Crepey coalition of chaos

[herbaceous]

Roll up hags, for all things Hotter.

Oh and I am casting a black magic spell on your Dh Airbourne.🌚

We MUST do an invite poem!!!

Was relying on you to do it, MI!

Wot rhymes with Herbs?

Burbs, Curbs...............

But gracious rhymes with herbaceous!

And tenacious, and or suburbs.

Just tasted our first home grown sweet corn, so yummy I can't believe it!

Oh, Airborne, I'm so sorry you're having a shit evening. I guess it puts the fire in your belly to have a think about what you want/need to do. There were some times on holiday where I would come back to the flat where we were staying and I could hear the grumpy arguing from outside the door. I really didn't want to go back in! At least I realised that I wasn't the common factor.

Unpacking almost done, washing machine hasn't stopped, children out with friends apart from dd2 who has been out today and is out again tomorrow (mostly in New Look I suspect!)

Sorry your DH is being arrogant and belittling. It shows his own insecurities and lack of social skills despite his fancy education and very important job.

Herbs, I think that if you do want to get married, you need to jump on this chance and get it sorted and hence your finances sorted!

I am a bit worried about the whole student loan/interest thing, for DD, but am not engaging as DH prides himself on managing our finances

We are packed (with the DC having a mad hour where they got way over-excited and silly ) and I am looking forward to getting uo for 5.30. Not.

Its been a good drying day, here, FlipFlops for post holiday washing. I've motored through a lot...

Thanks, Crem.

To all of you - I'm sorry about my wingeing - I know it peaks on a Sunday evening. Thank you for hearing me out. Something will happen... one day. Its untenable.

When we were on hols, we had some friends staying. The husband is also "Captn of Industry". Once they'd gone, DH turned to me and said "Did you hear how he spoke to DW? - He was SO rude". I missed my chance to say "Hey! Thats JUST how you treat ME". I didn't because
a) Theres nowhere to hide up there and
b) It would have soured the holiday even more.

I just kept shtum.

When I think about the few friends who have split up, esp. the ones where the wife went, the husbands REALLY didn't see it coming.

I truly believe DH is in this camp. He's got no idea. He just thinks that if he throws money (just enough - not excessive amounts...) into the marriage, it will just keep trundling on. No input of his time, chores (nice ones and not so nice), emotion, empathy, respect - nothing. He gets respect from his job, and I get... erm... nothing.

I cannot see in a million years how he would have the kindness or patience to see me through to old age; the thought of me being incapacitated before him fills me with dread.

I think its this that spurs me on.

Thanks for listening.

Airborne, I feel sad for you, you do deserve better than this but the path is not clear I sense. Talk to us as much as you like, and look after yourself.

Crem and Hatty, I know, tis a minefield. dd is taking a PG loan so will be repaying at 15% over 21k - govt is basically asking people to gamble IMO - MArtin's example of the average earner is very telling. Scotland and Wales - apps from disadvantaged area have gone down and the opposite has happened in England, presumably because there is more university support for here and now living expenses because of higher fees. A pig's ear.

Airborne, just take your time to sort things. You have so much more of life ahead of you and you don't want/need to spend it with someone who can't be there for you.

Later years of marriage can be hard at times - Dh had a (small) stroke some 10 years ago & that has made things a bit different/tricky at times & I could not have coped without loving him.

What I am trying to say is you possibly need to put a plan in place to exit while you can................

Whinge as much as you want/need to - that is the joy of the internet, you know that you are free to do so as we can (but won't) hit the bottom button (as it were).

Airborne, can you stay in London a couple of nights when you are on your course? A few days respite might help you gather your thoughts.

Magi, that is so well put.

Thanks, magi. You are right... its now time to reasses quite what you want out of life.

Although it started way back, I think a combo of losing DF (and the complete lack of any kind of support), piled on with some very heavy, and hard to forget insults over the Christmas period (from him to me), brought me to a point of no return. I can't see how we can go back to how we were.

I just can't see how I move forward, either. Hoping that my first visit to counsellor this week will help me.

MrsS - As he works in London, he'd be the one suggesting we spent the evening together. TBH, I spend so much of my time alone, I long for company these days.

The hot water is on the blink; it's been like this for a couple of months. Had 2 diff. Heating engineers out. Various bit have been replaced, but lots of head scratching, too.

And now there's no HW this morning. And it's all my fault.

