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Original poster

Relaxing massage disappointment, tell me your stories and make me feel better

102 replies

Stumpedasatree · 14/02/2022 09:36

I booked a relaxing massage a couple of days ago at a salon I'd been to for other treatments. I was so looking forward to it with some back and neck tension that I anticipated being eased.

Cue 1 torturous hour of gentle feathery stroking with oil. Up and down up and down, across and round. I asked three times for more pressure and tried to give approval when it felt like she may actually be putting some welly in to actually give my poor body some benefit. By the time she got on to my arms, and spent 10 minutes tickling and stroking each arm, then onto each bloody finger my other hand was clenching into a fist and I was taking deep breaths to stop myself punching the poor girl away from me.

I think she thought I was breathing deeply because I was relaxing, but I was breathing to try and control my rage. Over £50 for one useless hour of stroking, ending up leaving far less relaxed than when I entered! I did complain and hated to but it came out all wrong when I said I could give myself a stroke .

OP posts:

FennecShandDoesEverything · 14/02/2022 21:35

@namechangedyetagain

I have been in actual agony with my back / shoulders/ neck. Would a sports massage help? It all feels so tight and stressed

I don't think any amateur on the internet would want to make you any promises, but if it's a muscular issue, yes, there's a good chance a knowledgeable sports/deep tissue massage therapist would help you. It wouldn't be instant relief, a deep massage tends to leave an ache but it does leave you loosened out.

Spudlet · 14/02/2022 21:37

Book a sports massage. I am a sports massage therapist. My best feedback so far has been the bloke who’d only ever had massage at Center Parcs and that they didn’t put enough pressure on… he told me afterwards ‘That was NOT a Center Parcs massage!’ (CP being one of those places that works their therapists into the ground, from what I’ve heard). Mind you, I do stick some music on while I work - but I get in their with my elbows while I’m at it!

Spudlet · 14/02/2022 21:40

Oh, that comment was a general one but @namechangedyetagain - obviously it would depend on the underlying causes but a decent sports massage should help to relieve tension in the muscles and can really help. (Sports massage is basically targeted deep tissue massage as opposed to a full body deep tissue massage.)

Helloninjas · 14/02/2022 21:46

Had so many completely bonkers massages. The woman in her home who had great reviews but sobbed throughout about the amount of men who tried to get her to do “ extras”. Heartbreaking, not relaxing.
The pregnancy massage with a really perky lady who’s whole chat was her thoughts euthanasia. Old people and disabled people should all be offed. Absolutely horrific. Then the taxi driver that took me home went on a rant about all English women being sluts and he was happy I was having a boy.
A Thai massage. Massage was awesome, at the end ruined by clear sounds from the next room of a man having an orgasm.
I saw an advert on local Facebook for a distressing massage. I thought it summed up all my massages.

howdidigettobe50something · 14/02/2022 22:18

I agree there's nothing worse than a 'feathery' massage and feeling cheated out of the benefit of the treatment.
I once had a spa day with friends and it was a bit like a conveyor belt of treatments and we all went from room to room having facials and massages.
When it was my turn for the massage, I was so disappointed that there was virtually zero pressure applied and it consisted of repetitive circular stroking. It was made worse by the one sided nature ...the therapist was obviously texting for some time with her other hand!

On another occasion in Turkey I had the pleasure of a Hammam treatment and the masseuse was amazing. He spent ages getting the knots out of my shoulders and when I noticed really firm pressure I realized that he was kneeling on my back! It was wonderful!

FennecShandDoesEverything · 14/02/2022 22:23

Massage with any pressure is completely exhausting. I don't know how the good ones do it all day, even if they use their entire bodyweight.

I like that some spas now have an option on the pre-check where you can specify whether you want chat or quiet. I don't mind Tibetan bells, but FGS don't talk to me other than maybe an occasional "how's the pressure" or "try stretching this out a bit more" because I want to go into my vaguely hypnotised limp noodle state.

Hedonism · 14/02/2022 22:32

@FolornLawn

This is stressing me out just reading about it. Why on god's earth would anyone want a stranger touching them, unless it's a doctor doing the touching? It just seems so pervy and odd to lie there and be rubbed while you both know it's only happening because one of you likes it and is paying for it.

You're all weirdos.

Yes! You've totally summed it up. I never relax in any kind of massage because I am so aware that I am paying a random person to do something very intimate!

PermanentTemporary · 14/02/2022 22:35

These are brilliant @whataboutbob sorry but I ROARED at the therapist using your bum to prop open her diary [wheeze]

I'm one for a deep massage and I know 3 places in my city that will absolutely take you down. The Thai one is a bit too painful tbh but by gum it's intense, especiallywhen she walks on your back. Then there's a brilliant man originally from Turkey. I once booked his 'relaxing massage' reasoning that it had to be less painful than the usual. Ahahaha. I think it just meant he faced the massage bed towards the 'Relax' sign on the wall. But I always walk out of there feeling about an inch longer. Now I have a guy who comes to the house so I can just fall into bed afterwards. He only does one session a day (after his main job).

Essentially I've learned you have to pay through the nose for pressure and tbh it makes sense, it's hard.

Unsuremover · 14/02/2022 22:49

I got a generous gift voucher for a spa as a leaving gift. On the night out I was bought many drinks and persuaded tp use the voucher straight away. They had an offer on for 8 for the price of 5 massages or something. I was like being beaten up, I had to breathe through the pain sometimes. The masseuse was under 5ft and maybe 6 stone but my god could she apply pressure. She turned and twisted me to best affect. Afterwards I could hardly drive I was so relaxed, after the first one I thought I’d maybe been drugged because of how good I felt.
Could never understand why people went in groups though - it was hard work and you couldn’t talk during. Eventually persuaded for sisters birthday - different spa many years later. Was gently stroked and spent the whole time concerned with keeping my bits covered. Not the same at all. The first lady was definitely within the pant area but so all about business I wasn’t self conscious where as strokey hands made such an effort to stay away we were born more aware.

