Finding it impossible to find like minded mums

[Audienceofone]

I have two small children, and try as I might, I can't seem to find any mums near me with similar interests at all. Everyone seems to be happily getting along nicely with each other, but I never seem to fit in. I look different to the other mums as I have tattoos, piercings and brightly coloured hair...I feel like this contributes a lot to the unwelcoming feel I get from a lot if the other mums. Just wondering if anyone has had this type of problem and what they have done or would do to make some friends. It's pretty lonely being a mum with no mum friends to talk to x

Sorry OP. Got side tracked.

Nowadays tattoos etc are very mainstream. Even Samantha Cameron has one!

In my formative years however they were mainly worn by 'men prone to violence' like punks and skin heads, and prostitutes. It was a statement of how 'hard' you were. And I'm a complete drip!

Watching with interest OP. Thanks for raising this. For different reasons, but I am in the same boat (I'm an older mum to an adopted baby). My closest friends have been and done the baby thing and the younger mums I've met are at a different life stage to me. My first experience of a mums' clique club knocked my confidence big time (never felt so middle aged and uncool) but it's hard to meet like-minded people in other ways.

I think there's more of us than we probably realise!

Hettie Great idea re looking for alternative routes to meeting like minded people.

Barefootdoctor Wise words.

Don't give up Audience and certainly don't change your appearance to make friends!

How old are your children? If they are under 5 your may find things start getting a bit easier once they are older. I found it difficult to make new friends through/via the DC until they were a bit older - until then I was largely just surviving . And found it impossible to concentrate on anything with demanding DCs interrupting/being tired/cranky/snacks being distributed/loos to be found etc etc.

Your post has made me reflect though - I have probably been guilty of veering away from anyone slightly off-beat in their appearance. Mostly because I fear they would find me very dull and boring in comparison (very vanilla in all style stakes). I would look at you and envy you individuality/bravery and feel I could not offer you anything by way of friendship. I do always try and be friendly and smiley with everyone though.

So you may have a bit more of a battle than Breton-top-mum. Some arses mums may be judgemental and dismiss you as friend potential (so not worth knowing, no loss) and some may be scared/intimidated/feel too boring - these are the ones you have to keep smiling and being friendly too.

I am going to give my head a wobble from now on - and keep smiling and being friendly and not so much of a down-on-myself person. Just as I would not want to judge someone for what they wear - similarly I should not judge myself on the same criteria!

Hope you find some like-minded people soon.

Oh, and as PP said - maybe think about your hobbies as a way to friendship. Appearances aside, all you really have in common with these other women is that you shagged/gave birth at a similar time. It is a fairly tenuous link. Matching hobbies has more strength behind it iyswim.

Great post triangle . Totally agree.

I was once shocked when someone told me that they'd thought I'd looked too posh and unapproachable to speak to when they first met me (way I dressed, had a brand new car at the time.) I'm actually a working single mum.

We all need to learn not to judge.

We moved about 4-5 years ago. I finally admitted to DH about a year ago that I was lonely for local friends. Had plently at a distance but no one close to socialise with, or to begin building that support-bond with.

So Operation-Friendship has started. Trying to open myself up to new friendship opportunities. Saying yes to coffee/a drink if asked. Started playing netball again. Joined a book club.

It is slowly working.

Keep at it Audience. Smiling and friendly.

You sound lovely btw. Where abouts are you based?

Silver, yes I'm in the UK.

Tattoos are mainstream now, but there's a big difference between a small wrist tattoo and heavily tattooed arms/shoulders or tattoos on the face/neck. Heavy tattoos combined with lots of piercings and pink hair scream 'look at me, I've chosen to be different'. Which is fine, but may hinder you making friends at toddler group.

I don't understand the desire for multiple piercings and lots of tattoos. Why would you go through all that pain, expense and risk of infections, just for your appearance? I guess it's a bit like having lots of cosmetic surgery and procedures? Each to their own, but the kind of people I'm drawn to are more natural and less focused on image.

Like I said. Some people are judgemental and not worth worrying about.

Absolutely stunned at the posts saying people turned their backs! Totally their loss, saved you time and effort in making trying to make friends with idiots!

I made a couple of friends in an antenatal group but to be honest I found having a little one brought me closer to people I already knew with kids - so not through dedicated Mummy groups (filled me with dread, I'm not as confident as you seem) but with other mums at work/a group I already go to. So I'm seconding pp's idea of going to a hobby/class where you might meet other mums.

I don't understand the desire for multiple piercings and lots of tattoos. Why would you go through all that pain, expense and risk of infections, just for your appearance? I guess it's a bit like having lots of cosmetic surgery and procedures? Each to their own, but the kind of people I'm drawn to are more natural and less focused on image.

Sorry but I think that's really narrow minded.

Something like punk - or any subculture - is about much more than image. It's about a real love of the music, a shared outlook on life and sense of values, shared experiences. What is isn't is simply a vacuous fashion statement.

In more general terms, people get tattoos and piercings because they like them - how about that?!

My tattoos started as a means to cover self harm scars from my teenage years kind of an 'if you're going to stare/ask uninvited questions/judge then I'll give you something to stare at!'. They developed into an armour to protect me (extreme social anxiety) and helped me to accept and value my body (bulimia/body dismorphia). Now It sounds as though they keep judgemental fools away from me so go my tattoos! A good friend said that I 'sound like royalty but look like ...' and didn't t finish the sentence (It was along the lines of white trash ;) ). I think this analogy sums it up and found this hilarious. It's only skin FFS! I genuinely struggle to notice appearance/age etc of others so am perhaps a bit ignorant?! I am stupid amounts of smiley though and find people are fascinated rather than repelled (at least to my face!) and thus i socialise easily. Be comfy with who you are and approachable and you'll probably meet some awesome people - oh yes and quality of friends is way superior to quantity. Xxx (unmumsnetty kisses -such a rebel haha).