Finding it impossible to find like minded mums

[Audienceofone]

I have two small children, and try as I might, I can't seem to find any mums near me with similar interests at all. Everyone seems to be happily getting along nicely with each other, but I never seem to fit in. I look different to the other mums as I have tattoos, piercings and brightly coloured hair...I feel like this contributes a lot to the unwelcoming feel I get from a lot if the other mums. Just wondering if anyone has had this type of problem and what they have done or would do to make some friends. It's pretty lonely being a mum with no mum friends to talk to x

I hear you OP it's tough.
I had no Mum friends to speak of for the first 3 years. Just started getting a bit of a network now. Ds is 4 and DD 2!
I persevered doggedly with one toddler group where I had absolutely nothing in common with any of the Mums. They were nice enough but all a bit younger than me and had all grown up together in the same tight knit community. Naturally enough they didn't feel the need to include me in their social circle and I struggled to join in with their conversations in any case.
Then I switched to another toddler group with older more mc Mums and that was also a bit tough as they also had their cliques already.
In the end what worked was to volunteer at the 2nd toddler group. It didn't exactly get me in with the existing cliques but in enhanced my social capital in the eyes of new comers who saw me setting things up and brewing the coffee and (wrongly!) assumed I must be in the centre of everything.
But yeah: it's tough.
For a long time I just had my normal friends from previous child days and that had to be enough!

It's a bit of a clique at my children's school. I am an older mum but people are shocked when they know I have older ds. The difference with me is that I don't care about friends at the school gate. I talk to everyone. Even if they ignore me I still talk to them!!! If I don't feel like talking, I won't! I think you need to join groups etc and let people get to know you. I have got to know more from parties and scholarship activities and it has got easier. What about doing this and then inviting over a parent and child for a play date?

Parties and school activities!

DD is still at the baby group stage not even toddling but I could have written your post! Red hair, tattoos, piercings, and the other moms round here tend to look at me like I just hatched an egg when I say hello or try to be friendly. One group went as far as to all turn their backs when I approached fabulous example!
I've taken to going to crafting groups and things like that, it's amazing how many mums/grandparents feel like us so don't attend "mum" groups and you can find them elsewhere. Plus I've found the craft groups etc are far more inclusive because just by being there they know you have something in common with them.
I am going to join that fb group though, sounds good!

Ahh lovemylittlesuperhero that exact thing happened to me...group of mums literally turned their backs while I was mid sentence
What do you mean by craft groups? I'll have a look for some in my area

I can't believe people are that rude OP.

If I'm honest I find tattoos, piercings and fake bright hair a bit scary. That would put me off initially.

However my lovely dog walker has tattoos and a nicer person you could not meet. And I'd never have found this out if I hadn't talked to her first. Just needed to get over the first hurdle that's all. Maybe that's what they need?

Bordersarethebest I know, it's pretty shocking how rude people can be, especially to someone they don't know.

I think that must be the way a lot of people think, could I just ask what is about tattoos etc that you find scary? Not somethibg ive ever asked anyone before lol

I always thought alternative clothing, bright hair, piercings etc cover up people who are very uneasy in social situations as a defence mechanism. Although it backfires in this case.

Have you tried taking out some of your piercings/toning down the multicoloured hair/clothes a bit for groups? It sounds quite a 'tough' look, maybe they're intimidated by you?

I'm squeamish about face piercings and find it hard to look at someone with studs in their chin/lips/eyebrows/nostrils. To me it looks distractingly painful, particularly lip piercings or those rings that protrude from each nostril.

Try dressing down for groups and see if you have a better response. Jeans, a colourful top?

I love unusual, striking clothes and shoes, and colourful hair extensions, but wouldn't wear them to toddler groups. Why set yourself apart when you want people to warm to you? In theory clothes shouldn't matter, in reality they affect how people perceive us.

could I just ask what is about tattoos etc that you find scary?

Depends on the design, but I associate face/neck tattoos with prison culture and gangs.

Don't write everyone off before you try to be friendly with them. I made good friends through a baby group with two women. We all spoke a little each time. I am much too shy to suggest doing something together but luckily one of them is naturally more confident and asked us to go to baby cinema together and a friendship grew from there. Keep chatting to people and if someone seems nice, suggest doing a baby thing together park or soft play or whatever. Sometimes people who are different from you make the best unexpected friends.

And some of used to have facial piercings and bright hair but now work in a more conservative job!

Sabzii the thing is that I don't really want to change how I look in order to make some superficial friendships, just as I would never dream of asking anyone to dye their hair pink and tattoo themselves so that they would fit in to how I like to look. I understand that it's not a regular look for toddler groups, but it's not exactly like I'm turning up in newrocks and a mowhalk...my tattoos are not at all offensive (mostly birds and flowers). Jeans and a top is my usual attire.
Wow really wasn't expecting the gang response I hope other people don't feel that way, I'd hate if people thought I was like that.

Thethougtfox I'm not writing anyone off at all, it's pretty much the opposite. My issue is not that I'm judging other people, it's that I feel judged myself. I am very friendly to everyone and have made many efforts to make friends. Most of my friends look nothing like me, and that's great I love to be friends with different types of people...the mums that I've met so far have just not been very warm and haven't really been open to holding a conversation with me. I think the general consensus seems to be to just keep trying to integrate myself and maybe go to more groups. Thanks for the advice

the thing is that I don't really want to change how I look in order to make some superficial friendships

Why would they be superficial? First impressions count when meeting new people, how will you form deeper friendships if people are put off before they get to know you?

