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Original poster

Finding it impossible to find like minded mums

63 replies

Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 07:10

I have two small children, and try as I might, I can't seem to find any mums near me with similar interests at all. Everyone seems to be happily getting along nicely with each other, but I never seem to fit in. I look different to the other mums as I have tattoos, piercings and brightly coloured hair...I feel like this contributes a lot to the unwelcoming feel I get from a lot if the other mums. Just wondering if anyone has had this type of problem and what they have done or would do to make some friends. It's pretty lonely being a mum with no mum friends to talk to x

OP posts:
AnotheBloodyChinHair · 18/03/2017 07:55

Audienceofone I am sorry you're feeling this way. I don't think you mean to post in 'Style and Beauty' though, you might get more replies elsewhere, 'Chat' maybe?

I have felt exactly the same way. Physically I look just like all the other mums around here but inside I feel a different species. All I would say is that over time, I think I convinced myself that I was being rejected and probably projected a certain vibe that pushed people away.

I would just join activities and get involved in the community as much as possible. Volunteer at your kids' school, do a charity walk/run, just keep showing your face and try not to be overly concerned over what a few mums may or may not be thinking.

I for one wouldn't give a monkeys what colour hair you have or your piercing and tattoos.

It will get better if you persevere but you have to work at it for your own well being and not to please others. Flowers

Original poster
Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 08:03

Thanks for the advice, yep definitely didn't mean to put up in style and beauty! I'm extremely open and chatty though so I don't think that has much to do with it...I'm just not the type of person the other mummies like to chat to. I get a couple of pleasant hello's in the morning at school, but I want to be able to make actual friends. I've been to various groups (at one, the other mums physically turned their backs on me while I was attempting to make small talk with them. I think your right, I'll just have to keep trying

OP posts:
DrewOB0 · 18/03/2017 08:07

Hey Audience,
Waves
I am into metal, steampunk and mummy groups fill me with terror. I'm not used to being around females due to my line of work and hobbies.

Original poster
Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 08:07
Smile
OP posts:
barefoofdoctor · 18/03/2017 08:08

Are you on Facebook? Join PunkyMoms UK. I find people see past the superficial if you just smile, chat and join in. My best (parent and otherwise) friends look nothing like me but we have similar values/sense of humour/backgrounds. Don't let your anxiety and perception colour your judgement. It's only skin!

Original poster
Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 08:09

DrewOBO maybe all the mummies like us are in hiding Hmm

OP posts:
DrewOB0 · 18/03/2017 08:10

I'm guessing you may have 1-2 in a town only, and we never meet ;)

Original poster
Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 08:14

Barefoofdoctor I've never heard of that group before, I'll definitely look that up. The reason I'm so perplexed by it all is that I've never ever had trouble making friends before and have zero anxiety about meeting new people etc. I'm extremely outgoing, but it's just getting a bit silly now...my eldest is four and I'm yet to find anyone in those four years that wants to spend any time with me. I've never been one for staying within a specific crowd etc and have always had vary varied friends...although none have any children. It wasn't until I started trying to make mummy friends that I came across this kind of response towards me Hmm it's like there's some sort of mummy clique that I wasn't aware of when I joined the mum world

OP posts:
Cantseethewoods · 18/03/2017 08:14

I would probably worry you would think I was uncool ( im a skinnies, ballet flats, vest and scarf type- can't get a tattoo coz I'm too fickle) so I wouldn't approach you but I would be friendly if you made the first move.

DrewOB0 · 18/03/2017 08:15

Oh I'll join that Fb group. Maybe see you there!

MrsEricBana · 18/03/2017 08:20

I think cantsee has it there. I think I might think you'd think I wasn't cool enough for you. Not if you were friendly to me though. You sound great, keep trying!

DrewOB0 · 18/03/2017 08:21

I have felt to cliques all my life to be fair, but kids make you feel more isolated, especially if you're not at work anymore.

SallyGinnamon · 18/03/2017 08:25

When I was at the age of being at the school gate I would have assumed I had nothing in common with you. And I'd possibly have been right! I hate tattoos with a passion though.

Wouldn't stop me saying hello but unlikely to take it further, probably my loss. Smile

prettywhiteguitar · 18/03/2017 08:29

It's difficult as usually when they start school or preschool you meet other mums who need company because they're at home with a baby or off work. When I had ds and dd was a baby I made a great group of mum friends who I still see.

