Do you always look presentable for your DH.

[hownow]

I'm a SAHM so DH no longer sees me dressed up to go out to work. I get dressed properly every day as we always leave the house but I wear pretty minimal make up and my hair is always in a bun for practicality. And I'm not the type to look great with my hair up! I only look somewhat attractive with my hair loose and styled (takes forever to do so isn't feasible on a regular basis).

I also remove makeup/double cleanse during bath time at 6ish so DH sees me with glasses on, bare face, hair up. Haven't got loads of cash so my loungewear leaves a lot to be desired.

Men are visual aren't they?! Should I be making more effort? What do you all do in terms of 'keeping up appearances' at home?

[SageSeymour]

I'm just astonished that so many S and B posters are admitting to basically being unkempt slobs who can't be arsed to shave their legs or wash their hair or get out of their trackie bottoms, lest they lose their feminist credentials.

What the hell is wrong with making yourself look attractive for your husband ? I'd be horrified if mine suddenly stopped shaving or washing or spent all his time with me in a baggy dressing gown- seems pretty disrespectful to me

[nequidnimis]

Makemewarmthiswinter - yes, thank you

If anyone had suggested I 'dress up' for DH even 5 years ago I would have laughed. I always thought I should be able to be myself and that he should fancy me no matter what.

Now I'm glad he was honest, and we're both happier. I guess this is what people mean when they talk about 'working at' marriage, and making compromises, and trying to make the other person happy. Maybe you don't have to in the early years, but IME you will eventually reach that stage at some point. It has to be a two way street obviously.

[prettywhiteguitar]

I think I kind of understand what you're saying, I never wear lounge wear unless I'm ill !

However I spend my life in jeans and what I think is a collection of cool tops and shirts, try to keep my hair nice and wear make up. This doesn't change when dp gets home.

I think maybe you just need to stop projecting into him as he may well not care at all but if it bothers you, change a little bit of the things you find annoying ? Like take your make up off but leave your hair down and get a different cut ? I think your appearance is bothering you ? Not necessarily your dh.

And everyone else pile off ! Poor op

[SageSeymour]

Pacific - I think the OP went on to say that she'd worded it badly.

[prettywhiteguitar]

Projecting onto

[MarshaBrady]

I only put pjs on at bed time really, otherwise it's clothes all day.

But I wouldn't change if dh wasn't here, I just feel too yuck.

[BringMeTea]

Ooo lots going on here. Any effort I make with my appearance is for me only. I can honestly say that I have never worn make up or clothing in order to appeal to partners (barring occasional lingerie forays and again I think i could count this on one hand and there was no pressure to do so). I would be very concerned if a partner suggested I should make more effort in order for them to find me more attractive.

OP, if your partner has never commented I wonder why you are worried? Do whatever makes you feel more presentable. But the emphasis is on you. I am sure your partner finds you very attractive as you are.

[aliciaj]

I agree with makemewarm in that when I am not dressed up I never think I look terrible, whether in loungewear or not. Maybe thats what made me feel so uncomfortable at this idea.I suppose it depends how bad we are talking eg if really out of shape then I can get the levels of attraction going down.

[Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire]

No. That is all.

[Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire]

Oo sorry, not quite all, hadn't seen this:
"I'd be horrified if mine suddenly stopped shaving or washing or spent all his time with me in a baggy dressing gown- seems pretty disrespectful to me"

Mine is into "comfort wear" in the evenings and at the weekends. Not quite a baggy dressing gown, but slobby tracksuit bottoms or sleeping shorts, and he doesn't shave or shower at the weekend unless he's done some hard graft that got him all sweaty. When on holiday, he rarely shaves. I find the "comfort wear" pretty gruesome, tbh, but he doesn't care; it's what he wants to do to be comfortable. And that's ok.

[SageSeymour]

Thumb - I think I'd wonder what was wrong with my husband if he chose not to shower at all at the weekend. I take it he showers for work? If so , why not at home when he's not working ?

I need to check again that this is in S and B I think

I'm just not attracted to unshowered, shabbily dressed men who come in and fart after a day at work and I wouldn't expect my DH to be attracted to me either if I was like that.

I will say that currently I'm not well and have spent all week in and out of bed with a kidney stone so yeah - I'm in my pyjamas a lot right now. But usually ? Perish the thought!

[Hugeheadache]

I like to look presentable for my own self esteem, and wether it's my DH, friends or to do the grocery. Doesnt mean I look done at all times. My DH has seen me looking rough many times (nothing wrong with that) but in general I take care of myself and feel good for it. I would say you need to find a style that is practical, comfortable and suits you. Crucially, if it involves make up etc, it needs to be quick. I wear make up, jewellery etc even on playdates but it has become such a habit it's not an effort anymore.
I don't understand the bitching but I do agree you need to do it for yourself, be yourself, first and foremost. Your DH should be so lucky to be with you

[mowglik]

A lot of you are saying that your partners don't care but how do you know unless you have asked them outright?

Who wouldn't appreciate their partner looking more attractive and dare I say it, sexy when they get home/when their partner gets home.

I'm not too hung up on looks myself but I love it when my DH wears something that makes him look esp hot, I can't stop looking at him/checking him out as opposed to if he's wearing old grubby clothes. I imagine he feels the same and I'm glad he is upfront and sometimes asks me to wear sexy stuff to bed - from some peoples comments I think they would be offended if their OH asked them to do so, which is a shame

[Eliza22]

Yes, I do. He sees me at my worst (Nosferatu - a kind of bloodless, transparent look I sport as have no makeup and hair all over the show) first thing in the morning and til lunchtime (often) at the weekends. But....once I've showered and washed my hair, I do my face. Every day. He knows I scrub up well and he always comments.

