Aging: how comfortable are you with it?

[MattBerrysHair]

Hi all,

I've just been googling pics of celebrities who have aged naturally and those who have taken to botox and fillers to stave off the wrinkles and crêpiness.

I'm 36 and have very large areas of grey at the temples and a distinct mallen streak, which I can't cover because of extreme skin sensitivity. I have very dark hair so it stands out and I'm aware I look 'old' for my age, but I'm mostly I'm OK with it. However, every now and then I wistfully look at old photos of myself when I could still dye my hair and sadly think 'I used to be pretty'!

Then I make a point of looking online for pics of women who have aged gracefully, or pics of younger women with premature grey.

I don't like that I feel negative about a natural process that we all experience. I don't like the idea of 'anti aging', as if it's something to be cured. I'd quite like 'youthful' to refer only to an attitude or state of mind rather than one's physical appearance.

So I guess I'm uncomfortable with my own discomfort of my natural aging, more so than the actual discomfort of my own aging.....

And i agree with the qoute that ageing is a privilege but let's be serious, if ur nearly 50 ur not young in society's eyes and if ur in the workplace that can be challenging.

BBCK - I'm know it's not AIBU - I thought we were having a thoughtful conversation here.

I can't speak for @bbck but @clairefromMergersAcquisitions we all know we'd rather be alive than dead! That's a given, I hope. But there's got to be more insight to offer a younger person than be grateful you're not dead surely? As a woman who'll be 50 in 2 years, fifty is not young. Let's be real. It's an identity adjustment. It's a significant birthday. Lots of new ''issues'' to be addressed in the beauty regime/cover up flaws attempt. And this isn't being down on myself. I know I'm valuable as a person, but my exterior is not noticeable or valued. Words of wisdom welcome but I'm already coming from the position of being glad i'm alive. I think I had a 'chat' with myself at about 45 and told myself I would do everything I could to create a life that didn't require validation, attention, appreciation... I am in the process of building that life which will be sustaining.

I’m 40 and have recently become very aware of aging but it’s my body that I’m struggling with most. I’m petite short and I’ve always been Size 8-10 with an ability to lose weight easily. I’m now size 12-14 with a big bum, heavy thighs and a bit of a tummy so I’m struggljng to come to terms with my changing shape but not enough to do much about it.

Skincare wise I’ve invested in some products but I’m not opposed to some gentle injectables. It is shit getting old.

It's an identity adjustment

I agree with this. I think it would be great to sail through the ageing process without a care but, as I said upthread, I definitely struggle with it at times. And yes, I too have had had recent bereavements of friends younger than me and it's heartbreaking, and shifts one's perspective a little.

But that doesn't change the knowledge that society does not value women over 40, women with grey hair, women with wrinkles and spare tyres and saggy tits. It doesn't change the fact that - whilst I've never been a stunner - I am now invisible. It's not a case of needing validation, but acknowledgement and recognition would be nice.

Acceptance of my changing body and face is a process. I'll get there, but it's slow going at times!

But there's got to be more insight to offer a younger person than be grateful you're not dead surely?
It’s the bottom line though. I didn’t fully appreciate it till I went to the funeral of someone my age and I realised that while everyone was sad, no-one was shocked. It kind of changed my attitude.

At the end of the day it's just a shell. We are so much more than this.
If we can concentrate more on developing/valuing that we'd be a lot happier.

Only 36? I wish! I'm 67 and still dye my hair! I'm not too much bothered about ageing, but to see myself in the mirror with a full head of grey hair would be too much of a reminder.

Am mid 30s and feel a bit nervous typing this out because I can't see a non-up-myself way of expressing it but have been thinking about (how I will feel about) ageing a bit recently and, given some of the comments on this thread and elsewhere, I feel compelled to add my views: I do sometimes wonder if I will miss turning heads. I am aware you can be older and still do that because of your presence and charisma and fantastic bone structure. But will I be one of those? And will I care if I am not?

By way of background, I was a geeky, frizzy spotty kid. Once I got to uni and found my sense of style, I blossomed and now I do turn heads/am told I am beautiful a fair amount and that feels really good to the 13-year-old me that still lives inside me somewhere.

There is so much more to any woman than looks (I speak 3 languages, went to Oxbridge, love my career, think I am a nice person with good friends and a lovely DH and an adorable cat) but a little, treacherous part of my brain can't help but think: will I miss the attention?

There is so much more to any woman than looks (I speak 3 languages, went to Oxbridge, love my career, think I am a nice person with good friends and a lovely DH and an adorable cat Good for you and I mean that sincerely. This is surface stuff though isn't it.

