Aging: how comfortable are you with it?

[MattBerrysHair]

Hi all,

I've just been googling pics of celebrities who have aged naturally and those who have taken to botox and fillers to stave off the wrinkles and crêpiness.

I'm 36 and have very large areas of grey at the temples and a distinct mallen streak, which I can't cover because of extreme skin sensitivity. I have very dark hair so it stands out and I'm aware I look 'old' for my age, but I'm mostly I'm OK with it. However, every now and then I wistfully look at old photos of myself when I could still dye my hair and sadly think 'I used to be pretty'!

Then I make a point of looking online for pics of women who have aged gracefully, or pics of younger women with premature grey.

I don't like that I feel negative about a natural process that we all experience. I don't like the idea of 'anti aging', as if it's something to be cured. I'd quite like 'youthful' to refer only to an attitude or state of mind rather than one's physical appearance.

So I guess I'm uncomfortable with my own discomfort of my natural aging, more so than the actual discomfort of my own aging.....

It's funny how many people answered with reference to dyeing their hair. I have a few grey hairs that I don't dye - grey hair can look great and is easily covered if you don't like it. My problem is hair thinning- this has been far more detrimental to my self-esteem. I look so much older than I did a couple of years ago and it has really knocked my confidence. I also have mobility problems. 5 years ago I didn't think about ageing and suddenly it's caught up with me much earlier (midforties) than I expected!

I have never been stunning, so was not too worried about the effect ageing would have on me. I'm in my 60s - the main difficulty I have is with my silhouette- it just doesn't match the one I have been used to because I was always thin.

I am lucky enough to have bad eyesight so can't really see the wrinkles and odd hair.
😀 And most people are too polite to mention them or just don't notice. I smile a lot and that distracts attention.

I have been lucky with my hair - it was always mousy and flyaway in the past. It has thickened up, now grows quite fast, and has darkened to a lovely brown. There's the odd grey hair same as in my 30s. So, at least one feature that I am delighted with now!

@theboxofdelights, what dont you get? 🤷‍♀️
If y

Acknowledging that women's perceived value declines in society's eyes doesn't mean that one has no sense of self as a person.

I still feel feminine but my value is as a person now. Both in society's eyes and in my own.

I'm in my early 60s and used to be lovely. The bonus of getting old is that close up vision also goes so on a good day in a dim light I can still see a glimmer of that lovely, but only in my eyes. In a young person's eyes I'm sure I look like a genuine old person. Recently I had to keep this in mind when I found myself with a crush on a nice young man in his 30s. We have rubbed shoulders through a shared hobby (in flattering evening light) and there was a definite spark so next time I saw him I wore no make up and sat under the main light just to put a stop to that madness. We had a nice chat and I made sure to mention songs from 'when I was young' and stuff like that. I feel safely back in my old person's box now but it was a bit of fun for a moment there.

I hear you on the thinning hair Kewqueue. It's the first ageing symptom so far that's really got to me. Wrinkles and grey hair didn't trouble me and even my jowls I can joke about but the hair loss is distressing and I'm finding it hard to see the funny side. I'm sure there will be other upsets ahead too and I think that's why it's hard to adjust - just as you're making your peace with one change, something else comes along.

@goldinthemtherestars ! That is what i mean. You felt that human connection but due to your exterior, it was never going to be more than a conversation. Which is ok. And i value this conversation regardless.

Men dont have this sense of adjustment or sense of loss of opportunity because 30 year old women do sometimes form relationships or have sex with 60 something men, so as men age, they still talk to women half their age without feeling that they need to be aware of reality and put themselves back in their box. They continue to live with awareness that there is potential. There is opportunity. They are not young themselves but it is not considered delusional to get close to younger people / women. I notice this in my office, not just referring to relationships but just generally.

I am 48 and think my blonde highlights are actually starting to age me, maybe its partly because my skin tone is changing. I keep thinking that its time to go slightly shorter and darker with my hair (but something funky and trendy).

My skin is not great but I do what I can to eat well and get plenty of exercise. Hate those skincare ads on the telly that supposedly show women in their 50s or 60s with perfect skin, so unrealistic.

Lets face it there is so much pressure to be perfect nowadays - no matter what your age!

Well I left my abusive ex, have had a few short relationships and all except one with younger men. I never set out to do this but it just happened that way. My abusive ex was 8 years younger than me and my DP is 37, I'm 51. I don't think age matters so much anymore and men the same age as me are in a lot worse condition than women my age that I know. Because women have taken care of themselves and men have sat back and let themselves go to seed.
Single middle aged men are usually just out of marriages and their ex partners took care of them. They're largely, and I realise this is a sweeping generalising assumption, looking for someone to step into their ex wife's place, look after them etc. Not attractive, at least not to me. I still feel energetic, want to do new things, and don't want to be tied down to someone that constantly moans about the weather

'men the same age as me are in a lot worse condition than women my age that I know. Because women have taken care of themselves and men have sat back and let themselves go to seed.'

This is my experience too. There's this myth that men age 'better' than women. But I think that's largely down to Hollywood allowing men to age better than women and pairing them up onscreen (and off!) with women who are 20 years their junior. But back here in real life it's as you say, women tend to (generalising here) have taken better care of their looks all along.

I am 46 but also blessed with bad eye sight and don’t wear glasses so I never see how bad things really are.

It is my experience too but i cannot control how men view me. No single man my age ever thinks 'wow u are healthy slim thick hair good skin'. They still look over yr shoulder!!
Im used to it now.

I'm 47. I have no visible grey hair (I find the odd one occasionally) and reasonably young-looking skin (it was quite oily which probably helps).

I am not bothered about aging from an aesthetic point of view. I've no intention of dyeing my hair and generally don't try and make myself look younger than I am. I would never consider having any kind of cosmetic procedure to combat signs of ageing.