He does too. He shaves daily always dresses nicely. No tracksuit bottoms or scruffy jeans. He was made redundant in Sept and hasn't gone all Wayne (as in Wayne & Waynetta) as a result.

I did gain quite a bit of weight a few years ago and worked hard to get it off. I've since gained a bit as I've been really unwell and my exercise (running/cycling) had to stop. I'm a bit depressed about that but, there was nothing I could do. After Christmas, if I feel I can, I'll get back into my routine. I personally like to look nice for him, but mostly for me.

[Eliza22]

Forgot to say.... When he was working he travelled a lot. Europe most,y but also the U.S. and would be away for days on end. Mothers no way I'd have him come home to me, looking like a wrung out dishcloth. In fairness, I know he adores me whatever I look like but when I'm all prettied up and he's sneeking an appreciative peek at me, it's nice.

[SageSeymour]

Yes it is nice Eliza and I truly don't believe that thinking that makes you worthy of scorn from the hordes of posters on this thread who can't be arsed to make any effort whatsoever

[freshlysharpenedpencils]

Haven't read the whole thread. Saw the title though and thought oh no....

I was thinking this the other day. I'm a SAHM too. I wear no make up and pjs most days (as Im now pregnant again and feel too sick to go out). If I go out I make a big effort as I'm like that - always have been. Suppose my SE is very low so always feel I need to wear a lot of make up and do my hair to an odd degree. I make a big effort to see other women...but dont give my partner much thought. He doesn't seem to notice if I'm made up or not...but we have a fab sex life and I think we love each other very much.

ps. He couldn't say much. As soon as he gets home he puts on his pants and not much else.

[aliciaj]

I do think it depends if you have the underlying bits underneath. Neither of us ever have less than flat stomach, toned body, would never have excess weight etc.

Dh had a trade job and he looks really attractive even in shabby work clothes as he is fit and in good shape generally. I think that's what stops people looking attractive not necessarily the clothes/make up.

[MilkThistle187]

Personally, I hate 'loungewear' it makes me feel sloppy, and I only wear pyjamas in bed, but that doesn't mean I don't have comfortable clothes to wear at home.

OP have a look in the sales for jersey dresses, tube skirts, cashmere jumpers, palazzo pants, that kind of thing.

Clinique chubby sticks for eyes and lips take seconds to put on and instantly make me look and feel better. I would leave the double cleansing until I go to bed myself.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good, I am not a traitor to the feminist cause for caring about my appearance. Equally there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to look good for your partner. Not caring about how you look equates with 'giving up' to me.

DH takes a lot of care about how he dresses, grooming etc

We're a shallow pair, but well matched

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

sage get a grip. Very few people are saying they make no effort at all.

But for me, DH get home when I'm in the middle of trying to get the dinner on the table, supervise homework/put more laundry on/stop the DSs from mortally wounding one another over a piece of Lego etc etc. I certainly don't stop at any point during that process to think 'oh I'd better go and brush my hair/put on a clean top/spray perfume/put on lipgloss before DH gets home'.

[hairylittlegoblin]

I don't make a huge effort but I do like to look nice when I can. Good clothes and a bit of make up make me feel better about myself (which probably makes me a terribly shallow person but there it is).

I wouldn't ever dress nicely because I felt I ought to but I know that if I've made an effort and I feel that I look attractive I tend to be happier and that affects my relationship with DH if that makes sense?

For me, my appearance tends to reflect how I am feeling about myself. Do you want to look different and feel that you lack the time for it or are you happy with how things are but worry about your DP? There are lots of lovely ladies in Style and Beauty who can give you tips if it's the former. If it's the latter you need to speak to your DP about how you're feeling.

[FallonColby]

I understand you OP. When I first started going out with DH I always made an effort and wanted to look nice so why should that change just because we have been married for years. It only takes me a minute to do a quick swizz of perfume, lipstick and blusher before I see him. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in your appearance - ever.

[kaykayblue]

I think people are quite quick to jump to extremes on this thread. It seems to be "oh, if you want to look nice for your husband then you are a stepford wife, who pathetically feels the need to get up an hour before her husband to do her "face"". Or, it's "I haven't brushed my hair since 1998 and fuck you all".

Isn't there a pretty huge middle ground? I've been running with my partner, climbed volcanoes with him, thrown up in front of him....etc, and didn't give a shit how nightmarish I looked. It probably didn't even cross my mind to think about it?

But I'm always showered and dressed when he gets home. I might not be in my finest glad rags, but I'm not in pj's are whatever the hell lounge wear is when it's at home. If I'm in the mood, I'll have a bit of perfume and make up on. If not, I won't.

Sometimes he gets back and I'm dripping in sweat from doing a dvd.

I guess I would say that I make the same effort for him that I would expect him to make for me.

[GarlicGiftsAndGlitter]

But I don't understand the almost gleeful tales of taking pride in making no effort at all.

I do! If I had a partner who loved ME, as I am, scruffy & puffy OR sleek & smooth - who genuinely never gave a thought to how well I match up to received beauty ideals from mass media or porn - I would be over the moon. Gleeful, in fact. I've never had a relationship that felt this forgiving and secure, but I know they exist. They're probably the majority :)

Not caring about how you look equates with 'giving up' to me.

It does to you. Not to everyone.

[ZaraW]

I make an effort for myself but I don't see a problem wanting to look nice for your partner. There have been some pretty nasty comments on here. My ex used to be a bit of a slob when he got home from work and I found it a bit of a turn off.

I was really sick about 5 years ago and didn't have the energy to get out of bed and stick a brush through my hair. It made me pretty depressed so I always make some kind of effort whether I am single or dating.