I think I'm becoming middle aged 'invisible' woman. Can anything be done?

[ProperLavs]

I turn 50 this month and have noticed, or perhaps I am choosing to notice , that when I am in shops sales assistants appear not to see me anymore. Not that long ago I would be pounced on and hassled, which although incredibly annoying I would rather that than be ignored.
I have heard that woman start to become 'invisible' as they age.
I think I look younger than my years, dress in a trendy but not silly way, certainly don't look frumpy, but something is happening.
Can anything be done?(Apart from wearing oversized sparkly glasses and a clown outfit).
if this has happened to you did you find a way round it?

It probably hasn't happened to you yet Remus. Or maybe it won't - it may not happen to everyone. But when it starts, you just know. I think the first time I noticed it was with young women - they literally started talkng over my head like I wasn't there.

I'm sure we ALL have moments/social occasions when we are "sirens" and some when we're not. In a fitted red dress everyone looks, in jeans and a fleece no one does. Food Shops are for shopping and buying stuff, I don't want eighteen year old Steve on checkouts "noticing" me

I actually find it annoying when salespeople zoom in on me trying to talk to me, I hate that high pressured stuff . It's hardly "authentic" attention either, they're looking to make commission off me!

IRL, I sometimes detect that maybe those who fit a certain "mainstream attractive" demographic (white, slim, long hair) when younger (and have everything socially easy when young due to adoring parents and a fairly "closed"
close group of friends ) maybe struggle a bit more as they age dealing with the outside world when things aren't so set in stone?

I always was a bit "outside the norm" anyway so I had to approach first the guys I wanted, learn to dress well, work out, meet people through shared interests , and not take "positive attention" as given, and be more self reflective?

As I said, Flo, maybe I've always been invisible so never been 'noticed' and therefore don't notice not being noticed. Have never been 'pretty' and realised early on that being a geek or a weirdo was probably going to be far more in my line than trying to appear 'attractive' when I'm not.

This whole thread makes very little sense to me though, to be honest.

Remus I don't particularly want to be 'noticed.' It's difficult to describe.

You know the, 'My MIL is an annoying old bag' posts about women who are behaving perfectly normally?
It's that type of attitude.

Haven't read replies but Well maybe they're just rude twats. I'm ignored too or sneered at w a "may I help you ? Buy smthg or get the fuck out" tone and I figured I just looked like a young scumbag with no money but if even older women hear this then idk. I don't dress in designer brands or heels. I feel like they're just dismissive cause they think they can spot a good customer. (Ha!)

thats when I feel like flashing money and doing the Julia Roberts "BIG mistake, HUGE" line
Maybe so smthg that makes you feel beautiful ..hair, new shoes, whatever. Smthg that gives you that strut.

Be loud?

I had exactly this in PC World today. Ended up buying a £5 mouse instead of a new £500 laptop because no bugger would acknowledge/serve me on the shop floor - standing by the laptops, looking to make eye contact, etc. Twats. I'll spend my money on Amazon instead.

I'm only 35 and this happens to me too.

I think it's just really shit customer service, rather than anything personal. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway...

I don't understand this. I am 50. I have been a lover of make up halls all my life and nothing has changed at all. I have become better at saying I don't want attention. Nobody is going to turn down the chance of a sale, are they?

I get being ignored at the bar. But that has always happened to me and I was a very good looking younger woman. But make up halls, no...

I get more attention in shops than I did when I was younger.

I also encounter actual, real ageism. I re-trained recently and I am sure I was turned down for one course because of my age and have encountered some weird attitudes from people during the training because of my age.

The sidelining of older women, the 'invisibility' of older women politically and culturally - matched by a real 'invisibility' in real life, is a real thing.

Some of it is pleasant - I feel safer now, some of it is bloody annoying - it;s just another way of demonstrating the power of patriarchy, and being on the receiving end of that.

I think we need a real fightback. If patriarchy tells us that older women have no value, we need to value older women ourselves. Start supporting the work, ideas and endeavours of older women.

