. She’s a size 14 and 5ft 10, and shows off clothes from Amazon fashion, Peacocks, H&M, M&Co, M&S etc - I think she has the sort of style you’d like. I’ve bought a fair few things she’s tried on and kept some, but gained ideas for style (like you, I’m early 40s, size 12, currently on maternity leave, and feel like I have totally lost my way as I have no idea how to dress anymore!).

I also just bought a hot hair styler (revlon) and this week have braved having my hair down and not in a bun - and it looks lovely, all bouncy etc. it takes about 5mins to dry/style from towel dried, so I recommend that!

Totally agree. Looking posh/rich is a pretty difficult look to pull off. It's the absolutely perfect shade of beigey blonde hair that only very expensive hairdressers can do. No visible highlights, not too yellow, not too ashy and costs hundreds and hundreds. It's that creamy, glassy skin that's a mixture of genetics and endless dermatology visits and lasers with Teresa Tarmey (sp). It's jeans that look very low key n casual but cost a fortune. It's Todds loafers, not Dune ones. It's a 10 grand watch but not trendy or blingy. It's good teeth but not overly white tombstones. It's incredibly hard to pull off and even gazillionaires can't always achieve it. Take Kylie Minogue. She's beautiful, blonde, slim, gorgeous skin, expensive clothes etc but she doesn't look posh n rich. She looks stylish/trendy/cool but not P n R.

If I were blonde I would go for that caramel nutmeg beige white palette that Sienna wears. Immediately looks classy. However, I am not. But I think well fitting dark jeans, a white shirt and a well cut blazer suit most people and looks rich.

If I had unlimited money and time, I would get a blowdry daily like Kate.

You might find some suitable ideas on www.mymidlifefashion.com/ as a lot of the clothes she picks are things like the Duchess of Cambridge would wear - blazers, jeans, shirts etc. The blogger is a bit older than you (and me) but I hate shopping and picking out clothes for myself so I've copied some of her outfits.

I also turned 40 this year. I have been doing more running and swimming and getting compliments about how toned I look (despite not having lost any actual weight). Also often get clothes from stitch fix.

Regular cardio exercise (more than just a walk) - most days, and some well cut clothes…. Oh and avoid processed food. And you’re sorted. Do this and be patient.