Crepeys on the Verge of an Examination Meltdown

[whattodoforthebest2]

Not sure if I should be starting the new thread as I'm the last poster on the old one - is this how it works?

Ahhh, Crem, that is so hard. However, if you do manage to bring her back and convince her to behave differently, will she not just change her mind as soon as she goes back?

I fear that Stropps.
But she'll need me as guarantor on the lease. I wasn't planning on paying rent for the boyfriend too. He is currently living at home, so he's on to a good thing isn't he?

In that case, you have most excellent leverage. If she isn't independent, then you have a case for putting your foot down and he has the right of every freeloader - i.e to get stuffed.

Stropps speaks sense.

Could you say that you would need to meet and talk to his parents before you would even consider acting as a joint guarantor - what kind of a position are they in and what do they think of all this?

Cremo no advice but loads of strength and keep talking. Crepeys are wise. I have no experience of this either as DD or as a parent, but we are here with support, advice, gin whatever.

Sometimes letting go but being the safety net is all you can do. (Shoot me if in talking crap)

Know what Stropps - I loves you- you are fab! (And when ds is causing me crap can I call you in?)

OMG, Crem, I can't believe she put BF on the phone to shout at you.

Great advice from Stropps - I would be very reluctant to guarantee a lease in these circumstances. She really needs to be at home away from BF's clutches. It is all so frustrating when they think they know it all and you can just see it all going pear shaped.

Good lord, Crem, what a hideous situation. He sounds like a tosser and desperately immature. Cannot believe he thought that shouting at you was ok, let alone would reach a solution. I can see how worrying it must be for you all. Huge sympathy, much gin and love

Lovely Rose, I hope your evening is going as well as possible in the circumstances. .

MI, hope your evening has gone with a bang.

Thanks everyone. We are both thinking along the same lines as you guys. We need to get her home, and some how get her back to reality. I think she's been so wrapped up in her little love drama that all sense of proportion has gone out the window.

Crem, so sorry, what a worry. I would feel like you I think - would want to get her home and away from him whatever it takes, to be able to talk to her properly and give her a chance to rest and relax - could she be feeling isolated if she has fallen out with friends and could that be about bf too?. Stropps is right and BTM- and you'd probably be liable for any damage he and his lovely friends cause, so that makes you lever longer. A hug to you.

And to you, Rose. I hope this evening went well.

I have just seen my mother, who marked a tricky anniversary by having a second piercing in both ears. And not telling anyone, so she can note how long we all take to notice. I had to admire her style .

Crem - if he's living at home and unemployed, how on earth is he going to pay half the rent on their proposed flat? Surely that's good enough reason to persuade them to sit down with you and discuss it, since they won't be going anywhere without your support? And then perhaps a chat with his parents to see what they think and what support they're offering? If he's doing nothing, I'll bet his parents won't be prepared to contribute at all. Maybe suggesting they save up together for a deposit might get them thinking about their efforts and might make your DD realise that she's onto a wrong 'un??

Trouble is - I wonder whether trying to push her to come home will make staying all the more attractive? Ugh, a horrible situation. I need gin just thinking about it - and I don't even drink gin.

Crem, from everything you've said about your DD, I don't think she'll respond well to being treated as younger than her age. Did you say she's 20? Maybe not but if she's 18 or over, I'd treat her as an adult & support her choices, even if they're (from your perspective) utterly wrong. That will maximise the chances that she'll turn to you (and still be speaking to you) if it all goes wrong.

I know your history with her is especially difficult. I find it hard enough that DD no longer wants my help with things & is keen to make decisions without me - and DD has had very little upset, or even unwelcome change, in her life.

In your position I imagine I'd want to be more than averagely protective but I'm not sure that would be good for my DD (might be, for someone else's) and I'd still need her co-operation & agreement to put it into effect, otherwise life would be one long battle.

It's no longer up to you to make everything all right for her. If only, but it's not. Hope you manage to find a way through and I think QQ's 'kiling with kindness' is a good start.

MI, glad you spent some time on your birthday with someone who knows how to celebrate. You remind me I need to start hinting now, to avoid another fiasco like last year.

Rose, well done for feeding and supporting the bereaved and I'm sorry for your loss.

BD, is your boy 12? (Sorry, having trouble with ages tonight). At that age DD lost everything all the time - coats (many) travelcards (several) school bag ( more than once). We didn't make her pay, we got her to help with retracing steps, phoning Lost Property etc. She really was trying to look after her stuff and just made mistakes through distraction etc. She has hugely improved and is probably better than me now, certainly a lot better than DH

Sitting in the car park about to do the Park Run. I can't believe I was talked into this....wish me luck, crepeys and ladyjoggers!

Good luck CV.

Crem this is not easy and the Crepeys have given wise and sensible advice. I would also be going nuts but I guess a calm and collected front is what your DD needs. I wonder whether going with it for the time being might be best, waiting for it to run its course but you'd need nerves of steel. If you choose that route, however I would still make clear that abusive phone calls, shouting etc particularly on behalf of the bf are entirely unacceptable and you won't engage in anything other than an adult conversation, preferably with her and you alone. You would also be entirely reasonable to insist on certain conditions being met if you are funding/guaranteeing anything. And pointing out that with rights come responsibilities. Bless you… and do hope it works out.

If it's any consolation, not as part of a relationship but when DS1 was at Uni he made a bad choice of flat mate in his second year. Said flat mate was a waster and a gambler and flunked out of his course half way through the year and went back to London leaving DS with the rent to pay.We managed to get touch with the parents and (DH is SO good at this..) they paid their son's share of the rent until the end of the year…they made a bit of a fuss but DH as having none of it.

Lat night went fine in the end. DBIL was somewhat drunk and continued to drink copious amounts of single malt during the evening and DSis seemed wired and hyper. DH and DS2 will go to the funeral on Sunday to represent us and then we'll all meet up at the function, taking 2 cars. Best I could do.
I'm off to a religious service this morning, dropping DD at friends on the way ostensibly to do her art home work. DS2 and DH are on a train to Exeter uni. And my red bras have arrived…

Goodness, CV, I'm impressed. I was thinking of doing one, but I need to be better at it. Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine and I'll be afterwards, when you're all virtuous and healthy.

Good luck CV !! Think of the lovely brunch you could talk your DH into taking you for, afterwards….

At the Start (sob).

I'm with you in spirit CV, go you

Good luck CV!

Yes D's is 12 and gets distracted, but sometimes I think hit them where it hurts is a quick way to get the message home. I said I'll replace his water bottle (a birthday present), I think I'm just so annoyed because it's so close the end of term! I guess buy everything one size too big?

Go CV! rather you than me

Good advice from Rose too, Cremo - when does all this worry about our DC end?

Oh BD, how very annoying. I would be furious (I don't think my DC have ever lost anything other than DS losing his Zip card once - my wrath must have scared them enough!) and buy everything a size bigger.

In downsizing news, Where oh where are you? Our offer on the Grand Hotel in Brighton has been accepted, so I think we should meet to discuss the finer points.

Both my dc have been through phasing of losing everything. Retribution in any form didn't help - teaching the twits practical tips did (a bit).