Can't believe we've had a stand up row already this morning. It's doing my head in - in the truest sense of the word.

I just can't see how I move forward,

But you are already moving forward by telling us about this. It's a step on the path.

Oh Airborne - sounds very difficult - unless somehow you can get through to him and let him know how he makes you feel - sounds like only counselling with a third party could do this.

For what it's worth - I've never heard of that silly battle either. Knowing lots of facts does not mean you are necessarily intelligent just that you are well educated. It's what you do with stuff and how you apply it that makes a difference. Besides there are different sorts of intelligence - it sounds that your DH is severely lacking in emotional intel'. Agree - I know a few marriages where the DH has had no clue how the wife felt. Keep venting here though.

Student Loans - I have ground to a halt as I simply don't know what to do - all the evidence seems to point to the fact that it's a bad idea to pay early yet getting it out of the way is tempting. I may need to help with Masters for DD2 though which hasn't been the case for DD1.

Airborne - there's a difference between knowledge and intelligence. I admit, I did once bin a boyfriend for his utter lack of knowledge about ANYTHING, but that was more because of his utter lack of interest or observation. He'd never heard of Scott of the Antarctic, didn't know where oats came from and said 'Spain?' when I pointed to Italy on a map.

Having more marital issues this end. In contrast to the semi-proposal on Wednesday, he spent yesterday pretty much ignoring me. We went out for lunch in Reading with his sis, and he walked ahead of me the whole way, didn't speak unless I spoke to him, etc. This continued once we were at home. Asked what was the matter, and apparently he doesn't like the way I sometimes criticise him (I don't - think I said in passing that we could all do more exercise) but don't praise him for all the things he DOES do. I pointed out that in 13 years he has NEVER ONCE said anything nice to me, praised me or congratulated me, but I don't react by having childish sulks.

In response, he sulked. Drives me HOG WILD.

Herbs sounds like you have to pat him and say "good boy" - bit like dog training. We women are, of course, beyond all that

I just cant bear sulking. Creates a horrible atmosphere, and I feel bad for DS (who must wonder why Daddy has gone so quiet and is it something he's done, etc), so probably overcompensate with jolliness.

DP is mega-insecure and a total Eeyore, so I don't think it's necessarily abusive manipulative behaviour, just doesn't know how to cope with negative feelings. Still utterly enraging however, especially in a middle-aged man.

Oh Airborne oh Herbs
Oh Hatty - sorry if i put cat amongst pigeons.

I am so appallingly sad. No idea where my happy has gone. Have made an appointment with gp. So tired and over sensitive, and ache all over.

And can i add Oh Crem to the list. Here's hoping you manage to find some reason for joy very soon, however small it might seem to start with.

I am suffering slightly from a Sense of Impending Doom but I'm pretty sure it relates entirely to my procrastination over completing my annual appraisal form. I shall have to get it done but the prospect is not enticing.

Crem - don't worry - like I said - I'd already seen this article - and had already ground to a halt. Very difficult. So sorry you're tired - would a good nights sleep help or is it more than that? I seem to have got into a cycle where I awaken at about 3 am and cannot get back to sleep. I slept best after my Alpine hikes - I obviously nearly have to kill myself to get a decent night.

Mrs Wobble - appraisal forms .... such a waste of time where I work - we have to fill them out and it changes precisely nothing.

I'm so sorry we're all hurting at the moment.

magi - yes, quite right. I am moving forward. Probably with a huge 'WHOOSH' at the counsellors tomorrow. The poor woman's not going to know whats hit her.

We've been round the houses on student loans. 'D'H cannot work out why we can't pay it off early - or on a termly basis. All the advice seems to suggest you just go with the (borrowing) flow...

Crem - so sorry to hear life is poo atm.

DS still has his student loan (he's mid 30s) & has only just had to start paying off a bit of it in the last year or so. He must be 12+ years out of uni.

I even think his payments have dropped now he has a child & possibly even further when No 2 arrives in January. (Can now talk about that which is a relief as was sure I was going to put my foot in it & blurt it out!).

Am I wrong in thinking that after 20 or 25 years it all goes poof anyhow?? (the loan, that is).

Yes, Magi, that's right tho your ds probably has the previous incarnation (think 30 years now). That's why they say only high earners will "pay it back" - it is more like a graduate tax and govt will have to find another way to fund HE. Official congratulations then .

Crem, have you felt like this before? You are carrying a lot of worries.....

Congrat's MM.