Advice urgently needed! Step-mother going insane!

[Gemz23]

Hi to whoever reads this and/or replies:

When I met my husband I knew he had a young daughter (was 13months at time I met her) and we got married at the end of last year. We have her every second w/end (she lives with her Mother the rest of the time) and I love her like she was my own. I get on with her Mother aswell (which I think is important) and we have no major problems in general. About a week before our wedding my husband found out that a woman he was sleeping with (before he met me) had been pregant and had allegedly had his child. We decided to ignore this and if it ever came up again that we would deal with it then. Today he has rung me to say that a letter arrived at his work from Child Support asking for maintenance for this child. We don't know if it is his for sure (he believes the mother may have been sleeping with other men at the same time) and she already has 3 other children to different fathers - but we have resigned ourselves to a DNA test to find for for sure. In the event of this other child being my husbands; I have said that I'm prepared for us to pay maintenance (because it will be the both of us paying for it... not just him) BUT that as far as I'm concerned the child doesn't exist to me. I have already taken on another child which isn't mine (this was my decision and I wouldn't change it for the world) however I don't see why I should have to do it again. As it stands financially we can't have a child of our own anyways. The first time this 'issue' reared up we both decided that even if it was his we would pay for it but not have contact because he was basically like a sperm donor... it was a mistake that shouldnt have happened and we have subsequently discussed it once more since then prior to now and the same conclusion was reached. TODAY however he has said otherwise and I'm thinking along the lines that dependent on the outcome of the paternity test and what he wants to do I'll be saying "me or the new child"... I know that sounds selfish and harsh but I don't see why I should have to take on the responsibility of another child which isn't mine. We already struggle financially and if this child is my husbands then it will make life even harder but I've accepted that as we can do nothing about that. I do feel really horrible about potentially giving my husband an ultimatum if the child turns out to be his (and feel sorry for the kid who didn't ask to be born into this circumstance) but also feel that I've been unselfish and generous and I don't want to start resenting my life with him as I do love him loads. I just would really like to hear some advice from people who don't know any of us personally (because people I've spoken to have all agreed with me but I don't know if thats because they feel loyal towards me or because some don't have children at all!). Thank you

gosh Gemz23 I don't now if I have anything to tell you or words to help you as have no experience of this. I don't know how I'd feel if I was you, or your husband either What a difficult situation. Good luck.

You're getting ahead of yourself. If the DNA test shows your DH is the father, deal with it then. It's up to you what YOU do, but as Reality says, if your DH wants a relationship with this child, that's up to him.

You are unbelivable. You have no right to dictate to your DH when/if he wants contact with this child.

As a step-parent, you take it on as part of your DH. I am a step-parent, and try my hardest to support my DH in his contact with dss. If the child is your DH's, yes you will have to pay for the child, thats how it goes.

Agree with Reality. You're better off leaving him and finding someone else who doesn't have 'skeletons' in their cupboards (for want of a better phrase), that way you won't have to find yourself having to deal with such 'inconveniences' cropping up. What a horrendous attitude.

I seriously cannot believe you would make your DH choose between marriage or a (potential) child of his. There is no contest in my eyes.

Anyone who makes their dh choose between them or their child deserves to end up lonely and sad. What a selfish person you are.

I am not a stepparent but I am at your attitude.

I sincerely hope you are a troll.

It's your husband's house, life and future too. NOT just yours. I could almost understand any objections about paying for the child, given that you have only just been contacted about it, but to try to come between a relationship between a child and it's daddy is selfish, immature and wrong.

Your friends are telling you what you want to hear. You cannot stand in the way of your husband getting to know his child.

If you can't deal with the fact that his children will be a part of your lives (whether you like it or not), then you must seriously ask yourself whether the two of you have a future together.

I read this hours ago and what reality said pretty much sums up how I felt but couldn't think how to write it so didn't.

Part of me can understand a knee jerk reaction in shock but to genuinely consider an ultimatum is abhorrent.