However I moved to town and am trying to make mum friends here and it's difficult! I am at home having had another, I have friends in all of my children's classes but they're not proper friends, I look as straight as you like and yet I have noticed I have been left out of meet up etc. I think you just gave to keep on trying and I've accepted that those mums just haven't clicked with me for whatever reason.

barefoofdoctor · 18/03/2017 08:37

Punky Moms organise regional and local meet ups and are 100% friendly/supportive/pro-female (no bitchyness allowed) so it's lovely. Hope to see you both there!

Original poster
Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 08:39

Cantseethewoods And mrsericbana I've never even imagined that might be a possibility. I try to talk to everyone though lol so I'd definitely say hi to you...maybe the mums in my area just happen to be a bit rude Confused

Bordersarethebest I think that may be the general feel from the mums I've met...I've tried hiding my tattoos but I think that's being a bit of a traitor to myself and I wouldn't want to be friends with people purely based on whether or not I'm an acceptable stereotype in their eyes. My best friend however absolutely hates tattooed too and the only reason we were thrown together was due to work. I understand completely why people would feel a certain way about the way I look....but I'm really nice honest and not judgemental at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 08:40

DrewOBO just joined punkymoms...very amusing form you need to fill in to join. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 08:41

Barefoofdoctor it sounds like an awesome group! Thanks so much for recommending!

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 18/03/2017 08:44

Are you all of a similar age? I do think that some of the older mums leave the younger ones out because they assume they'll have nothing in common.

Personally I talk to everyone who looks like they want to socialise and seeing that I used to be a crusty myself tats and brightly coloured hair wouldn't bother me at all.

Original poster
Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 08:51

Sleep free zone I think I'm around the same age...I'm 29?
I wish the mums around here were more like you ladies

OP posts:
MsJuniper · 18/03/2017 09:04

When I was at university there was a girl on my course with pink hair and I assumed she wouldn't want to be friends with me as I am very conventional and vanilla looking (although I am quite quirky and dry in personality/humour). We ended up best friends.

Despite this I do still have an assumption that people with a defined "look" are probably very sure of themselves in terms of personality and have loads of friends and would find me very boring! Even though this has been proven wrong. Most people have some level of insecurity and fear of rejection. I don't have any answers I'm afraid but maybe through some play date invitations you might find some like minds.

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 18/03/2017 09:12

I've always thought of myself as a bit of a social butterfly until I had a baby. I found going to baby groups awful at first, people clearly didn't want to talk to me, let alone be my friend.

I'm 25 and I think a lot of older Mums just thought that they'd have nothing in common with me. I don't understand people like that at all tbh, I don't have anything in common with loads of my friends but we enjoy each overs company and like learning about different stuff.

I was pretty much ostracised from one group full of hippyish Mums when I stopped bf. I noticed that anything expensive like sing and sign or baby sensory nobody was really unfriendly.

Going to free stuff at the children's centres was a turning point for me, everyone there was really friendly. I've got a few really lovely Mum friends now. I find some playgroups are shit for meeting people, everyone just sits and plays with their kids. Find the playgroups where you just release your kids into the chaos and sit around talking to the other parents.

One of the the first Mum friends I made has lots of tattoos, she's in her late 40s and doing a very sciencey pHd, she's fab. I wouldn't not talk to someone with tattoos, maybe I'd think twice if they had swastikas on there face!

theothercatpurred · 18/03/2017 09:18

I've found groups are not an easy place to make friends. I made mum friends through mumsnet and netmums meet ups.

It was like dating but with more coffee and cake and no expectations of romance ;)

I'd recommend trying both mumsnet and netmums. Mumsnet meetups are done through the local boards, and if you're lucky there may be a thriving group near you - the one in my town were park meetups that hardly ever happened but I used to go for nights out in the neighbouring town with mumsnetters. Very boozy and lots of fun!
I also met some MN mums individually in my own town.

Netmums is even more like dating in that there is a board of meet-a-mum ads you can reply to ads or post your own. You arrange to meet people you think you might get on with, somewhere public and continue the friendship if you get on.

I went on about 8 "mum dates" and ended up with two good friends, still here years later - and our kids are friends too - one from MN, one from NM.

Original poster
Audienceofone · 18/03/2017 09:20

Msjuniper any ideas on how I can suggest play dates with people that I've only really exchanged pleasantries with...without it being weird and coming across as a strange? Most of the mums I've met, just awkwardly smile at me because in there trying to make eye contact and strike up a converstion Blush

OP posts:
MewlingQuim · 18/03/2017 09:21

Funny the 'older mums' get seen as not wanting to be friends with the others. I find the opposite, the young mums won't talk to me, discourage their DC from being friends with DD, and if I try to chat to them they just look at me like I'm barking Confused

I don't even have purple hair or facial piercings anymore

Maybe the old mums stick together because the young ones don't want to know us.

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