Relaxing massage disappointment, tell me your stories and make me feel better

[Stumpedasatree]

I booked a relaxing massage a couple of days ago at a salon I'd been to for other treatments. I was so looking forward to it with some back and neck tension that I anticipated being eased.

Cue 1 torturous hour of gentle feathery stroking with oil. Up and down up and down, across and round. I asked three times for more pressure and tried to give approval when it felt like she may actually be putting some welly in to actually give my poor body some benefit. By the time she got on to my arms, and spent 10 minutes tickling and stroking each arm, then onto each bloody finger my other hand was clenching into a fist and I was taking deep breaths to stop myself punching the poor girl away from me.

I think she thought I was breathing deeply because I was relaxing, but I was breathing to try and control my rage. Over £50 for one useless hour of stroking, ending up leaving far less relaxed than when I entered! I did complain and hated to but it came out all wrong when I said I could give myself a stroke .

Just me then!!

I once had a head and neck massage by a woman who had clearly just come in from a cigarette break, she stank and was right in my face.

That’s why I never book aromatic or beauty shop massages now. It’s all light and gentle. I do deep tissue and/or Thai. Not that gets in where you need it too!

Once you’ve had a proper sports massage you’ll never go back. There’s no fancy oils, dim lights or Muzak, but they really get into the muscles.

My worst was a maternity package. She wrapped me in hot towels, gave me a head massage, hands and arms and feet. Left me flat on my back for 30 mins to relax. I was huge so couldn’t get up easily and completely overheated. I felt like crap afterwards and it triggered a migraine. All for £55.

Not quite the same but I booked a pedicure when about 39 weeks pregnant. Thought it might be nice for my poor pregnant legs and feet.
Unfortunately the woman doing it was about as pregnant as me so I felt horrendously guilty and like Marie Antoinette throughout.

YANBU

I hate this! I deliberately book deep tissue or sports massage now. Avoid aromatherapy like the plague - that is just gentle stroking with stinky, smelly oils. I mean, my cats like more pressure than that! Remedial is hit or miss - it can be good as part of a full body massage but the last therapist just focussed on my shoulder (the problem) and upper back. For an hour! I felt cheated! Although, it did fix the shoulder pain so I suppose it did fulfil the official job description if not the spirit of the massage.

For my birthday, I treated myself to a massage. I got a phone call 12 minutes before my appointment time asking where I was. Ok, I had been asked to arrive 15 minutes before, but they could allow 5 minutes grace period? As it happened, I had been driving around the car park to find a space and I was a grand total of 6 minutes later than they had wanted me but 9 minutes early for my booking time. On the phone, I was told that they would have to shorten the massage as a result. Given it was super soft despite asking for more pressure, it didn’t actually feel like a great loss. I won’t be going back.

It is such a shame because, since I have moved, I haven’t been able to see a decent massage therapist. If I found one, they could make a fortune from me and it really doesn’t take very much - I don’t need a foofy salon, just somewhere clean, a private room with a door (not curtained cubicles like you see in the local mall),and firm pressure. I tip generously, give champagne for Christmas and never cancel an appointment. I’m easily unsold and persuaded to try other treatments, and I don’t care if they are chatty or not. I’m very loyal and really not that fussy! My hairdresser loves me (she gave me chocolates at my Valentine’s Day appointment, FFS).

Short version - I feel your pain, OP.

I had a morning appointment and the staff had only arrived minutes before me. It was winter and apparently the heating takes a while to kick in. The room was so cold the therapist appolgised for keeping her coat on. I shivered the whole way through.

Similar happened to me the other week OP. Glad to hear I'm not alone with the rage.

This happened to me before. I couldn't have said firm pressure any more in the pre massage consultation. She started and it was awful, she had long nails that kept scratching and it was the lightest most gentle touch ever like she was scared. There's some odd sort of routine going on too; Left shoulder rubbed for 8circles, right shoulder for 8circles, 8strokes up and down my back etc etc. After 5mins I plucked up the courage to ask for firmer pressure, nothing changed so after another 10mins I asked her to stop and I got dressed and left: it was stressing me out so much I couldn't lay there for a minute more.

