Do you always look presentable for your DH.

[hownow]

I'm a SAHM so DH no longer sees me dressed up to go out to work. I get dressed properly every day as we always leave the house but I wear pretty minimal make up and my hair is always in a bun for practicality. And I'm not the type to look great with my hair up! I only look somewhat attractive with my hair loose and styled (takes forever to do so isn't feasible on a regular basis).

I also remove makeup/double cleanse during bath time at 6ish so DH sees me with glasses on, bare face, hair up. Haven't got loads of cash so my loungewear leaves a lot to be desired.

Men are visual aren't they?! Should I be making more effort? What do you all do in terms of 'keeping up appearances' at home?

[StyleCrisis]

*difference

[woollytights]

Garlic just to clarify, my frustration is aimed at the "hahahahahahhahahaha no." camp, not the people who are actually discussing the matter.

[StyleCrisis]

I hope you haven't gone for good, OP

I'd like to discuss this with you, as it's something I wonder about too.

[OOAOML]

Trust me Style I wouldn't fancy him if he stank of sweat and mackerel! We just don't go in for lots of grooming. But then we never really have. I like to look nice (and this is my version of nice, which doesn't involve make up because I don't feel comfortable in it) for myself. I like to wear the colours I like wearing. I like to wear styles of clothes that suit me. I am thinking of getting my teeth straightened because it will make me feel better about myself. Possibly me feeling better about myself makes me more pleasant to be around?

Re smelling nice I buy and wear perfumes that I like. I don't wear a lot of it around my husband because he doesn't like strong perfumes (he makes a huge song and dance about avoiding the perfume section of department stores) - maybe that's my lax version of considering him and making an effort? I assure you though, we do shower, wash, use deodorant, clean teeth etc.

[leedy]

"when you first were getting together with your partner? Did you have the same attitude? I.e. This man should fall in love with irrespective of whether I make an effort? "

Er, probably yes, actually. We were both in our early 20s and fancied each other something rotten regardless of what we were wearing, have no memory at all of "making an effort" for him. Also spent a lot of time going out to really sweaty techno clubs full of people wearing combats and band t-shirts, in the dark, and suspect my entire makeup collection consisted of about two lipsticks.

I do generally enjoy clothes/makeup these days, but actually find the idea that I need to do something to my appearance to make DP fancy me (lest he stray in search of a better-groomed woman) kind of bizarre.

[woollytights]

And I don't consider bullying and belittling to be an acceptable part of "discussing varying opinions". Before I posted last night the overwhelming majority of posts were unneccessarily nasty towards the OP.

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

Cheers for your replies, woolly.

You know what, I'm getting quite irritated by all the posts saying "You tarted yourself up in the early days, didn't you?" It was okay when there were only one or two ... This is not a law of nature. Call me unreasonably secure in my appearance, but I used to make a point of letting boyfriends see me looking 'normal' (blotchy, scruffy, dishevelled) before the third date. I used to go a bundle on grooming and was damn sure I didn't want to get into a relationship with a bloke who required glamour - or was so thick that he didn't know it's all artifice.

OK, I ended up with superficial tossers anyway but at least I was clear on that one point!

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

... or leedy's sweaty techno version of same

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Actually I didn't used to tart up in the early days.

DH has always preferred me first thing in the morning, messy hair, pillow creases and so on. He bewails the fact that he has to leave so early for work rather than climbing back into bed and shagging me on an almost daily basis. Can some of you really not grasp that some men fancy their wives regardless of how they look? Beginning to realise I'm even luckier than I thought!

[dibly]

In answer the the op, we recently adopted a LO so after many years of being suited up for work, I'm now in comfy clothes and sporting the haggard look more often than I'd like. Isn't it normal after such a major life change to wonder if other women are still managing to make a small effort for their oh? I have. I'm painfully aware that my appearance has been on the back burner, don't feel great about myself, and feel that this is contributing to our lack of sex life - not necessarily that he's stopped finding me attractive, but aware that I'd feel better about myself if I made more of an effort. Not saying that I want to sport the full face and neglige ensemble but surely there's a middle ground here?

[Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire]

"when you first were getting together with your partner? Did you have the same attitude? "

Well my circs were a bit unusual because he was my lodger first, before we got together. So he'd already seen me at my "normal" - in from work, grumpy, relaxed, not making any fuss - and it seemed a bit pointless to up the ante from there, tbh. AND seemed like a good basis for a relationship - he'd already seen the "real" me, not the carefully vetted version that most people use in the first few weeks of a new relationship!

If I started primping on a daily basis he'd wonder what I was up to! Of course we both dress up for going out purposes, and to some extent I think that it's more effective by being a change from the norm, iyswim.