It did cross my mind that this might be a troll and I sincerely hope it is because if not I feel sorry for the DH and the poor child.

I think the reactions have been really harsh to someone who has come here for support and been really honest about her feelings.

This situation must have been a real shock for you and taking on a child that is not your own is a massive thing to do. Could your feelings be something to do with not being able to have a child of your own, financially?

Agree with mmrred.
The circumstances have changed since OP agreed to marry her partner therefore she should not be criticised for wishing to reconsider her choice.

I can see it is a difficult position to be in and in all honesty I don't know how I would react...I hope that I would rise above the shock and welcome any part of our family.

Just as a personal note...I am the child that you are hoping to ignore, I have never met my father, although i know he knows that I exist. Do you really understand what a difference your 'ultimatum' will make to everyone involved? And quite possibly even to future genartions as well depending on how this child feels about a father who doesn't acknowledge their existence....I mean if even your parents don't want to know you....what sort of message is this sending to the child? The he/she isn't good enough, turned up to late?

I feel for you, really I do, life would be so much easier without surprises but you cannot dictate other people's lives like this, part of me wants to say it's actually nothing to do with you it is between a father and his (possible) child...but I'm fairly sure you won't see it that way.

I can totally understand the emotions you are going through at the moment, I have been through it myself, albeit slightly different circumstances but the be all and end all of it is if you stop your H from having a relationship with his child that he wants to see then he may end up resenting you for stopping him.

This is such a big thing. Some men can walk away from children they have conceived, some cannot. I think you need to ask your H what he wants and then make the decision what you want taking into consideration your H's reply.

In my experience "ultimatums" in this scenario do not work when a man wants to have a relationship with their child. My H said he would not for me. He didn't think I could cope with it (neither did I, the baby was born into different circumstances to yours) but he was unhappy and felt guilty. I couldn't do that to him.

It's a horrible situation to be in. I hope you can sort things out. As awful as it would be for the poor child, I hope the DNA results come back as you wish. And good luck with the CSA. They can be pains in the backsides. x

Im a step parent too Gem.

Like ChocHobnob I can understand your panic but I really think you are getting way ahead of yourself. Try to calm down and cross each bridge as it comes.

You would be a fool to give your husband an ultimatum, go with the flow and see what happens.

I didn't react strongly because the OP felt things had changed since she married her husband that is the bit I can understand what I cannot and will not understand is the fact that she herself says this innocent child didn;t ask to be in this situation yet she would make her husband choose child or her.
That is the bit I think is awful and I really don't think people should make these ultimatums unless they are really prepared so not be chosen becuase it is entirely possible it could happen that way.

I have been debating with myself all morning on whether to reply to these messages as I really don?t feel the need to explain myself any further; however to those of you who submitted sincere replies ? thank you. My head has been swimming with thoughts since the news of this child possibly being my husbands came to light yesterday.

It has amazed me how quick some people are to condemn and preach about rights ? it immediately brought the question to my mind ?what about my rights?? Do I have any in a situation like this or am I supposed to just ?go with the flow? and accept another child into my life that I neither produced nor wanted. Now I know by saying that I?ve opened myself up to another barrage of insults from the likes of wannaBe, Scorps and RealityIsNOTDetoxing; however the question remains. Is it selfish of me to believe or want to have rights of my own?

I believe that children are the most precious gift in the world and this unfortunate child was the result of a few weeks of ?shagging? (for lack of a better word) between two adults who were not in a relationship and from the mouth of my husband ?was not planned or wanted?. Not to make any assumptions about the mother in question but she does have 5 children all to different fathers. I believe that all children should be wanted by BOTH parents and not seen as a ?meal-ticket? and never considered a mistake which is what this is.

Regardless of what others think the only people really who count in the first instance are our family and loved ones (and those who know what we are going through currently on both his side and mine have agreed with me at this point) ? but again thanks to all who had input to my post.