I've now found the best girl ever. She actually laughs at how firm she can go and loves getting stuck in to get all the knots out. I walk out feeling like I'm liquid. She is an absolute star.

I was given a massage voucher by friends as a gift. The masseuse, who was a tiny Thai lady, started on my legs and told me my ankles were really swollen. I know this, I have thyroid issues/lymphoedema, and had mentioned it on the form I filled in pre massage.

And then she told me that that if I didn’t lose some weight that my knees would be in trouble (I was a size 16, so yes overweight but not exactly “crane lifted out of the house” size). She mentioned how dry my skin was (another delightful symptom of thyroid issues, thank you) so I came out feeling like absolute crap instead of feeling relaxed!

Thank goodness I am not being unreasonable in hating a gentle brushy one. I do usually get sports and deep tissue massages, so this will learn me. What I don't understand is who actually likes a relaxing massage of this stroky nature and is willing to pay for it with conceivably no relaxing qualities?!

I bought a Groupon voucher for a massage at a salon in a nearby town and it was soooo awful - lipstick marks on the towel where you put your face in the hole, and the back massage was just weird stroking on my back. Since it was just a Groupon voucher I just left asap and would never go back!

I think I might be the person who likes the softly softly ones because I always come out of massages feeling like I've been beaten up! I usually say "medium" but it generally kills. Also they invariably comment very funereally on how much tension I carry in my shoulders, which funnily enough doesn't have the effect of loosening me up.

I booked a Thai massage somewhere about a 1.5 hour tube journey away, in the masseuse’s home. It was £75, quite a few years ago. It had glowing reviews on social media. The masseuse took phone calls all through the massage and at one point used my bum to prop her diary open while booking someone in. So weird and I didn’t know where to begin with leaving a review as I’m not on Facebook, just chalked it down to experience.

Oh and I had an ( admittedly quite good ) massage in a hotel in Malta, but the masseuse wouldn’t stop with the hard sell for various skin products all the way through. Such a turn off.

This is stressing me out just reading about it. Why on god's earth would anyone want a stranger touching them, unless it's a doctor doing the touching? It just seems so pervy and odd to lie there and be rubbed while you both know it's only happening because one of you likes it and is paying for it.

You're all weirdos.

I once bought a 'sports massage' on Groupon. Turned up to the appointment only to find out that the therapist had a broken wrist!! She managed to carry out a half hearted, one handed massage for half the time that was planned. She was clearly desperate for custom.

I was most disappointed as I'm a fully qualified sports massage therapist and make it my mission to massage with as much pressure as possible.

....and with two fully functioning hands I might add!

The take home message here seems to be avoid buying a massage on Groupon.

I feel your pain. Or lack of.

I've just come back from an hour's torture session of very deep pummelling. I've been seeing this particular therapist for years and would be so disappointed if she moved away.

As others have said, you'll just have to make sure to book a deep tissue or sports massage next time. I actually wish we had more male masseurs in this country. I have seen several while abroad. They generally have broader fingers and thumbs which work well for my shoulder knots, plus they tend to be strong, have more weight to put behind their movements and don't have long nails.

Plinky plonky massages they're called in our house.

I don't bother paying £50-£80 for a massage now.
Our local physio has sports massage therapists who do a fantastic job for £22
I come out feeling like I've been beaten up but it's soooo good

I don’t mind a strokey massage if I know that’s what I’m getting. I have regular sports massages which aren’t at all relaxing but do wonders for my shoulders

DH bought a groupon voucher for me and dd years ago. It was so bad it could have been a sitcom. The whole place was kitted out like a downmarket bordello. The massage girl was clearly not trained and kept leaving the room to answer the phone. The owner could be heard arguing loudly with customers wanting their money back.
We still talk about that experience.

@FolornLawn

This is stressing me out just reading about it. Why on god's earth would anyone want a stranger touching them, unless it's a doctor doing the touching? It just seems so pervy and odd to lie there and be rubbed while you both know it's only happening because one of you likes it and is paying for it.

You're all weirdos.

That is a bit weird. Are you phoning about people touching you in general?

Anyway, my therapist is bloody fantastic. But so much so, I won’t go to anyone else. I’ve had so many namby-pamby massages over the years that have left me frustrated.

*phobic not phoning