Relaxing massage disappointment, tell me your stories and make me feel better

[Stumpedasatree]

I booked a relaxing massage a couple of days ago at a salon I'd been to for other treatments. I was so looking forward to it with some back and neck tension that I anticipated being eased.

Cue 1 torturous hour of gentle feathery stroking with oil. Up and down up and down, across and round. I asked three times for more pressure and tried to give approval when it felt like she may actually be putting some welly in to actually give my poor body some benefit. By the time she got on to my arms, and spent 10 minutes tickling and stroking each arm, then onto each bloody finger my other hand was clenching into a fist and I was taking deep breaths to stop myself punching the poor girl away from me.

I think she thought I was breathing deeply because I was relaxing, but I was breathing to try and control my rage. Over £50 for one useless hour of stroking, ending up leaving far less relaxed than when I entered! I did complain and hated to but it came out all wrong when I said I could give myself a stroke .

A friend of mine worked at a well known spa. She was a beauty therapist but a lot of the packages come with a massage. None of the team liked massages, they had been trained in the softly softly ones and clients always asked for more pressure. They were uncomfortable doing this, worried they might injure a client and generally a good pressure massage is hard work - again not something the staff had signed up for.
Personally I book sports or deep tissue as I'd rather not bother with a soft version

I've had some awful massages in the past but I have two great therapists now - they go so deep that I get bruised on my back. One of them did say I had a back like concrete so I just submit to the pain trying to get it more relaxed!

There is a problem with salons not employing trained massage therapists.

And there’s also a problem with salons, especially day spa kind of places, booking massages back-to-back with one poor therapist. Their wrists are probably knackered by the time they see you!!

I love a gentle strokey massage with all nice smells.

It is odd though if you think about it, my sister and I go on an annual spa weekend and always say

“Bye, we’re off to sit in bubbly water and get stroked by strangers!”

Oh I hate a feathery strokey massage!

If you're in a spa place and not sure if you can get a decent pressure, book hot stones. At least then you get the release from the heat and it's not as irritating.

My worst massage was a special treat at the Elemis spa in London . The lady was lovely but she spoke throughout the treatment which ruined it for me. In the introduction chit chat I made the mistake of saying I had a horse and the next hour and a half was spent with her asking me every conceivable question about horses and how she and her boyfriend would love to have a small holding .

I booked an - excellent, proper hard - sports massage as a treat. Massage was good but we got talking and instead of being able to shut my eyes and enjoy it, we ended up doing a full hour of education and SEN law.

It was expensive and prepaid so although I didn't mind, I didn't tip.

I still feel mean and ashamed about the not tipping.

I agree OP. They're a waste of money. I feel much better after a hot yoga session.

Years ago on holiday in Turkey I treated myself to a massage. Walked in, there's a very young man stood there. I should have said something but felt too embarrassed.
The massage started with me on my tummy. He got higher and higher up my legs his thumbs almost up my crack. I was so bloody clenched I couldn't breathe.
When it finally finished he asked if I would like any 'extras'. I bloody ran out of there.

Oh dear, just reading this is making me want to scream inside!
I had heard very good things about a spa hotel in Harrogate and as the reviews sounded so amazing, booked a two hours massage. It was incredibly expensive and incredibly useless, I felt so frustrated as I lay there being gently stroked. It felt like my three year old niece was stroking me.

I'm completely the opposite. I hate high-pressure massages! They hurt me.

I'd love a soft one but never end up booking for fear of getting a painful one. I usually go for scalp massage or facial instead.

I absolutely love a massage but I’m a total wuss and like a gentle massage. I always feel beaten up after a firm massage.

I would be so disappointed too! I like a firm deep massage, not gentle light crap. The girl I go to is amazing though, she gets her firearms and elbows involved. Sometimes it boarders on uncomfortable but I always feel fantastic afterwards.

I got a voucher from work and treated myself to a facial.
Well firstly I had to fill in 3 separate forms with the same information- covid apparently- then my wrinkles were gently tickled for 15 minutes. Oh and she coughed a lot at a point when covid isolation was 10 days.
To cap it off there was a rainstorm and flooding on the way home so the 20 minute drive took an hour and a half.

I had an otherwise nice massage that was slightly asymmetrical and it drove me absolutely bonkers

@whataboutbob

The take home message here seems to be avoid buying a massage on Groupon.

I once got a Groupon for a deep tissue massage by the massage therapist to Dulwich FC.

....Freeeeeooow that was like no other massage I've ever had. He REALLY GOT IN THERE on my glutes. I'd pay him again any time.

I've got a few corkers

1. Had a massage and my head was in that hole thing and underneath the hole was the rubbish bin.

1. Had a face massage and while the mask was on the therapist went out for a fag, didn't wash her hands, and then put her stinky faggy hands on my face.

1. Went to have a massage, pulled back blanket and there was a woman shaped impression on the blanket underneath lol, the therapist hadn't even changed the blanket or smoothed it out between clients.

1. In Bangkok, lady therapist grabbed my breasts and starting giggling and shaking them and saying how big they were.

Yeah, I need to up my game.

I have found a great “proper “ massage therapist. Really deep and can be borderline uncomfortable but feel inches taller afterwards.
If anyone wants a recommendation for the Glasgow area just let me know.

oh forgot to add the worst one

1. Had a one hour aromotherapy massage with a therapist who was allergic to the oils and sniffed loudly every 10 seconds throughout the hour. I didn't say anything for the first 5 minutes but after that I asked her if she was ok (which was really my polite way of saying "what the fuck do you keep sniffing for). It was then that she told me she was allergic to the oils. It took every ounce of my willpower not to scream "WELL YOU'RE IN THE WRONG FUCKING JOB THEN AREN'T YOU"?

I didn't though.

I've mostly had good massages fwiw. Although when I booked pregnancy ones I made a point of ensuring they had THE TABLE WITH THE HOLE after some shit ones where they make you get massaged sitting up.

I fucked up my neck and shoulder muscles at a party a few weekends ago, decided on Monday that This Would Not Do and had a masseur who did a very capable job unknotting me at my house 90 minutes later. I love the modern age sometimes. But yeah, I don't want a delicately scented tickle. I want you to make me say "ooooohrreaadhgr".

I went to a fancy spa and treated myself to a massage. Over the next two days I slowly seized up and could barely walk. Doctor diagnosed sciatica. Ever since, I blame that bloody place, particularly when it starts up again.

Though I booked a Swedish massage last month and asked for light pressure, and came out feeling like I was wine drunk (in the best way) at 11am on a Saturday morning!

I think beauty salons just offer them because they think they should. They are always useless.

The worst I had was a home one who had me propped up weirdly on a pillow. Felt utterly sick.

I have been in actual agony with my back / shoulders/ neck. Would a sports massage help? It all feels so tight and stressed

A few years ago I went to a very well known health spa chain for a weekend stay which included a massage. The woman started the massage by asking lots of questions about the (very common and not note worthy) illness I’d put on my health declaration and did not shut up for the full hour.
By the end of it I knew all about her children, each of their dads, the wrongdoings they’d done to her, how much she hated doing massages and just wanted to do eyelashes instead but management wouldn’t let her etc etc. It honestly was never ending and the least relaxing massage I’ve ever had.