When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he did not want to know and did not take it in, and neither did my mother. He had been rushed into hospital with very high levels of calcium in his blood. They did some tests and x rays and then told them what they had found, and that they would be keeping him in hospital only until they had sorted out the calcium in his blood - he would then go home and the palliative care team would be in touch. He was told, gently, but very clearly, that he had, at best, months, and at worst, weeks. Did he, or my mother, have any questions.
Yes, said my Dad. Once I've got the calcium levels back to normal, I can just go home, is that it? No more hospital treatment? He wanted to know if he would still be able to drive, go on holiday in a couple of months. He absolutely did not take it in. The doctor tried again. He said my Dad could be at home, until such time as his condition deteriorated, and then he could go into a hospice. Dad asked if the stay in the hospice would just be for a few days, until he was back on his feet. He and my mother just refused to believe what they were being told, could not accept that a) he had cancer b) that it was terminal. They just repeated over and over again, that once the calcium levels were back to normal, which was "just one of those things that happens" that he would be able to come home and life would go back to normal.
No matter what the doctor said, how he phrased it, the message just did not go in. Right up to the day before he died, my Dad was saying about looking forward to getting better, going on holiday, wouldn't tell my Mum the pin number to the cash card "I'll get some cash out in a couple of days when I'm feeling a bit better." My Mum got the message - it was drummed into her by her GP and the Macmillan nurse while I was there. Inevitably, her first words were "But what am I going to do if he dies?"
I'm sorry, MI, that's not terribly helpful - I just wanted to illustrate that my Dad really did not want to know, and maybe your Mum's lack of research points to her feeling the same way? My Gran, in contrast, did want to know all the options and made the decision to go ahead with the operation and to have the bag, even though she knew it would be difficult, and was well for another ten years.
And Molly is right - it does become your dilemma.