Aging: how comfortable are you with it?

[MattBerrysHair]

Hi all,

I've just been googling pics of celebrities who have aged naturally and those who have taken to botox and fillers to stave off the wrinkles and crêpiness.

I'm 36 and have very large areas of grey at the temples and a distinct mallen streak, which I can't cover because of extreme skin sensitivity. I have very dark hair so it stands out and I'm aware I look 'old' for my age, but I'm mostly I'm OK with it. However, every now and then I wistfully look at old photos of myself when I could still dye my hair and sadly think 'I used to be pretty'!

Then I make a point of looking online for pics of women who have aged gracefully, or pics of younger women with premature grey.

I don't like that I feel negative about a natural process that we all experience. I don't like the idea of 'anti aging', as if it's something to be cured. I'd quite like 'youthful' to refer only to an attitude or state of mind rather than one's physical appearance.

So I guess I'm uncomfortable with my own discomfort of my natural aging, more so than the actual discomfort of my own aging.....

Well I didn't say it was devastating, in fact I specifically said I've found it liberating at times. But that's a fair point that if you're used to being noticed, it's harder to deal with. It certainly threw me off balance for a while, and incidentally I've never been beautiful.

Well I was beautiful and it is a mental adjustment. Like if they're looking twice and are quite fanciable I have to remind myself they are not admiring my profile it probably means I've got something stuck to my nose.

It must be a big mental adjustment to make to go from turning every head in the room to just blending in with the crowd.

It's fine. It's like at all ages, you see your own people. Like when you're a teenager you only see other teens. When you're pregnant you see all the other pregnant women that you had previously never noticed. Now in my sixties I see all the old people that used to be invisible to me. I am not invisible to them either, just to the generations that came after us. It's fine.

It's not just women this happens to. My DH was an extremely attractive man and as a young man was traffic-stopping gorgeous. He is relatively invisible now too.

Until you are invisible you can't imagine that you would ever be invisible. The people who don't get that are not yet invisible.

I don't get this because I have no desire to be particularly visible. Do you mean attracting no attention relating to your looks? I'm happily married and have no wish to turn heads! I'm very glad that my self-esteem isn't based on whether strangers find me worth staring at tbh.

I'm 44 and doing pretty well so far: have a few wrinkles and am about 25% grey but don't dye it. I think tinting grey hair looks naff because it either looks obviously dyed (that nauseating brownish-khaki shade or just far too dark) or the grey roots are visible. Grey hair tinted blonde just reminds me of a heavy smoker's hair.

People often express horror that I am 'too young for grey hair' (er, clearly not ) and advise me to dye it. Even my last dentist told me this. I have a different dentist now.

Knittink my comment wasn't about turning heads. It was about being invisible - a very different experience and one it seems you have yet to encounter. I quite like the freedom invisibility brings.

Mid 30shere. No grey hair but a few shallow wrinkles - between my mouth and nose, and at the top of my nose. None around my eyes yet. I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I feel like I'm ageing noticeably year by year just now whilst I looked the same for most of my 20s. I used to get mistaken for younger a lot and was IDed into my early 30s. I think the strangest thing about looking older is that I still feel like a young inexperienced adult and my appearance no longer reflects that.

my comment wasn't about turning heads. It was about being invisible - a very different experience

I agree. There have been threads about this before and every time, some posters assume we're just talking about loss of sexual attention whereas in fact I would say it's younger women who ignore me the most.

I think the strangest thing about looking older is that I still feel like a young inexperienced adult and my appearance no longer reflects that.

That young inexperienced feeling never went away for me and I feel like an imposter to still feel like that in my 60s!

I'm 34 I dye my ever greying hair and have just had secret botox...soooo

I would say it's younger women who ignore me the most. Yes, exactly this, Floisme.

Especially in shops, especially when I'm in shops with my mid thirties daughter. They speak only to her, they look only at her. If I speak they may glance my way but their reply is directed to her. It's bizarre!

Being invisible people walk into you.

It is like you are not there.

I wonder if a group of 60+ year olds robbed a bank without cctv would anyone know what they looked like.

@N0b0dysMot
I can't speak for @bbck but @clairefromMergersAcquisitions we all know we'd rather be alive than dead!

I think you are mixing me up with another poster as I didn't say that.

That young inexperienced feeling never went away for me and I feel like an imposter to still feel like that in my 60s!

I think it'll be the same for me! I feel like I'm just playing at being an adult

My kids think I never got past 21

whereas in fact I would say it's younger women who ignore me the most

Or they say "bless" when you speak to them. Or maybe it's just me they say that to, but one day I'm going to lose my rag!

I am 44, few % grey. I have black hair, so my grey is very visible. I never mind aging until I realise it has effect my job opportunities. People definitely treat me nicer when I was young, I have social anxiety, I really noticed the difference.

@theboxofdelights your comment is steeped in denial.
I also reject society's devaluation of me as a woman but that is my healthy sense of self. It still happens. Male actors and news readers are not let out to pasture in their early forties

Either u are protected from this by having a very high status job or are protected from it to a d4gree by your wealth but it cannot really be something you fail to acknowledge?

It is not that i am saying women have l3ss value. Im saying society values them less
And if you are able to block that out due to wealth, status, high profile marriage, youth? Then good for you. It is not a comfortable truth.

Also on a serious note, denial is not the best way to deal with ageing, or anything.

I’m 35, have a Mallen streak as well but facially don’t look 35. I’ve been mistaken for 24/25. I think the layer of fat helps 😂

Posted too soon - I am not fussed at all about getting older. I don’t feel older, I’m at uni and around much younger women who I fit in with despite my advancing years and kids etc. You’re only as old as you feel at the end of the day.

But you're 35. How would you know?

I agree @Nobodysmot, women have less value as a societal group. Various privileges can protect us from the worst aspects, but as each privilege is diminished, the more invisible you become. Youth, wealth, skin colour, social class, will all mitigate the worst of it, if you find yourself in a privileged group by accident of birth. I don't think beauty is any kind of privilege, because it makes women more vulnerable, good looking men get promoted etc. good looking women are seen as 'bimbos'.(Generalisation, I admit, but it is usually the case) Beautiful women only progress upwards in careers that value looks above all else, and then crash as they age.

The OP is 36, I didn’t realise there was a minimum age to join this discussion.