CosyKnits · 14/02/2022 23:41

My experience wasn't bad exactly but it wasn't relaxing either. I was pregnant and like a PP, so was my massage therapist. I felt instantly guilty.

She was fairly newly pregnant, obviously very excited about it and we spent the next hour chatting about it, when what I really wanted was to switch off and forget about pregnancy for a while. She was lovely but not at all what I'd hoped for!

lucythejuicy · 15/02/2022 07:09

I'm exactly the same it irritates the hell out of me. I want my muscles pummelled. If I'm getting a strokey it winds me up the whole way through. Have you tried cupping. That's amazing

Bluesheep8 · 15/02/2022 10:32

Why on god's earth would anyone want a stranger touching them, unless it's a doctor doing the touching? It just seems so pervy and odd to lie there and be rubbed while you both know it's only happening because one of you likes it and is paying for it.

Because massage is beneficial for some quite painful problems perhaps?

SiobhanSharpe · 15/02/2022 10:44

I hate a firm massage and always ask for light pressure - but the point is, the OP like everyone else is entitled to receive exactly the massage they wanted and paid for.
The salon should make it clear exactly what their therapists provide -- and refund if they don't follow through on this and the client finds it unsatisfactory.

Franklin12 · 15/02/2022 10:52

Was in a very very posh hotel in Egypt and booked a set of 3 massages and the masseur was a young man. I only had on a pair of those paper pants and whilst he was very good I got so relaxed he felt on the last one that he could enquire whether I would like to be massaged ‘down there’!

When I returned home I was asked to fill in a survey and I mentioned it and the German General Manager called me and it was a horribly embarrassing conversation where he was saying I don’t want to embarrass you, please don’t use any words you aren’t comfortable using.

I think he knew though what I was getting at and even now many years later I don’t regret flagging it. I think it’s cultural differences and maybe this chap thought I wanted something like that!

Rewritethestars1 · 15/02/2022 10:57

@Spudlet I really want to book in for a sports massage as im so tense. I'm soft when it cones to pain though and scared it will hurt. Will I be able to handle it as a soft as s#%t individual.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/02/2022 11:03

I think I might be the person who likes the softly softly ones because I always come out of massages feeling like I've been beaten up!

I like a gentle massage too. I usually love a hot stone massage, but I went for one where she basically battered me with the stones for 90 minutes. I asked her several times to ease off, and she basically told me that if she didn't hammer the knots out of my neck I would be a hunchback by the time I was 30.

The knots were caused by me flinching from the beating!

Spudlet · 15/02/2022 11:07

[quote Rewritethestars1]@Spudlet I really want to book in for a sports massage as im so tense. I'm soft when it cones to pain though and scared it will hurt. Will I be able to handle it as a soft as s#%t individual.[/quote]
I can’t speak for every therapist out there, but if you came to me and told me that, I would be working with you all the way through to get the pressure right for you. Yes, it can be an intense pressure but there should be plenty of gentler work to warm your muscles first, and it should never be out and out painful - all you do if it hurts is tense up and that doesn’t help anyone! So find the right therapist (and I’d like to think that most of us work like that now) and you should be just fine

FennecShandDoesEverything · 15/02/2022 11:40

[quote Rewritethestars1]@Spudlet I really want to book in for a sports massage as im so tense. I'm soft when it cones to pain though and scared it will hurt. Will I be able to handle it as a soft as s#%t individual.[/quote]
You can always, always say "stop" or "that's too firm". A good massage therapist will 1) check what pressure you want and whether you have any experience with massage before they start 2) check in during the massage as well.

I'd look for someone who does sports massage specifically and as PP have suggested, perhaps out of a physiotherapy clinic - then you are likely to get someone well trained with real therapeutic skill rather than a beautician who just does it as a sideline to nails.

dementedma · 15/02/2022 11:45

My masseur is brilliant. Deep massage with elbows and forearms where needed, lighter if asked for. Spotlessly clean salon. 90 minutes of bliss.

Rewritethestars1 · 15/02/2022 11:47

Thanks @Spudlet and @FennecShandDoesEverything

LaurieFairyCake · 15/02/2022 11:52

My current (hard!) massage therapist is an anti-vaxxer

In the first massage I got her to tell me all about it - she got increasingly aerated and pummelly and I've had her back every week since

She's mad as mad can be but really uses her elbows well

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/02/2022 11:59

@LaurieFairyCake

My current (hard!) massage therapist is an anti-vaxxer

In the first massage I got her to tell me all about it - she got increasingly aerated and pummelly and I've had her back every week since

She's mad as mad can be but really uses her elbows well

🤣🤣🤣

I’m so going to try this! Find the hot button topic, get them all riled up and enjoy a decent massage!

whataboutbob · 15/02/2022 12:05

Happy to provide some entertainment @PermanentTemporary!

FennecShandDoesEverything · 15/02/2022 12:11

Yes @whataboutbob, it would have made me FURIOUS if I were you, but the image of her propping her diary on your bum is undeniably hilarious.

PP who think massages are "pervy" - they're a legitimate therapeutic intervention that can be very effective. There's a reason that every professional sports team has a full time massage therapist on staff. The massage I mentioned having previously from a football team's therapist was amazingly professional, even though he was getting right in there on my bum. There was nothing sexual about it - he was keeping a major muscle group in top condition.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 15/02/2022 12:25

@Timeandtune

Can you tell me? I had a great one but they closed down during covid.

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