I'm 55. I think it's the health aspect that worries me the most. Having neglected myself over recent years whilst caring for others I'm now really unfit. I generally feel tired and lacking in energy.

I also struggle when I hear songs giving a reminder of times when I was younger and realise just how how many years ago this was . And when I consider that my parents health when they were my age was so much better than mine, I look at them now and think is that all I've got to look forward to (or the alternative as pp have said )

Looks-wise I am lucky to have inherited skin which is pretty wrinkle-free. I dye my hair and wouldn't be happy to embrace the grey whilst I'm so blobby and unfit. Oh and my worst thing looks wise is that peridental gum disease has meant that I've lost teeth and having chosen not to have had false teeth where I have gaps in the back of my mouth my existing teeth have moved to fill the gaps and I now have gaps and teeth at odd angles in the front. I've seen it said that the state of a persons teeth can be a major thing in how old they look so this gets me down too.

I'm not feeling too well today so I have got more of a downer on me than usual!

Ha, it's true. A sad indictment of the way I view my life! I also have my health, am happy, do a job I love and which I think makes a positive difference to people's lives and have good personal relationships which I do not take for granted.

Of course you will miss being desired. Not being considered fuckable by random builders, but if you do connect with a man they wont see you that way. They will be looking over your shoulder at younger women. That makes me a bit sad as a single person. We are hardwired to connect and be close and have intimacy and now i feel that i have passed the point where a man (regardless of what he looks like himself) is going to value or desire so it makes the prospect of a romantic relationship seem pointless in some ways. Im conflicted.
Also, women who are married are sometimes (not always) unaware that a portion of their perceived value to society is as one half of a couple. So ageing as a single woman holds greater challenges for growth and personal development I think.

Of course you will miss being desired. Not being considered fuckable by random builders

Ewwww, flipping heck, thank god my self worth does not rest on being considered fuckable by Bob the Builder, or any other random man for that matter 🤮😂😎.

You completely misunderstood!!
But my punctuation could have been better so no worries.

To be clear. Nobody misses harrassment and objectification. But when you are ruled out of romance, affection, closeness, intimacy etc because men in your age range just dont view you as a prospect at all - you can have a very strong sense of self, which I do, and still notice that. It is a phase of life. It matters less if you are in a relationship already but if you are nearly 50 and confronting ageing as well as the bravery required to age alone but not lonely - you'd have got my meaning.

I completely overhauled my skincare regime last year and it has made a huge difference to my “glow” and also attenuates wrinkles. As you age you need to cleanse thoroughly but very gently and you don’t need lots of moisturisers. The secret is skin health - if your skin is healthy it takes care of itself with minimal products.

I have also had a dental MOT to straighten, whiten and repair my teeth, looking to the future and trying to avoid gum disease. This makes a massive difference to one’s appearance - my teeth and gum line look young and fresh.

Although maybe not as my sentence construction was v lazy. On phone here.

Also - get any red veins lasered. This is really easy and requires no maintenance.

I don’t get it though Nobody’s, I am just coming out of a long marriage at 50. I like who I am, I think I am alright looking for 50. Bit squidgy in places but I am happy with that.

I was married to a fitness freak and believe me having a body like a 30 year old is not the be all and end all.

I do interact with a couple of lovely men through my job who have both made their interest known despite my greying hair and ageing self. I am not ready for anything along those lines. Not remotely.

Whatever I do to my appearance is for me, not what anyone else might think.

I don’t consider myself ruled out of anything much because of my age.

Me too btw, on phone drying my hair 😂.

I feel ok about ageing. I’m 48 and have the start of jowls and a broken vein near my nose. No grey hair and no wrinkles though. I look much better with a bit of make- up but that’s always been the case!
A 47 year old colleague just died of cancer. It really puts things in perspective. Everyone ages, some people just spend more time and money staving it off.

I get what you're saying N0b0dysMot and I think you're making some interesting points about ageing as a single woman. I think we all get to the same place eventually but I can see that having a partner probably does give you a cushion.

Yes that is all I mean @floisme, it is a cushion or a buffer.
I don't mean that married women can't 'grow' or that all single women grow as they age. But for me, attempting to live very consciously, there is no buffer to this perceived devaluation as a woman.
I feel very valuable as a person atm and that is a dichotomy I guess

So ageing as a single woman holds greater challenges for growth and personal development I think. Growth and personal development can happen by being single more so in a lot of cases though. I think it's beneficial for a woman to spend time alone. When a woman is partnered up and/or with children, most of her energy is not focused on herself.