I think I'm becoming middle aged 'invisible' woman. Can anything be done?

[ProperLavs]

I turn 50 this month and have noticed, or perhaps I am choosing to notice , that when I am in shops sales assistants appear not to see me anymore. Not that long ago I would be pounced on and hassled, which although incredibly annoying I would rather that than be ignored.
I have heard that woman start to become 'invisible' as they age.
I think I look younger than my years, dress in a trendy but not silly way, certainly don't look frumpy, but something is happening.
Can anything be done?(Apart from wearing oversized sparkly glasses and a clown outfit).
if this has happened to you did you find a way round it?

I was very conscious of this when I lived in London as I worked from home and all day every day saw middle-aged women who had clearly 'given up' going about their business.
Shapeless clothes in unflattering colours
Cheap synthetic fabrics
Cheap handbags
Unstyled hair
Uncared-for skin

Now I live in Geneva and I think women aged 45 - 60 look much better than the younger ones here and are absolutely idolised in shops (probably because they are mostly very wealthy).
Defining features are
Perfect blowdry
Lovely skin & makeup
Neutral or coordinating clothes in nice fabrics
Good bags and shoes
My godmother is one of these women. She does not spend a fortune on herself, not at all. She has a limited wardrobe of very nice things and does her own hair and nails etc. I would say overall she spends the same or less on her appearance than some of the women I saw in London.

I think there is alot of truth in that Lapin.
Unfortunately in the UK, the middle aged woman seems to - on the WHOLE- to have given up. Of course not all have but they are the exceptions.

There is no getting away from it but once you are 50+ you have to make more effort because the glow of youth aint there any more! I see so many women who I'd love to steer to a make up counter and get them to embrace a bit of foundation, subtle eye make up, nice lippie which would transform them. And a decent hair cut and colour.

My mum is 90 and is still very into personal care and looks 10 years younger at least. She still uses make up, subtly- foundation, blusher, light eye make up, lippy, and takes great care of her clothes.

I'm not saying OP that you have let yourself go, but an awful lot of women have.

@LapinR0se - I've never met an older Genevan women who ever had to work. Can't really compare women who've entire life is spent spa hopping and lunching with friends without a care in the world, to one who's raised her own kids/worked for a living/done both.

All the ones I know or met have worked or are still working. So just guess we know different people then!

To be fair, I don't see many young beauties either. I think youth is overrated!

My experience is much like that of Westernmeadowlark and custardcream. I have never noticed if I'm being noticed. My friends would be exasperated with me, my mother laughed, because even quite obvious attention especially male attention went completely over my head. I was never without a boyfriend though and men have told me "you're hard work, lovely but aloof" and "I thought you were out of my league"

As for Selfridges it's awful. I have a lovely glamorous beautiful friend who is very stylish and dripping in labels, even she gets snubbed. She's 33 and she spends money as a hobby.

I, on the other hand wear no flashy obvious labels, often vintage always black and quite alternative, 10 years older and I'm batting these sales people off.

I think with me it's my voice, I sound (I hate to say it) posh, she is not English. She was being ignored. I had Chanel running about opening all the drawers bringing out bags. I dislike their bags and took the mickey, and poked fun at the shoes, but they still insisted that " maybe this one will be more you"

I dislike shopping though, my idea of shopping is to go, in walk straight to the desk and ask for what I'm looking for.

As for invisible with age, I don't know on a personal level but it seems to be a thing. But to lament lack of attention seems shallow. Instead I think we women should celebrate our achievements and draw attention away from just our looks.

mini I agree that we should celebrate ourselves more, HOWEVER, if you haven't experienced being ignored when once you were not, then you really have no idea.
It's easy for you to accuse those of use struggling with this issue as being shallow because it has not relevance to you.

If it makes you feel any better I'm 22 (but look younger) and am ignored by the saleswomen but followed by the security guards 🙄 even when I'm not looking a slob

Although I do sometimes think , with shop assistants, from my own experience on both sides that it's just easier with the young people - they're less likely to complain or ask for a manager, less likely to ask for a discount, easier to talk to as they know the same pop culture as you and they're probably similar in style so you can suggest products - obviously this is from a younger assistant . Just a thought though, I remember being v intimidated sometimes by middle aged ( for lack of a nicer term as I hate that term) women because theyd tut, get impatient, criticise and occasionally yell.

Are we talking about male attention or service now?

I think confidence works in both situations. Confidence and assertiveness tends to work when you want service. Confidence and couldn't give a monkey's bum hole works in regards male approval. Do you need their approval? I don't think so. You seem lovely, I'm sure you are lovely and you have tallents and accomplishments, people who love you and perhaps dreams and aspirations that make you special and unique.