My husband has every right to choose what he wants if the outcome is that the child is his ? and I will never stand in his way in what he decides (although that will probably be interpreted as me being selfish by some again), however I hope that I have some rights too and that my feelings are allowed to be expressed. I currently feel (and clearly have a bit of time to re-evaluate this whilst waiting for the results) that should it be proven that the child is his that I don?t want to play a part in it?s life. If anyone feels that I don?t have the right to feel that way then please keep your snide comments to yourself. Insults really don?t help matters much at all.
I can currently see no way that there can be a compromise if it transpires that we now feel differently. How can he have input in this childs life on a casual basis and yet not acknowledge it at home or any other time? Our house is filled with photos of our stepdaughter, I?ve designed her bedroom, she has a playroom ? we have bits of ?her? everywhere so how can this child not be treated the same way??? I don?t think that is fair on the child which was my reasoning albeit right or wrong.
Bring on the insults from those of you who I hope don?t live in glass houses whilst throwing stones? have you ever been put in a situation like this? I hope you never have to feel the way I am right now or go through something like this because it is heartbreaking; even just knowing that you need to have at least thought about all eventualities even if the outcome is what we both hope that that the poor child isn't his.

Gem, there is a decent support website for people in your situation, it is www.didn't haveachoice.com

You will find lots of fathers and their partners/wives there who will be able to talk this through with you without insulting you.

Thank you Itsmeolord - appreciate your comment.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing - it must be nice living up on your pedestal. Enjoy it until the day you fall off. Yes my husband did make the mistake of not sensibly using protection once according to him... and he potentially could be half to blame... however he didn't 'lie' and say he was on the pill when clearly wasn't. Each to their own - your own life must be very sad to be so rude to people who open themselves up for advice if you feel the need to continually insult them. After reading your comments I pity your poor child the most who has no say in the matter of growing up with you as a parent. Shame

She doesn't sound like a crazy person at all. She sounds like someone who is in shock having received a request for a DNA test for a child that her husband may have conceived before their marriage.

That means that the child must be at least 18 months to 2 years old. That is a huge thing to accept.

Most women in this situation do tend to start off in denial/very angry etc. And that is entirely understandable.
Her whole life is now upside down, instead of having a life that includes her husband, his first child and all the accompanying arrangements, familial realationships etc she will now have to create a life that includes integrating a second child into the family along with all of those associated familial relationships, arrangementts etc.

In this situation contact is often very difficult as the child will not have had any interaction at all with it's father. There could be a protracted legal process to go through if the mother is opposed to contact which will undoubtedly cause a huge amount of stress for all involved.
If the mother is not opposed to contact then it will have to start off as supervised, then slowly moving onto unsupervised.
In many cases the mother is opposed to the wife/partner being present at contact and will cite the reason as "the father needs to et to know his child" which can cause resentment between the wife and her husband as she will feel sidelined.

I could go on here but tbh I don't have the time.

Throwing insults at someone who is shocked confused and upset is not the way to bring about a decent conclusion for all concerned.
Talking it through and helping to counteract any objections however is much more effective.

For what it's worth, my dd's father has nothing to do with her and his wife has said that if he ever changed his mond she would leave him. I haven't taken offence at the op's posts.

Crossposted with Gem.

You are welcome to any support i can give you Gem but insulting Reality's child by way of retaliation is not on.
I doubt her child is either "poor" or to be pitied.

Apologies for grammar and spelling mistakes. Am in a rush.

itsmeolord you are right and I apologise to RealityIsNOTDetoxing for stooping to their level with trading insults about their child. I broke my own personal rule about saying nothing if one has nothing nice to say and for that I am sorry.

I had a look at the website you quoted however I'm not sure if the link is correct? It doesn't appear to work.

Thank you again for not necessarily understanding where I'm coming from but for the genuine comments. I do feel very alone at the moment and am scared to talk to my husband as I know he is going through turmoil himself and I don't want to burden him anymore than he already is; hence why I posted the initial and subsequent messages on here. It is very much appreciated.