The Crepey Cube

[cremolafoam]

I do think gentle honesty is best Herbs, although agree you may need to think with dp whether tomorrow is the best time for ds to visit, when the news is still so raw for everyone and ds will have had no chance of taking in what you tell him about dadda.
this is a sweet book that might help ds?

Maybe DP can go on his own, and I'll explain to DS what's happening. I hope he'll get a chance to see Dadda again...

Oh god. Just opening that link QQ made me start to cry. This is going to be hard.

And now I've got to take DS on his playdate, without letting on.

Ridiculous as it sounds, I may have to call on the fact that our cat died two years ago. DS still remembers it vividly, and still asks me if he's coming back.

Absolutely yes to the cat. Actually I think it's one of the big things about having pets, that it is a way for children to learn about life and death

(mournful look at Grumpy Cat)

Yes, agree with what Rudy said...
When MIL died very suddenly one of the most upsetting things for dh I think was ds1 (aged 5) not being the least outwardly upset... (but of course he was wholly unprepared which is different from your situation).

Oh Herbs

I remember DD at the same age, talking about a little friends GP who died and saying that they had gone to be a star in the sky It seemed to help her and the little friend.

I couldn't ever use that Mog book as it just makes me blub looking at the damn thing, but it is very good if you can keep yourself from weeping copiously whilst reading it to your child. (personal note: I'm a bit wary of that old saw about pets being a way to learn about death. After a year in which dd had to deal with the loss of her dad, my dad, her step-grandma and an uncle, having the dog die as well was absolutely the last straw for her and for me. Completely bloody finished us both off.)

We saw my parents every Sunday during the last year of my dad's life. I only stopped taking dd over in the last 2 weeks before he died, when it actually got to the point where he might have expired mid-Sunday roast. That said, we only did that because my dm nursed him at home. Not sure if I'd have taken the dcs to see him that often if he'd been in hospital. That's a totally different call, somehow. At the time, Dd was pretty tough about everything, except the dog. My older nephew, who was about 3 when my df died, got really worried every time he was ill for a while afterwards "cos I doesn't want to be deaded like Grandad".

I think what I mean by that is that you can't really predict how they're going to take it and you just need to do what feels right at the time.

I still remember, at my advanced age, hearing my aunt tell my DM that she had been shocked when I had told her that "nan", my DGDad's second wife, had died (I must have been about five, I think). She was amazed that I just put it in the conversation and then both she and my DM said, "oh, she doesn't understand". I am not sure if I did or not, but I wanted you to know that as far as I was concerned, at age maybe five, I just - to their eyes - shrugged it off. Nan's death, however, happened at the other end of the country and I had no regular contact with her as it was so far away. I quite like the idea of being a star in the sky, if that helps your DS, Herbs.

This book is really lovely too, but another tear-jerker.

So sorry Herbs. You've had loads of good advice here and remember to look after yourself too. x

Oh Herbs, how awful.

Wonderful advice from the crepeys, as ever. What a wise bunch.

You are all so wonderful.

DP is determined that we go with him tomorrow, as he can't face it on his own, so in the spirit of lalsy's "just do what he wants", that's what we'll do.

I think I'll tell DS what's happening before we go.

And as for stars, I've already told him that he was a star in the sky before he was born, and that the cat is now a star, so it works perfectly.

It's a funny age - old enough to be affected by it, but not old enough to really understand.

And stropps - I can imagine in your circs, the dog's death timing didn't exactly ease matters. But I suppose if a guinea pig dies a convenient year or so before a grandparent, it does help introduce the concept of mortality.

Herbs - so sorry to hear this news. You might actually find that it helps, having DS around, as it will lift everyone's mood and give them something else to focus on. This is what I found with DD1 when my father was terminally ill. He also enjoyed spending time with her, when he was still able (she was a baby then). We didn't take her to the hospice, although she did visit in hospital, and she didn't see him in his last few weeks (very few weeks, it was only 6 weeks from diagnosis to death).

Practical help was the most useful - my Mum had a neighbour who dropped off: wine, gin (and tonic and lemons!), casseroles, cakes and took me shopping when my Mum wasn't up to it. She also called all the neighbours and told them when my Dad died, called the vicar and helped with the funeral. It sounds overwhelming, but she wasn't - she seemed to know intuitively when to withdraw. She and her husband took us out to lunch about a week after the funeral - perfect timing, as I was preparing to head back overseas.

FiL is in hospital at the moment, and will be tomorrow I think, so not sure what opportunities there will be to see him. I agree - I'm not sure it's going to be right to take DS.

And yes - I'll just whisk DS to the park, garden, etc, if things get heavy and the family needs to be able to just do their thing without worrying about upsetting him.

Good advice Rudy.

Luckily our DC haven't had to deal with the death of anyone really close yet.

Shall I distract you all? Mr Inferior is about to embark on 10 days of Hardcore T'ai Chi. This means twice-daily practice, lots of meditation in the evenings, no red meat no sugar no caffeine (also no booze or drugs but he gave up booze about 18 months ago and has never been one for the recreationals ahem) and he is doing this through choice.

And more seriously, Herbs, do remember to take care of yourself; and remember that people who are bereaved can sometimes take it out on others too. I do know that DP - and friends have had similar experiences - was really hard to live with for a while. Totally understandably. So yes, do what he wants, but also offload on us when you need to.

Thanks all. I really do appreciate it. And just think - if we meet on 28 March, you can look forward to a real-life offload. In a gold skirt.

We must all wear our gold skirts.

I will wear my brocade coat

Darn it! I knew I should have got one

So is the 28th a definite? Fingers crossed!

Herbs, yes, totally get the point about a well-timed pet death. My remark was only an aside, really. It was just unfortunate that an acquaintance gate-crashed a convo at a really bad moment and thought she'd trot out the "pets are useful for learning about death" line and it was, frankly, one of the few times in my life I have ever come close to completely losing the plot in public, given the state that dd was in and the idiot woman had a bit of knowledge about our situation and should have stopped to think. Sore point. Is all. :) Shouldn't actually have mentioned it.

MI, 10 days of hardcore T'ai Chi? Takes all sorts...