If we want society to value older women we must first value ourselves. I don't have daughters but if I did I wouldn't be telling them to make the most of their youthful good looks. It imparts the wrong message. Besides the last time I made a mental note of a woman, she was much older than me, beautiful, elegant and had that sort of look that said good genes rather than tried hard. And that is luck, no one really need be congratulated on luck!

It's not even a question of looking good and having confidence. It's literally about how others perceive age.
I know exactly what you mean. I have always had a confident high end style. Apart from looking 10 years older I am still the 35 year old I used to be. I didn't get much obvious attention wolf whistles etc but you definitely notice when the low level attention dries up. Hit me mid 40's and I'm just getting used to it now.

I think I can say with confidence that I have not let myself go. It still happens to me.

I've not particularly noticed it in shops but in a number of situations involving men and women in equal measure. I didn't experience this in my 20s, 30s or 40s.

flo and gosh that is what I was trying to get over to mini. unless you have experienced the loss it's very hard to describe how it is, how it manifests itself.

Well if there's one thing more frustrating than being ignored, it's trying to tell people about it and still being ignored.

Fair enough to say you don't get it or haven't noticed it. Fair enough to question or challenge. But to dismiss other people's experiences - not only the op, not only in shops, not only with men - and even to suggest it's their own fault, for being shallow and needy, for being too meek and timid, for being inadequately groomed - well that is very telling indeed.

"I have heard that woman start to become 'invisible' as they age."

Ditching this thinking is the first step

"unless you have experienced the loss it's very hard to describe how it is, how it manifests itself"

I tend to agree. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and only that (I'm older than you, BTW)

If you are feeling a loss of confidence because you are surrounded my ageist stereotypes, I would always recommend starting by challenging them.

There are times when shop assistants have been off hand or have ignore me totally. But this has happened on and off over the years when I've encountered ones who are rather bad at customer service. It wouldn't occur to me that it was because of anything other than poor standards on their part.

It could however be taken as 'evidence' if you have internalised the thinking that you will become invisible. But I think it is a manifestation of confirmation bias.

No, the op IS correct. I used to be an ugly duckling so I get what she's saying..the way I was treated by not just men bout by other females, teachers, bosses, cops, Sales people, or even people letting me go in front of them in line or stopping for me at the cross walk. All very different when I was pretty vs when I wasn't. Planet earth is shallow.

auntie I get that it could well be how I am choosing to view things and very possibly me being ignored had everything to do with the other person and nothing to do with me at times. Some SA are shit, some people are simply preoccupied with their own issues to pay you attention. But as flo, dustbunny and others have described when many little incidents start happening with increasing frequency then you know it's about you.
So it seems the choices we have are to let it happen and not challenge it or make sure that we are noticed and demand attention.

I totally get what you mean OP. I notice the difference when I'm dressed smartly for work with make-up on, I'm still noticed. At the weekend, when I can't be bothered, I'm ignored.

I never appreciated the full horror that is the menopause until it struck.

Sales assistants either:

1. ignore everyone (at £5/hour for a Saturday shift you expect customer service?) or
2. pay attention to those who appear to be wealthy. I'm not convinced this has a lot to do with age as the average 40 something woman has a lot more disposable income than the 19 yr old.

Its the media and marketeers in general that ignore the middle aged. Most things are marketed towards the under 35s. Middle aged women disappear from our tv screens. Youth and beauty are seen as paramount. Everyone tries desperately to act younger, cooler.

You're right that the media/advertisers don't target the older market. I noticed in a glossy the small ads advertising stair lifts or accessible bath replacements showed women models in their 30s. And motorhome adverts often show young couple with the obligatory surfboard and guitar - not their main market

Don't think anything can be done. Sometimes it can feel like being invisible in shops or in the street. You look at people but they never look back, as if you're not even there. I guess it'll become even worse when you get older (over 60).

yes, Guess it will unless I become one of those outlandishly dressed women who just look fabulous.

I think there are a lot of really gorgeous "middle aged" women. Youth doesn't equal beauty, that's for sure. It takes good genes and more effort but I do think something can be done if it's important to you.
Everyone's so afraid of being seen as "vain" but it's certainly not your imagination that the beautiful reap large benefits in this world

I'm well on my way to being old, but I don't feel "not pretty". I know I am no longer cute or gorgeous, but I still feel attractive, if only to older people. I try conscientiously to smile at people and wish them good day, out dog walking or in the supermarket. I try to see the person inside the uniform.

I got a lot of very creepy attention as a younger woman - "exotic" (i.e. not white) plus pretty brought out the creeps in droves. So being less noticeable has been rather a relief.

This thread is making me think of The Laundry Files novel with the main character (super accomplished mid forties woman) actually developing invisibility as a superpower...