Relaxing massage disappointment, tell me your stories and make me feel better

[Stumpedasatree]

I booked a relaxing massage a couple of days ago at a salon I'd been to for other treatments. I was so looking forward to it with some back and neck tension that I anticipated being eased.

Cue 1 torturous hour of gentle feathery stroking with oil. Up and down up and down, across and round. I asked three times for more pressure and tried to give approval when it felt like she may actually be putting some welly in to actually give my poor body some benefit. By the time she got on to my arms, and spent 10 minutes tickling and stroking each arm, then onto each bloody finger my other hand was clenching into a fist and I was taking deep breaths to stop myself punching the poor girl away from me.

I think she thought I was breathing deeply because I was relaxing, but I was breathing to try and control my rage. Over £50 for one useless hour of stroking, ending up leaving far less relaxed than when I entered! I did complain and hated to but it came out all wrong when I said I could give myself a stroke .

My mum once got a groupon massage deal for herself and a friend. It got to the day and her friend couldn't make it so she asked if I wanted to go. Great thought I!

We arrive and one therapist is mum's age and the other is my age, and someone I went to school with who was a total bitch to me. Probably the last person you'd want to take your clothes off and be touched by.

Both of us were too embarrassed to say anything so off I went for the most awkward hour of my life.

Mum had a great time chatting to her therapist whilst I remained in stony silence unless asked a direct question

It's not just the poor understanding of pressure, it's the lack of overall skill and knowledge of massage techniques. I think because a good massage is relaxing it's somehow crossed over into a category of 'pampering' on a par with other pampering things like getting your nails done or going for tea and cake. I mourn the loss of a therapist I was a regular with for years. She gave a proper, firm, personalised massage that listened to and dealt with stuff going on in my body, but more than that, she took control of the experience in a very clever way, starting it off by a gradual increase in pressure at the top and bottom of my spine and finishing the whole thing with releasing pressure on my temples and then my shoulders - it was kind of orchestral and really transporting.

The last one I had, a birthday treat from a friend, was irritatingly strokey, in a freezing room with an extra plug-in heater humming away, I was bored and annoyed for most of it.