It's basic feminism, really. Women's contributions to the world became more valued - and more plentiful - because sisters did it for themselves.

I think we need to do it for ourselves, too. We need to be very brave, put ourselves out there, and support each other when we do.

I read Viv Albertine's autobiography. It inspired me. She was kick-ass as a younger women, she;s kick-ass as an older woman.

I think we need to be a bit more angry and a bit more kick ass.

Sorry. My punctuation is terrible at the moment. Don't know why!!

I think I get this. I don't know whether I am invisible but I can feel myself shrinking in terms of confidence and I lack presence.

I have recently recovered from bowel cancer and although the cancer has gone I feel like I have too . I have some awful lingering symptoms from surgery which means that I no longer feel attractive or womanly.

I have ever really been someone you would call pretty but I loved fashion and makeup and took great pride in how I looked. I used to have a presence. I am currently wearing a maternity dress ( I gave birth 18 months ago) with hairy legs, full dry skin and dull hair with grey roots.

I get more attention now I am 52 fat and have a white stick . It unnerves me as I never got attention before unless I smiled or chatted

Tw1nset

That is tough.

I lost myself after childbirth (even without serious illness). I found yoga helped me 'put myself back in my body' again, and also taught me to love my body.

It may not be yoga that does that for you (though I would say give it a try! ) but I hope you find that something.

And congratulations on the new baby!

The shift is subtle though. I have never courted attention. I'm pretty introverted and self deprecating by nature, but I do notice the absence of it, it's being looked over.
Yes we definitely need to value older women as a society.

@thecatfromjapan Thankyou.

I had an illuminating experience with this in the summer.

I cycled to work in a dress that I'd only ever worn with tights. I realised quickly that it rode up quite high when I cycled but didn't have time to return home and, hey, it's only a pair of legs isn't it?

I've cycled to work for over 20 years and I've never been given way to so many times as on this particular journey. One driver stopped in the middle of a roundabout (he had right of way) to let me out. It took a while for me to register that motorists were behaving differently towards me and work out why, but goodness it was noticeable!

I found it quite depressing, tbh, in the same way that I find men looking at me when I'm running a bit grim.

I don't see it as a sexual thing - well it may have been once but the attention from men fizzled out a long time ago. I have to say, I found it harder when young women started looking straight through me too - not ignoring, just genuinely not seeing me. Like people have said, it's difficult to define but you sure as hell recognise it when it happens to you.

Wise counsel from Thecat although I find more consolation from nice clothes than from yoga, but then I am very shallow.

Maybe I am in a nicer neck of the woods than you are, but I just find a smile and a conversation and we are soon happy to discuss Dior's new squeezable lipsticks like we are long lost friends...

slip up: the mascaras, haven't enquired about the lipstick

Just dye your hair bright red or something?! Then you'll be noticed (and you'll soon wish you were invisible again!)

It's more about being acknowledged I think, rather than 'noticed' in a showy off kind of way.

I'm not hating it is as much as I'd anticipated, can't be arsed with most people so it actually suits me rather well.

I've never had attention from people I don't know so I won't notice this happening or miss the attention of my youth. I hate pushy shop assistants and tend to leave as I like to browse by myself. I think pushy ones are always pushy and the ones who hang back with me hang back with everyone else. It was probably just a shop with a more relaxed ethos.

Of course it's a thing. I was shamefully guilty of it myself as a young thing and now it's being repaid as I edge towards fifty.

I had my hair done by a male hairdresser once in a trendy salon, he literally talked over my head to people he deemed as real ie young, while I sat there like a fucking helpless lump.

No tip for you laddie, and no return visit.

I think it's difficult to say based on one experience but I've certainly had many experiences in more "upmarket" places especially with cosmetics where I can't get any of those women to sell me anything for love nor money. I'm 15 years younger than you and it's been happening for years. I think sometimes cosmetic assistants are very aloof and they do judge whether you're worth their time for whatever reason- for me I think it's because I don't look very "done up". I just take my custom where the customer service is better.