I don't think it's about changing your whole look, just toning it down so you fit in a bit more and people aren't intimidated, or feel you're hiding behind a very stand-out look. I'd think the same about someone who turned up to toddler group in stilletoes and very heavy make-up... seems inappropriate for the occasion.

Nothing wrong with looking individual and having a unique sense of style.

Just out of interest, do you dress like that for work?

Multiple piercings and face/neck tattoos unfortunately have negative associations for many people. I think it's about deciding what's more important- your 'look' or dressing in a way that makes you seem approachable and friendly.

What's wrong with wearing jeans and a colourful jumper now and then?

Sabzii I'm not sure how you think I'm dressing I do just wear jeans and a jumper and yes I dress the same for work...im a hairdresser and wear uniform but my tattoos are on show.

I'm not sure I could tone kynlook down any more unless I dyed my hair, took out my remaining piercings (I took most out when I got pregnant as I wanted to fit in more) and wore clothes that cover all tattoos

Sorry, missed the jeans and jumper part!

Where are your tattoos? If extensive could wear long sleeves/scarf knotted around neck when getting to know new people? Once people know you they won't care, but can be off-putting at first. When you say piercings, how many and where? Can you not keep a couple in and remove the others for toddler groups? Even if people aren't squeamish, it can be distracting when people have lots of metal on lips/eyebrows/other unusual places.

Up to you of course, but you asked for advice re how to make friends with other mums at groups. My hunch is people are intimidated or uneasy. Multiple tattoos/piercings is quite a 'hard' look. I associate it with aggression, not sure why, maybe how it's portrayed in media?

Unfortunately, someone who dresses very differently to the 'herd' is often viewed with suspicion. If you want to fit in I'd tone it down

Why would anyone want to cover up their tattoos to make friends

Unless your tattoo says 'FUCK OFF CUNT' I'm sure no one is really bothered about them. Loads of people have tattoos now, they are barely alternative.

Talk to the other mums. Invite their DC round for playdates. You will make friends, maybe not life long soul mate types but those are pretty hard to find IME.

Personally, I make do with anyone who I can have a bit of a chat with and doesn't piss me off too much

There's knitting groups and our local art shop holds three different craft groups for anyone interested in any craft at all. Do you have any hobbies? Google to see if there are any groups in your area doing that? We have a lovely LARP group who encourage kids locally, along with some jewellery making groups. If you enjoy nature walks its coming up for the time of year for those groups to be starting again.

As for changing your hair/covering piercings and tattoos, I'm with you, if people aren't willing to try to see past the way i look then I'm quite frankly not willing to join in the school yard mentality. I thought when we left high school we were expected to behave like adults? Some of my closest friends dress "normally" and after one came to a mums group with me she actually commented that they don't know why people are so openly rude to me!
If you are concerned your tattoos are offensive then by all means cover up but mine are classic designs down my back and my children's names down my arms so anyone who finds flowers, butterflies dragonflies and hearts offensive needs to get a life IMO.

Also yes I wear the same to groups as I wear to work and out with my friends, noone but the mums at these groups and the odd random ever seem to feel its acceptable behaviour.

I wouldn't ever expect the highly polished, heavily done up flower power mums to change how they dress for me! It suits them, they are comfortable, my clothes suit me and I'm confortable. Live and let live!

I am literally tattooed head to toe and positively ancient so not an age thing. Am unconventional yet very well educated/spoken and horsey. Never fails to confuse some people that my child is well provided for and yet I am a tattooed single parent but my knuckles Don't drag on the floor. Bollocks to it all! Be proud of who you are. I agree being a Mother can be very isolating but there are heaps of painted ladies out there and the only difference between adorned/unadorned people is that we don't judge those without tattoos ;) Failing that, invest in a 'my tattoos don't like you either' t shirt ;) ;)

P.S. I am also a very conservative dresser and many of my tattoos are Hello Kitty/My Little Pony themed. Please don't squash yourselves down into stereotypes just to fit in. Those friendships will never go anywhere. If people can't see past skin colour/ink/visuals then I imagine they will make exceedingly dull friends. Tattoos, piercings and unnatural hair colours are par for the course these days as anyone who does' t live under a rock will be fully aware!

Definitely don't cover your tatts or tone down. at the gang comment.

Is there a different side of town you can try for groups? I found the posh side of the area where I live the Mums seemed a bit snobby and sneery. The rougher side everyone was very friendly but seemed to have really strong family and friend links already so weren't interested in meeting up or anything. The between area was the place to go.

sabzii are you in the uk?

I've ended up living in a 'naice' very MC area where I often feel a bit on the outside. It's all boden, ballet flats and bretons here. If you're really edgy converse/ash and skinnies..... I'm quite a strident feminist, swear too much, have a 'colourful' history and am far too forthright don't give enough of a shit about the DC being in the right after school clubs

My appearance is fairly straight actually, but I haven't got much in the way of social interactions with mums (one or two good friends). I've kind of accepted it tbh. I've now moved away from the age you are at and finding like minded people from other areas of my life...I like the suggestion of less trad mum groups, crafting, forest school type things, yoga mums? Dunno what's in your area?