[solidussnake]

I get home from work then I need to wait for 11 for DP to get home - so I have a shower, redo my hair and stick some mascara on. This is because it makes me feel better and he comes home and says i look nice. its nice to feel nice, its nice to look nice. Although I might be in my PJs, i think I look nice so yes sometimes I do
on weekends i look like a foot though so

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Alibaba... in your example you're in bed, presumably not wearing a great deal and your Dh is getting up for work. Not exactly unusual that your dh would prefer to get back into bed and have a shag!

We're talking about slobbing about for the vast majority of time not caring how you look.

[mypoosmellsofroses]

Maybe it's an age thing,being an older couple, but I do lots of things that I consider "making an effort" to show DH how much I care about him, like cooking things he especially likes sometimes, reminding him to take his pills, giving him a massage, organising nice stuff to do, even if that's just a dvd and snuggle up night.

I rarely dress up and almost never wear makeup. Yesterday I was deep cleaning the bathroom in a hoodie that my son outgrew and some grotty old leggings, hair just back in a ponytail. The cleaning got abandoned as we ended up in bed in the afternoon. If we go out for the evening, we both look nice and appreciate that, but I find him equally attractive in his scruffs when he's been washing the car or working in the garage.

I suppose my point is that there are numerous ways to make an effort that don't involve your appearance, and physical appearance is far from the only factor in feeling attracted/attractive.

[50ShadesOfSummer]

OOAOML said:
Do you think there is a similar forum with husbands discussing primping themselves up for their wives?

Probably not! OTOH I know my DH wears stuff that I've said I like more than he wears stuff I've said I don't like. He'll change into "loungewear" in the evening but it and he will always be clean and presentable.

Similarly, I'll be clean and presentable in the evening. When we go out I'll wear stuff I know he likes me in. Does this make me a 1950s throwback? I don't think so.

[YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx]

I don't even shave my pits anymore.

That's my contribution to this thread

[thesaurusgirl]

I haven't RTFT in full but here's my unfashionable opinion:

I reckon my long term relationship broke up, in part, because I stopped making an effort with my appearance once I started working at home the majority of the time.

I went from someone who was usually very well presented to someone who looked a bit rough almost all the time that my ex saw me.

It wasn't about my appearance, as such, it was about the fact that I had begun to take my partner for granted, and had ceased to make the best of myself. Not attractive qualities in a person.

It's not sexist; if he had allowed himself to turn into a slob over night I'd have gone off him too.

[YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx]

thesaurus I'm pretty sure you're appearance had bog all to do with your split, if you don't mind me saying.

And if it did, congratulations. You're well rid

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Just because you don't go in for the full groomed look doesn't make you a slob.

I can't imagine that the effort I put in or don't put in on my appearance has much to do with how much we shag. I shall keep a survey though!

[thesaurusgirl]

I am well rid YourKids, for different reasons. But I shoulder my share of the blame for the split, and ceasing to make an effort about my appearance (and a whole of other stuff, it's all connected) was definitely something to do with it. He met me glossy and vivacious, and I'd morphed into a different person.

Agree with what a PP said about fancying her husband more if he's in a suit and has had a shave. We all have a shiny version of ourselves, and it's a shame that the most important person in our lives doesn't get to see it.

[aliciaj]

Dh fell in love with me in our teens when we used to work together. I was not even allowed to wear make up in the job I was in. If the man only fell in love with the made up version of you then you were probably just not that great looking normally

[aliciaj]

That was tongue in cheek to enjoying btw.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Dh finds me most presentable when I'm naked. Obviously, it is not practical for me to be naked picking him up from the station at seven in the evening.
Everything else is just 'you look nice' :)

[Chandon]

What is all this myth about the 50s, with all women as housewives in pink pinnies?

Do people know anything at all about that era?

A lot had changed for women during WWII, and my mum, for one, went to Uni, got a job and then bought herself a house. To live in. on her own. In the 50s

And isn't even a feminist (or do se thinks).

All this 50s bashing is so silly. Not all women were like Betty Draper.

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

Married women did both, Chandon, and your mother was a remarkable exception. 1950s housewives were under huge pressure to achieve the impossible. Here's a Daily Mail article and there are some brilliant links about the era in FWR :)

The TUC in 1948 had this to say about equal pay for women: "There is little doubt in the minds of the General Council that the home is one of the most important spheres for a woman worker and that it would be doing a great injury to the life of the nation if women were persuaded or forced to neglect their domestic duties in order to enter industry particularly where there are young children to cater for."

Married women were not allowed mortgages, could be required to leave their job upon marriage or pregnancy, and weren't allowed to do their own tax returns. In all things financial & official, the husband acted for her.

Another good Mail article.