The only aspects of aging that bother me are the potential for more health problems or reduced fitness tbh.

Are men really so ready to write women off once menopause occurs? My dp is 42 and his ultimate celebrity crushes are Scarlett Johansson and Helen Mirren. He can't be the only man to not care about age, surely!

So many people have said they're not ready to go grey yet, or that they don't actually have much anyway. I don't have the option of not being grey at 36, does this mean I look old before my time? See attached pics!

As far as my skin goes, eczema has damaged it and I have fine lines around my mouth and eyes, and worry lines on my forehead. I'm not bothered by that as I work outside and the damage from sun and wind would happen anyway, it is what it is. I've never had great skin so it's no great loss, but I used to have amazing hair.

I'm 48, and though I have never been attractive at any age I have to confess that I am finding it hard to accept. The sudden loss of all skin tone is especially bothering me at the moment. If I could just come to terms with myself and stop hoping that I could look even remotely nice I am sure that I would be in a much better place mentally, and maybe physically too.

I’m 45 and hate how I am aging. I only have one grey hair but I have suddenly developed wrinkles and frown lines and jowls. I have just bought a face serum and facial massager and I have googled Botox but can’t possibly afford it.

I used to be quite pretty (I wasn’t big headed about it, never drew attention to myself, jeans and baggy jumpers, no make up) and as a shy mouse I hated peoples heads turning when I walked by. It’s actually worse now that no one gives me a second glance. I feel old and ugly and invisible. My DH loves me and tells me I am gorgeous, so beautiful and that he’s so lucky but whenever I look in the mirror I see my mother looking back at me. I think the fact I have also suddenly developed painful arthritis is several joints is also making me feel old, I feel everything is only going to get worse.

Also, women who are married are sometimes (not always) unaware that a portion of their perceived value to society is as one half of a couple.

N0b0dysMot This unfortunate truth might be hard for some people to acknowledge but as a very long married woman I am aware of this and agree. It's not fair and completely wrong but it is the way things are in our society.

Lots of thoughtful posts here.

One thing I would say to everyone still in their 30s, 40s and up to late 50s. You are not showing the real signs of age yet, so make the most of everything while it lasts. At 50 I was still much like I was at 38 or 40. Mid 30s to early 50s I was probably at my best. A late menopause probably helped me but I didn't really start to look noticeably different until maybe 58 or 59. Early 60s it has started to show, and it's not so much in hair colour or figure or anything that easily fixed. It's a general softening... of everything. Neck, jawline, arms (I had lovely arms, now they are suddenly old lady soft in a way I wasn't expecting.)

If you've kept your hair and figure and from the back or glimpse from the side you still look great what happens? I am now prepared for the face falls when second and third glances see the reality. The alternative I suppose is to get some sort of short old lady haircut and wear old lady clothes and push a tartan shopping trolley to avoid that happening altogether.

women's perceived value declines in society's eyes

I don’t get this at all, I don’t recognise it or see it.

The worst for me is the jowls, the lower part of my face is Brexit-ing.

Still have a waist, get my hair highlighted every 6 weeks, have taken up yoga to cope with the aches in my hips, skin is great due to 2.5% retinol and vitamin C cream.

Hormones are beginning to be a problem - I get cold and hot at the same time which is weird as fuck.

I think that sentence would be more accurate if changed to 'people's perceived value declines in society's eyes'. That is an unfortunate reality and applies to men as well as women.

I don’t get this at all, I don’t recognise it or see it.
I didn't either till I hit my late 50s. Now I see it all the time.

In what context Flo?

Agree, Floisme. Until you are invisible you can't imagine that you would ever be invisible. The people who don't get that are not yet invisible. It doesn't usually happen until you're in your sixties. You can avoid it entirely if you are one of those vivacious older ladies sometimes featured on Pinterest and Instagram, with extremely long silvery hair and crimson lips wearing purple tights and a bohemian embroidered jacket and exotic statement jewellery. If your style is more reserved then invisibility seems inevitable.

I would definitely want to dye my hair. But I can't as I am allergic to all hair dyes.

Used to get a wash in dye which seemed to last by Schwarzkopf it used to be a tube in a little package that looked like a handbag.

once they stopped doing that I haven't found anything that I can use. My hair hasn't gone totally grey but more mousy and grey.

I used to be auburn.

I used to have great skin. Even up to a couple of years ago. Now they seemed to add hylauronic acid into everything and have just had to stop using stuff that I was assured didn't contain any. My face looks like I have spent the last 6 weeks in a dry wind swept region. Red and skin peeling and incredibly dry.

I am considering a face lift as my jowels just make me look miserable.

The way I am treated is definitely down to how I look and I wouldn't recommend letting nature take its course.

In what context Flo?
Pretty much everywhere. People's eyes slide off you - not just men, younger women too. You make a point in a meeting and it's ignored - then later on a younger person says the same thing and everyone nods.
You get into a lift with them and they carry on talking over your head, without even saying hello.
Or you're sitting on your own in a coffee shop and someone dumps a load of used cups on your table - when you point out that you're sitting there, they're mortified and apologise but the thing is, they literally hadn't seen you.

I could go on and on - all small things in themselves and no doubt someone younger will come along and say that things like that already happen to them. But my point is that they didn't happen to me before and now they do - all the time.

The problem with trying to talk about it is that until it happens to you, you don't see it. That's not a criticism - I wasn't aware of it myself for a long time.

And that's not to say there isn't an upside to being invisible. In some ways I find it very liberating!

Well being a woman of colour, I have been invisible in many situations, including meetings and bars, etc. since as far back as I can remember.I suppose losing one privilege (youth) would seem devastating. Makes not much difference to me.