Ladies, just popping in to ask your advice of a non A and W nature. As a bunch of wise mothers I thought you offer some perspective. I have just found out that a friend of mine is pregnant and will def be having the baby. Her bf has left her and cut off all contact. She is financially comfortable, but has a high pressure job with v long hours. She is a highly intelligent lady but has no experience at all to do with babies, and has little relationship with her parents (no siblings.) I think she feels overwhelmed and adrift. I have written a long email trying to think about what I could say to her. Could you tell me if you think the text below is Ok or does it sound odd? (Apologies for length!)
'I have been musing over your thrilling news since last Friday and I am so excited for you. It is a huge challenge, but I know from personal experience just how amazing it can be. You have been so successful at so many things in your life up until now, and that strength will serve you well now.
I tried to think of some 'words of wisdom' and then rapidly realised that I am about as far from an 'all knowing guru' as you can get...I am not YOU and cannot live your life for you, so in the end all I came up with is a set of questions that I think will need to be answered fairly quickly, given you are soon to be a mum!
- You have a legal obligation to tell your employers within the next couple of months(as I am sure you have looked up by now.) www.yourlegalrights.co.uk/employment/maternity-rights This site gives a useful summary. Questions around this area are:
Do you want to return to work?
If so, do you want to return to this job?
Do you want to ask for part-time/reduced hours, which they are legally obliged to consider?
Obviously, if you decide to return to work, then you will need to source childcare. You will have plenty of time on maternity leave to arrange that (nanny etc), however if it is going to involve any sort of nursery, then you will probably need to book a place NOW, (seriously!) as good nurseries fill up very quickly. OFSTED will obviously have inspection reports for local nurseries. You can also post a question on Mumsnet (see below...)asking for opinions on nurseries.
- Practical and emotional support when the baby is born. This is a really amazing, exciting time, but it is physically pretty tough, and the sleep deprivation etc can make things seem demanding.
Who do you want there during the birth?
Who can help you during the initial stages after taking the baby home?
You can hire a doula, whose role is to support you during the birth, and visit for some weeks after and help you with any jobs you need. Alternatively you can hire a maternity nurse who can help you for the nighttime for the first few weeks - you will still be waking up if breastfeeding, but they can settle the baby staright afterwards to maximise your sleep, and they are also experienced at settling the baby into a routine.
Another option is to consider what friends and family can do. I know that relations with you family are not always easy, and I suppose the question here is whether at such a stressful and vulnerable time you think they will make things easier or not for you? I know you have several good friends in the London area and you may need to have them on stand-by to help. In addition, I will say right now that I will be happy to help in any way I can. First births are generally pretty slow, so I could be with you within a couple of hours to support you in labour if that is what you wanted - equally, I am happy to come and stay for 2/3 nights to help out when you get home and do what is needed, whether that means allowing you to get an hours sleep - or loading the dishwasher!
- I am sure there are a million and one questions swirling around in your head right now. There are two organisations/sources of information that I would really, really recommend:
National Childbirth Trust: www.nct.org.uk/home. It is obviously easy to read up on the mechanics of birth and breastfeeding. What NCT classes do is to introduce you to a bunch of people from your local area who are all having babies within a similar period. Please don't underestimate how weird it is being at home with a small baby on your own when you are used to the structure and adult interaction work gives you. Frankly, I found this harder than labour!! I met up regularly with the women I met via the classes (most of whom were professional working women), and 5 years on I am still in regular touch with them all - and now would now call one of them one of my best friends. It is well worth it.
Mumsnet: www.mumsnet.com/ . The name sounds really naff, I know. However this is a HUGE source of advice. There will DEFINITELY be people on this board who have been in exactly the same situation as you i.e prospective single parent working in a high pressure finance role. I would really urge you to join (its free and takes minutes) and post a question asking for advice about how people in your situation have made things work.
Phew! I think that is my 'first draft' of downloading my initial thoughts for you. I really hope none of this comes across as patronizing - I was just trying to put myself in your shoes, but also doing it from the the perspective of someone who has had a baby, and thinking about what you may need.
I am seriously happy to help in anyway and I can, and am already getting excited about having a cuddle from your beautiful baby! I have deliberately not got involved in relationship advice here, as I am even less qualified there. From what you have told me, it sounds like at the moment you need to focus on yourself and you baby....anything else will be what it will be, but I think if we focus on you and that bump at the moment, then we won't go far wrong.
I really hope we can see and talk to each other soon.
Lots of love'